**Sorry about the long post but I need to unload this. English is not my first language.
Looks like it’s my turn to burn at the stake gentlemen. LTR of 3 years brought some issues up to me a month ago. How she has been unhappy in the relationship, how I broke her numerous times and she’s tired of waiting for the relationship to improve. Most of these came from how I went about punishing her when I felt she did something wrong. She reminded me of the days she slept next to me crying because I wouldn’t touch her after she came late. Times when she had to call me off her mom’s phone because I blocked her for weeks over some other stupid mistake. These things happened ages ago and Idk why they’re just bothering her now. She said she’s never once felt me pursue her and it hurts her. That she always has to be on egg shells around me because she might say the wrong thing and we wouldn’t talk for weeks.
This shit looks like stuff she’s really thought through. Then she said she would like space but she knows I don’t believe in that so she doesn’t know how we’ll mend things. I just replied “let’s talk in person and fuck it out.” She came over and I blew her back but I could tell it isn’t the same any more. The sex didn’t have the effect it’s always had on her before, even after cumming like 4 times. Her whole body was shaking but she was still being logical. I tried cuddling her and manipulating her, she cried and said something is broken and she doesn’t think it can be fixed. Fucked her one more time and realized it was just sex. She would have intense orgasms but it wasn’t affecting her head.
I’m realizing I caught oneitis and it hurts like hell. This is a girl who would do anything for me and now she says it feels hard for her to do it. Says it even feels hard to take tit pics for me. The sad part is I know I fucked it up for the most part, being gone for extended durations and neglecting most of my duties in the LTR. I can tell that she’s mentally and emotionally gone.
We decided to give it another shot but things just got worse. She took me out for lunch for my birthday on Monday and I saw texts from a guy on her phone. It’s someone she needs to help her get into her career and I had told her it’s okay as long as everything stays professional. Dude has been hitting on her, basically just one sided texts but it still looks bad. Calling her babe (she replied to address her by her name), updating her about his day even when she doesn’t reply and pressing her on meeting up. I got pretty pissed about it because she should have cut that shit out the moment he started being inappropriate. She said she thought she was handling it right since she wasn’t engaging, till he served his purpose in her career. She said she could block him if it was bothering me but I felt the damage had already been done. I felt super disgusted and couldn’t even let her touch me. Went drinking with my friends and haven’t communicated with her since then.
I know what I need to do but it doesn’t feel easy. I don’t even think it’s so much about her, but the fact that I let this kind of shit sneak up on me. My ego is hurt terribly. I feel like I need to get another girl asap to help get through this quicker but all I’m finding is hoes (got lots of those, I fucked at least 80 bitches while in the LTR). Doesn’t make it any better that I’m dealing with financial and legal issues atm.
First-light 1 1y ago
Its easy to let female negativity sneak up on you. Women are fine with some negativity in a relationship until they decide the relationship itself is no longer worth it, then all the negativity that has been saved up comes out -stuff you did that upset her that you assumed was forgiven years ago, just as you forgave things she did that upset you years ago. This can have very serious consequences for a man who has been rather assertive -he may be called an abuser, though she was all fine and consenting with it at the time.
Look at this through Briffault's law and then it is not so personal. There is insufficient benefit in this relationship for her, so she no longer particularly wants the relationship to exist. Naturally she is drawn to a man who can help her career and doesn't totally shut him right down, when he is at least a potential back up to a relationship that is not satisfying her. There is benefit there but what benefit do you bring to her that compares to that? You have been absent and quite cold to her only rewarding her compliance. These tactics can make someone enthusiastic about a relationship try harder but they are just the same tactics women use on thirsty beta males to "train them". Once the enthusiasm goes Beta starts to ask "why am I doing this?" but for women it is worse -they need to see benefit flow to them too. Beta's compliance can be rewarded with sex but sex is a very limited benefit to an attractive woman. She can easily get sex elsewhere if she chooses.
In the end in a LTR, you cant fake it and manipulate women forever. They need to see benefit come to them. It you are away plenty, are demanding when you are around and you are banging lots of other women, you need to supply a serious lot of benefit when you are around or else her fire is going to fizzle out from lack of fuel. Briffault's law wins every time in the end. If you see that its not so bad, its just what was going to happen from your tactics.
