We are both 25. Recently her dad helped me with buying a car as I don't know anything about them and he had his fair share of cars in life. I work 3 days from home and 2 days on site. She is working at the restaurant as waitress (she starts uni soon but only 2 times a month on the weekends). I work 7 30 to 15 30 and she is working 11 00 to 21 or 22, not every day because mixed schedule. We are currently arguing wheter i should always drive her from work to house (we live together) but I dont feel like its reasonable. I told her that she has a bus and it would be cheaper, she told me that she doesn't like taking buses when its dark because its sketchy at night. So I told her I can drive her from work but not everyday and she got angry saying its weird to her and all her friends from work have boyfriends that drive them, that her dad helped me buy a car and I should want my girlfriend to be safe. I feel it's either I drive her always or we cant come to compromise.
I honestly doesn't know if Im in the wrong here, her arguments seem kinda valid? But at the same time im not her chauffeur, she is a grown adult and can take the fucking bus, its not like im not exhausted after work.
My answer to this is I should stick to my boundary and not drive her and see what happens but this doesn't seem fair somehow, am I gaslighted here?
Edit: I feel like I should add that she cooks clean I buy grocieres, we try to split expenses but I still provide more. She has 6 min to bus station from work and then she has to wait 10 to 20 minutes for bus, after that she has 3 min from bus station to home. Driving her takes 30 to 40 min total.
mattyanon Admin 6d ago
You are making a mistake if you are arguing.
Simply say "no".
If you cannot say no, the power dynamics are wrong and you are appealing to fairness (which doesn't work) rather that knowing your value.
Oh, that old "all my friends do this".
She's lying. They don't. Get her to name all her friends and their boyfriend and their schedules
How much help did you get? Like $10 000 or more like advice and hand holding?
No. She is manipulating you with "you owe me" and "all my friends do this". She needs a car or to work out how to make a fair compromise.
You are gaslighted.
She has no right whatsoever to expect you to be her chauffeur..... and if you DO do it..... it's not like she'll be grateful every day. Within a week she'll take it for granted because you lose all power in that situation.
Dude.
She is sucking you into being a provider.
She is exploiting you.
First-light 1 1w ago
This is just another example of the double standards expected of men. Almost no man would ask a girl to do that if there was a plausible alternative like the bus. Do women often get raped and robbed on the bus at night in your area? If so, then drive her, if not, then don't let her fear rule you.
The problem is female expectation. You are a bad beta if you don't come up to expectation -based on what most women get for free. Women want a good beta but to be one is so draining. It makes you waste two people's time to do the same task as one needed to. You didn't want a daughter, you wanted a partner, a help mate not a person you have to help far more than she helps back.
If you say no be decisive and don't argue about it later or she will constantly chip away at you over it. She won't actually be that grateful if you do take her and she will remind you that you were selfish enough to argue about it anyway.
I have said no to a lot of things and I am now a bad beta. In my case it was going to church or driving her to and from friends in other towns. I gave up my membership of a rifle club so I could take her to church on Sunday but my disappointment and lack of constant willingness was evident. I take her to church sometimes now and she walks sometimes (about 30 mins). She usually also takes the bus to town once a week to pray and see friends. Its not even work but I still get this. Women have expectations of "care" like they were children.
How modern do you want to be? Start as you mean to go on and don't let her see if it makes you feel guilty or uneasy or she will chip at you constantly over it.
If she was your daughter, what would you do?
ExConvictNowMillionaire 1w ago
"If you say no be decisive and don't argue about it later or she will constantly chip away at you over it. She won't actually be that grateful if you do take her and she will remind you that you were selfish enough to argue about it anyway."
Bingo
vaker0 1w ago
If she was my daughter I would drive her, but she is supposed to be my partner. I kinda get her point, she cooks and cleans house constantly (even when it's clean, she still has to do something otherwise she cannot unwind), but I never told her she has to do these things, and now I feel like she does it to have an ammo in situations like these when she wants something from me. She told me she has to bend to my will always like that time that we argued over making the bed - which I told her is pointless to me as we don't spend time in the sleeping room, it takes too much time to do it her way and it takes too much time to undo it when we go to bed. That's just silly so I told her if she really wants to make the bed then she should do it herself.
ABC093 1w ago
Yeah she does stuff to herstandard. It is not your standard. She is free to do it but if she brings it up as a weapon u can crush it.
She is try to play you, make you guilty, typical.
Dont argue. Listen make decision, statement. Try to understand, clarify. Dont be afraid to do it. If she takes it as weakness, she is already bad prospect for any ltr.
You try to train her its fun. Nothing to loose, but you will learn to train awoman and keep frame better.
