We broke up and it’s all my fault. This is an update from my last post. I also have now purchased the new house in my name only
On the surface it was because of a house move. It just made her think about issues we had in the relationship.
The main issue was the lack of sex and affection. This is all my fault. I got too comfortable. Took her for granted. We both got stuck in a routine. Some of it wasn’t my fault. For around a year she had a lung problem. This affected us both mentally. I become more anxious about life. I preferred to stay indoors and spend time only with her and family because I feel life is short. I visited her in hospital every day. She also developed anxiety too from being in hospital. She thought her life will be short. I took is both a while to recover from this. So naturally sex and dating were out to the back of our mind.
She did mention it a few times but I did try but then I quickly fell back into old habits. Not making the effort. She thought I didn’t love her. Which I get. But I love her so much. I was just an idiot for not listening to her needs.
I said I will change. I realise the mistake I made and explained about the anxiety. She kept saying her heart wants to give it another try but her head says not to. She also said why couldn’t you be like this months ago.
On the day of the break up. I asked her to stay. She cried and sat on the porch as she was leaving for a long time. Almost like she was thinking should I give it another try. She came back to the house and stood near me. She was thinking. Then she left the house then came back again. I told her I can make things work.
She hugged me many times, cried and kissed me on the forehead and left. she said she respects me, it’s breaking her heart. And she told me you were the first guy to show me true love.
Do you think I can win her back and how? I feel she loves me but is scared that I go back to old habits. I hurt her as she thought I didn’t love her.
reading online- the advice just seems go no contact then try again and make things work after a period of you both missing each other.
TL;DR we broke up cos I got lazy. I took relationship for granted. She thought I didn’t love her. She still loves me but her head says don’t try.
I just want the chance, if it doesn’t work then at least I can say I did all I can and have no regrets
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
Hi man, I have been following your post with interest - because it's very relevant to my own (in the middle of a divorce, decade of marriage)
two main points for you;
1. You are concentrating on what she wants / thinks In all of your text, its messages like "she says she loves me...." She said that I didn't give her this..... she is sad and doesn't know what to do....
You need to stop all of that and focus on what you want. You need to get in touch with yourself - what do you want? What do you need from life? What does your future look like? And most important of all - would she be a good mother to your future children? is she a good role model, good future mother, will she nurture them and care for them, raise them right, will she be a good lover and companion to you as you age.
These are the only important questions right now.
If you don't think you want children, then you don't need this woman, or any woman living in your house. The only reason a man should take the HUGE risk of losing his house, 400% of his net worth, his mental health etc is to have children. That is it, the only reason.
You are focused on the wrong question You keep asking if you can 'win her back'. Wtf. Of course you can. the real question is this
Do you WANT to win her back?
Question 1 above - please answer this. Why do you want to win her back? You said yourself that you lost interest in her sexually - there is a reason for this. Why? PLEASE don't say ill health. That is a delusion (that I am sick of hearing!!!) People fuck when they are seriously wounder or dying. Ill health is b/s. People don't fuck because they don't want to fuck. Tell me why you didn't want to fuck her. Be honest.
Question 2 - please answer. I won't tell you what I think. I want to know what you think.
Sending you warm regards brother.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
Thank you. Sorry for the late reply. I hope you are well. It is very tough going through divorce
Questions 1 - I do what her back. She is an attractive blond girl who is very kind. I didn’t lose interest but I worked so much and focused on my career I lost interest in a lot of things. Sex, I stopped going to the gym, stopped playing tennis with some work buddies. I only have vision for one thing and that was career success so I lost sight of everything else. Staying up late to do more work.
Question 2 - it is hard to say. She will probably make more demands that I would have to meet. But on the other hand it may be better. I will be more attentive, look after my self more and have a better work life balance. Which might bring back the good times. In regards to children, she never wanted children. In truth I don’t think I will ever have children either.
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
There are millions of those. They are around every corner. This is not a good reason to want somebody back (that has derailed your house purchase).
This is an interesting piece of cope. I was interested to see if you would be able to be truthful with yourself. It would seem not. There is nothing about working hard and focusing on your career (or stoping working out) that would make anyone lose interest in sex. This is self delusion. (sorry to be blunt brother but I have to push you on this). There is some other reason why you didn't want to have sex with her. A young man like you should be wanting sex about every 24 hours. If you you have motive and opportunity and you don't end up having sex, there has to be some reason why this is the case. Please be more self analytical and reply to me.
