I'm referring to neediness. I never once begged this girl to get back with me at least, but it's this survival mode kind of haze I've been in ever since we had issues and broke up. I keep digging and digging the hole deeper trying to salvage whatever might be left of the relationship with one more message, and then another, and then another, and I can see myself doing this cringey shit after the fact, but in the moment I'm awash with emotion/anxiety and whatever else. I am not in my normal state of mind. I am constantly inbetween trying to fix things, and then trying to do damage control because I regret trying to fix things. I look fucking crazy.

First step is to make yourself do the right thing and not do the wrong thing, regardless of instincts.

"I feel like a little bitch, but I'm going to behave like I'm not, so I won't message her".

Gradually through doing the right behaviours, you'll learn to have the right feelings.

Basically you don't give in to your inner little bitch, until you learn to properly run things in your life.

I had my shit absolutely handled, and then the second things started to take a turn, I gradually lost my frame and then before you know it, it's all gone because I couldn't simply let her go.

If you are behaving like this then you can't handle a LTR.

Thing about a long term relationship is that you are playing 100% in her court. She is more likely to decrease sexual interest. She is more likely to financially profit. She is more likely to be uncommunicative and say things like "you should know what's wrong". She can get laid in an instant, you can't. The whole deal is 100% biased against you and in her favour.

And at some level you know this, and you have committed to her, and it fucks with your head.

The solution is to ditch exclusivity. Just don't do it. If she demands it, then find another two girls who don't.

Please try to help me make sense of this. Is there something fundamentally wrong with me?

No, but your feelings are evolved for a villlage of 100 people. We are now in a village of 7 billion people, and this works against a lot of your feelings.

I don't want to have to spin plates just to have outcome indepence,

But if you are exclusive you will not feel like you have outcome independence because fundamentally in a relationship you do not have outcome independence. It matters. The costs of losing "this one" and finding another are high, so you emotionally commit, and she exploits that.

you should be able to access that frame regardless. Surely there is a way. Whatever it is, please help. I never ever want to behave like this again. I am disgusted by my behaviour and I'm sure it's the source of all my relationship failures. Maybe it's an unresolved fear of abandonment. Fuck knows.

The solution for most people is to couple up with someone who has even greater abandonment issues.

LTR is hard. You need to not care too much, and yet you have to make all the right moves like you do care.

They are fucked up.

How do you build the strength and composure to be able to just walk away, even when it's eating at you? How do you do what's right and masculine in these situations?

Run things right from the get go so that she knows that you can and will walk away if it sucks for you. Realise that one day you WILL walk. Don't view things as permanent. Don't accept less than awesome from her.

Everything else in my life is handled, but for some reason regardless of being with over a hundred women, I still have this little bitch in me that eventually rears its head. It doesn't matter how long it takes, eventually it always does and it's usually when things begin to go south. I want to kill that.

You can't kill it, you need to fix it, whatever it is.

Honestly my first answer has NOT changed based on the title

Boundaries) the second a woman starts destroying your peace enforce the boundaries you already should have had. Instead of letting bitches walk over you and eat at your headspace, leaving you weakened for the next girls

Self worth) what even is your mission? Do you have an ounce of journey or are you just coasting from one low value vagina to the next? Get a mission. You're all about acquiring women but too "picky" to just have some around for a quick release.

Your problems are entirely self inflicted. Your priorities and mental models are near complete ass and you are going to keep falling into the same problems on repeat if you don't fix it

You've had allegedly 100 women but what do you have to show for it? Get a mission and start respecting yourself. By being so "picky" you are also putting women on a pedestal

You don't need to spin plates to have abundance. Knowing you COULD have but don't NEED women is abundance mentality

Your thought process is just straight ass dude. You are doing this entirely to yourself

Based on title:

Boundaries and self worth. An added dose of bad experiences if you are a slow learner

Will read full post later

Brother, you're dealing with an illusion right now. You've got a story in your head that isn't real.

I get it. Some of the girls I've dumped or simply pushed away have made me think of my actions. Even if something isn't working out or you two aren't vibing doesn't mean that it feels good to let go of a relationship. It sucks bro!

Now let's get down to the truth: It didn't work out between you and this chick. You pushing for another chance really just digs the grave for this relationship deeper and deeper. Stop digging.

You've got to walk away despite the fact it's eating at you. You build the strength by doing the hard thing. Cut the cord.

Usually, lack of abundance is mixed with fear. Its that voice in your head denying that things aren't working. There's also undertones of how hard it is to move on and this overwhelming urge to place blame somewhere: "This is my fault".

You can't blame nature. It's simply a mismatch. Allot yourself some time to feel sad or whatever. Lean into those emotions. Then when that time has passed take action. Keep yourself busy with tasks like gym and work. In between these tasks, take time to talk to other women and enjoy your friends and family. This will help you feel connected and whole again. There's a shit ton of awesome women out there. They won't be the same as the girl you had, but still awesome and sexy in completely new and different ways.

Face the truth head on brother. The only way to get over this is to go through it. There's a bright light on the other side.

Lets start with the good news: you are becoming aware of your issue. You seem to see and know that you are doing something wrong.

That's great. It's a crucial first step.

It's necessary but not sufficient. You are going to have to pick yourself up and build yourself up. I used to be skeptical (I was wrong) about the standard advice of 'go to the gym' but now I see the value.

When you find yourself ruminating, immediately slap it down, and do somethign (anything) that is worthwhile. go for a run, spend 20 minutes doing your taxes, or go to the gym. Avoid anything that is 'worthless' (like youtube).

Treat intrustive thoughts with the disrespect that they deserve. Cut them off at the pass.

It's all brain training. treat your brain like a dog. Puppy dog shits the floor and is parking? slap it on the nose. It soon learns. Intrustive thought show up, gets shown the door. It works. Trust me on this.

Also - personal tip - try something new, something that you like. Like a bicycle. Or a new activity which includes the companhy of other men. Like a chess club, or a debate society or drama or whatever is your flavour. I bought a motorcycle when my marriage was imploding and I am so glad i did. After a few weeks, I realised that I had forgotten what it was like to do something that i liked, just for me.

ps. whenever I see your profile pic, it looks like you are wanking into a bathroom sink.

How do you build the strength and composure to be able to just walk away, even when it's eating at you? How do you do what's right and masculine in these situations?

For me, what made all the difference looking back was getting the first girl who treated me like a king. Not because I did shit for her, just because she found me that awesome, wanted to prove herself to me and be with me. When you know that's how they treat you when you're their #1, you're no longer interested in anything less.

Actually, you start being happy when they get flaky because you know the effort you were going to have to put into her wasn't worth it. All you can do is improve yourself as much as you can and meet as many women as possible. When it becomes obvious you're not #1 for any specific woman, which can be after 10 seconds or a month of dating, walk away with your head held high and the conviction that a girl will come along who does appreciate you.