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Started at 11, I'm 24 down the rabbit hole and I've lost control
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A mentor suggested to join PAA (Porn Addicts Anonymous)
- I have PIED and Porn makes me socially autistic. I was extroverted before but now I just don't feel present and can't enjoy anything(anhedonia) unless I'm on a good streak (30 Days+)
I'm going to go with PAA as I'm desperate & have no other options. I've already tried blocking, pure willpower. What are the variables that I should change/work on? Does anyone have experience with it?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1mo ago Stickied
What is your sex life like/ or what has it been like?
I just want to ask that before i give my two cents on the issue. Your general partner count if you don't mind sharing or ballparking, ever had a reliable plate? A girlfriend?
Do you work out? Do you take a lot of stimulatants (caffeine or otherwise)?
Lebbaeus 1mo ago Stickied
I've tried to have sex twice but couldn't get it up so for me its 0. The shame of not being able to get it up has kept me from continuing but even more so ,porn has made me sort of asexual where I just don't feel attraction anymore and I just don't feel the charge the chase like before. When I'm on a long streak, I start to enjoy women's beauty and feel like I want to talk to them more.
No solid companionship in the last 7 years so I am rusty af.
Right now I'm living with relatives in Europe in a city where I don't know anyone. Basically I study in the morning till 12 and then go the gym (a bit far) and come back at 2:30 eat and then study and at night I help out my relatives with their business.
Workout 4-5 Times a week consistently.
Bodyfat around 25%. Similar to the pic but my chest isnt much defined and less muscle definition https://www.builtlean.com/body-fat-percentage-men-women/ I have good looks and I feel like I've given up on myself. Time for some tough love.
ttsp 3w ago
I couldn't figure out how to reply under imissedherbrightside's message, but easypeasy method was what got me off it for real. It promised to make you not even want to watch porn, and by the end that actually happened. Gotta read the whole book once through. There's an audiobook too, if that's more your style. It's all online too.
If I had to guess about what made the EasyPeasy Method that good for me, who's also done the whole 'NoFap Day 36 - relapse routine. OMG I just want to watch a lil bit', was that it really made me think about it on a deeper level. Stuff like why would you happily put on tight shoes explicitly for the purpose of enjoying relief when you take it off? Porn's not really different in that way.
Or how if you're just going to give up something why does that really need any willpower. You don't have to exercise willpower to not have cocaine if you're not a cocaine addict even if it's besides you, or to try on women's underwear, or drink bleach. Sort of the same principle. Sounds like nonsense when I say it like this but I see that you study everyday, so maybe study this for a while?
Best of luck man, it's a pretty shitty feeling to go through, that you're not in control of your urges, that you just had to mess up again, just when you got your streak back. But maybe with this the answer isn't willpower for you either? How about you read a chapter or two and think about it. Once again, best wishes
aweawea_ 4w ago
Well, if you watch particularly fucked up porn or too much/too often, i can see how it can affect you socially.
But the real problem imo is you knowing that you have PIED and it is hurting your self-esteem in every moment of you being out in public and then you act in the way you don't like.
I think if you didn't have PIED and you were having sex with women, the act of watching others have sex on a screen occasionally wouldn't have as much of an affect on your sociability, don't you think?
Think of this -> say you could watch as much porn as you wanted, jerk off as much as you wanted and then when you did have sex, you still got it up no problems? I think then you wouldn't have the social problems, nor would you even want to stop watching porn or jerking off(just completely hypothethically still mind you) Just if you were honest with yourself, because it wouldn't have any major side effects, right?
But it does.
Knowing how it affects your brain and that EVERY time you do it, it further deepens your sexual response to being alone/watching porn/jerking off, the HARDER it will be to get hard with real sex. KNOWING THAT, you just never do it again. You might go through this vicious painful cycle more times unfortunately until you finally get it through your skull...but in the end i think thats the way out -> fully internalizing that this shit is unnacceptable because of how much you've already done it and you can't let it fuck up your brain wiring further and you need time off to reset the brain.
You will go through painful anhedonia stage and loneliness and the want for some release, intimacy or pleasure and porn/masturbation will be so close and so readily available and you must resist every time...its hard but you must do it, so that you can finally have the sex life that you want.
aweawea_ 4w ago
The reason why i think the social effects are more linked to your PIED and not the direct additonal side effect of the porn use is because the function of our "manhood" is really closely related with out general feeling of wellbeing as a man and thats why ED in general is so linked with low-self esteem/depression and other negative mental states.
