I'm 28 years old. for the last 4 years ive been focusing on self improvement. From ages 18-23 I was a drug addict and I only fucked 3 girls and had a 5 year dry spell because i was more interested in chasing drugs than learning how to make girls chase me. At 24 I got sober and the last 4 years I have become an unrecognizable person. I broke my dry spell a few months after i quit doing drugs and the last 2 years I have gone to the gym obsessively and developed a physique I am very proud. I definitely missed out on alot of girls and learning game during those years , and its 100% self inflicted.

I've always been somewhat naturally alpha... dominant, aloof, cocky-funny. However the way I was raised in my family I wasnt raised to be outwardly confident and hold frame, so shedding that brainwashing has been an ongoing challenge. The inner me is strong and self assured and I sometimes dissociate into this fake weak person that I've been taught to be. Its weird, I am like the ultimate walking contradiction, the girls who really know the real me say im the one of the most dominant, cocky assholes theyve ever met, but I have been trained to not show that side of myself and I am trying to undo that. It's like i forget the rules of engagement and forget that I am allowed to show my masculinity. It's like my inner frame is incongruent with my outer frame.

And I would say that throughout my life ive developed an ego problem. From having zero self esteem and being tested by the more masculine, more mature kids in school ,, where i had no idea how to respond , so i just broke ,because i wasnt taught how to respond and be confident, to now where I am internally confident but externally incongruent and sometimes overly eager to please in general in social situations, not grounded in my true self. ( if that makes sense)

I am not trying to brag here, because the juxtaposition honestly is agonizing and drives me insane. Just being honest to try to paint a clear picture. I am tall, handsome, and talented, I play guitar in a band, I ride motocross, and I have a great body. I am good in bed, I'm very giving, love eating pussy and ass and making girls cum and I fuck like an animal, I'm extremely dominant and sexually intelligent. Girls seem to always love my dick and how I use it.

Yet my body count is only 12. and probably only 3 of those girls were girls i was REALLY attracted to, the others were just basically girls i settled to hook up with because i was horny or they sucked dick good or something.

The absolute most important and biggest thing getting in my way is this: When i get in my head around a girl im trying to talk to in public, or like when i start to get oneitis, I start to be performative instead of genuine. My real genuine personality is magnetic, but my performative fake personality that i seem to involuntarily shift into is repulsive to women, as it should be. Its more of a matter of how do I stay grounded and confident in my real self and not try to be something fake and "act out" game in an autistic way. Even my dad was telling me how the thing that makes girls want to fuck is NOT playing their game, just being yourself, which I understand the sentiment of

I have a couple problems, the main one being that I am constantly in my head and overthinking everything to absolute death. this fucks with my laid back confidence and approachability, especially with new girls, and my frame. I have created this vicious circle or self fulfilling prophecy of knowing that I am attractive and have a good personality when i can open up the real me, but yet a history of fumbling and what I feel like is failure with a low body count.

also I overthink game to death. It seems like it should come naturally or at least be something i can have fun with and not take it so heavy and stressfully. I constantly misread signals and fumble due to second guessing myself or not understanding basically how to maintain the girl chasing me without being either too eager or too much of a dick and too confrontational. I have a really hard time finding that middle ground, its like i always say some dumb shit. Yet alot of times I will also naturally say the smoothest, most confident shit that makes girls chase me hard. and then ill overthink and think about how much id like to fuck this girl and then ruin it.

When im with a girl im not attracted to my inner alpha comes out so hard, i wish i could just be like that all the time. I get that i need to not pedestalize girls, frame myself as the prize and challenge them and push back to not give them what they want in order to make them chase me. I want sex so bad, my sex drive is so high with being healthy and optimizing my hormones and going to the gym that it makes being not desperate alot harder. I am absolutely consumed by sex and lust.

The thing that really gets in the way at this point is I just feel extremely deprived sexually, physically. Besides my fumbling, there is literally zero reason why I shouldnt have better plates or a regular girlfriend that is moderately attractive. This has honestly consumed me, and it projects neediness or desperation.

Here is an example, a couple months ago i matched with a girl on tinder, got her snap, and we went back and forth and i was getting frustrated so i pulled back and deleted her. then i got bored a few months later, added her back, she hit me up and asked me for a picture, and then she wanted me after she saw me. I went and saw her, fucked the shit out of her, and made an impact. the next time we had the most depraved nasty sex ive ever had and she said it was one of the most insane nights of her life. she read my mind and did the kinkiest nastiest shit that she knew i would be obsessed with. we did this a couple more times, and then I started to get oneitis hard and i think she picked up on it due to my vibe. i cracked and made a fatal error of telling her my feelings (and i knew full well this was the very last thing i should ever do ) but i fucking listened to my idiot friends bad advice. then she thought i was lying so i told her my real feelings and then she did not go for it (obviously) and i tried to spin it back into lets just be casual, we dont need to have any committment, lets just enjoy summer. and she said okay cool but i have a feeling i blew it up even though I'm pretty sure she was really really into me before i started to break frame.

Its a lesson on what not to do, stay detached and always in control and in the position of power. but the reason why I fucked up was because the sex was so nasty and amazing, I lost control of my emotions.

I honestly find it extremely hard to believe that all the guys i see walking around with girls i would kill to be with, are that much better at game and have better personalities than me. I am a cocky, confident motherfucker when i can bring it out and not get all twisted up in my head, and I am better looking by so many of these dudes I see. I did realize one thing that I was doing was not having the humility to play the game and thinking i can just do whatever i want. I do have to have the humility to realize I dont deserve anything without being the guy that i need to be. Meaning i cant just come on too strong and too eager and expect girls to still respond positively because of how I look.

Please be brutally honest with me. Tell me what I need to hear and what I need to do because I cannot live this way deprived of what I need at this point. It has become the only thing I care about because I am deprived of it. and I know thats the catch-22.

Thank you for your help