Need some advice here. I said something rude to my LTR of 5 years about 4 weeks ago. I didn’t realize it hurt her and she brought it up a few days later. I see now this was probably a shit test and I took it way too seriously, you live and learn. I called her, listened, apologized and have been trying to move on since then. Looking back I DEER’d a bit too much during the convo but overall I thought it went fine for the most part. I didn’t lose frame too much, I tried to keep it brief, own it sincerely, and then moved on.
Anyways she’s all pissed about it still, feels like my apology wasn’t real, and we haven’t been talking in 3+ weeks now. So far I’ve been just going about doing my own thing, STFU and working towards my goals - lifting, work, hobbies, etc. Every 4-5 days I’ve been inviting her to go do something to try and get things going again. Simple invites like “I’m thinking of hiking here at x time, you wanna come?” I’ve been keeping the convos light and brief. Everything’s been getting shut down and no effort from her to fix, talk, or meet up about anything. Kind of at a loss to what I should do now, I mean 5 years is a long time to be together so I don’t want to really call it quits. But if it comes to that, it is what it is and I’m prepared mentally it could break.
My plan right now is to go total no contact until she reaches out to make something happen. This might break things completely but I don’t see another option that doesn’t come across as needy.
Any other suggestions here? I see my only options as: total no contact until she reaches out to make something happen. Literally go show up at her door and get this shit over with (beta but at least it gets sorted out). Or somewhere in the middle, like texting her something like, “when you’re ready to talk or see each other let me know”.
superhitops 2d ago
Seems your turn is gone. Well, there are guys getting that after 25 years of marriage.
This strategy is bogus and very oneities. It will grow into despair if you wait her to come back. It may never happen. And if it does... Maybe you were the fall back plan. She tried something out there, could not find, went back to planB.
Your behavior may or may not have something to do with it. Maybe it is the exit window she was hoping. Whatever.
FiendingForRanch 1d ago
Appreciate it. Kind of thinking it may be the exit window she’s been looking for. Agree with the oneitis thing. That’s why I’m trying to figure it out so I can just move on. Moving on mentally anyways at this point.
MrSupreme 2d ago
You gotta give some more details about what you actually said,it is too vague because it could be her shit testing you or it could be that you fucked up bad, in both cases she will seem hurt.
I think she will be annoyed as long as you act like nothing happened. Assuming you fucked up, own it, I think one apology per year should be fine, so apologize and tell her you wanna make things right, use rapport and also mention how in 5 years you have grown next to her and she means a lot to you and all that corny stuff which may not be a lie at all, just corny. If you care about this, it is the time to put some effort and emotion on it, and if it doesn't work, then you tried your best and she's done with you.
Try the soft stuff if you care, there is a time for it and this sounds like it. Also remember, nothing worse than being with someone that doesn't want to be with you.
FiendingForRanch 1d ago
I avoided the details cause it wasn’t anything crazy but here it is. We had a full busy day doing back to back to back things. Breakfast, shopping, lunch, long hike, shower, then dinner. After the shower she started making dinner straight away and expected me to get going helping her. I was tired and started bitching about it (bitch material I know) but I pretty much said “why are you being so go go go right now? We’ve been running at 100% at all day why can’t you just slow down and chill for a bit?” She thought I said “Why are you ALWAYS being so go go go…” Up for debate whether I did or not. Either way she told me it bothered her the next day and felt like I was putting her down. She has a high energy get shit done personality so she took it like I was mad about who she is. I apologized, comforted her and told her I was just tired from the hike and that she knows I love that part of who she is. I did a lot of things wrong in the whole interaction but that’s been pretty much it.
We’ve had a history of random fights like this over something I said. She’s pretty sensitive to words and doesn’t shrug things off easily. I’ve worked on confronting things when I can and owning them. She thinks it’s a pattern pretty much. Honestly, it is a pattern. You guys correct me if I’m wrong here but saying something semi-rude once every 4-6 months is just normal human behavior. I treat her super well 99% of the time. Most couples seem to just shake it off and move on with life.
All in all I think these are just issues with my frame. Not high value enough to push through the comfort and shit tests. Not genuine enough or strong enough frame for her to trust that I’m not a just a complete asshole. I’ve also fallen far by DEERing too often when these things have happened in the past. I’m talking about small things that could’ve stayed small if I just handled my responses appropriately. This recent situation felt like a good example of that.
Ronaldraygun77 8h ago
Lol by the way she’s acting, I’d have thought you called her dead mum a cunt or something. Crazy childish on her part, but hey that’s how they are.
But you have to take responsibility for playing into it. My guess is this isn’t the first time you have. could’ve been the straw that broke the camels back. That light switch might’ve flipped and shit-talking between her and her friends kicked into overdrive. But you shouldn’t care. You say you have goals, hobbies, etc. what’s missing from life that’d make your frame stronger?
If you decide the pros of this chick outweigh the cons, I’d address this bullshit directly. Not by DEERing, but with a statement of fact. But as long as you’re the one reaching out to her, it ain’t gonna work. I’d double down on yourself and move on. Lot of other bitches out there wanna make you happy
Musicgoon78 2 1d ago
Bro, she was looking for the smallest thing to punish you over. This shit is cooked.
On the plus side. You're a free man!
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
Yeah bro that doesn't warrant a month of no contact
Turn is over and even if it's not you shouldn't tolerate this
You want the mother of your children introducing such unpredictability into your life?
