I was named Best Man and now I'm regretting accepting it. He probably only named me because of pressure from my family and I very reluctantly agreed. I'm in the worst place I've ever been in in my life and this wedding is the only thing stopping me from killing myself. His bachelor party is next week, I already feel terrible because I didn't plan it, I didn't know that was a thing and It was already mostly planned before he asked me. I've been frantically trying to figure out how to pay for the last couple of weeks. My mother went behind my back and told my older and younger brother to pay for me, knowing that was the last thing I wanted. My younger brother and older want to pay for me. I feel like such a useless sack of shit, a burden on them to be honest, even pride wise I feel like I won't even be able to have fun, I'm looking at the expenses of the trip, and it's over 1,000. looking like a failure.
I'm 23 and He's 6 yrs older so 29, and in a high-income industry, his friends are all making high six to seven figures, so the might ball out. He personally told me that he's struggling financially to pay for the wedding out of pocket. Im literally a piece of shit. I can't do this to him I won't even be able to enjoy it. His friends hate me because they think I'm a piece of shit, but my mom makes me go to all his events and he invites me. I haven't been able to sleep I'm having panic attacks.
Im just despondent I feel so frustrated Im the kind of guy whos always puts the needs of others over his own, and now I can't even kms. I can't even be miserable in peace. I can handle my own shit but constantly having to worry about other people's feelings and obligations. This is becoming a huge burden on me, I shouldn't have agreed, but tbh I think my mom would have made me.
I'm going to try and plan something last minute at least something to step up and make his party good and be there for his wedding, but man words can describe how much of a useless man I feel like right now. I honestly don't know how I'm going to pay for this, and it's piling on top of all my other problems like my credit card debt, and unemployment. I honestly don't think I can accept money from them, I mean taking money from your younger brother and older brother paying for you to come to his own bachelor party, pathetic.
[deleted] 2y ago
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RedPirate751 2y ago
Hey man, I'm sorry you are feeling like this right now. I can relate to a part of your situation - there was a time in my life where my dad had to help me out financially. A lot of help, actually. I felt much the same way about it - like a burden, a failure, ect.
Here's the truth of the situation: my dad helped me because he could afford to, because I needed the help, and because he wanted to help me.
Our egos tell us we should be able to do it all alone. That's not the way life goes though, everyone needs a hand from the people around them sometimes. Its okay to accept that hand up. It doesn't make you less of a man, it makes you human.
Imagine if, instead of being a burden, you were just a regular guy who needed a hand getting through a big life event and your family wants to help you. You are thankful to have such a loving family with the means to do that. You resolve that, if one of them needs your help in the future, you will be there for them in whatever capacity you are able and they will be equally grateful to have you.
That world doesnt sound so bad, does it?
[deleted] 2y ago
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mattyanon Admin 2y ago
While I agree, that is not what OP asked
Dxmx99 2y ago
Who cares, don't make their wedding a bigger deal than it is for them. Move on from this point while knowing the facts - they're going to remember the bullshit of this marriage far more than what you did or didn't do for their wedding.
It sounds like you're not operating withing your own bounds if you had to be apart of this. I would work on that first and foremost and become more assertive. You obviously didn't want to be a part of this, you should've said something.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
If it's causing you this much stress cancel
fumbor Should i (x1) 2y ago
You're not a burden to your family. They're offering help because they care about you. Swallow your pride and accept it. Use it as fuel to get yourself out of this rut. Be grateful you have a support system. Many men don't.
As for the bachelor party, don't overthink it. Make it about your brother, not about showing off. Plan something you know he'll enjoy, even if it's low-budget. Creativity over cash, every time.
The fact that you're so concerned about this shows you're not a "piece of shit". You're a guy who's fallen on hard times. The important thing is how you get back up, not how many times you fall. So brush yourself off, stand tall, and confront this head-on. It's a tough world, but you're tougher.
Remember, you have to start prioritizing your own needs too. You're not responsible for everyone's happiness. Learn to say no when you need to. This is your life, live it on your own terms.
Now take a deep breath and start handling this situation one step at a time. You've got this.
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
lmao kill yourself? that would cement your legacy as the ultimate bitch - it sounds like your family cares about you a lot, and you want to ruin their lives forever by being an egotistic fuckhead?
go to the bachelor's party, attend the wedding, be a good brother and a good friend and don't be a bitch, homie. life's not happening to just you only.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
People who say this are always full of shit, and you're no exception. You didn't plan the bachelor party, didn't even do a minimum of research to figure out what being the best man actually entails. You just assumed everyone else took care of it for you, and that you didn't have to do jackshit.
