Is it possible to come across as manly and attract girls if you have a severe stutter? Does that automatically make me seem nervous, weak, or insecure? Is it even possible to counteract a defect this bad? I don't want to be with a girl that feels sorry for me.
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AbusiveFather1 2y ago
Mike Tyson has a lisp and I’d say he’s as manly as you can get.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Yeah, my stutter is a lot more significant than a lisp. It's not just a cute quirk. My stutter is not just the repetitions that people tend to think of as normal stuttering. Most of what I have are massive silent blocks. Speaking is a huge struggle and I tend to grimace (outside my control), which is also unattractive.
forsorn21 2y ago
He was also rich and famous.
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
and deservedly so; he came from the gutter, but through hard work and dedication achieved success, despite his condition (lisp) and environment (ghetto)
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
It's hard to imagine I come across as anything but pitiful. It's impossible for me to speak without stuttering and I tense up and make weird faces when I stutter. I've been in and out of speech therapy for years, currently going on a year with the current one, but no luck. I work really hard at everything else, but it seems like nothing can make up for my stutter People aren't patient enough with my speech to get to know my other qualities, and I feel like girls don't care about any other good qualities/skills I might have anyway. I'm normal looking, clean cut, hard working, physically fit, pretty self disciplined, over six feet tall, and have a lot of interests. But girls just want someone who can make conversation and not embarrass them in public. No girl has ever been interested in me.
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
Don't be a bitch, homie. There are people better than you at literally anything, and a whole lot of them don't have a stutter like yours, but - and I don't give a fuck how cliche this sounds - imagine the amount of people that are, right now, laying there dying in the ICU. Young people, too. From a disease, accident, what have you. Imagine the amount of people born with down syndrome, whose hard-working parents had big plans for their kid. Imagine the amount of people out there in the streets, in the cold - not knowing where they'll sleep today or what they'll eat. And you are not one of these people, not today.
Hypothetically, what if the Man in the sky was going to make you be born with a heart condition that kills you at age 12, along with the fucking stutter, but went: "You know what? I'm gonna give him a chance".
You have the opportunity to be Great. You have the opportunity to be so special, that you make some girl fall in love with your stutter and the stupid faces that you make. You are, however, not special - not right now. You are nobody right now. But you can be that special somebody - and it's up to you.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Okay, so how? I appreciate that I have a few desirable qualities, some that I worked for and some that I did not, but like I said, I try to make up for my stutter in all the ways I know how but it's clearly not working. And like you said, plenty of other people have those qualities, and better, and don't have my stupid speech impediment. So what else do I need to be doing to be "special"?
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
Put in work. The current amount is clearly not enough. Understand that you will have to work harder than all of your peers that don’t have the same condition and are “normal”. Become the best at something, get recognition for it, get money from it, and then there is no chance that someone won’t jump your bones - hopefully a female human
pfeilmacher 2y ago
There are treatments for stuttering. Don't stop until you find the treatment that works for you.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
I've tried a lot of different speech therapists, with different approaches, all very expensive. I've been at my current one well over a year. It's made only a very little difference and only under certain circumstances. I've made marginal progress at certain secondary characteristics of stuttering.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
If there is a will there is a way. Keep looking for it and have faith in yourself
pfeilmacher 2y ago
Honestly, I would make this my #1 priority if I were you. If your current therapist isn't producing results, get a different one. Getting over a speech impediment will be life altering.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
I like you already buddy.
You've probably found that therapy doesn't work. That is the fault of the therapy business, not your fault. I would sign up to singing classes and also drama classes. And enjoy yourself. It's very powerful to go to a drama workshop and introduce yourself and say 'I'm stan, I've got a stutter and I don't give a fuck what you think'.
Drama workshops can be foundational experiences. People drop the mask for one hour, they get a different view of life. Honestly, try it. It can be life changing.
Step 1 - you must learn to not care what other people think. Esp women. You must learn to not care about what women want.
Before I game a woman (when I was younger) I would have a little talk to myself - i would say "I know I'm not what she wants. She wants a guy that's hotter, richer, with a huge cock, a famous guy, with a porchse etc. Well - tough luck. You're not getting it - you're getting me"
When I hear women stating their insane demands, I just think 'tough luck baby'.
Men are realists. I know that I'm not going to be banging Florence Pugh. It doesn't bother me. Every man has to learn that. And women don't seem to learn that. they all seem to think they deserve Chris Pine.
Having a stutter will not harm your chances in life. Go forth, enjoy.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Thanks, this is helpful. I know I need to just put myself out there over and over, willingly put myself in speaking situations, regardless of the reactions I get. People call this exposure therapy and apparently it can help.
I've been in a couple plays when I was a little younger and actually don't stutter as much when I'm putting on a different persona. Stuttering is weird that way.
