Hi everyone,
I’d like some perspective on something that came up in early chats with someone I met on a dating app.
She’s 38, I’m divorced with kids (which I mentioned early as a possible deal breaker). She was open about some personal history too. After moving to another country when the Ukraine war started, she went psychotherapy and “starting a new life.” Through about a year she explored her sexuality, specifically BDSM, which she says she had been curious about since her youth.
According to her, she tried it, satisfied her curiosity, and now isn’t into it anymore. She described it as “living out something I was curious about” and says she’s moved on.
We’re still in the chatting stage and haven’t met yet.
My question is: Is this something that should be considered a red flag or a major reason for concern in terms of a future relationship? Or is it just part of someone’s past and not really relevant if she’s truly moved on?
Would appreciate your thoughts.
[deleted] 1h ago
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mattyanon Admin 2h ago
My suspicion is that she is not being 100% honest with you.
This looks like "I love being spanked and choked by Chad, but you only get reluctant starfish sex".
superhitops 2d ago
Should I questions. Answer it otherwise you will be labeled. That said...
Basically, this boils down to what you want.
A plate? The crazies give the best sex. The red flags for a plate are disease, assaulting you, fabricating stories, etc. Being atypical is not a red flag for a plate.
An LTR? Well, vetting for LTR is far more complex and a total different process. Could she be different from the sterotype? Yes. Will you invest the time to find? Up to you.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
@Gyver
You do need to try to answer your own question in your post for the AskTRP rules
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
This isn't a should i question
superhitops 2d ago
Correct. I read it as an implicit should I.
Because he is pondering if it is a red flag or not, probably still on the fence if he should proceed or not. I was extrapolating his question, indeed.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
He wants general information as opposed to an answer he already knows
Although i appreciate the vigilance it's just not inherently a should i
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
Every woman likes elements of bdsm dude
I find it to be more of a red flag if she deliberately sought it out as a culture, sex clubs, etc
I'm currently dating a woman who loved to be tied up in her personal life in kinky ways but she didn't go to clubs etc.
I find it to be normal and I frequently tie her up
Now if she was going to sex clubs.....
First-light 1 2d ago
"Explored her sexuality" = had a hoe phase. The fact she feels the need to declare it to some guy she is chatting to on the internet means it is very unlikely that "me and my boyfriend bought some handcuffs" Its more "I have to get this off my chest early in case it comes back to bite me"
We all have a past history once we get to a certain age but the admission of a hoe phase, particularly in a woman over 30 at the time, is a red flag if you want a relationship.
I am also always a bit suspicious of the crowd who fled their country and then never went back once there was an established front line. I expect there are exceptions but one tends to suspect that they are either cowards or they like freebies a bit too much. At the least the easy path appeals to them.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2d ago
It's never a phase. It's what she really is.
The question is, is she like that for you?
First-light 1 2d ago
The question is "Do you feel lucky...?"
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1d ago
*Clint Eastwood grimace*
well? do ya?! PUNK?!
Durek_The_Bald 2d ago
The cynical answer:
She's 38, and looking for love. And as an Eastern European woman, she's not oblivious to the game. So she knows she needs to sacrifice her alpha fux side for her beta bux side, as she no longer can have both in the same package.
Hence, she's "over her BDSM fase", because she knows she won't be into that with the guys she can get for what she wants (relationship at 38). Getting tied up, and having all her holes used like a whore, was fun with the guys she could get before (and still could get for something strictly casual). But it's kind of yucky with the safe option, the stable, dependable guy - the beta.
The red flag isn't so much that she "used to be" into that; Getting sexually dominated is the most common female fantasy out there. The red flag is that she's already warning you that she won't be into the fun stuff with you.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2d ago
1) her being into BDSM is not a red flag if you're into it and you two want to do it together. It's a red flag if you find such stuff disgusting. So what do you want?
2) as Durek said, the bad thing here is that she's already telling you that she won't do it with you. You want a woman's best. If she offered other men anything that she isn't offering you, then you aren't getting her best.
Relevant link: Saving The Best by Rollo Tomassi.
Have you read the sidebar? How long have you been unplugged? I ask this, because your post reeks of someone still operating under blue pilled conditioning.
No big deal if you're just fucking, but if she's trying to secure commitment (and reading between the lines, she is), you have to ask yourself why she wasn't able to secure commitment when she was still in her prime. Here's a hint: she spent her prime offering herself to guys who were out of her league for commitment but would still fuck her.
Don't let women string you along for free attention and validation. Always escalate until you either get sex or a hard rejection, at which point you forget her and move on.
Why is a relationship even on your mind?
From the sidebar (which I strongly suspect you haven't read):
HumanSockPuppet’s Guide to Managing Your Bitches, and from within that post:
In the almost 10 years since he wrote that, the experiences of the men at the Married Red Pill Subreddit have borne out the fact that getting sex is the man's job, and securing the relationship is the woman's concern.