The good times? What good times? This was a trick question really, of mine. Because if you relent now, she will see that you are weak. She will know that you have no boundaries. Nothing scares a woman as much as when they find out that they can control a man, because it means that the man is not in charge, which means they are in a ship with no rudder - it will crash into rocks. The good times are never coming back by compromising or appeasing a woman. Things only get worse from there. I'm also worried about this line;
It sounds like you plan to be more beta, to put her on a higher pedestal, and to distract yourself even more from your mission. How do you think that will work out? Honest question, please answer.
if you don't want children (with this woman) then I would say you need to get a clean break. The entire purpose of hetrosexual relationships is to form a stable bond and household for the purpose of raising children. The biggest red flag of all time (in women) is not wanting children. It means that SHE wants to be the child, and she wants you to be her daddy, while she reverts to an immature dribbling wreck. I have met and known many women like this - there is no bandwidth for a child in their lives, because they are the child.
I'm going to say this - it sounds like you are suffering from oneitis and scarcity thinking. You know this woman is not suitable, but you don't think or believe that you can get anything better (which is wrong).
If you don't want to have children with this woman, do the right thing, be kind. Be firm. Make room in your life to meet a woman with whom you would like to have children.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
Thanks for the honest reply. Sorry for my late reply.
I want her back as not only is she attractive but we started out as friends, had so many common interests. Before her so many girls I had to read up on flirting, game, pua, redpill etc. where as her it just all came natural, no effort needed. Just be my self.
You are right, if I become more beta the relationship will end up worse. I will be unhappy. I have seen on Reddit the dead bedrooms. Which is very sad to read. But surely there needs to be a balance between beta and alpha behaviour?
I appreciate your honest view brother. I need them. I have scarcity thinking. I’ve not had luck with women. Although in my younger days I’ve had many first dates and many girls interested. It seemed never to lead to anywhere. Then this girl comes up and everything just was so easy, so fun, so effortless and the years flew by.
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
Your value as a man in only just begining to increase. You are looking at the past, but you should be looking to your future. A man's high point in the sexual market place is about 45 - 55.
I am fairly confident that there is something deeply wrong with your relationship, and the evidence is that
a) you don't feel like fucking her b) she doesn't feel like respecting you for seeing you as the captain
This leads me to believe that you should think very carefully about what to do next. It could be that you need to work on yourself.
YOu are very right to be aware of dead bedrooms. Its a relationship killer - and usually the sign of a deep problem in a relationship.
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
There is a lot of victim blaming going on here in this post, OP.
it is not all your fault. Please delete that from your mind. Forever.
There were serious problems in your LTR, and they were not all your fault.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Something the other guys missed is that she said "why couldn't you be like this months ago?". Do you know what "this" is? It's your alpha side. You were willing to walk away, that's alpha to women. You asserted your frame as the dominant frame. She further reinforced this by saying you aren't passionately fucking her brains out. That's another alpha trait right there. Go read Sex God Method and try it out on her. My wife LOVES the shit I learned from that.
OK, so now that you've identified the problem, you can salvage it. LTRs require both alpha and beta traits. About 20% alpha and 80% beta. Here's why: ovulatory shift. The first week after her period is Alpha Fucks mode where she's trying to get pregnant by an alpha male. That's followed by 2 weeks of beta comfort so that she knows she has selected the right mate and her offspring will be cared for. Then there's shark week where it's best to leave her to deal with her body. Here's more on ovulatory shift: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfiL-JjbxSY
Keep in mind we're using alpha/beta as place-holders for evolutionary traits that women find attractive. Every man has them but in LTRs we tend to lose our alpha traits. Alpha = looks, face, body, voice, dominance, confidence, smoothness. Beta= investment, presentable, loyal. Otherwise known as good guy and bad guy traits.
hoe_math gives a pretty good breakdown here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4aMiAesXjE&t=51s
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
This is a good viewpoint. Thinking back I wasn’t beta enough. I just focused so much on my own goals and career at work i forget about everything else
whytehorse2021 1y ago
There will always be more work but only a finite amount of time with the ones you love.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
That is my problem right there. Focused too much on my career and lost many loved ones, missed so many family events all for work
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
You're having post breakup rationalization. she sounded like an adult child.
