I was driving home, after seeing my friend. At the end we spoke about my ex. I got slightly high (I quit smoking weed months ago but I lit it for him and the tiniest bit got me high lol). I mentioned how I went through a phase of loving Star Wars (I’m not a nerd it was random), and how she bought me a baby Yoda mug.

I bought some fried chicken and in the shop serving me was a sweet HB4.5 white girl, all smiles etc. I thought about how she ain’t shit compared to my ex, how I’d used to look at my ex and think “wow she’s actually really pretty”, how she used to walk and flick her hair back, her big brown eyes etc.

I know this sounds a bit gay. But for some reason, maybe the weed, I got really upset. When I got taken hostage and wrote to her she called me up in tears asking how I was and saw me.

After dropping him home I can’t lie I shed a tear or two. Stopped quickly. The point is, having love like this and losing it was the most painful thing to ever happen to me.

1) am I just being a little pussy, and men don’t need love… and I’m pedastalising it. I didn’t view it as a big deal at all when we were together. AWALT, and love isn’t worth it for men.

2) it is what it is and I’ve lost something good, but that happens to us all - people lose their mothers etc. It was a beautiful thing, but shit happens, suck it up buttercup.

3) it’s something replaceable that I can get back one day with the right woman, common, plentiful.

4) it was never real, simply chemical neurons and social conditioning and my need for acceptance, and it all never really means fuck all anyways. I shouldn’t want or desire it and I don’t need it.

I’m just pondering whether I’d ever be able to truly love a girl again after all this, swallowing the red pill etc. And whether that’s a good thing or not.

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I also realised that I’m being an average Joe. I don’t want that. I want to be exceptional. I want to walk past people and for them to look at me. I want to have presence and power. I need to dress the part, look the part, be the part. And finally feel the part.

I’ve gotta work so fucking hard to become the man I want to become. I have to do it and there’s no option. I can’t live the rest of my life being average.