If you were confident in your erections, you could act a lot more confident in general and i think that alone would make you be the person you were and want to be again.
If you don't cut out porn and masturbation completely, even if you manage to get it up sometimes, your erection won't be 100% hard and will probably be unstable and lose it because simply sex is actually a lot less stimulating than porn websites and masturbation and then the girl will also not be satisfied because you are not hard enough, she might even feel insecure herself because she thinks she isn't attractive enough for you, etc.
In our 20s, we are supposed to have hard and lasting erections when naked with a woman we like and at the point where you can't get it up due to PIED, your wiring is already too deeply rooted to being alone/probably laying down with your dick in your hand, looking at your phone, or sitting on your PC and you need serious time away from it completely and then when you have sex, you need to let your body get it up autonomously, maybe even should stay away from trying to "help yourself out" and jerk it just to get it hard to be able to have some sex. You need to get to the point where just being intimate is getting you hard, if its not, you need more time cooling off. Thats my take.
imissedherbrightside 1mo ago
Have you read TheEasyPeasy method?
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Read everything G. EP Method, Gary Wilson's Book, every subreddit and forum that talks about it. I even tried mushrooms which help but it ain't the way.
ttsp 3w ago
came here to recommend this, wrote my own comment because I didn't see the reply button. Hmm, but did you contemplate the ideas? I hear that in parts of Europe old men swear by this method for quitting smoking. Alan Carr (the author technically), originally made it for smoking but it's adaptable to everything.
Lone_Ranger 1 1mo ago
First of all... you are not alone. Lots of young men have gone through this, and come out the other side.
Secondly - good that you asked for advice. That is a sign that you are on the right road.
Thirdly - get any thoughts of shame out of your head. Try and not feel shame. Because the shame / isolation / reward / shame cycle is what keeps you there.
Instead of shame, you can feel some anger. You must realise that internet service providers have hacked your natural mental appetites. its like the tobacco industry. You can give up porn, it will take some time, but you can and YOU WILL.
You asked for advice - I would say treat it like AA. And a pivotal part of AA is finding a sponsor, so that you have have accountability to a sponsor. people think that a sponsor works because he will be able to give you advice - wrong. The sponsor thing works by making you accountable to another human.
Have a look at the No-fap space - some of it is on reddit. Read and learn. Listen the voices of other men that have managed to correct.
I believe in you - you sound ready to change. You can do it.
Stay in touch and come back here with updates. We're all on your side.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Nothing these days has cheered me up except your reply man.
Lone_Ranger 1 1mo ago
Appreciate your response man.
I had to give up booze a while ago. I tried everything. I found that the one thing that worked for me was to look another human being in the eye and admit that I had an issue. It all flowed from there.
There may be many false starts. Does not matter. Every start is a good start. Keep trying different approaches until you find one. Most of all, I would say, keep having conversations with people that understand you and want you to succeed. That is why AA is so good - they may be strangers, but everyone in the room wants you to succeed.
Keep having chats with people that want you to succeed. It will work in the end. You may have to be patient. It will take some time. It will take you never giving up on the thing that you want, which is to be free of a compulsion.
You can and will live free.
Stay in touch, keep us all updated. We all want you to win.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Will come back and post of my progress after a minimum of 3-6 Months
Lone_Ranger 1 1mo ago
that's too long ahead. Just keep coming back when ever you feel the need.
One of the brothers on this site will give you a helpful comment.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Roger that chief :)
Lone_Ranger 1 1mo ago
Seriously man, don't wander off, try and grind it out on your own for 3-6 months, and then come back and post. You are setting yourself up for failure, and deep down, you know that. Men are like lions, when they are wounded, they want to withdraw and be alone.
Seek out the company of people that can help you / support you. And talk to them often, every day if you have to.
ObliviousDuck 1mo ago
Every addiction has its challenge.
For instance the major challenge of food addiction is that you just can't stop eating or you'll die. You have to take control of your addiction while doing the addictive activity everyday.
What's really hard about porn addiction is that there is no immediate and easily perceived negative consequence to a reset other than shame. Unfortunately, depending on your mental state, for most people, shame actually fuels your addiction. You have to switch your mental state so that keeping clean is your motivation.
How I personally see it is, not drinking or not fapping is like having a super power over the 99% of others who do. I actually believe that. There is nothing like totally dominating someones rotten brain with your sober intellect, control and drive.