Not sure when you found red pill but she sounded like a nightmare in the wings waiting. some of pre red pill as a man might have influenced this but don't second guess yourself
You are reeling from a near decade of hormones and pair bonding ending shooting you in the face. Natural expected reaction. Don't second guess it you are just in withdrawal shock. 7-8 years is not any short time to scoff at that is a world breaking change but don't second guess your decisions here she was going to ruin your future happiness
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
I appreciate this reply. I’m not in a great mental state but I’ve resisted the urge not to contact her.
I wasn’t really about the house or family. It was I didn’t make the effort with her. She thought I stopped living her.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Dude if you lost your own motivation to keep trying with her there was a reason for it. She was not a good prospect from what you've described. You would have been miserable
It sucks you blew 7-8 years on her but that's what happened. Now it's time to become chad, destroyer of pussy, and find better women who actually are motivation worthy instead of lazy inspiration
redhawkes 2 1y ago
Fuck that noise bro. It's your scarcity mindset kicking in. VRx covered the rest.
Once you pull the breakup card, it's over. It's like gluing a broken vase, it'll never be the same.
If you try to make it work, she'll lose all respect for you, seeing thru your bluff. It's take it or leave it. The reasons you mentioned are called post hoc rationalization, cos you don't have other options and your brain is trying to preserve whats scarce.
Move on.
Hondurak 1y ago
Are you the one who called her your future "ex wife"?
Look man, idk if you saw my comment but you shouldve read it twice and then once more. I told you to think very carefully before taking LTR advice from TRP forums especially regarding break ups. TRP is anti-relationship. Everyone here wanna spin plates for life I guess. Everyones going to tell you to break up if she did X or Y and replace her... generic advice you should expect.
I made the same mistake as you. I took a lot of advice from the past and broke things off way too prematurely with my ex. Were things trending in that direction? possibly. Could it just have been a bump in the road? More likely. But it didnt matter, everyone was telling me to dump her, shes not LTR material. The truth is they dont know anything else besides what i told them, only painting 10% of the picture. They dont know all the pros and cons of the women youre dealing with.
Some guys are only projecting their experiences with weak LTR's. Very replaceable women. I live in South America so I deal with 20-24 year old 8s-9s. But the guy telling you to dump your LTR could be a guy who's exes are all 33 year old HB5. So basically his ltr was more replaceable than say, a theoretical hb8-9. Like no shit, ill dump a hb5 any day, as thoughtless as me wiping my ass after i take a phat shit
But yeah I fucked up. And realized i let random guys on a redpill forum have heavy influence over my real life LTR. I had to deal with the regret and break up. Anyways, if you want her back, its not too late. The sooner the better. Tell her you made a mistake and own it, and hope for the best, if you really want her back. But do it with a backbone and take accountability like a leader. Dont blame her for pushing you into a mistake you made, thats not what a leader would do. This is not the time to win the argument. Pick your battles if you really think you fucked up, Whatever you do, dont beg. No matter what.
Girls usually allow one huge mistake from my experience. And hopefully you didnt burn that one (yet).
If she says no, go no contact. Accept it. And move on, learn from your mistakes. Try again only once more after NC if you really want her back, that way you can move on in peace if its a no again. Anything more then this will lose respect.
Lone_Ranger 3 1y ago
Thanks for your input @Hondurak
Other guys, please stop voting him down, just for expressing an opinion. He has some valid points (not all I agree with) but what OP needs is some perspectives, and Hondurak is giving just that.
I have also noticed that there is a tendency on TRP to just be black pilled about everything - the gut response is 'ditch the bitch man' which is not very helpful.
OP is not some teenager in college. This is more serious. So let both sides speak out, please.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
Thank you for your alternative view point. Did you ever manage to get back with your ex?
My issue was plenty of times she reminded me to make the effort with her. Which I did but I was lazy and then stopped
Hondurak 1y ago
This was an older ex from about two years ago. I did No Contact for like 3-4 months and reached out again. She was responding and said she missed me and wanted to be together. This was the same girl that wanted nothing to do with me 3 months prior. She just so happened to move back to her hometown during No Contact so there was a distance barrier of maybe 5 hours in a car. I confirmed she wasnt lying by her social media and ig stories.
She wanted me to wait a few months to get back with her as she was planning on moving back. I had to call it off then because I did not wanna wait in vain for something that may or may not have happened. Things can change you know. But at the time she said she wanted me back.