A woman can play a man like an instrument by being feminine. Dudes would have a hard time to say no to most stupid shit. BPD can be this level of feminine ( at the start), that's why dudes get so hooked up on BPD chicks. Normal girl only needs to be girly.
She is not molding you in a feminine way. Why? You were too soft, she is a bitch babe (or wants to be with little help of her friends ), anyway... you can believe that woman with an ultimate respect to her man doesn't bitch all the time. You likely don't have it.
Series of gaslighting and shit tests.
You ⸮ have led her to this point so you will put the foot down. Not rapidly otherwise airbag will deploy. You need to figure it out how to do it based on your circumstances. Expect a lot of shit tests and gaslighting like that now.
Yoke best bet is to say 'I will think about it and leave it'. She will surely push. To wqhich you can reply; if I am going to answer now (it will be bad deal for you), or you can skip it and go straight to ignoring ANY attempt to force ANY reaction out of you.
Men holds a frame by being stoic, woman by being emotional.
So I also read that it is a fagotty not to give her a transport and you are in tied transaction with her father.
Noppe most likEly its not faggoty to say no to DEMANDS. there is no place for bitchiness and giving any way for it.
You father helped you and he counts on that you will make a right decision. It would be nice to give her rides if she behave herself. If you let it slide, just cut off your dick already.
Most importantly are you spending credit money on holidays with ungrateful bitch? WTF. Dont go on hols pay of her father amd get him a good wine etc.
First-light 1 1w ago
This sounds fairly typical stuff, sadly. All the house work she does, she would do anyway if you died tomorrow. She is not doing it for you, she is doing it because she likes it that way. She would still cook her dinner, just make one portion less. Its no sacrifice for you. She is having her life and wanting you to boost it at your expense. For a modern woman having a man is a win win. You have all your cake and eat some of his too. This is typical of today's female whose actual value to you beyond a bedfellow is as a negative asset.
If she was my daughter and the night bus was safe -safe for sensible girls not crack whores with complicated lives- I would tell her to take the bus. I don't want to raise weak women. Liberals are always talking about strong independent women but they really mean aggressive and entitled women who are actually desperately fragile and anxious if men are not doing the leg work to make them appear strong and independent. I have tried to actually raise strong women. My daughters (two of whom score at least 9/10 for attractiveness) walk 2 miles to town unless they have a sports match (when I hope they will have left it all on the pitch, so I collect them). Its a gift to your daughter to raise her strong and unafraid of the world and a gift to her future husband too. He will not have expectations of service and any service he does will give her joy.
If some money has been lent, you owe something for the car but I would say not a few years of taxi rides.
Personally, I would advise generously trying to lead her to a more responsible position. If she was your daughter, you would want her to get her own car and be independent. Don't on holiday -its a luxury your household can't yet afford. So don't set her a bad example of a man who lives childlike beyond his means through another's charity. Pay that debt off and start her saving for her own car (if she can pay for the insurance and running of it of course -the bus may start to look better value to her when you do the sums). Meantime, she can take the car on all the days you are not out on site (because she is an equal member of your household and she needs it for work which trumps leisure). That only leaves 2 days a week. Drive her then provided she has put away money for a car that week. That way you are still doing her a big favour but you are teaching her to be independent and contribute. Needless to say, you need to reach an agreement with her for this, not lay down the law. She may refuse to agree anything because she stills wants to have her cake and eat it. Then you can make a fair and generous unilateral decision -repay her dad ASAP, drive her for a couple of months beyond the last repayment and then your conscience is clear to stop totally.
If she can't drive, then she needs to save for lessons.
You may have to choose between "Happy wife happy life" and having a life of your own. Its not an easy one. Women are wired to want service and protection from men but they have to give something back beyond sex when they fancy some pleasure. Today when they work, they are acting like second rate men but they don't want to contribute like men or be responsible for themselves. The battle to make modern women accountable and contributing is one that is won in the family, household by household.
JPCantell 1w ago
Her dad helped you pay for a car.
Giving her rides is the least you can do. Man up.
First-light 1 1w ago
I read it that her dad gave him advice on buying a car. If he paid for it there is some moral obligation there -perhaps up to the labour value of the money paid- but if it was only advice, the help was probably limited to a couple of hours going to look at cars and the obligation is not enough to merit countless free taxi rides.
JPCantell 1w ago
They’re rides to and from her job. It’s not like he’s taking her to fucking girls nights out at the club.
vaker0 1w ago
He was seeing car listings and making calls, we only went to one seller as it turned out it was his friend that gave us little discount. I borrowed 10% needed as we wanted to go to vacation and I will pay back what he lend me on the weekend (I bought the car 2 weeks ago). The amount of money wasn't that much either as the car was cheap. Today we had another argument over it and she said that if she knew I wouldn't want to drive her from work she wouldn't ask her father to help me and I would have to find a car myself.
iamnotneptuno 1w ago
Sure you might owe a favor to her father, but she’s just using that fact to manipulate you.