When I reset after a long streak, instead of focusing on the immediate shame, I focused on my life power leaving my body and how it would transform me into a needy social retard for the following week. Now, when I have the urge, I think about what I have and what I will lose if I reset, not my dignity, but my super power.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
For me, it's also about consequences where I don't really feel the weight of em till later. Thinking about what I will lose in the moment won't really sway me in the right direction (Evidence: Past years of stopping :) ). Nonetheless, it is an interesting method to develop further.
MrSupreme 1mo ago
Abstaining from watching erotic content is just a start.I got a bunch of help from semen retention forums on reddit but only at the start of the journey. Semen retention and no-porn go hand in hand,so to speak.You gotta take it one day at a time, one day without porn is progress and those days add up to a week,then two week,you get the picture.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
I felt that while meditating today, only thing I have is now. Future worries or past experiences can't be changed. Only thing I can do today is prepping for my future self
First-light 1mo ago
I am sorry to hear of your trouble and congratulations on being so honest about it.
I am not an expert on this but I think that it might make a small help to try to keep to a rule of all done in 10 mins if you do go on porn. Its easy to spend ages scrolling through videos and if you just say "I will jerk of and be done in 10 minutes, it can shorten the contact time.
I would also consider putting friction between yourself and the vice. Can you put your computer somewhere people can see you as that will make it harder to go on. Doing it with a woman will help and its work making this a main goal.
I hope you manage to kick the problem and it would be interesting to her back on what the experts at porn addicts anonymous suggest.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
For me once I use porn, I get heavy brain fog and feel lethargic for the next 4 days. it's like quicksand, once I'm in, I got no control. I feel like you're a James Clear fan too :)
In 6 months, I think my dick will have had time to recover, I will try again. If I have no partners or anyone, I'll visit an escort. It will be my first and last time visiting an escort as I don't want to make it a habit. I don't know thats just last resort.
First-light 1mo ago
I will have to check James Clear out, sounds interesting thanks. In fact my suggestions came from personal experience. I found if I put the chocolate (my personal vice is 85% chocolate) in the truck, it reduced my consumption by at least 75%! Of course not buying it is even better but occasionally my good lady asks me to go to the shops when I am out and then I find I am tempted to buy. Amusingly the other day I had to take the truck to be serviced (to keep it in warranty). They found 10 bars under the seats along with my gun license and an envelope of cash.
Whores could be a help I think, like you say if after a lay off you still have no woman. Might need more than one visit just to get it all worked out though as you want a good experience. Several decades ago when I tried such things out for a couple of months (only time I tried it, following the end of my first marriage), I found it is certainly an odd experience to start -one has to get used to the idea of doing something so personal with a stranger who you know is not actually interested in you. I only just managed to do it at all first go and you want to enjoy it. A close friend who has since unfortunately become addicted to whores told me his first go was "the least sexual experience of my life" but clearly it got better for him as now he has blown horrifying sums of money on them and blames his vice for the fact he has never got round to having children.
Girl friend has to be the number one solution though. Hope that comes good.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Rereading the comments, i gotta work on my patience, a decade problem of pmo won't vanish in a couple of months. I will be patient with my PIED. 6-7 months should get both my mind and my dick back to semi normal where I can feel attraction and move on with my life.I've half assed this problem enough and I've reread today the easy peasy method and taken notes and I'm aiming to attend 3 meetings per week minimum. I feel like I'm starting to take my problems more seriously. No one is gonna take my hand and help me. Gotta work on myself and stop being a deadbeat. As i work on my confidence, i want to work it up to the point where she gotta pay me to sleep with her.
redhawkes 2 1mo ago
Porn and other simpery shit are the symptom and you're using it as an escapism. Porn doesn't fill that void, it creates it.
You fried your dopamine receptors, hence the anhedonia/depression, so you need more stimulus. Good thing is that you can reverse that shit thanks to the brain plasticity, you just need to cut it out completely right now.
Will power does jack shit for addiction, as you know already. You need to change your whole self image. I've seen someone already mentioned The Easy Peasy Method. Read it again and implement the teachings. You created this shit and only you can fix it. No one is gonna hold your hand bro.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
I will reread EP Method and implement it alongside PAA. That one hit deep "No one is gonna hold your hand bro."
whytehorse2021 1mo ago
Think of it like this: Every time you jerk off to porn, you're programming your brain to associate orgasmic pleasure with a computer screen. To get it to change you have to make it associate with something else. Maybe just close your eyes and imagine a real woman/guy/whatevs ur into. Then jerk off to that. Once you're able to do that, you'll be able to get it up with a real person by just closing your eyes and then in time you won't need to close your eyes.
Lebbaeus 1mo ago
Will try is a a last resort but jerking off leaves me like a zombie.