those of you that had a problem with chasing external validation: how did you fix it?
i have a need to be accepted by everybody, and often that need clashes with my principles, like i'll seek validation from people that i fundamentally don't respect, like gossiping low-class women and liberal beta men. i also have trouble with frame. for example, if i'm dealing with a feminist clique at work, at first i'll understand that they're just shitty people, but after a while i'll start doubting myself, whether i'm in the wrong.
personally i have no other solution than just keep on keeping on: stay away from bad people, don't fold and try to become their bitch, even at the cost of them shitting all over me, and maybe overtime i'll build tolerance to their toxicity. i also noticed lifting weights doesn't help. i wish there was some mental button that turned me into a narcissist who doesn't give a fuck what these people say. keep in mind, most people i deal with are ok and go about their business, but the shitty people make sure that they're the loudest and most impacting.
Musicgoon78 3 16h ago
Bro, everyone has flaws and insecurities. People walk around pretending to have it all figured out. They don't.
Keep lifting weights. It's good for your physical and mental health. It's almost a requirement..
Being a narcissist is a fucking terrible idea. Narcissistic people are deeply insecure.
Accomplish shit, lift and learn to love yourself. There's no quick answer.
I suggest go out and have a day of brutal honesty with everyone. Some people will respect you for it, Others won't. Get used to the feeling of thinking for yourself.
qzone 12h ago
One of the foundational texts and long time staple of the sidebar of the TheRedPill and the MarriedRedPill is No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. I know this text was transformative for me. The text asks questions such as "If you didn't care what people thought of you, how would you live your life differently? If you weren't concerned with the approval of women, how would your relationships with the opposite sex change?" It is filled with pivotal mental models and exercises that help in becoming your own source of validation (which is ultimately what the red pill is about). I would start there. Ultimately, owning internal validation and having no need for external validation is one of the cornerstones of frame.
It's available for free on YouTube in audiobook format so you can listen to it at the gym or driving to a plate's house or whatever. Though it's not a long read. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PAKVaYHCaDQ&t=1127s
Then after you finish that, When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel Smith wouldn't be a bad idea.
I second what Musicgoon78 said about lifting weights and accomplishing shit. Once your physique is dialed in and you're more successful than most, it'll be easy to look at others and think "why the fuck would I care what they think or value their opinion? They're lazy and make bad decisions". This is the attitude I have with the people at my workplace. I would never in a million years trade places with them because their lives are miserable due to their own choices, and so taking their perspective into account would be a bad idea because I want my life to continue to become better than their lives, and not get worse like their lives. My bank account and miles of pipe laid with young pussy grows while their marital wounds and psychiatric medications increase.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 10h ago
OP @brownpride1488 (what an odd combination!), I second the book recommendations as strongly as I can.
As a companion to reading those books (and not a replacement for), check out Rian Stone's YouTube channel and his "sidebar series" playlist. He has videos providing analysis and additional info for just about every sidebar entry in both TRP and MRP subs, and the ones for the books are especially worth listening to (he just sits at his desk and talks to the camera, so if you want to listen while driving or working on shit, you won't miss anything).
@First-light and @Musicgoon78 both offer some good insight as well. Take what they say under consideration.
From your OP:
Actual narcissists are little bitches who care too much what others think, and expect them to buy into their narcissistic fantasy. Read up on "narcissistic injury" and "narcissistic rage". Do those things sound like they happen to people who don't give a fuck what others say?
First-light 2 11h ago
None of us ever fix wanting external validation. Humans are social animals and so what the group thinks is important. However, it is right to not over invest in it as external validation is a poor currency and people's opinions can turn valueless, just when you most want to rely on them.
Its just a case of keeping it in perspective. Acknowledging the need for external validation as existing can help with getting it balanced. Its OK, so long as you don't whore out to it. So one needs to ask "is this a rational amount to invest in what others think about me? Washing and keeping your hair tidy -low level investment that is worth it. Acting like a liberal so that liberals want to assimilate you into their rainbow coloured circle of paranoia, less worth it.
MrSupreme 4h ago
Well, once I started not giving a fuck I went deep into not giving a fuck, so it became a flaw. It has helped to understand WHEN and WHERE you need the validation.
Professionally (for many jobs), you will need some sort of validation, like your picture on "Employee of the month", a raise, a bonus, getting your superiors to applaud you and tell you how good you're doing. So in this case, "validation" is actually just regular positive feedback.
Where I work, teachers need to get a great feedback from the students and the supervisors in order to get a promotion. So you get your feedback, it serves as validation too, and you also get your promotion/bonus/whatever.
I think this is a healthy sort of validation, actually rewarding.
Socially, I think it is a different animal and it will depend a lot on your own mental state and progress. Some need it, some don't. I think I need it in some way too, everyone does. Your girl telling you how much she enjoys your dick or your friends wanting you to cook another meal for them because it was so good, there's many ways to get validation.
Needing a compliment on your looks/clothes everyday doesn't sound too healthy though.