Used to be on testosterone, used to work out MMA, boxing, jiu-jitsu, muay thai and lift a little. Used to see a male therapist that I suspect was repeating himself and stretching sessions just to milk money out of me, Diet was on point, used to meditate, used to take my vitamines, fucked with more than 10 antidepressants and nootropics, aware of stoicism and buddhism. Read the entire side bar 7 years ago and was an avid lurker. Had approximately 25 jobs and got fired from around 5 due to not retaining what's being taught to me. Got threatened with being fired at my most recent IRL job. How the fuck do you guys keep going again ?
I go on dates and I get ghosted even if it goes well
I pretty much just block and move on. Matter of fact I don't even bother anymore, I just fuck escorts and choke my salmon at home.
Miraculously found easy online job that paid 1350 a month with barely 1-2 hours of work a day but they're gonna reduce my pay
Went on a date with a girl I met online since she asked me if she wanted to hang out and she just ghosted
Developed a nicotine addiction because I was bored, becoming a fat fuck again and I lost all of my muscles, stopped training, addicted to porn, escorts and e-sex, all of my friends backstabbed me/shunned me in front of people they barely know and were talking behind my back so I had to remove them. Wasn't invited to parties anymore.
Pretty sure my parents are plotting to steal money from me.
Diagnosed with BPD, anxiety and ADHD, obviously depressed,
Always am the one with the worst memory and motor skills in any endeavor I start. Pretty sure I'm dyspraxic.
Agnostic/Atheist, absolutely do not believe in an Abrahamic God so not an option, committed grave sins that eat away at my conscience on the daily and considered fraud (failed miserably and pissed away a lot of money)
Gambling addict
Can't seem to kill the beta inside of me
No motivation, no anger inside of me, occasional anger phase towards bitches and people that make me feel like a disgusting fucking incel and perpetuate the cycle of self-hate
Got called ''emotionally fragile'' and a spoiled ''child-king'' by a psychiatrist. Decided to change that by doing chores and paying rent as per his suggestion. Nothing fucking changed. Still got my ass fired. Still am a leeching fucking faggot apparently ?
Absolute ass at everything I try my hands at
Addicted to a video game I've played for a decade stuck at a dog shit rank, literally paid for coaching, literally consumed an insane amount of educative material on the game, literally review every single one of my game, whereas some people play it for a year and are better than I will ever be
Considering stabbing my carotide artery with my knife but pussy out every time I position it towards my neck
How ?
aweawea_ 2y ago
because its hardwired into you, you have the main program in you that says #1 survive and #2 procreate and you still crave connection and acceptance
so no matter how bad it goes, you will still want what you want and still won't kill yourself but its tough out there and you need to be strong and capable to succeed and so you can either just give up and just exist until you die and cope by living for the occassional instant gratification dopamine/pleasureable behaviours
but you KNOW you will be unfulfilled and miserable apart from those short fleeting moments
or just keep trying to fix shit, ain't much else to it.
Hanamiya 2y ago
I know what you mean. Last year I was going nuts after a break up and coping wasn't doing it anymore. That's when I picked up martial arts again. Until I got fired for the 349349th time and stopped seeing the point in even trying.
I don't think I have any genuine desire to become a warlord that crushes his goals anymore. Any goals I create for myself I don't truly desire.
I don't think there's anything I truly want in life.
Just wish I could not wake up the next day.
I'm thinking I should probably grow a pair and end it once and for all. 45 more years of this agony seems unbearable.
I just wanna get the fuck away from everyone and disappear. Hard reset.
aweawea_ 2y ago
No, you wake up from your slumber, take a good look at yourself and see how fucking weird you are, and start becoming normal (again?), stop doing the shit that's setting you back and become someone worthy of respect and when you go out in the REAL world, you will be tested and thats good because thats where you can quench that inner beta that you call is so hard to get rid of.
And you can forgive yourself that stuff you did thats troubling you.