It probably is broken unless you want to go through a whole change of tactics and be warm to her and less hard on her minor faults. Even then she may have moved on emotionally. Its easy to say "Don't get oneitis" but you have invested a fair amount of time in the relationship and a fair amount of time and searching will be probably be needed to replace her, so the pain is understandable.
It is self aware of you to see your ego is hurt most. This suggests you will heal sooner than most. Count the relationship as lost and you can only be pleasantly surprised if it is not. Just treat her very well with kindness in any dealings now it will make a break up easier if it happens. As a priority get your legal financial issues sorted and you will have the time and energy to sort out another LTR. Good luck. you sound like the sort of guy who will walk out of this fine.
w4iks 1y ago
This is a great explanation and answers most of the questions I have. Looking at it from this angle, I can understand why things are going how they’re going. I know she’s under a lot of pressure to secure a job and get her career going, she graduated 5 months ago and hasn’t had anything really going for her. Lots of sad quotes and self motivation quotes in her saved posts and screenshots. Add all the free time to sit and over-analyze situations. She pretty much said we have super great sex and an amazing friendship but I’m not very good as a boyfriend.
I know I can’t change my tactics and it’s just impossible for me to let bad behavior go unpunished. It’s also impossible for me to invest more in the LTR than she does. My default is to reward her for being a good girl. It’s also funny that I’m not as hard on my other hoes. I might know they’re doing some grimy shit behind my back and not give a fuck.
My ego is hurt because I thought I know game. Thought I wasn’t the kind of guy this happens to. My friends were always amused by how easily and perfectly I ran the LTR and I won’t know what to tell them when they ask about her lol. Add the fact that it’ll be hard to get and train another girl like this. Young, low bc, super submissive, non-materialistic and a near perfect home condition. This is a person I could wake at 3 am to do some task for me, send me money or just chit-chat till I fell asleep.
First-light 1 1y ago
I think you have made a good point there on another important area of female psychology there -the wholistic nature of their happiness. If she is not getting success in work after graduation, she feels she has failed in life, then it makes everything else gloomier too and she is more likely to sit and pick out the problems in other areas. If its good, its all good, if its bad then she will take out all the problems she swept under the carpet too. Even if she denies it, its all related, even the being lukewarm to the other guy who might help her not freezing him out, its because she feels weak and wants strength to bring her good things.
I think game is more of a short term solution to relationships with women or at least the game has to evolve in the longer term relationship to include them in the winning team. Offering a fair deal under your leadership is a lot easier than trying to keep selling a bad deal to a woman by long term game. You wouldn't for a moment tolerate the things you are gaming her to tolerate and in the end she realises -its a bad deal.
Estrogen is spinning her hamster wheel all over and that makes her want to follow you as a strong man of high value but in the end, no amount of the impression of your high value will compensate for the reality of her getting low value benefit in the long term. She gradually realises she is being played and she is living in your frame which may not really be in her interest. Submissive women submit in the hope your attraction, strength and high value leads them somewhere better than they could get alone or driving a beta. This means you can lead them anywhere at first because they expect good things and fear the thought of losing you -the key to those good things.
But after a while its a bit like a football team where the hot shot manager they are paying a lot for doesn't stop them losing. The manager can try to reframe losses as one thing or another but in the end if the players keep losing, the dressing room will revolt and the shareholders will sack him. In the STR, you are long gone before this stage, leaving just the memory of when she had a few weeks playing in the major leagues -she had someone who was great but she couldn't quite up her game enough to hold you. Game is super powerful in the short term.
Long term, if things go bad and she has options, she looks to them, if she thinks she has no other options, its even worse, -you are stuck with a miserable weak woman, who tends to abrogate any responsibility -she got you in to lead and deal with all that- and gradually she fills with the bitter feeling that you came up short for her.
It does get harder to find innocent women as one gets older. Its worth getting the next one lined up but only when you are in a position where you feel you can deliver her positive value -like when legal and financial things are sorted.
