Hello gents,
32 M here.
Strange one here boys... was seeing this girl since around late '21. A real beaut, body 8, sex A1 grade. Just saw her a few times a month, a plate. She was part of the rotation so I kept it light. Always waited for her to initiate contact, Never implied exclusivity, she was definitely my favourite though. We had many dates over the time and I started to like this chick a lot, same political views and humour, enamoured by me, just a down-to-earth girl. I'm wondering when 'the talk' is gonna come, never does, not sure what I'd have done if it did, I'm not really one for monogamy right now anyway so I just keep it rolling and try and keep her sexually exclusive to me and just enjoyed our time together. Anyway she's a hobby dancer (I know), about six months ago she says she's going to a summer dance festival. I don't like the sound of it but again, I'm not exclusive so I just roll with it. She comes back after that and we continue to have great dates once a month or so. The thought of her with someone else has always played on my mind though...
About 2 months ago I decided to check her instagram which we never exchanged, which up until this point has always been private (good sign I thought), but now its not. I see a series of pretty pro content spanning the last 6 months of her and this other guy dancing. The earliest is of her and him on this festival in the sunset, swim suits on, highly sensual dancing. Some guy has obviously got to know her and recruited her for his dance classes and content. Seeing this chick so intimate with the dude drilled me. Saw her a few times after that, kept it cool, tried to glean any implication, she seemed to talk openly about him and these classes she's teaching so I thought maybe its just for the camera [lol]... but I mean what could I do she's not my girlfriend.
The other night I'm at hers after a date we went on for her birthday (27) In bed and the thought of her with this dude driving me insane so I had to get my answers and bring it up. "Am I sharing you, Because I'm not one to share". Theres a look of revelation on her face. "I want you" she exclaims. I persist. She tells me that theres just been one guy a few times. It was this dance parter. Cant lie I felt gutted in that moment but she genuinely thought I wouldn't care, that it was purely sex for me. I tell her that I'd become very fond of her over our time. It comes out that she's always been in love with me, she was just too scared for me to walk away if she ever tried to enquire. She thought I had a girlfriend or something by the way I acted. She says that she wishes she knew, she'd have dropped everything for me. She was talking to her friends and family about me all that time, wondering how I felt about her etc. She becomes inconsolable, wants to start again because what we have is too good to lose. All I know is that the image of this guy dicking her down I've had the last 4 months has come to be a reality, and I just couldn't reconcile that. Anyway some melancholic hours go by I basically leave her place knowing that I'd have to basically forget her. Shes pleading with me to come back to her if I ever changed her mind. I told her I had come to love her but had to walk away.
So yeah I had to get that off my chest boys. Weird one, my never implying exclusivity lead her to moving on behind the scenes. I don't know what I'd have done if it came to the talk, but I know I've never felt about a chick like I did this one. And honestly the whole thing has folded me like a deckchair, I'm fucked. I think Id have preferred walking away, never knowing who she'd move on to, rather than having shared her the last half year. Deep down I know I'm not at the point where monogamy would be wise, no matter how much I like the chick on account of a lot of unrealised potential on my part, but if I ever did, shed have been a real good fit.
What would you do boys? Just looking for a sound board here.
GoldToEverything 2y ago
Sounds like my situation bro.
What’s your move?
proximo 2y ago
Describe yours?
I mean what can I do? It's been 20 days since that bomb dropped on my head. I've been sat here with a lump in my throat and a bad case of oneitis for a girl who was naturally red pilled, feminine, caring, soft, and hot as fuck while she's gallivanting dancing around europe for new years probably sucking another dude off as we speak. Fact is I missed the opportunity to increase her loyalty to me, which she would have loved, but I didn't. So she had hot monkey sex with someone with better provable SMV than me. Simple as that. So what can I do? Go grovelling back to her after that? No I can't do that, could you? I initially attracted her in a place of abundance, but fell to scarcity over the last year because of my personal situation. I let my foot off the gas this year, dropped my guard, took my eye off the ball and sat in anxiety wondering if I still had her, but the fact is she was never once mine, nor did she ever feel like it. My ego became intertwined with her. I was in her frame. As a man I've got a whole lot of growth to be doing before I can attract another girl like that, if she even exists. But damn this oneitis is killing me. Like everyone here has said, I think I gotta just suck it up, learn my lesson and close that door. A thousand what-ifs are buzzing around my head like a swarm of wasps. And I still wake up in the wee hours of the morning to the visions of my guy dropping it in her raw as she bites his shoulder. Which he still does. F.