And of course you desire being a warlord that crushes his goals, you just want to give up and take the easy route. No man, you are not here to do that, you are here to suffer and come out better the other end. I am Agnostic as well but i still feel like whatever the fuck is waiting at the end, i am not gonna just give up and low life and potentially have regrets. No regrets. Success is not guaranteed. Still worth it.
Acela_nextel 2y ago
At least you still get to fuck hookers
Hanamiya 2y ago
This shit is destroying my soul and making me realize I have to rely on money to get action
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
Adding to the other comment: injecting testosterone may have messed your endocrine system up. Obviously, you’re older and fatter than you were before, so your natural testosterone levels will be lower than before, but are they in the normal range? You may need to start shooting up again, just keep it in the normal range.
I’m not the smartest person in the world, and I wish I could formulate a better response for you and not rely on a dead man, but try reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius - that book is very helpful.
If you’re going to kill yourself, there are better, cleaner ways to do it than stabbing yourself. You could also get life insurance and a dangerous job, and if you eventually die there, at least your loved ones (if there are any) will get a lot of money.
But if you turn it around, you’ll be worth to society infinitely more than you ever would dead.
Hanamiya 2y ago
I did 3 months of TRT without even knowing if I truly needed it. Still wanted to kms when I was on testosterone and doing everything by the book, go figure.
I understand the appeal of stoicism and its practical uses and have found some value from it and it definitely helped me better my life, but every time it's just the same shit, I wonder why do I keep pushing myself and why do I keep on living if every single day of my life has always felt like a chore.
Jumping from heights has been an idea I've considered as well, but tough to find a spot. Tried accessing rooftops but they don't let you in if you're not a resident.
I unironically would probably get sent home from said dangerous job, and fail to see the point of working. Money doesn't motivate me that much. I thought a lot about what I would do with money, and came to the conclusion that the only difference would be that I'd fuck more escorts, or piss away more money in casinos and whatnot.
Being worth something to a society I despise doesn't really drives me.
Wish I could answer everything that was said on here without sounding like a smartass, but it's impossible. I'm very transparent with my beliefs and it seems they don't align with the general status quo or most methods of thinking.
I guess I'm a red pilled beta.
Nothing really motivates me.
If I'm hanging out with someone, I have to really push myself to get out of my comfort zone or get a lift.
There isn't any activity out here that manage to make myself forget about my problems.
Sparring and busting a nut are the only thing that work, but that's only a couple minutes in a day. On my free time or when working, my mind just decides to obsess with stupid shit.
I kind of taught myself how to be aware of my thoughts while detaching myself from them, but that just takes all the bullshit emotions and do nothing with them.
I could do everything right by the book and still feel like swallowing a bullet, if that makes sense.
aweawea_ 2y ago
Ok, from what i get you do have a job right now, so thats good.
the addictions and mental "disorder" stuff i believe you can sort yourself if you actually wanted to and after that self improvement and grind can follow but the main issue as a whole is that you just don't want to fix anything anymore and don't desire anything and then you are asking us how we keep going but we have the drive and desire for that stuff so you can clearly see the difference?
So, like, only thing i can say is, see if you can look again and again at why you feel that way and see if you can maybe change how you feel about that?
Don't you think there is a possibility that you have come to your way of thinking because of some fundamental wrong conclusion sometime way back (i believe thats true) and if you can indentify that mistake, you can maybe rediscover yourself and in the proccess see the light again and get newfound motivation to get back into all of it? You just have to be honest and willing to do that and admit your mistakes.
There's gotta be a winning angle, at least a possibility of changing yourself and becoming fulfilled, but you know you have to try harder, right? Just do it. What's to lose? That you won't get to cope anymore? Its your reptilian brain talking man.
Hanamiya 2y ago
I think I have come to this way of thinking back in high school. Kept trying with girls and things didn't go my way. Burned out. Stopped training boxing, stop trying at school. Objectively speaking I would say the disney brainwashing and a lack of a strong, caring father figure fucked my perception of self-worth. I (wrongly) brainwashed myself into thinking that if I wasn't loved (i.e sex or romantic attention) then I wasn't worth anything as a human being and this is probably something that is gonna take a lot of hard work to unwire.
