I'll try to keep this brief, and if I'm breaking any posting rules then please let me know.
Putting game aside for one second - this is purely based on looks alone, or presence perhaps.
I am a good looking guy. I always have been. Had zero game during my late teens up to 21, and that's mostly due to isolating myself, but I've never not had female attention, even as a kid. As I am currently, not much has changed physically, I'm merely a little older at 36, but as men, thankfully we age like wine.
This not a day to day issue for me or something I even really think about often, but it's something I have been noticing lately and it's this: Whenever I'm out in public doing my thing, I've noticed that women basically do not look at me anymore. It is like I am invisible.
Contrast that with a couple of years back, or practically my whole life prior, it's like night and day. I don't really know why that is. I might rarely get a girl check me out, but it's very very rare lately.
I'm a guy who likes to look for signs of interest, and in fact I can't switch that off. I used to be very good at it, but if no one is sending me signals then what's the point lol. My only guesses as to why this is happening is either I look like shit and I'm indenial/blind to it, or I'm not projecting confidence. If it's neither of those things, then I am lost. Can anyone provide any insight?
Lone_Ranger 3 1w ago
can i ask, how old are you?
It could be that you are simply aging out of a certain cohort. Nothing to worry about, but the game changes as you age.
Have you kept up? do you know what needs to be done?
The women that you are persuing now are likely a bit older. They still want the same things (being ran through by chad) but they require a bit more 'plausible deniability'.
You'll see eveidence of women hitting mid 20s and saying that they are over their 'hoe phase' (plot twist - they are not). They just need different things. They say things like 'I am now dating with a purpose'. 'Looking for something serious' 'looking for a relationship'
Plot twist - they are not.
A true shagger knows the game. These chicks require something else. What they basically are saying is that they can't look at themselves in the mirror any more, if they continue to just put out to randoms.
SO ...what does this mean for you? It means that you are going to have to pose as a guy that wants something serious. you'll have to give off the idea that you are guy that used to fuck around but now...you are looking for something serious.
Its like the magic button. Panties drop - you fuck, then you leave.
Honestly, the amount of guys I hear on this platform saying that they have told some chick that they are only looking for something casual, and then get surprised that they get declined is amazing to me. They are simply not offering what the woman wants....which is plausibel deniabliity.
MidgetSpinner 6d ago
I'm 36. It's actually the opposite. I'm still gaming girls in their 20s. That's just what I prefer. Oddly enough, when I was early 20s, I slept with a lot of older women.
BTW, turns out the girl this post was based around was a lesbian. I just didn't find out she was until after I posted this haha. That might have been why she was analysing what I was saying so objectively. I honestly had no clue. Just some random Instagram girl in my area.
I don't ever approach or open women with the subject of "what I am looking for". I leave that down to them and I get straight to establishing push and pull, teasing, making it a fun interaction, and then escalate and basically seal the deal. That's always my goal anyway. Whether it works or not, is a different story lol. But in the past I was very successful with this regardless of their age.
redhawkes 2 2w ago
100% looks related. Receding hairline, getting fat, gray hair etc..
You already know the 80/20 percent principle. When you're in the top percentile, women eye fuck you, all ages, everywhere and that's a fact. Ask anyone who's pushed thru that barrier and it's like a day and night difference.
That being said, don't look for IOIs, it's helpful calibration tool, but nothing more. You're probably still suffering from external validation. Women do that, and tie the attention they get to their value.
CH said the best, reality makes lunatics of us all, but only those with the eyes to see and the ego to spare ever embrace it unconditionally.
MidgetSpinner 2w ago
I'm not receding, fat or have grey hair though haha. I know those are only a couple of examples, but still. Maybe women are looking and I'm not noticing it, or I've just lost the ability to recognise when they are checking me out. These are also possibilities, but you could be right and there's something about me physically that I'm either lacking or refusing to see.
You are absolutely right about the external validation. I do things to validate myself, and I am quite comfortable and confident in myself in a lot of areas but my self esteem did take a hit after my last relationship so I think I'm not carrying myself with the same stride I used to and I'm looking to be validated in place of that, which I know is not good for me.
redhawkes 2 2w ago
Perfect time to revisit the fucking sidebar tho. The old if you don't use it you lose is spot on.
Only use external validation as a feedback, not fuel.
mattyanon Admin 2w ago
The world has changed.
Women go on Tinder to get fucked, so they have easy access to top 1% men.
You might have gotten a bit softer, don't know. Standards are super high these days, it's nuts.
Musicgoon78 2 2w ago
You're thinking like a schoolgirl. Man the fuck up. It's not your job to be pursued. Your value comes from accomplishments, charisma and dominance. Pussy doesn't just come to guys on a platter.
