I’ve known my girl for about a year now. First half was LDR, then she moved countries to be with me. Commitment is clear, we’ve gotten close, families involved, life is moving forward.
Here’s the issue: before we got serious, I made it clear that contact with exes is a hard no for me. She agreed. A few months in, I find out she still had a couple exes on her private account (she has a public one where they are still there) where she shared personal/intimate stuff. I called it out, she removed them, said it didn’t mean anything to her.
Later, I checked her phone and found there was some contact with exs, one example: she had messaged an ex an old picture of them saying it looked good. This happened early during our relationship. That guy is cut off now, but it still sits in my head.
The present is solid, she made the move, she shows commitment, she’s minimized contact. But the resentment lingers. I can’t decide if this is just me stuck in the past, or if it’s something I should act on.
Question: How do I handle this? Do I frame it as a values/boundary mismatch, or just accept it as part of her past and focus on the now?
Trying to answer my question: I think I should lay it down one more time, as if anything close to this happens again, it's done.
mattyanon Admin 1d ago
If it's a hard no for you, what are the consequences of her doing this?
Here's the problem.
You have said contact with ex's is a hard no. But she's done it and you said no. And she did it again and you said no. And here you are suggesting doing it a third time.
You are lying to yourself. This is not a hard no, this is a "soft no, please don't do it again, but it's ok if you do". That's the reality. I know it, she knows it.
MrSupreme 19h ago
This 100%. If you're gonna set boundaries and ask a girl to do things for you, then you also have to do your part and not shit on her efforts if she is truly trying her best. It is your time to value what she is giving you, because it is what you asked for, see?
Handle it like that, of course watch out for some signs of her going back to her exes to say some stupid shit like "oh we were great together" or whatever, but don't linger on that shit like it just happened, it has been a while, be in the moment.
SwarmShawarma 2d ago
So you made a boundary of zero but you slip in suggestion here that you are ok with this boundary being breached (and continusly so)
Are you really asking should you accept the lies or aboutresentment over her past, because her lies are not her past this exp was created with you.
You should line up other options and not to invest heavy in a future with current one. But not out of a revenge. Selfcare and selfpreservation.
taya2002 2d ago
So, from your perspective this is not worth a conversation? I do give her the benefit of the doubt, but I don't want to act on my emotions alone
SwarmShawarma 3h ago
I don't look at your problem emotionally. You are failing (failed) to train her (if it is at all possible).
This is not easy.
You can experiment to train her neverthe less, but the more you fumble the more effort you have to put in to move even to a starting point.
You can loose $1k in a sec but you need effort to get it back.
No-Stress-Cat 1d ago
This is tit-for-tat (woman) behavior. Other women aren't necessary for self-care and self-preservation. Dragging other women into this situation isn't going to make things better. What he needs is self-correction and to deal with this woman.
Lostandhound 21h ago
This relationship is likely over, he is preparing for a new woman while dealing and training on the other one.
Tit for that is a revenge. He needs a new woman or an option for a perspective, it's hard to get a perspective while one have only one pussy source.
No-Stress-Cat 2d ago
You set a boundary, she violated it. You let it slide once. She did it again, you let it slide again. She is not the problem here, you are. You are not holding her to your standards, then come crying here for advice.
You know what you need to do. You just don't want to have to make the decision because of the discomfort and inconvenience that will come about from it. She disrespected and cheated on you twice, and you haven't kicked her ass to the curb yet?
I'm sure you've heard the phrase: "This is going to hurt me, more than it hurts you." What that means is, we make the rules, and we stand by them. We don't like to punish, and we don't want to punish, but no matter how unpleasant it may be for us, it is for their own good. That is part of being a man.
SeasonedRP 2 1d ago
I wouldn't "lay it down one more time." That's a waste of time with women. I'd just be open to contact with other women and have those contacts, and treat this girl you're committed to like a plate. If a woman wants you, and wants your commitment, she'll never give you any reason to worry about other guys. That's she is in contact with exes tells me she isn't so sure about the commitment. When you with a woman who really wants you, you'll understand fully. If they are really, really into a guy, exes and other nonsense aren't an issue.
Lostandhound 8h ago
to be fair... it is true and it is like explaining how fast is the speed of light