Yes, I wouldn't want to be with a spoiled, self absorbed woman anyway - if they want something else then they are welcome to try elsewhere. I just don't want to be with someone who might feel sorry for me or think she's doing a good deed.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
That's it buddy. Think about that play, use it as a resource. Also, maybe try to take the pressure of you. One of my best friends had a stutter, and we all liked him. I think it gradually wore off when he stopped caring about it. Maybe that is the secret ....to not care too much about it? Maybe focusing too much on 'curing' it will draw your attention to it.
What if you stopped caring about it? Maybe try that for a week, see how it sits with you? 100% with women - you don't need to give a fuck what they think. the more you care, the less they want you be inseminated by you. So start there - make sure you don't care what women think about your stutter.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
This is the best advice. Really need to work on this. I've been trying to get out and speak more in general to immunize myself against the reactions I get (people treating me like I'm retarded).
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Stuttering actually runs in my family, though my grandfather is the only one with a very severe stutter like mine. He just assumed he wasn't going to get married, stopped caring, and decided to focus on other things. He got his PhD and became a pretty important scientist in his field, and acquired a lot of property in the meantime.
He met my grandmother when he was almost thirty. He had never been in a relationship, never even kissed a girl. When he first tried to speak to her she apparently gasped and asked what on earth was the matter. He just turned around and walked away without a backward glance. Turns out she wasn't trying to be rude, she just thought he was having a stroke or a seizure. She was the most attractive girl in her circles, very sought after. But she was really intrigued by him because he just didn't care and didn't go after her. Anyway, they got married and she (daughter of a state senator) became a farmwife, homemaker, and had eleven children.
So his story is inspiring to me, but I absolutely think I care too much. I can't see myself as totally happy without a wife and a dozen kids, (which I know is a problem, but at least it motivates me to work harder). Plus I think girls these days are way more spoiled and picky than they used to be. They're also extremely obsessed with their image and don't want to be with a guy who will embarrass them in public.
I've been humiliated so much in my life that I tend to avoid situations in which I know I'll be embarrassed, but clearly part of conquering the problem is just to face it and do the things I want to do anyway. Not sure whether the trick is not caring so much about getting married, not caring so much about being laughed at, or both? Regardless, I don't think it's a good idea to continually go after girls in the hopes that someone will eventually be interested because that looks desperate and I don't want a reputation for being turned down. I know that sounds very defeatist, but I think it's just realistic. But anyway, which is it? Stop caring + keep trying/stop trying?
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
Thanks for sharing. That's very interesting story.
I feel the answer is to stop caring BUT keep trying. When you finally live your life for you, that's when you set yourself free from the prison of other peoples opinions. Even not caring what other people think is a bit more complex than it sounds. People who are totally blind to the opinions of others end up all spergy and autistic. The trick seems to be to find the Goldilocks zone, that bit in the middle: where you care about other people, you listen to them, but you don't care about their opinions of you. You are independent of their censure. That's where true freedom and happiness comes from.
There are still good women out there. I would say that the more they live their lives on SM, the worse their behaviour will be. So, try and find a girl IRL, not on SM or OLD.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
So, well mannered but not insecure. I'm not insecure about anything else but it is hard to be treated like I'm stupid every time I open my mouth, so I tend to avoid it. I can see that by hiding I act as if I'm ashamed of myself and that attitude probably affects other people's responses to me. Thank you for a serious and thoughtful answer to a serious question.
It would definitely be easier to find a girl online where girls could get to know me apart from my speech impediment, but yeah, I'm not into that.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
If I were you, i would avoid OLD at all costs. And tbh, if I were in your case, I would avoid it even more.
My wish for you is that one day you will be married with kids, and look back and think "I'm GLAD I had a stutter, because it filtered out a lot of selfish, inconsiderate, stupid, shallow, vapid and just badly raised women from my selection process. The first thing I did when I met my wife was stutter, and she hardly noticed. She noticed the other things about me."
I once fell in love with a woman that had really pronounced scarring all over her face (car crash). It didn't work out (too young) but I think she is blessed with her scars. If she didn't have them, she'd be very very very beautiful, and she'd probably be an absolute bitch married to a total asshole. Her scars filtered out a lot of shallow people from the running.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Thanks, I sure hope so. I know my stutter has built my character in a lot of ways, much as I hate it.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
maybe part of the solution is learning NOT to hate your stutter. Could that be part of your future self?
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Maybe someday. Maybe if I can get to the point where it's not holding me back from everything I want to accomplish in life.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Any kind of communication barrier is going to make it hard. Look up uncanny valley effect. You will elicit revulsion and trigger the fight/flight response in most people. Not me though :). In college I was the only guy who could sit and talk to this S. African guy with a really bad stutter. He actually improved a lot just by talking a lot.
BTW we have a discord server where we can video chat and what not.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Yes, I'm familiar with that, and yes, that's the response I get from most people, unfortunately. They are weirded out and want to get away.