GoldToEverything 2y ago
Have a read of my latest post if you’re interested in but I’ll give you the quick summary bro. Similar situation but not quite as deep as yours (I’ve also had a week or 2 to process it emotionally).
I met this MILF gym chick in the Latin dancing scene 3 years ago when I was 21. She was 49. Similarly to you, we hit it off, I never imply exclusivity from my end (but she self declared her exclusivity to me, which I came to appreciate and value). We fuck over 1,000 times over the last 3 years (all tracked in my sex tracker app). Extremely submissive, fake boobs, plastic surgery done real well, sexy tattoos, etc. so very attractive and fuckable for her age. She was very invested in me, to the extent that she got my name (in another language) tatted on her body. We keep up the monkey sex for 3 years and I effectively alpha widow her. But overtime, cracks started showing. I could never give her the commitment she wanted, nor the label she wanted, there was only so long she could put up being a late night booty call or “hidden” from my family and friends. As much as I tried to address those things. It came to the point that I would just mute my phone when I’d get those calls or messages because I truly just couldn’t be fucked.
Truth is, she was and is sexy as hell, but she’s 51 years old, twice divorced, with 4 kids (2 which are older than me, who she doesn't talk to). There’s no way in hell that I’m ever going to have a future or LTR with her.
In this sense, it was easier for me the last week or two to come to terms with it when she told me that she fucked another guy for the first time in 3 years. My analysis was that I didn’t do anything wrong/make any missteps. It was inevitable because I could never give her any more than she wanted. I also thought to apologize to her for not being able to give her what she wanted. I laid it all out for her one night a few nights ago, and she cried massive crocodile tears. Lol. Says we are a tragedy. (The way I see it now, after a week or two to process it, is that I really could never have her for more than just sex and companionship).
I’m also from a traditional background so there is no way in hell I could ever introduce this woman to my parents (they are literally almost the same age also).
What I have done however, is made peace with the fact that with her, I can only continue to dick her down. For sex. That’s it. So, I just have nasty fucking sex with her. And that’s what I’ve done this week. This has increased in quantity, intensity and nastiness. I reminded myself that her fucking another guy was inevitable and the last few days it doesn’t affect me as much. So in my head, I’m pretty much over it. Also, I’m intentionally seeing new, younger and hotter girls (closer to my age) so that helps a bit.
The only thing I can advise you is go and fuck a younger hotter girl. I was quite disappointed the first few days after finding out but made peace within a few days. That’s it man.
MidgetSpinner 2y ago
You need to reconcile with the fact that she got dicked down by some greasy dancer. Just accept it. She was not yours.
I'm gonna go against the grain here and just say: take this time to reconcile, you may not hear from her again, but now you both know where you stand with this revelation... Maybe there's a chance she does come through, and chases you for exclusivity. But it has to be on your terms and you absolutely need to deal with the fact that she was also acting on her free agency. If it's a deal breaker for you though, then all I can say is sorry dude. Suck it up and learn from this.