It's your job to go after what you want. IOI's are for phaggots. Waiting for an IOI just means you're being a pussy and not approaching.
You have what we call confirmation bias. You got an idea in your head and now you're looking for women to validate that theory. This means that from now on, the only thing you're going to notice is that you're invisible. Even if other contrary evidence is present.
Dress up nicer and approach women you like. If your results are really bad, then we can help you revisit this.
I'm successful with women. Almost all of the women I've been with, I've approached. It's not worth even thinking about negative shit.
MidgetSpinner 2w ago
I spent my whole life pursuing women, been rejected thousands of times, and I don't regret any of it, but these days I admit I'm not trying like I used to. I understand the dynamic is that we as men are the ones who hunt, I'm just jaded from it all after surpassing the triple digit mark, and multiple failed relationships. It's not impossible to have women pursue you though, I know that from experience too.
I get your point though. I shouldn't be waiting for IOIs - if I like a girl, go for it. I just don't want to waste my time on a numbers game these days when I've done all of that to death.
Musicgoon78 2 2w ago
It sounds to me lol me you haven't exactly sorted out what you want past the ego boost.
What is it you're looking for. If it's for women to act like men, forget about it.
My question is are you romanticizing the idea of being a victim? I say this because it sounds like that becoming your new covert goal.
MidgetSpinner 2w ago
I'm not lookin for women to pursue me, although I'm not against it. I literally just wondered why women don't notice me anymore. I don't think of myself as a victim either, I never would because I've hit the bottom many times, and always bounced back. I know that sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself achieves nothing. So, definitely not romanticising being a victim, that said, I am burnt out on relationships at the moment and haven't dated in a while because of this, but yeah, I would still like to be noticed when I'm outside. Definitely still have some ego.
I'm not incapable of approaching either. I do it when I feel like it, but that's not the point of this post.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3w ago
Dude you cannot solely look for indicators of interest. Yes, seeing them makes it a warm or hot approach even but how many women simply just might be too nervous to show any or have some kind of proper girl decorum to do it in public that you're just missing out on?
I approach women I haven't even looked at yet just 5 seconds prior to seeing them there. Like hell, maybe they were eye raping me the whole time for all I know and i just didn't see it. You can't live your life solely looking for IOIs that you honestly might have missed in the first place when you weren't looking
Plus maybe they didn't see you yet? How are you going to get IOIs from a woman who might have not noticed you but you noticed her?
Secondly, if you think you look like shit fix it
Why else would you be typing that as a possibility if there wasn't some truth to it?
Third, do you have any friends? It is so easy to meet women when you have friends, not only can friends scout for you but a lot of the time I a confident extrovert friend will just naturally open groups and move on if the group isn't interested and rinse and repeat
It's very fast to just let your extrovert friend open groups and then suddenly some chick in that group immediately likes you, especially if your vibe has been good or she's noticed you prior or you've had good energy in the room with your buddies (bonus if you've been social too)
Extroverted male friends are social proof no one talks about
4th are you even fun any more at this point?
I've seen the same iteration of post from you for almost two years after previously seeing how well you were doing
I'm out of guesses for what happened to you but you don't seem fun at all
I would say having fun energy is even more foundational than social skills. You can have great social skills but if you're not even fun to be around you're fucked
GetMoreBooks 2w ago
For the extroverted friends part, how do meet people who expand social groups? I have a few friends but all the social groups are very static, no new people or groups.
MidgetSpinner 3w ago
What I post here is not a full indication of how I am outside of this. This place is basically like a little men's retreat for me to post my worries and concerns, this is not stuff I talk about in real life. I'm in a band, I perform live often and I'm very good at what I do. I'm always joking and playing around. Some things will never change. I've always been that guy except when I've had periods where I'm depressed, but they're always circumstantial. How I am here is not representative at all. No one on here seems that fun IMO, lol. But we're only seeing a tiny fraction from the people posting here. The fact of the matter is that most of us are here to brush up on things or seek help for something, and none of us are fun 24/7.
I understand you're trying to help, and yes I've posted things of a similar vein, but my posting here is quite rare and those posts were over the course of 4 years. It's not like I'm in here every other day making posts, and also yes, my posts are depressing and I know I come off as a dud, I understand how it looks.
To your last point though, I 100% agree that being fun and having higher energy is super attractive. And now that I've just typed that out, I realise maybe I'm not as fun as I once was lol. That person is still in there though, I know that. Appreciate it man.