On what planet is that being "the kind of guy who puts the needs of others over his own"?
If you're going to be this incompetent at everything in your life, then by all means, keep at it. But don't come here and paint yourself as some sort of victim to external circumstances, or some sort of altruistic messiah character, when the truth is you're too self obsessed to even consider the needs of others.
Next, there's this:
(...)
(...)
(...)
The reasons you say these things, is because you want us to go: "Oh no, you're good! You're not a piece of shit! You're valuable and useful! Here, let me give you a virtual man hug!"
In other words, you're just looking for free, undeserved validation. And anyone here who gives it to you is a naive dumbass, with as much of a female brain as you have.
No, fuck that shit. Your feelings are entirely correct and deserved. You feel this way because it's the literal truth. So what are you going to do about it? Cry and bitch some more? Or are you actually going to #do something? Nothing in life comes for free. Feeling good doesn't come for free. Validation (whether from inside or outside) doesn't come for free. The respect of others doesn't come for free. A ready-organised bachelor party doesn't just fall out of the sky.
Everything in life comes from #doing. So what do you even #do all day, other than mentally masturbate and looking for comfort online? You don't have a job, you don't have kids, you don't have anything going for you. So what the fuck do you actually do with all this time?
God damn, I'm so sick of all you fucking party pooping downers, with user names like: "sad-farm", "just_a_sad_guy", "teary-eyed faggot" or whatever the fuck you guys go for, coming on here and just victim puking all over the place. Just seeing another one of your threads makes me wanna shoot myself...or shoot you all, just to put you out of your misery.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
I think you got this one wrong. There's more going on here. I'll post a response that explains it.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
I read your response. And while I agree with what you're saying about bachelor parties, and the idiocy of spending a lot of dough on a wedding, whatever we think about that is irrelevant to the case at hand.
Bottom line is, OP is incompetent and lazy. And then he does what he usually does, which is to come on here, crying and whinging, thinking anybody here is going to fix his fee-fees, so that he doesn't have to do any actual work.
It's weak as shit.
Life doesn't work that way. If you say you're gonna do something for someone (like throw a bachelor party), you fucking do it. And if you think you can't do it, then you don't agree to do it.
And what's worse, is he says about himself: "I'm the sort of guy who always put others first". He says that while breaking promises to others through sheer laziness and incompetence.
Guy's just mentally masturbating, living in la-la land. A time waster and a loser. And he's only coming on here to waste our time as well. I've had it with guys like that. Don't know what the fuck they're doing in the redpillosphere in the first place.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Well he did say he's unemployed and buried in credit card debt at age 23. Pretty common for a Zoomer. I don't think us older guys understand what a shitburger these kids were handed. And then to be told they have to suck it up, bite chew swallow. The ONLY escape from poverty I had was the military. That was pretty much true of all the guys I knew in GenX. You couldn't make jack shit in the trades back then. By the time you finished a tour and did college there were no jobs in your field. Do you know how much a PhD in Physics makes? Peanuts. And that's if you're lucky enough to be in the top of the class and even find work.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
All the necessary information is freely available to him - moreso than for our generation. He even hangs around in the red pill space, so he knows it's there. It's his choice - and his choice only - to refuse to take any of it to heart, and to refuse to do any of the work.
23 is too old to default to complaining about whatever shitburger you were handed, and act like you have no agency in life. At that age, you're responsible for making the best out of the cards you were handed.
Yes, a lot of young men today are lost, and have been handed shitburger after shitburger. But those who are cut out to make it do so because deep down they crave agency and responsibility, even if they're currently struggling with it. The ones who are just a waste of time are quite comfortable having neither, and just want to complain to have their fee-fees validated.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
I still disagree. The pandemic cost a lot of people their jobs. Housing, education, energy, and food are unaffordable. AI is killing jobs. Inflation is killing incomes. Men, especially white ones, are discriminated against in everything and hated by society. All opportunity is rapidly vanishing.
It's not enough to just "man up" anymore. A young man's job prospects are: Wendys, Burger King, Subway, Home Depot, Walmart, or manual labor. They'll all pay you just enough to cover rent in a shared unit, your bills, and that's about it. If you want to be an electrician, get in line and wait a couple years for someone to complete training and then hope you're short-listed.
College isn't any help either. All that will get you is a worthless piece of paper and $80k debt for a job that AI has replaced. See where this is going?
