I know I'll be scorched here as LDRs are frowned upon, and not considered as real relationships, but this is the situation that I am in.
So, been in a long-distance relationship she’s visited me a couple times — things always go well in person. She was the one who brought up closing the distance and moving to my country. Her words: she doesn’t want us to keep visiting and then one day ask, “Why are we even doing this?”
I started looking for an apartment with that in mind. When I told her I found a place and might sign, she suddenly got stressed. Said it made things feel “real.” No breakdown, just visible tension. She even started seeing a therapist about it. Which suggested for her to take things very slow.
We had a call yesterday. She said her job situation is the biggest concern — figuring out remote work or how to land something here. Logical concerns, sure. I put emphasis on not feeling pressured and that we can go with the flow, while also comforting her and that I want her to move here. But there was no emotional reciprocity from her side. She was glad we had the talk, mentioning that it was comforting, but for me it felt the opposite and gave me even more ambiguity. We haven't spoken much after this.
I’ve paid for most of the trips, but we agreed long-term we’d split costs. Still, I’m the one putting in most of the material investment so far. Now she’s talking about the move more like a logistical challenge than something she’s emotionally committed to.
Question: Is this just normal pressure hitting her, or is this the first sign she’s pulling back?
My take: When fantasy meets reality, people show their true calibration. She liked the idea — but now that I’m making moves, she’s reacting with stress, not certainty. That’s not a great signal. I’m watching closely, but I won’t chase.
Mofreer 1mo ago
It seems like you acted sooner than she was anticipating. She's certainly feeling the pressure.
There's certainly an element that you haven't paid attention to at play here. Because if she hasn't reassured you the last time you spoke, it means she's weighing out her options and wether this relationship is worth it or not.
I'd advise in not reaching out and letting her come to you.
pofkaf 1 1mo ago
Tomassi's Iron Rule #4. Never live with a woman you aren't married to, or aren't planning to marry soon.
Don't move in with this chick. If she likes you enough, she'll find a way to be near you.
Sounds like you caught her bluffing anyways. Forget about this situation and move on with your lofe.
taya2002 1mo ago
Even if she was just visiting me and time is is always great together, you still think she was just bluffing?
pofkaf 1 1mo ago
Bluffing isn't the point.
Don't live with a woman who you aren't legally obligated to support. Just don't do it. No good can come from it.
And get our of her frame.
taya2002 1mo ago
I get your point. Thank you
Durek_The_Bald 1mo ago
Your job to get sex, her job to get a relationship. But you're doing all the work to get a relationship going here. That's a giant turn-off for her.
You're starting from a very weak position here - everything from accepting an LDR in the first place, to doing the work to make it a real relationship. But I suppose that's probably something you're going to have to learn the hard way. Suffice to say, this is going to be a shit relationship, an constant uphill battle. Don't knock her up.
taya2002 1mo ago
If from this small post its easily understood that I am carrying most of the emotional weight, then I need some serious reflection before stepping forward.
Durek_The_Bald 1mo ago
No, you need options. Actual, real options. Because if you did, there's no way you'd define something long distance as a "relationship". And there's no way you'd be the pursuer of a relationship. If you had options, you'd hold back, because you'd be concerned about giving up your other options.
Women fully understand the subtext of such behavior. You might as well just tell her flat out: "I wanted a long-distance relationship with you, and now I want you to move here, and I'll do all the work to make that happen, because no other woman wants to have sex with me".
The problem with desperate behaviour like that, is women want to fuck men that other women want to fuck too. And you're going out of your way to show her there's no competition for you, that you're not a prize to be won over. Because, likely, that is the truth. So you need to do something about that truth.
This is quite literally the worst possible way to start off on a real relationship. Because you're starting from a position of weakness, from a position of being the beggar. Committed relationships, by their very nature, are already skewed in favour of the woman, because she's gaining something, while you're sacrificing something. No need to make them harder than they need to be by starting off on the wrong foot.
taya2002 1mo ago
Your point about options is real. Although, I must mention that she initiated the moving here idea, and I followed through. But I suppose in doing so, I communicated that she's my only option. She does know I have attention from other girls as she tells me how popular I am and all that, but that actually reinforces your point about 'real options '. Because she's now confused, she has the idea that I have options, but my actions are contradictory to that perception.
Since we had the talk about moving in, I have stopped initiating conversations, she pursued a bit then mirrored my behavior. So, now I am not sure if it's okay not to reach out and let the next conversation come from her.
I will start going out again, and communicating with other women.
MrSupreme 1mo ago
If a girl wants association with you she'll do everything possible to make it happen: a date,sex,moving in together or breaking up. Very nice to be talking about it but now she's all messed up cause she doesn't know how to back away from it.Also i get the vibe from what you say,that she wants you to do everything, even hooking her up with a nice comfy job.
Consider cancelling plans together, it is a big step,should be treated as such and you both have to be 100% in, she's like 23% in.
No-Stress-Cat 1mo ago
I'm going to put it bluntly here: She's not hesitating because of you. She's hesitating because of her social connections.
I've been in many relationships with women from all over the world, and the one thing that has proven to hold true EVERY SINGLE TIME:
YOU CAN NOT TAKE A WOMAN AWAY FROM HER MOMMA.
Don't even think about it. No matter where she goes, for however many years, even if you have a house with a white picket fence, 2 dogs, and 5 kids, SHE ALWAYS GOES BACK TO MOMMA. There is no escaping this inevitability.
If you want to be with this girl, you're going to have to move there. If that's not an option, then there's no point in continuing the relationship.
Now for your obligatory warning: Either learn from my experience and the wisdom I have bestowed upon you, or learn the hard way.
This is just a word of advice. Do as you will with it, young brother.
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First-light 1mo ago
There is bound to be a lot of pressure in moving countries to be with someone. Even if this works, it won't have anything like the feel of a holiday meet up like you had before. Then you had the joy of meeting, now you have the work of life.
You did the right thing to try to close the gap. Keep working on it supportively. Either you will get together and there will be a fair few bumps as you integrate your lives or you will be free of a relationship that had no long term future.
Women are always mindful of security. She will be worried about work and a new country. Feeling insecure makes them wary. It could be the relationship that she is not sure of but it could also be the move. You won't know unless you move forward confidently.
taya2002 1mo ago
I see your point. Instead of being supportive and warm, I've noticed that I am more distant now, she initiates a little bit, but she's somewhat mirroring me at this point. We haven't had any fruitful conversation after we had that talk.
Once I figured out she's weighing her options, I just took a second look at myself to evaluate what I am getting myself involved in. Because there are some concerns regarding some of her behaviors that could interfere with our long term compatibility.