Forgive me if this sounds too beta-ish or needy or whatever. I'm still learning the ropes.
There's this girl who I've been friends with for years. She is romantically interested in me, but I've disqualified her as an LTR. Regardless, we tried fucking. Ever since, she has been wanting commitment and monogamy. After I slept with her friend, she seems to have completely withdrawn. Only wanting us to meet as friends, etc. Before that happened, she overtly gave me the decision of choosing her, or her friend, so I don't begrudge that.
I only care about fucking her, but I agreed to meet at her house as "friendlies" to watch stuff (her terms). I only agreed because I wanted to clear up some messy drama (irrelevant for the scope of this post) and see what "friendlies" really meant.
I kino'd to gauge her intent, and despite our good chats she was basically cold. I decided this was a dead end. I got bored and she caught on asking me what's up. In not so subtle words I told her I was not looking for "friendlies" and that we couldn't be "friendlies" if not fwb. Shortly after, I left. I tried not to make it personal or anything, but I could tell she was pissed off.
In hindsight I feel that saying we couldn't stay as friends wasn't fair as she willingly gave me the choice between her and her friend, and to be frank, I'm just taking what I can get. The current value she provides me is the prospect of seeing her same friend again, as well as another friend who I know 100% wants to fuck me (but will liaise with this girl). Is it worth sending a message apologising and saying we can still chill as friends?
First-light 2mo ago
Say of course you an be friends, you just can't get wanting her out of your head and it messes things up. Then I recommend avoiding.
Neither of you is offering what the other one wants. Its plain rude to keep trying to sell someone something they don't want and it is going to cost you a lot of energy trying to sell it or its going to bore you to death watching chick flicks and being an emotional tampon.
If she wants to meet after the apology say "best leave it a bit, you know I am so into you, it messes with my head, time will make it better" Then stick to this line. Massive compliment paid, clear space created, door still open to things changing when you get that late night call seeking validation.
mattyanon Admin 2mo ago
Ok, gotta see her point here. You've been friends for years, you have sex, it doesn't work out, and now you say "not looking for friends".
Right....... so yeah, you're gonna have to apologise here, and reiterate that you value her friendship or some such rubbish.
redhawkes 2 2mo ago
Wtf is this faggotry?
She's not entitled to commitment just because she's spread her legs.
Aww, have you matched your nail color with your high heels?
Should have said that before you agreed to go to her place. Polarize.
Don't apologize about your preferences and decisions. Let her be pissed, that way you live rent free in her head. Next time act like nothing happened, but never apologize, especially not for this shit.
Don't be butthurt, use powertalk or show by actions. Simple "gtg soon" would have been enough for her to get it.
You're now making decisions out of scarcity. She'll lose all respect for you if you break Frame now
Sometimes, you use this girls for preselection and access to her social circle. Feed her scraps and keep at arms length.
Delaney 2mo ago
After sitting on it for a few days it no longer eats at me. The pre-selection she gave me was useful, but not enough to make me care enough about the "friendship" whichever way it goes. We will likely meet again within our social group so it should be easy to send the message of "no hard feelings", which was my intent in the first place but I felt I mis-communicated, which is why I made this post.
Yeah I realised I should've said that shortly after I agreed. Hindsight is 20/20 but I don't like going back on my word, so whatever.
I'll stay low.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2mo ago
You don't owe her an apology. Redhawkes already nailed it but what I would add is when I am completely done with women as sexual partners, i do agree to be friends, but what I mean as friends is:
"We can have the label to keep the peace, since I am no longer interested in fucking you anyway, however, i will barely respond to platonic communication here on forth and you are so low on the totem pole as to be the part affixed into the ground away from view"
See, you can be friends in wording but not friends in practice (to which they can't complain about) if you really want to keep the peace after no longer fucking a chick
Also don't negotiate sex in the future. Just say you weren't really interested in a platonic hang out and leave it at that. She knows she can take it or leave it you don't have to affix conditions to your statement
Testme 2mo ago
Apologize for what? She gets mad because you will not be her "friend" so you need to apologize?
Do not be "friends" with girls. Your friends should be other men.
She definitely would sleep with you, but you kind of ruined it by being too beta and "friendly".