Also to your credit, I did just see roofers make $25-35/hr. I don't see AI replacing that job. If he had enough time before the party he could bust ass and come up with some money and start a lucrative trade.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
I'm not necessarily disagreeing with your assessment of the state of society. But that's all besides the point though.
The point is, OP is telling us something here about the kind of man that he is. And all of it can be summed up by one word: 'incompetence'.
Was asked to be best man at his brother's wedding. What you, or I, or him think about that as a concept is besides the point. Yeah, it's a dumb tradition. Who cares? The point is, he said yes to doing it. So he should do it, and do it properly.
Just assumed there's nothing he has to do as the best man. Didn't research anything, didn't ask anyone, just took it for granted that it would all be taken care of for him.
Now he's all surprised that the job actually did entail him doing something, and he's short on time. Cue depression.
Understand what I'm getting at? Yeah, we can talk about 'society' this, and 'young people' that, 'shitburgers' here, and 'the economy' there. Those are all excuses though. It's like with the fat acceptance movement: "It's not the fact that I'm fat that's the problem, it's how socyetee reacts to fat people that's the problem".
Bottom line is, OP is incompetent. And he won't experience any happiness, self-worth, self-love, or confidence in this life, unless he learns to become more competent. And that means thinking and acting as if he has agency, that he (and not everything/everyone else) is responsible for what he does and does not.
"Oh the times we live in" and all that jazz....well, there's never been a time when men got stuff for free, and were rewarded in life for being incompetent. Not now, and not before either. So whatever times we live in, whatever society, under whatever economy, is irrelevant to the fact that his main problem is incompetence.
Sorry, but I just can't muster up any sympathy here. And I bet you, the story he's telling us here, and how he handled it, is symptomatic for how he deals with life in general. Hence the username, hence all of his posts ever.
I'm not trying to shit on the guy or anything, but it's impossible not to, if I'm going to point out the obvious. I get it, it's not easy to change as a person. But I'm not going to sit here and tell comfortable lies either, just to make him feel better for 5 mins. The truth is, he's incompetent, and he's NOT "the kind of person who puts other people first". If he was that kind of person, he would've arranged something after having said yes to do it.
I've said yes to stuff I regret having said yes to as well. But I still did at least a minimum amount of effort. I didn't just lean back and go: "Oh well, somebody else will take care of it". And then afterwards whinge and cry about what a loser I am, as if self flagellation was some kind of get-out-of-jail-for-free card. It's a loser's mentality, no two ways about it.
Typo-MAGAshiv Endorsed Contributor 2y ago
I missed this one until you linked the OP in the public square.
Well said, whole thread.
Durek_The_Bald 2y ago
Thanks!
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Ok.
The big picture here is that you need to look after yourself and your job situation and dependence. "I put other people first" only counts for something if you have your own life in order, which you don't. You need to focus on yourself and avoid the covert contract of "I put other people first therefore I deserve everything in life", which is NOT how it works. How it works is that you look after yourself and secondarily you look after others.
Right, on to the wedding and party:
As regards money: do what it takes to get through the next few weeks, borrow money if you have to, make sure to keep the expenses as low as possible. Let people help you.
Get other people to help. Get contact details from everyone, ring round, get them to tell you how they can all help. You're the organiser, but they'll want to help with ideas and planning. Get input from everyone, it isn't all on you. I've organised a party like this at a week's notice. It can be done.
You are also focusing 99.9% on yourself. All this "I'm pathetic" stuff is focusing on yourself and how others see you. He's asked you to be his best man, so do that. Focus on making it great for everyone else. Accept some small financial contribution from them. But make sure it's great for THEM..... you are being very, very self-centred with this self talk. Stop that.
Work with other people .... CALL each of the other party goes (except the groom)...... focus on making life great for the groom and for the rest of the people there, yourself included. This will work fine if you let it and if you involve them. They'll help, but you have to organise it and make decisions.
You got this.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Fuck that shit. Best man is an honor. Bachelor parties are a luxury. I didn't have a best man or a bachelor party. I spent $500 for my big fat Indonesian wedding and got $1k in cash gifts. I think you need to give these people a reality check. They sound like a bunch of rich snobby assholes. Maybe that's why you're the best man. Because you're not a rich snobby asshole. The best man of all the men he knows.
Look, these weddings are an industry. People are stupid. Of course it seems pathetic to you. This is simping to the max. Stand your ground. Hold frame. Know the value of a dollar. You can't control what they do but you can control what you do.