For your case, efforts important in a LTR. A relationship will die without one. Girls will seriously consider jumping ship from the best men if they dont put in effort. Im talking about LTR, and not being plated.
Maturin_nj 1y ago
I read your post. Now your blaming trp. You seem to think girl does something - man reacts like an algorithm,and women responds to the playbook. Your the guy where the girl said ILY. Your response is where you fucked up. Not trp.
TRP is about insights into female nature first and foremost, and viable male strategies to best interact with women. Most importantly trp contradicts all the lies men are conditioned to believe per the BP. Most of you guys due to your age have no idea what dating was like under height of the BP era 1980 -2000 when 95% ofmen where BP accepting it as gospel. One young guy on here referred to it as the days when women were loyal lol.
Hondurak 1y ago
Nope, wrong. This is an older ex from a year or two back. This is not the same girl.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
I am not blaming TRP. I’m just wondering if I become a better version of myself. Follow TRP, become financially independent. Is their a chance to get back with an ex
Maturin_nj 1y ago
Not you. The other guy hondurak.
Maybe, you can get back with her but your getting desperate. She's calling the shots and putting the blame on you for not being loving. Your blaming yourself like most guys do. You said I'll change. Do anything you want. Just give me another chance so I can be subservient and submissive to try to make you happy. What hoops do I need to jump through. Is this a recipe for success in the future where she won't have you wrapped around her finger. I said earlier I think shes playing the I love you but I'm not in love with you riddle. Are you familiar with that ssying. Its common womaneese. This is a bad place to be in. Your head is all fucked up. That's normal. We've all been there including me. At least you know it's not the family issue. Good. Thats some Progress.
She said she doesn't think you love her. Ok. I call that bs. Wartortle - when a women is in love with you she'll stick and try to make you love her. Don't do anything stupid to demonstrate your love. Don't do anything.
Do you want me to send you a magic Potion you can slip into her drink. Dude you got a lot of advice. You tell us. What are your options. Sending her flowers is not one of them.
Your in Germany right. Your English is damn good. I wish I could speak German like you speak English. My German sucks.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
Thank you. I had a very good teacher for my English. But sometimes my grammar can be off.
What is the I love you but I’m not in love with you?
She wanted to give it a try but she said she is afraid that I go back to before. Making no effort.
I just want to try and if it doesn’t work. Then so be it
Maturin_nj 1y ago
Google it. Try to understand it. It may sound silly to a man but it has meaning. Maybe she said something similar in German.
The no effort shit is what a lot of guys hear. Women have all sorts of expectations. Some reasonable or just plain nuts and made up. At this point just let her know she can continue with your plans. Follow you. The choice is hers. If she's still undecided, she has to feel the lose of you being out of her life. This is why you go NC. Read up on NC.
Read the horror stories on MRP to see the shit they received in return for making a greater effort. In fact, maybe you should post your story there. Those guys are married and it's more relationship oriented.
You are afraid to do it bec it's too painful for you and your afraid to lose her. You don't trust NC. But unfortunately it's your only option if she doesn't move in. She may act out even if she does move in and turn into a nagging harppie. You have to be prepared to shut that down. . Your options are limited my friend.
Wartortle This Guy Follows Advice 1y ago
I understand. She loves and cares for me. But cos of my lack of effort the romantic love has gone.
Is the MRP on here or on Reddit? I will have a read.
I will try no contact. Work on myself and see where we are.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
It is here but not active
https://www.forums.red/i/marriedredpill
The reddit is alive and active
KendraKillSon 1y ago
It looks like you have already made the decision to go back. It' K.
You have chosen to find out how does it look like when you don't get respect, you are being cheated on, you are being rained of energy by woman that gets more fat every day unless she has sidekick. It's also OK, even if you don't agree.
At this point. Don't impregnate her for 18 months at least. Collect video evidence if she uses any type of violence [install CCTV at home]. Don't go to prison. Don't marry [common law marriage including]. Don't mix finances.
Go on divorces reddit and read. Whole sidebar - read.
You don't need it today, but you'll need it next week.
It is your first aid training before you have to close heavily bleeding wound.
If you can't do minimum for yourself as noted above no one can help you here with anything. This space have no diapers.
You need to get your ass kicked first, you are still not ready to accept the reality of women being women.
It all pieces will fall in places, once you will get your ass kicked, hence apply training before you'll need it.