Brothers,
I've been dating this girl for over a year now. Overall, she's a great gal - she's caring, honest, thoughtful, positive and in general seems to be a good person. We're both in our mid 30s.
However, she's also a very friendly person, to everyone and that also includes other men. We recently had a situation at a wedding party, where we both got introduced by a groom to another couple. A few minutes into the conversation, she left without saying anything or at least I didn't register it. A few minutes later, I see her at the bar, talking with another guy - I recognized him from another party so didn't think too much about it. I was glimpsing at them from time to time - noticed the guy touch her waist briefly as well but she didn't react. Soon, two more guys approached her and she was chatting with all of them. I didn't get involved and when I was done talking with the couple we got introduced to, I grabbed some food and went to a table outside to eat. She came back to me shortly and I confronted her - she said she went to grab us some snacks and on the way met a guy she knew and went to talk with him, she said they all were taken and with their partners at the party. She admitted she's bad at drawing boundaries with people in general (she says she's a people pleaser) and said she will work on that. That was a month ago.
Now she's going with her 3 girlfriends and a guy from work on his boat for a few hours of sailing. Apparently it's something they won last year in a charity event they do at their work - the sailing was offered by the guy on an internal auction and everyone was bidding for it. Again, apparently the guy has a wife and wouldn't be interested in any of them. She's also invited me to their next work BBQ party (which is before the boat trip) and said she will introduce me to the guy. I'm not very enthusiastic about it - I'd feel like a cuckold.
I don't like any of those situations. Especially the first one, I felt really bad after it. Perhaps if it didn't happen I wouldn't be too concerned about the boat trip.
What do you guys think? Am I overreacting? How should I proceed?
Lone_Ranger 3 3y ago
Difficult to judge without being there.
BUT....it sounds like she is not showing any dread at all. If you are feeling threatened by her behaviour, she is not really taking care of the relationship. From what you describe, she is possibly missing the CC, and is keeping one eye on her options.
Do you think that perhaps she might be too old for you? Mid 30s is firmly post wall. What do you want from this woman? At her age, she isn't a good choice for child bearing. That's the truth of the matter.
Please let us know - what do you want from this woman?
unplugged69 3y ago
Reading this made me feel sick to my stomach, do you know why? It's called a gut feeling, your gut evolved for thousands of years to prevent you from getting CUCKED!
I honestly don't know if she's cheating on you, if I had to guess I would say she either is or is planning to. She has no respect for you as a man, and when you acted butthurt and tried to "set boundaries" with her, your frame shattered to pieces.
You need to think about what's important to you right now, is it pussy? is it women? or is it respect for yourself as a man? Pussy comes and goes, it's never wroth your self respect.
Here's what you do, first of all don't listen to anyone saying "go along with it" or "try to enforce boundaries", wrong. There are two things at play here:
A) Women need to mate guard, if you are the alpha they will remove even the SUSPICION of cheating. All this shit provides her with the plausible deniability she needs to cheat, that's 100% how women cheat and as soon as a woman starts doing this it means your relationship is on the rocks even if you are too blind to see it
B) You should NOT be communicating shit like boundaries overtly, lots of guys advise this and it's totally wrong. Women communicate covertly, now there are certain boundaries you can communicate overtly when you first vet them but it has to be done in a careful way.
Instead of trying to control her, or trying to make yourself feel better about her not caring what you think or how you feel you should focus on yourself.
Basically you treat her like a plate. Once you've applied enough dread, improved your SVM and find other dating prospects you decide what you want to do with her, you'll have options and you'll be making your decision from a mindset of abundance. Your #1 problem here is that you have not internalized the redpill or the sidebar, and you are hamstering yourself into making decisions from a mindset of scarcity, like you have no other options and she's the best you'll get.
I highly doubt it my guy, your 30s are the best for pussy and you'll get a lot of younger women chasing after you, enjoy it instead of sitting around getting cucked by this roastie.
coolsocks00 1 3y ago
Always keep two in the kitty. Is this mid 30s lady the only girl you're seeing? Are you in a committed exclusive LTR?