''you can maybe rediscover yourself and in the proccess see the light again and get newfound motivation to get back into all of it? You just have to be honest and willing to do that and admit your mistakes.''
I've been trying to do that, but it's hard to find the energy to do so. I tried to discipline myself and to work hard despite the constant lethargy and anxiety and feelings of emptiness etc. but I guess the longest I can go in an adulthood bearing with these feelings is 3 months before completely burning out again and resorting to eating junk food, leaving the gym and fucking hookers.
''There's gotta be a winning angle, at least a possibility of changing yourself and becoming fulfilled, but you know you have to try harder, right? Just do it. What's to lose? That you won't get to cope anymore? Its your reptilian brain talking man.''
This is very familiar to the mindset I had that led me to try again. Didn't see the point in wallowing in self-pity anymore and was genuinely going nuts so I took steps to make movement in my life and keep myself occupied, which did help for a bit until I got better mentally, complacent and stopped giving a shit about grinding the 9 to 5.
Was chilling in my own corner for a solid year. No friends, no bitches, but a peaceful life. Enjoying the company of my family.
Then I went on this date and had another episode.
It's just how this cycle goes for me. Which there was a more stable cycle, but ideologically speaking I really hate the 9 to 5 culture. I tried it, really wasn't for me. Even if I do want it, I end up getting fired due to my memory loss. I could only see myself doing something I'm passionate about. I don't think humans were made to sit in cubicles or to do boring ass factory work for 8 hours everyday.
aweawea_ 2y ago
You went on a date and didn't get what you want and collapsed again? So the girl was right, her gut instict told her something is off and so she dipped and you go back to eating junk food and all the other shit. Its not even RP knowledge, its basic knowledge women look for a strong man and thats the complete opposite.
And in any case in your current state you should be happy for the opportunities you get and should take it as learning experiences and stepping stones. Analyze them and see what you can do better next time but you must quench COMPLETELY any effect ANY woman in all of existance being able to affect or disrupt your frame ever.
If you think about it, a woman who is so much weaker than you (they are all insecure and passive and submissive) being able to severely affect what you do, feel or even display by rejecting you or w/e is pathetic but you should take that as - ok theres more conditioning to undo. Not in any negative way! Stop self attacking!
I work an 8 hour shift factory myself and sure hope its temporary and i don't do this for the rest of my life but its what i got for now and i am not quitting this job until i get a better alternative. The "i only see myself doing something i'm passionate about" is modern bs.
Theres just nothing else, like just actually slow down for a bit and look around, there is only 2 options - continue mindlessly coping or just go back and try again and you better do all of the shit you know can help, gym, diet, socialising/networking, learning, stopping bad habbits/addictions etc, etc, taking all the action you know you can etc, etc and just get back on it, no other option man. Just don't do it monk mode and go out and live. Start becoming normal.
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
I'd hate to be the guy that has to scrape you off the pavement - don't become a burden for someone else; if you do it, grab some pills and drive out to rural forests, where wildlife will take care of you. But I'd rather you don't do it at all.
If sparring takes your mind off it, then spar more; maybe get a membership in multiple gyms and just spar every day. Will training for a competition help?
Diabs 2y ago
Defeatist attitude, identify with every mental illnesses, rely on pharmaceutical pills to feel good instead of action and closed off to the idea of any power greater than yourself.
I wonder what could be wrong sounds like just bad luck.
Hanamiya 2y ago
I think it's true that identifying with etiquettes is counter-productive and perpetuates a mindset of blaming other shit rather than yourself, but I genuinely am trying my best at work and suffer greatly from the memory problems despite taking notes. Tried to think my way out of this one but couldn't. Very criticism though.
I agree with the pills. That shit is garbage and made the problems worse.
Not against the idea of a God, but I doubt reading the bible or anything would convince me that religion isn't a man-made instrument for power.