I will probably be breaking up with my LTR and I have two issues that I don't know how to deal with.
I want to make sure that I really don't love her anymore and that this isn't just a temporary mood shift because I'm currently losing weight and therefore in a bad mood. In the last few days, however, my feeling has been reinforced, so I assume that this is the case.
The first problem is how I tell her. I've lived with her and her children for 5 years, and even if I don't love her anymore, I like the children with all my heart and they like me too. But that's not the question for this post either.
Rather, I'm hoping you guys can give me some tips as far as logistics go. We live together in her house. I have all my possessions, documents and personal belongings in her house. I have my own house about 20 miles away. If everything goes well, she will react reasonably neutrally and I can move everything in peace. But what do I do if she gets emotional, maybe kicks me out straight away? I don't really want to clear everything out and then tell her when she comes home that I'm separating. No matter how she behaves, I want to treat her respectfully. I value and respect her as a person, I loved her for a long time, but not anymore. So I don't want to make any asshole moves.
Do you have any recommendations for me on how I can handle the situation well?
Devember 1y ago
Being ass is when you're an ass, if you have to take care of your buisness then it's being a man.
Everything you leave in her house, to move after, count as a loss. Just in case, you wont be surprised.
She might want to negotaiate of sorts. Just keep quiet and dont explain at this point. Tell her 'I will see you in a week after the move, you can ask me more then'.
The more you talk then and there the more chances it will go sour, right away.
When you are on a neutral ground, later, it doesn't matter. You can walk away any time. You can use it as a training how crazy (or not) it can get and train your frame, its v useful this way.
She'll use the children arguments.
You could do it over a text, but it is useful to break up face to face for a training. Unless you have no time.
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
Dude, you are all over the place.
"I want to make sure that I really don't love her any more"
WTF. Make up your mind.
If you decide that its over, then its very clear what you need to do. Start preparing. That means you buy a load of boxes and tape, have them delivered to your house (20 miles away).
Then pick a day when she will be out for a long time. Then pack up everything that is yours and ship it out to your own house. DONT take anything that isn't yours. If it belongs to both of you, then don't take it, just write it off. Only take what is yours.
Then call her on the phone and tell her that you have moved out, and that the relationship is over.
This my friend, is the moment you need to 'be a man' more than any other. You are not doing that right now. For example when you write
"If everything goes well, she will react reasonably neutrally and I can move everything in peace. But what do I do if she gets emotional, maybe kicks me out straight away?"
You are making your future actions reliant on her emotional state. That is fucked up. You need to behave and act according to your own code and needs. Stop making your actions conditional on her, and in particular, her fucking 'emotions'.
Intrepid_Place53900 1 1y ago
she has multiple kids and you live with her? What's wrong with you young guys?
Take the important stuff, documents, items of importance for you and move them. You didn't "share" purchases? You don't mix money together? You have to look at the laws where you live to see if this is going to be an issue.
She'll likely flip out on you and throw you out. at that point, you don't have access to the house, not with kids in their for sure. So, again, take your important stuff over to your house, including clothes,and such that you need. Assume when you tell her you don't have access to house.
Change the locks on your house before this, if she had keys and such so she can't get into your place also.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 1y ago
1) make up your fucking mind.
2) decide, then act. Do not discuss.
3) it'll be in your interests to get your shit out of there before breaking up, and to do so while she's not present.
Putting your interests first makes you an asshole in soyciety's eyes, and yes, Virginia, you DO have to be an asshole.
MrSupreme 1y ago
I don't think she's gonna be cool with the decision, so you're in for a bumpy ride.It is going to be unpleasant, uncomfortable and the kids will probably be watching. If you've made up your mind and decided you're gonna leave the relationship, you're gonna have to leave the kids too, forever.
Only tip is to make it fast, let her know you don't love her anymore and you can't live together anymore. Move your shit quickly.
Musicgoon78 3 1y ago
You really want to treat her respectfully when you're done? Good luck with that bro.
Most women won't let you walk away cleanly. They need to make sure you're destroyed. I doubt she's the exception.
More than likely she will break your shit, steal it or hold it hostage.
Save that noble shit for your kids if you ever have any. This has to be done smartly. This is a chess game not anything honorable. It's going to suck.
I've broken up with countless women. About 99% of them tried to be vindictive. You show your hand to her and you lose. She could tell the police you beat her or worse and you end up in jail. It's not worth the risk for some generic white knight honor. Don't you start simping now.
You may not want to hear this however, you shacked up with damaged goods. She already got pumped and dumped by one guy and she can't keep you around. I'm putting my money on this will not be respectful at all.
If that's the hill you want to die on or the jail cell you want to sleep in, by all means go overt. You'll be able to at least tell your cellmate or your burning pile of belongings that you treated her with respect.
I would personally go covert and move out while she isn't there.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
I would just be an adult about it. Tell her it's over, settle the bills, tell the kids goodbye, and move on. Maybe you can friend-zone her and see the kids whenever you want. Even better you could make her a FWB. But anyway, as a person with kids she needs to know her cash cow/plow horse is going away and she'll be picking up the tab from now on.
First-light 2 1y ago
Its not unusual to feel like you do at the end of a LTR. There are days when you feel sorry for her, when you see the good things in her that you were drawn to, that made the relationship work and there are days when as meatloaf put it "If I have to spend another minute with you, I don't think that I can really survive" This equivocality is normal and is not to be criticised. Successful relationships sometimes pass through very challenging times but challenging times are also a really good sign a relationship is not working out.
Dieting does change your brain a bit. If its a big diet, it can take some months after you stabilise your weight again to know where you now stand. Some of the changes may be permanent. If you lose a lot of adipose tissue that was messing with your hormones, you will have changed your body chemistry. The growth hormone released by the ghrelin from being hungry will have given your brain a good clean out and made some new connections too probably.
If you think the diet may be influencing things, hang in there a bit to see. Usually making a big change just confirms you need to make another big change. Market fundamentals of having a woman with another man's children is not great.
Asking how to end it well is a bit like asking how to kill a chicken kindly. There isn't really any way to do it kindly but do it swiftly and efficiently and its the kindest you will manage. This reduces the ways it can get more bitter through conflict and extra hurt.
Some good advice has been given. Get your legal documents and small valuables over covertly Change your locks or at least buy the locks for you to change as soon as you leave, if she does have a key and drop round yours. Put aside enough money to make it a clean exit. You can move over clothes you rarely use as well but over do this and she may well spot something. Sort haulage requirements -if you do not have access to a suitable truck to make one trip or at least sort it in a short day, get a quote from a reputable company to hire one and men as well if you have a lot of stuff.
You now have a choice of whether to go dishonourably but easily or be more honourable. The easy solution is to sort haulage and then tell her you are through and you are moving out tomorrow morning when she goes to work. This will be a source of bitching about you for the rest of her life. If she is not someone who will feature in the rest of your life, this may not matter much to you and she will eventually come to enjoy the victim side of the bitching.
Most of us prefer to be honourable, so you have to have conversations with her and then tell her "I will arrange to leave" and then arrange it fast because you already have it set up.
Settling the bills is honourable if rather blue pill. It will make it simple and avoid a great deal of stress for you. So having all the right details for that with you prior to the big announcement, will make it a lot smoother. You could have it wall worked out what your half is and just transfer her the money if you don't feel so blue pilled.
Be very thorough in checking the house before you give the key back. Really it is best to be thorough weeks earlier and systematically go over each room putting your stuff in organised places or taking it home.