She's taking stock of the guys. This is normal for women, but i think it also shows that her bond to you is less than optimal. Girls that are head over heels for you will excuse themselves and find you as soon as they can, usually.
How?
This makes it seem like you didnt draw a boundary but instead criticized her. Try to avoid that.
Boundaries arent something she can just say that she's working on. It's her choosing to put you as her mental point of origin when it comes to the boundary matter. She either follows it or fails.
Girls just wanna have fun. Not much to do about this at this point unless you wanna seem like a needy beta. You can start implementing boundaries to avoid stuff like this in the future, but it has to be her choice.
Why does she mention the guy specifically and also tell you he's married? You might be asking too many mate guarding questions and coming off very insecure to get to this information, but its hard to know from the post.
In regards to getting introduced to the guy from work, that just isnt how i like to do things. I want to bring the woman into my world. I take her out, i choose to introduce her to people once she's proven herself worthy of an LTR, it's mostly about me as the leading figure in our dynamic. I couldnt give a rats ass about some schmuck from work, and she shouldnt either. Anything less is bad frame IMO.
Depends on you guys' situation, re my first question. Always be ready and willing to walk away. She should feel that you are willing to, if need be. But this is not something you say, it's more of a conclusion she draws from your behaviour.
I think you are overreacting considering this chick is mid 30s, you dated for only a year, and you havent established proper boundaries. In other words, it's also way too soon to be in an exclusive LTR with her.
IMO you should be looking at 25 year olds. My experience with women in their 30s is that they're too stuck in their ways, too used to taking dick from anyone, and it shows in their behaviour by either being a sad harpy or an unmoldable loose cannon in social dynamics.
wildorfree 3y ago
Thanks a lot!
Yes, we entered the exclusive LTR after ~6 months of dating after her asking for it. She used to stay in touch with her exes and guys she slept with but at that point she cut them off as requested.
I didn't do much of it at the party. But later on I told her I really didn't like it and it's not something I expect from my woman. I told her it's very important to me that she sets the proper boundaries with other men and to take it seriously.
That was after I told her I don't like her going on other guys boat. I think she wanted to comfort me that it's just a friends trip and not like a wild miami yacht cruise.
Any thoughts on coming to that party and getting introduced to the guy? I'm thinking of telling her again that I really don't like her going on that boat - and that's against violating the boundaries I told her previously to set with other men. Or alternatively I consider to go silent about it and do my own thing - I recently met a women at a marina that just got a brand new 250k USD sailboat and invited me to come along. Previously I wanted to check with my girlfriend if she was ok with that but after her telling me about that boat party I would just go. Any thoughts?
coolsocks00 1 3y ago
The fact that she stayed in touch even after dating you is a red flag, but im sure you knew that.
I would drop the case as its something she agreed to before you set those boundaries.
Further, if she violates said boundaries i personally dont think there's any use to restate them. Just bail or at the least increase dread a lot and see if she improves fast.
No point sticking with someone who doesnt want to improve the dynamic. And women have a tendency to do the opposite once in a committed LTR.
Yes. Personally i would just go and have fun. It's up to you.
Do you want to? Thats the question. And if you do, is it for your own enjoyment's sake, or for some hindbrain mate guarding anxiety type reason?
Maybe the dude's cool and you can shoot the shit. Maybe other people are cool. Or maybe it's an awkward bunch and some married dude trying to hook up with your girl.
Personally i would probably catch up with some friends or another activity.
AbusiveFather1 3y ago
why can't you accompany them on the boat trip?
set some boundaries; if you don't like something - tell her.
also, her "friendliness" could be a machiavellian ploy to disarm people and you as well; one day you may find out that "it just happened" with one of her so-called friends. remember, you've been dating her for over a year, i.e. you don't know this person - at all.
wildorfree 3y ago
I assumed it's only for office colleagues that paid for it - but didn't really ask about it.
What do you think about the wedding situation? Am I overreacting in this case?
AbusiveFather1 3y ago
you should definitely ask about it.
in my subjective opinion: no, you are not overreacting - in fact, you are underreacting. she knows what she's doing, the guys know what they're doing, and you had better wisen up and see what she's doing also - she's testing the waters.