If you bought a car all on your own, she’d still demand the same under some other pretense.
JPCantell 1w ago
Yeah, she’s right.
I read your entire post. You’re tired from working a hybrid job and don’t want to get off your ass and do a bit of driving. You’d rather let your girl take public transport, which yes, is dangerous for a woman to do by herself especially at night, instead of giving her rides in a vehicle her father helped you acquire. How do you not see how faggoty this is.
This isn’t how a man acts. There’s an unspoken expectation and that’s why her father did you a favor. This is just shit you DO as a man. ‘Tired’ shouldn’t be in your vocabulary.
Sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders, you’ll regret fucking up a good relationship over bullshit like this.
First-light 1 1w ago
Flip it round the other way and he is using her as a taxi because his mum paid in a bit to her car. What's the answer then? I would say "Man up! get your own car boy, stop relying on women to pay for your rides!" I agree, I bet her dad helped with the car so she can pass from having a life curated by him to a life curated by the boyfriend. But why should she have a life curated by men? Because vagina? We have to move past that or we are just trad cucks that lose every which way as women earn and play and we curate their lives..
The answer can't be man up both ways. That's trad cuck thinking. The answer to every domestic clash is not always man up and do the hard yards because you have a dick.
He has coasted along, taken money from another man, blown it on a holiday and he is not being too helpful to her even if she is not really owed help so much as her dad is owed help. He probably does need to see that he could have been more self sufficient before asking her to be. But I think he is also at a risk of being turned into another trad cuck life curator who has no actual rights but a ton of obligations if he is not careful and I think its not fair he is a taxi forever.
JPCantell 6d ago
Why be in a relationship if you’re not going to take on duties.
Being in a relationship is a trad move itself. The end goal is to have kids.
Are you not gonna be a father to those kids? Cuz that’s a whole lot more duty than giving some rides.
First-light 1 6d ago
If you have kids you are ging to give them a whole lot of rides until they can take the bus themselves (trust me I know this first hand) but this is a little different. This is his adult "spouse" his helpmate.
When you talk of duties, these should fall in the end in a more or less equal overall burden. They should not fall equally -because men and women are not identical and they have different strengths but the overall burden should be more or less equal (can't ever get it bang on because life is constantly changing but you try to work towards fairness).
Trad con places all the duties on the man except the traditionally female ones. They have been made so easy by small family sizes, domestic appliances like vacuum cleaners and washing machines, cheap mass produced clothes, semi processed ingredients and so on that a man can perform them himself while working a full time job (I was myself for a short time a single father and I was amazed how easy it was. All that talk of sacrifice was actually talk of privilege) The "wife" is not actually needed, she is an expense not an asset. A woman in a modern trad con setting is basically a pet unless she actually has children under 5 on her hip (and then she has a soft ride these days).
Relationships go beyond trad and red pill (trad con is only about 100 years old and red pill is newer), they are fundamental to the human race. How we define the roles is what is under debate here. If the bus is safe, the fact that she is afraid is not really important. He is keeping a pet if he is her taxi. I have not googled it but I have a hunch more men will be attacked waiting for buses than women. A male is much more likely to be attacked by a stranger than a woman and much more likely to be killed by one. Life is more dangerous for men but women want guarding. Its only natural but a man has to decide if he is a pet keeper or wants a helpmate.
If girls are getting robbed and raped waiting for the bus in this town, then yeah, drive her but in the end it can't be her right to be driven only a privilege.
JPCantell 6d ago
Alright so if it’s a team in terms of taking on duties. How does him giving his girl rides to her job not classify as him fulfilling his role in the team, until they get another car?
It’s a bit dramatic to say him giving his girl rides to her job is taking on all the duties like a cuck. It’s a team effort with financial purposes behind it.
In a way, it’s anti trad considering a trad wife would be a housewife.
And yeah, typically public transport isn’t safe at night as public transport usually corresponds to urban areas, doesn’t matter if you’re a woman or a man. Actually it does cuz you’re more capable of self defense as a man.
Just cuz this may align to feminist thinking in this individual case doesn’t make it false. Women will typically use feminist arguments to manipulate men into behind their duty-boys but this scenario actually necessitates a team effort, and it’s a far cry from blindly taking on all the duties.
No-Stress-Cat 1w ago
I would say buy her her own car. If that's not possible, she could at least contribute to the extra amount of gas you're burning. Pick your battles wisely. This one isn't a hill worth dying on.