proximo 2y ago
Yeah I appreciate your sensible insight. Maybe she'll message after some time, maybe I'll reply maybe not. I just feel if I was gonna start a relationship with her, I'd have preferred her unsullied. I do feel its tainted now. The way I left it definitely had some finality to it. It was fraught with emotion and I just said I couldn't stand the thought of her with someone else, that I'd loved the time we'd spent, kissed her goodbye and walked. would step into her frame if I went back, and morally I would have to go back to her for the long haul (settle down) on account of her increasing age anxiety turning 27, not sure I want that for myself right now. The fact is she's been sexually intimate with some ugly dancer for months, if I had a time machine, I would have tried to affect this eventuality, but I can't and thats life, and that loss of sexual exclusivity would be hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
It's the man's job to get sex, it's the woman's job to seek commitment and after two years she didn't. If she really wanted you fail on her part but that's what a plate is, a fuck toy that hasn't earned your commitment yet. I guess in this case you seemed to have wanted it and this sounds like more of a non exclusive FWB than a plate tbh
As a dude who is arguably the best at the venues i hobby dance at I can tell you this was a huge factor. Women getting dipped and shit is cloud 9 intoxicating for them, especially by a guy that is REALLY good at it.
I have women tripping over themselves and losing their shit from it when they can't keep my attention there. Point is good partner dance leads are like crack cocaine to women. Don't take it personally he probably didn't wow her as much as a man than what he makes her feel. I have to work really hard to give women the same tingles off the dance floor that I have to do on it.
There's a good chance he wasn't as great as you are feeling sick over when he's off the dance floor. Leads that aren't consciously aware of that don't do as well off the dance floor. I mean i don't know for sure but don't take it as personally, she was probably more captivated by the moves than him
proximo 2y ago
I hear that. To be honest I never really liked the fact that she was a dancer. Highly promiscuous scene. She didn't seem one to sleep with anybody, but I actually know that she'd been in relationships with every partner she's had. Thats how I knew this one wasn't gonna be different. We were close, and I grew much closer to her than I would have really liked. I just need to know that I made the right choices.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
This is why I have a strict no LTR rule from girls i meet there and will retire from the scene eventually. They're all hoes even if they are very selective hoes that try their hardest to not fuck but they do anyway. It's impossible for them to not fuck with that many tingles for dudes with preselection, good SMV, jealousy of other women, and tingles, and alcohol
See the above point
She was just a plate/FWB but i mean 2 years is a really long time. She didn't seem commitment. You don't have to want to share as a man but a plate is a plate. No talks were had. She was on plate agreement
If you don't like that that's fair but those are the laws of platehood. She should have gone for LTR if she wanted you. You can set your own boundaries but that's just how it works. She failed if she wanted more
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Yeah, sometimes you meet a great girl.
And then you get feelings.
It happens, it sucks, but life is hard sometimes. Suck it up buttercup.
proximo 2y ago
Fair enough
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
Been there, done that.
Other than the obvious TLDR to suck it up and move on, there's a few things to note here in order to mitigate these feelings in the future.
First, you're using the plate term in a bad way and i think it's causing you grief. This woman was not your plate. You didnt see her too much, but she was definitely more to you; you went on dates, had long chats and celebrated a birthday, even before the oneitis crept in (yes this is that).
I think you were stuck in red pill 101 compartmentalization mode for too long and never stopped to consider whether you were doing things right.
You were using indifference game from A-Z, even once you were aching to be more in control, which requires your active engagement. You see, the investment on your part was already in effect, you just chose to ignore it and hoped for the best.
Regularly evaluating your level of investment is key to knowing when you need to start implementing control.
Control doesnt have to include exclusivity on your end. But if you want these kinds of long term FWBs/oLTRs to stick, you need to impose boundaries and communicate (from a RP standpoint).
Something as simple as making it clear you dont see women who hook up with other men, can set you up to avoid what you describe. Approaching these topics without getting into The Talk can be hard and requires good frame control.
But the point is that you use control game as a tool to:
proximo 2y ago
What you've said makes perfect sense. That's exactly what happened. I never applied active engagement much. I did invest a lot in her.
I'm struggling to cope with these realisations, she really was a good one, I'd have liked to have operated differently now I understand. How did you move on from your situation? I really wasn't planning on feeling grief about a chick again but here I am.