She might also just be mad or anxious that you've been together for 5 years with no final destination. You can't have forever plates without them springing out the nuclear trump cards
They won't vent it to you. I think the games are starting. My guess is she is in forever plate status
MrSupreme 1d ago
Definitely it is on her, you did nothing wrong, you weren't even mean. She's trying to express something and that was her outlet, completely irrational. If she wants out give it to her, do the breaking up first, and don't be surprised if the dread works in your favor for some reason. That is advanced game stuff.
First-light 2d ago
In the absence of understanding what the actual argument was about, it sounds like you might as well try a different tactic to the one that is not working.
Tell her that since she has not replied for weeks, you realise she wants to be left alone. You are genuinely sorry but don't know what else to say or do since she isn't talking, so you will you will be going quiet for a while and waiting for her to make contact. Then she knows the ball is clearly in her court. I would add in something like "for a while" or "for now" because it gives you a back door if you do have a reason to make contact again if it appears later to be appropriate. But try not to use the back door. Its Ok if say you heard one of her old friends was in town, thought she might like to know or you heard she had a car crash, not "Still thinking of you at 3 AM"
Its a bit odd really that something you said should cause such offence. Either it presses on an issue that is a great wound in the relationship and which she feels you just don't care about or a sign or great incompatibility, or it is the last straw to someone who has had enough? Its unlikely after 5 years that words accidentally spoken could have this effect unless there was something a lot deeper behind it. If there was nothing deeper behind it, then she is a useless girlfriend and next. You can't be living with someone who cares more about words than you.
FiendingForRanch 1d ago
Thanks for the thoughts. I put the detailed situation in thread above if you’re interested in reading it. I think this pressed on a deeper issue like you said. She thinks I have a problem with who she is and maybe this is just the last straw. Coming from a large family of boys I grew up always getting bombarded by jokes and disrespect. So when something rude is said to me I literally forget about it 2 mins later and never remember it again. She’s the opposite being an only child. 5 months of just pure happiness and joy between us and I say one thing rude and it gets carried in her memory bank for eternity. I know that’s not the ideal person to be with but I figure most women are that way somewhat.
We have a crazy good life outside of these random events. She’s getting sick of it though and thinks it’s not normal (I think it is, we’re humans) but I can’t really say that cause it’s just an excuse for shitty behavior. She thinks it’s a pattern and it IS a pattern. You can’t really tell someone that you’re gonna continue to say rude things 1-2x a year for the rest of their life without looking dumb. I try to take ownership of saying dumb shit but stuff also happens. Maybe I say stupid things more often than the average person but I highly doubt it.
Anyways, ranting about random stuff now. I think this could’ve all been resolved by just getting through the shit tests and STFU.
First-light 1d ago
Really does sound like she is being harsh then. This is the problem in a society where people are so easily offended and where offense is a crime. You can't win if she thinks she has really been aggrieved.
I have a slightly related problem. In arguments my lady likes to tell me how much I have done wrong and how bad my character is. After an hour or so of provocation, I might tell her a couple of home truths too. These are then logged against me for life. If I plead "But you just told me such things for hours first" she will say "like what?" and honestly I have forgotten exactly what she said because i knew she was just angry. She however will remember stuff I said a decade ago and serve it up as a still burning offence.
SeasonedRP 1 2d ago
Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to exit. I wouldn't contact her.
FiendingForRanch 1d ago
Yeah definitely could be. I apologized sincerely, so at this point she has an issue with who I am in a much broader and deeper way I think.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1d ago
You didn't even need to apologize sincerely it was a basic misunderstanding.
She should have come back down to earth with even a minor apology or even just an explanation
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2d ago
Bro, i would love to help you but I don't even know what you said to her. Maybe it was minor z maybe it was soul crushing. Who knows because you didn't specify a possibly crucial exchange
But regardless, your LTR (of 5 fucking years no less) isn't responding in a fucking month
Holy fuck, that is beyond unhealthy. And you apologized
Man, unless you genuinely said some beyond the pale reprehensible shit (in which it would be over anyway) she is done and doesn't deserve a second of your time
3+ weeks of no contact after 5 years with her? What the fuck????
I'd assume she is fucking around and end this
You're not going to DEER or apologize your way out of this
Any woman tossing 5+ years away like this is a shitty partner who was already looking for an excuse to leave.
Any woman who respects or loves her man wouldn't do that
I'm sorry man. Woman sincerely suck some times. It's unclear what you said so it's hard for me to even be objective but this isn't a good situation.
Personally after over 24 hours of no speak I would have ended this. 5+ years and shutting someone out for over full day is completely reprehensible. That's not okay
FiendingForRanch 1d ago
See some of my replies above for context. I left out what I said to keep things short and in the end, it wasn’t anything crazy in my opinion to warrant a reaction like this. I agree, feels like she’s looking for a way out and this is it. Women are sensitive asf sometimes man. We’re happy 99% of the time. I lead her, we do things, travel, adventure, life is fun. I compliment her and she’s happy. But something wrong happens and they’re emotional asf about it. She’s in for a rough time out there if we break it off cause there’s probably only a handful of men who will treat her better than I have and they’ll be full on beta for sure. I’ve tried to strike a good mix of strong frame, fun, and beta traits.
In the end, I’m thinking it’s just no longer my turn.