AbusiveFather1 3w ago
it's because mens' looks also fade, and you're out of your prime. if the reason why you got female attention was (only/mostly) your looks, then no wonder you're not getting any more since your looks are fading with age. also, if I remember correctly you said that you gained some weight, and that you used to be very fit. are you back in your top shape? if not, then there you go.
i'm noticing the same trend in my own life. i'm in a better shape than my younger self, but the lines on the face and the grey hairs don't go unnoticed, and my game has always been looks based - I don't have money or status. at 30+ if you don't have money or status then looks can't really take you far anymore, especially if you're looking for attention from young, attractive women. for example, who do you think such a woman would choose, an 18-year old good-looking guy that has no money, but arguably has potential or more time to realize himself, or a 36-year old good-looking guy that also has no money, but his looks are beginning to fade and he has much less time than the younger guy.
MidgetSpinner 3w ago
No, I haven't gained any weight lol. My metabolism is still fast even at this age. Very slim, athletic guy. I just lost a little muscle over the course of a year, which I have pretty much gained back now thanks to muscle memory and some effort.
And yeah, of course they're going to sleep with the younger dude with potential. I'm very aware of that fact unfortunately lol, but I don't look 36 so that's good I guess, but I don't look 20 anymore either. Point taken anyway.
Bozza 2 3w ago
I've gotta agree with @Vermillion-Rx. I've only seen the recent tinder post, but OP it does seem like currently you're coming from a glass half empty mindset - and that will translate into everything you do.
Go back to basics. Get out and about. Have fun. Enjoy life. It's a lot easier to have abundance mentality when your life is fucking awesome.
I can empathise. I've recently had a similar thing. I was fucking slaying last time I was single and this time it's been an uphill struggle, with no discernible reason. But I'm not dwelling on that shit. I'm getting out, meeting people, going to gigs, having fun.
And you know what? Now I'm starting to get the IoIs, positive approach responses etc. Because I simply don't care. I'm having fun regardless of the outcome.
MidgetSpinner 3w ago
Yeah, the last 2-3 years of my life were depressing admittedly. I have already begun the process of becoming fun again though. I started months ago. I'm not diving in with my whole body just yet but I am going out more frequently, I have a long string of musical gig dates coming up so that will force me into social situations that I might typically avoid too. I think my problem over the last few years is that I was dealing with OCD and a shit break up, and I opted to isolate myself and things started to atrophy of course. That's really all it is, so I think it's just a case of getting back out there more, and consistently.
Appreciate the message dude. See, this is why I post here because the culmination of all your responses pushes me towards self awareness, and then I can realign shit. So as much as I'm sure you're all tired of my depressing ass posts, it is very much appreciated each time one of you comments.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3w ago
Yup this ^
After i got out of mine 3 months ago I'm getting the IOIs but still off.
I've moved on from what happened but sometimes bad relationship outcomes can change enough of your inner game and risk management (not pulling fast enough, missing pulls entirely, trying to pull too quick) because your calibration is thrown off trying to achieve outcomes or you just still have some inner damage tripping you up or both
Unfortunately as a guy you have to readjust after becoming single, unlike women who can show up to the bar crying and drunk and get a hookup that night
Usually these readjustments end up making you even better at game than you were before but I think I'm the case men you actually have to remember who you once were once you've sacrificed enough of it
And having fun dgaf is the best way to do it because it just clicks and that's usually enough to get laid anyway
@MidgetSpinner
MidgetSpinner 3w ago
To be fair, I don't really give a fuck about much other than myself. But you're right man, I am not calibrated like I once was which is why I'm here. Looking for advice on certain things so I can gradually realign my shit, while also taking steps in real life. I've just been super slow about it.
I actually think the simplest advice in here is often the best, and what I need to hear as I do tend over think shit if I'm not careful. Basically, what you and others said about getting out there and having fun again is all that really needs to happen. I need to get over myself.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3w ago
Women are simple
They want to have subtle, unjudged fun
medstudentgerman2002 3w ago
I‘m in a kind of similar position atm, but not as bad. Though I’ve had long periods (months) where it was as bad as you describe for no real discernible reason.
My theory is that as a guy there’s a fine line between being that extremely goodlooking guy everyone looks at vs just being another goodlooking guy. ie a 9/10 will occasionally have girls checking him out but 90% will ignore him. Whereas a 9.5/10 will be stared at by women constantly and will always get at least a glimpse from 95% of women. So if you’re a 9.5 normally but then your skin health gets worse or your hair isn’t as nice, your looks might only drop 5% but the amount of attention you get drops by 90%. Doesn’t mean you’re unattractive, you just have too high expectations from women. Just because they don’t immediately show you interest all the time doesn’t mean they wouldn’t give you a chance.
MidgetSpinner 3w ago
As a narcissistic asshole, I do dearly miss the constant side eyes.
I think your point is right, but the sheer lack of looks I get lately has raised this alarm bell. Even when women do look at me, they look away just as fast. A little depressing but if it's gonna continue on like this, I'll get over it.