Cynicalvx 2y ago
I write this with the intention of being non provocative
You’re invested and somethings gone wrong
You’re trying to solve it to prevent it happening again, it’s fearful I get it
Your brain is gonna fry itself
My advice to you is to stick to the path and control over yourself and yes that includes your mind
You’ve handled this better than most but worse than a minority
All you can really control now is how you respond,
Piece of paper
Figure out what the guy commenting above related to you with regarding investment
What can you really control right now?
When you’ve done this just revisit it in a week, don’t stay pondering and have a hamster spinning. Come back later after your 7 days of wisdom and know there’s a place for it so you don’t need to be fagging around at work or on the way to the gym thinking about it.
Use people here but recognise this is your problem to fix.
I’ve been red pill aware for years but I had a plate that actually turned to an exclusive FWB and I know how you feel.
It fucked me up for ages because I couldn’t solve the problem because I’d deemed I’d done everything right
Don’t be like me, learn from me
proximo 2y ago
Thanks for your input.
I guess the thing that's causing me the most grief is that I actually could have taken steps to make a great situation with this girl. It's a deep regret that I just stayed locked in a framework and hoped for the best. I think the damage is done now, I lost her sexual exclusivity. She'd like to move on together of course but now theres declarations of love, and a change in frame. I'd like to think I could keep fucking her but I don't know how I'd feel knowing that she's not sexually exclusive to me.
Could you clarify what your situation was that fucked you up?
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
This is a fact in most aspects of life. Women, finance, healthy living, lifting, etc.
We cant linger on what-ifs but we can learn from them, improve and usually "fail" differently the next time. It's a process that you're better off learning to enjoy and savour every good moment of. Reading stoicism helped me live more along these lines.
Philosophy nerds and critics may shit on Seneca, because he was a stoic and yet lived a rich and frivolous lifestyle, but he made a great point, in that you can live lavishly (i.e. however you like); but you should also be content once/if that situation comes to an abrupt end.
Cynicalvx 2y ago
I failed lockdown that is the answer. At the last hurdle I mentally just thought fuck this, future me will fix it.
When you do this btw your giving in to short term desires for the long term
It forced an exclusive FWB due to social bubbles.
I could write paragraphs about it but I solved it when I realised the problem wasn’t just the FWB shit, I stopped during the lockdown.
I was so stressed having such high standards of myself and not being able to do what I wanted to do so I just found distractions. Started reading crap, watered down goals. I tried to be a normal person it felt chilled and it heavily fucking backfired on me
My point being is that when the plane and I mean you is going forward, there is competition anxiety, dominance, strong wants and purpose.
When it’s not and one leaves/breaks the hamster rattles around in your head, it’s easier to solve and move on if it’s all about you and this is my point about write about it, solve it, move on because it’ll eat at you.
You can look back at previous situations and say did I respond correctly? Or you can look back and say if my energy was different it nothing would be contemplated.
We know we can look good, use a couple of lines, be emotionally unreactive and give girls lol’s
Only text for logistics amplify their imagination etc etc and they’ll all be in their lol’s
But when you come off your purpose etc your energy is flawed and your softer
You’re more likely to get attached and negotiate frame etc incorrectly when you’ve got nothing else to attach yourself to
I know it’s different ever so slightly but I sat and pondered on the investment thing for ages and my consensus was I just wouldn’t of negotiated like that if I had my mates around, meaningful purposes I.e money, gym etc
Because regardless whether you sit in your head and say I responded correctly
Energy will say otherwise
I am unable to game a girl correctly if I have oneitis for her, give me lots of other shit in life to focus on? It becomes a fun game
Dxmx99 2y ago
You didn't mention what else you had going on. Just the one "plate".
Plates are free to roam. You're free to fuck other girls. Judging by your jealousy and focus on this one girl, you don't have other plates spinning. You can spin one plate but it's not ideal.
Also, you never initiate contact? I don't get that. You can set up playdates.
proximo 2y ago
I had a series of plates. This one I just became attached to.
I know, maybe I did once or twice. I guess I didn't book dates because I feared the attachment I was feeling toward her. But I rarely ever said no to a date.
[deleted] 2y ago
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