So if you want to fuck this chick, have right at it. But guard your commitment carefully.
Also, have other prospects. Surely she's not your only prospect.
Gyver 2d ago
Thank you all for the perspectives. She didn’t say she wouldn’t try it with me. She just said, “feel free to ask any question.” It’s simply something I’ve never felt curious about. Buying handcuffs with a girlfriend and tying her up is totally fine, and I’ve done it in the past. But I don't see the thrill of punishing someone or getting my balls crushed.
I loved your answers and tend to agree: she is telling me who she really is. She is looking for the stable, dependable guy, the beta. Also the hint that she couldn’t secure commitment when she was still in her prime.
I hadn’t read the advice “A long-term relationship CANNOT be your end goal” before, but it makes a lot of sense and it’s a mistake I’ve made repeatedly in the past. I will follow it religiously.
Answering the question “Why is a relationship even on your mind?” I’m not entirely sure. I guess I feel the need to share my victories and good moments with someone other than my parents. When I’m in an amazing place watching the sunset above the clouds, I feel the urge to share it with someone. And also, to optimize my life, because sometimes when I arrive home after work, she might have cooked something or gone shopping. Life with two people can be easier.
Vermillion-Rx, sorry for not replying to my question earlier. My feeling was, "I guess I was okay with it and neutral about it. She is 38 years old, so everyone has a history. Fifty Shades popularized these things and was a bestseller." But the saying, "Never stick your dick in crazy," still keep echoing in my mind.
I will proceed with caution and meet her on the weekend.
First-light 1 2d ago
"You want a woman's best. If she offered other men anything that she isn't offering you, then you aren't getting her best."
I know what you are saying here but this is a little simplistic. There is what a woman will do for you and there is what a woman is actually in to. Ideally you want to both be into it or its a bit crap really doing stuff you are into and she is not or vice versa. Might be OK for an occasional treat on both sides but its no use wanting them all to be into anything you want. We all explore stuff. I have tried food out got into it and found actually its not for me. Also I have tried hobbies out and found the same. I am not necessarily failing to offer my best if I am not into stuff I tried out before. I might even try it again if someone really motivated me to and liked it themself.
Furthermore, what kind of fool offers their best to a random they are talking to on the internet? You only offer your best when you really want someone and you don't know that until you know it from experiencing them. Then you might suddenly put more on the table. We can't expect women to offer their best to a guy they have not even had a coffee with. In fact if they do they are only one thing -hoes.
I don't really respect women who hoe out to please a guy early in a relationship. Its always temporary. I want them to be themself and want to please me but not he out and do nasty things I won't respect them for and they don't like.
The real problem is "experimenting with my sexuality" or "having a hoe phase" in my 30's is as you suggest in response to my earlier comment far more likely to mean "I like getting lots of easy sexual attention form lots of men" (am a hoe) .Whether she is into kinks any more is not really a thing unless you only wanted a kinky plate, in which case -next. If you want anything more than a plate the kinks will have to align if you are to exploit them to benefit, so the particular kink and whether or not she is keen on doing it with you is not that relevant. Our likes can change with life and with who we are with. You can't base a relationship on a kink.
The question is "do you feel lucky staring down the barrel of a hoe's pussy". Is she in hoe mode or has she really shot all her slut shells and is now in commit mode? If so how long will that mode last? The odd hoe does reform just pre or post wall because she realises her options are burnt out, she is emotionally exhausted and she wants security. She is a fair dealer. She settles, is unsatisfied but accepts her lot (usually with plenty of regret and complaint and is never really satisfied with her man) but she actually stops hoeing. Do you feel lucky? However, if you want an easy temporary plate it might be your lucky day.
Musicgoon78 3 2d ago
Red flag? Absolutely not. I'll let you in on a secret bro...
100% of the women you are going to interact with have sexual fantasies. Some will be more twisted than others. But the vast majority of them will revolve around BDSM. This is why 50 shades of Grey sold so well.
A girl that talks openly about her sexuality is a green flag. She trusts you enough and finds you high value enough to feel that comfort with you.
Look, at the end of the day the decision is yours: you can waste all of your time looking for the non-existent perfect woman. Of course she might be incredibly bland, have a notch count of one and be completely sexually repressed and miserable. But if that's what you're looking for, a lame experience, knock yourself out.
All women are looking for a guy to take them on a journey and have them live out their fantasies. You can either be the guy to do that or you can be the guy that she leaves to do that with somebody else. Someone that has more comfort with sexuality.
I seriously don't understand what's up with you guys... You're already vetting for a LTR when you haven't even met. Do you buy a car before even driving it? If you can't decide for yourself to meet someone for coffee you're not ready or emotionally mature enough to date.
You'll probably need to stay in porn land jerking off until you decide to take the most minimal of risks without asking us.
AbusiveFather1 1d ago
what future fucking relationship?