It's true that avoiding speech makes my stutter worse and the more I talk to people the more my speech improves. I do need to just put myself out there and deal with the awkwardness.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Just talk a lot. There is a technique I learned in public speaking class where they have someone count your uhs and ahs. Once you become conscious of it you systematically reduce it over time. I think the problem with stuttering is actually your thoughts run faster than your speech center in the brain. So it's more a matter of talking faster and reprogramming your brain to sync speech and thought. Hope that helps.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Yeah, I do need to make myself talk more. Generally my instinct is to speak as little as possible, but that ultimately makes my speech worse.
RiverChill41 2y ago
I don't know shit about stutters, but could you learn sign language? That seems like a plausible solution in order to achieve good conversation. Instant access to a ton of women who speak it.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
I've occasionally thought about that. It would probably have a negative effect on my speech, but it would be a relief to be able to talk without being judged. Writing stuff down is a little easier though lol.
Also, I'm not looking to just sleep around. I want a relationship with someone who could potentially be a good wife.
RiverChill41 2y ago
Sign language is active communication versus writing things down which is slow and not so sexy. If it did have a negative effect on your speech, it would still be a net positive on your communication skills. You're gonna need access to a lot of women to find a wife, whether you sleep around or not. Most women are going to want to have sex after a few weeks of dating. Good luck sir!
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Y..y...y...yes
I..I...I think so
Right....S.....s.....so you gotta have enough other things going for you that it doesn't matter.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
Downvoted you matty on this one. I think your comment is beneath you. I've upvoted loads of your other comments, because they're usually full of insight. But on this occasion, I think you have misjudged it quite badly.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Making fun of my speech impediment just makes you look immature.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
If you can't take some gentle ribbing from me, how are you going to take a shit test from a girl ?
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
I take teasing from my friends and family, especially when it's actually funny. There are good stuttering jokes; imitation is just low fruit.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
I'm sensing a bit of an attitude here.
Girls will sniff it out even faster than I did.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Maybe. You have no idea how much I get this, and I get tired of it. I do like to be taken seriously, like anyone else does. Or maybe you're just sore because you weren't funny lol.
Definitely not going after a girl who would do that, though. It's patronizing.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
Look, I get that a bad stutter is a tough one to overcome. And I don't know if there's a cure (some people report positive effects of psychedelics).
But @mattyanon is making a point here, and both you and @Lone_Ranger fail to see how it's important.
You say you don't want people to feel sorry for you, yet you expect this to be an issue for other people to tip-toe around. Well, people having to tip-toe around stuff is going to hurt your social standing more than a stutter will.
Maybe there's a cure. But if there isn't, you absolutely must learn how to own it. All it took was a little pin prick, and your entire armor collapsed. Thats going to be an issue.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
I think OP is entitled to ask for advise without having the piss ripped out of him.
Being a prick to somebody to teach them that they need to be tough does not really constitute 'advice'. It's just more of the same that OP has already heard.
OP is not expecting us to tip toe around his stuff.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
Honestly, claiming it was a "test" sounds more like mattyanon back tracking when he realized he wasn't funny ("I meant to do that!"). I can take teasing (and believe me, I do all the time); I even joke about my stutter (just look at my username). Just because I didn't find what he said funny and thought it was childish and inapropos doesn't automatically mean I want people to tiptoe around me and feel sorry for me. Non sequitur.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
OP came here for advice and companionship. Not to have the piss ripped out of him.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Right.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
You could just apologise to him directly. That would be the gentlemanly thing to do.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Shaming language? Appeal to masculinity? What's next "Man up"?
Jeez dude, I wasn't born yesterday, you're going to have to try a lot harder than that if you want to manipulate me.
Lone_Ranger 3 2y ago
How is it shaming? Not at all. Don't blow it out of proportion.
have a nice day.
User4566 2y ago
Yes, I one of my buddies who is really good with chicks has a stutter where he kind of laughs to himself kind of like Beavis and Butthead lmao. He can't control it, but I never really ever noticed it until he told me.
There are some stutters which are fucked though, like I remember a kid in middle school who used to bark like a dog. It was funny but at the same time, poor kid! I heard CBD oil helps with tourettes and studders so I'd look into it but I doubt what you have it THAT bad.
Wwwwillthefarmer 2y ago
It's bad enough that it's not just a quirk and normal conversation is almost impossible unless the other person is extremely patient. Would be nice to have a quick fix like that, but aside from some other problematic aspects things like CBD oil and psychedelics have varied effectiveness (for some people it makes their stutter worse) and they're not a long term fix (even if they work at first the effect wears off after a while), kind of like most medications and delayed auditory feedback devices.
User4566 2y ago
In that case, do what you need to fix it. I think doctors will point you in a better direction than whatever I can come up with.