If you do want to possibly keep her in the end, I would drop the reigns totally, take off the tack and open the gate, leaving the feed bin open in the stable at the same time. Do not game her another time, do not manipulate her, do not punish her emotionally, just say "sure have the space you need" Agree if this means you are both allowed to bang others, agree if its a temporary trial. From then on in your contacts, deliver good things to her when you see her, answer when she calls to say she got home ok, treat her like she has value to you. Don't Beta out and answer the phone when in a meeting or listen to complaints about her day at 11.00 at night, just don't game her by ignoring her reasonable calls to keep her keen. Be quality not act quality. When together, look to what might help her improve her life and state of mind (the two are almost the same thing with women) and then get on with your own life without her in your head. It is just possible over time that when she is happier and she has only received good from you, normal service might resume on the hamster wheel. You may feel that is not worth it but then that is your answer for you.
w4iks 1y ago
I noticed the wholistic nature of their happiness again when she was trying to secure internship. That was the second lowest point in the LTR compared to this. Things were perfect when she was in school and all she cared about was skip classes and bang all day.
You’re making really great points and I’ll accept that I have more illusion of value than actual value. I will take this as a wake up call, especially now that I’m getting older. Everyone greatly overestimates me (including guys) because I have lots of charisma and social capital. I hang with millionaires who think I’m on the same level or on my way there. Maybe she saw through this or got tied of waiting for it to materialize. It’s the same reason I’m very good at STR, at least 70% of my bc is from one night stands with no repeats. I will use this as fuel to stop slacking and make something out of my life.
It does get hard to get innocent dateable women as you get older, given that I don’t want too big of an age gap. I just turned 28 and her 24. Got with her when she was 21 with an alleged bc of 3, none of which left a permanent impression. I sure wouldn’t want to LTR a woman who has been with an asshole like myself lol. I’ve also noticed that younger women are all about fun and vibes but as they get older they start being more logical. I have a 22 year old who wants to come over and she doesn’t care for much, just to feed her and fuck her. It’s the 25+ year olds who complain that I never take them out and only call them as booty calls.
I agree with you on being kind for the time being. I’ll probably plate her and loosen my hand on the reigns. I’m planning to get my shit in order then go on vacation because I can work from anywhere. It’s funny how oneitis works; I can’t point out exactly what feels so terrible about this. It’s like drugs, I feel like I just need one call or session with her and I’ll get my fix. One thing for sure is I have to be the one who left her and not the other way round.
This interaction has helped me process and feel better about this more than anything else. Much appreciated!
lonewolf1 1y ago
Pull back, and pull back hard. Let her run through the cycle of hopping on the carousel, it's over for now. You cordially pull back and concentrate on your issues and work. "I am busy atm"
It will take a while for her emotions to heat up again, we talking months to a year here. Sit back, let her come to you.
But you have to pull the plug first, not her.
If you performed better and got her emotionally higher than all the cocks she is hopping on now, you will have her submit to you again down the line.
Take the challenge and grow from it. let's go champ.
w4iks 1y ago
How do I pull the plug first? Do I contact her and let her know or do I just let things go silently? When I saw the texts I told her I now understand why she’s been claiming to be unhappy in the LTR and why she was asking for space. She tried to deny that the two weren’t related and that’s how we left things. She later called, most likely to say she got home and I didn’t pick up. I was thinking of calling her to my place, fuck her hard and tell her that’s for ruining my birthday. I won’t talk about all the other stuff and just go no contact after that. What do you think?
Sexually I would like to think I’m the best she ever had. Emotionally, she said I give her the highest highs but also the lowest lows. I’m finding it hard to accept someone else will probably fuck her because I can’t view her the same after that. But logically speaking, how different will this be from the other times I disappeared for weeks?
Thanks for the support and insight.
Whatsnext 1y ago
I agree with breaking up first. One thing I see a lot is guys never break up with the girl. I think breaking up first is a huge advantage. IDK if its worth "hoping" her emotions heat up again though. Id see it as a lost LTR that maybe you fuck in the future but who cares
coolsocks00 1 1y ago
Break up and figure out why you’re acting like such a butthurt bitch about things, for your own good. Mentality issues.
w4iks 1y ago
I’m already doing a lot of introspection and working to get my life back in order. This could be the wake up call I didn’t know I needed.
Whatsnext 1y ago
I would peruse the ASKMRP sub. I wouldn't post since you aren't married but start observing the information being told to the men there. The basis of it is becoming more masculine and improving your value, dealing with married shit tests, etc. The attachment in ltr is the hardest part of me personally and the reason I ended up coming to the red pill. I think the relationship is over as others have said. I don't think you should feel bad ego wise. We can all improve and even if you played it perfectly she's still a women and can lose her feels at any moment