A couple months ago I got rid of all my friends because these mofos would always borrow money and never return or would call me in the middle of the night to bail them out after they did some stupid shit.
I decided to spend time alone and work on myself so I took care of my body and finances. Now that I solved these problems, I decided to work on my social life.
Thing is, I work at home so I don't interact with anyone except my colleagues on Zoom. I only go out to get groceries or hiking. My social skills weren't great before but now they 0.
Today I went hiking and got depressed when I saw other people hiking with their friends/family while I have no one to share this amazing experience with. I also broke up with my LTR of 3 years last year so I'm lonely AF.
How am I supposed to get out of this mess?
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Read my blog, there is stuff there on making friends.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
I'll let Rollo explain it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_KLe-q2Ivo
It's worth the 4hrs.
RedPirate751 2y ago
I've said it before and I'll say it again: join a club. If you like hiking, find a group that goes hiking nearby. A club for trail runners might also be a good fit for you.
People bond over a combination of mutual interests and shared experiences. Find a place where people who share an interest with you gather, and then go there often enough to get to know them and for them to get to know you.
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RedPilledAF 2y ago
It's a good idea but I went to a paid group hike once. Problem is, other people came with their friends/girlfriends so I felt like shit the whole time because I was the only solo person there. I got to talk with 2 guys but they're mostly interested in talking about their job and knowing about mine.
Never saw these people again.
RedPirate751 2y ago
You're looking at that experience in the wrong way IMO. You went in with expectations, which means that whatever happened it was going to be compared to those expectations. Kinda like going to a movie expecting it to have lots of action, then discovering that all the action from the trailer happens in the first 15 minutes and the rest is more of a drama.
Those couples? Get to know them! You might have a lot in common with the guys, and the girls might have single friends. Those dudes talking about work? They're just as nervous as you are and probably don't know what to talk to other dudes about besides...well, work. It's just small talk. Relationships don't usually start out with people talking about big, meaningful stuff. It's usually small talk at first, then somebody slips in something important like "Oh yeah, I went on a work trip there last year. Very cool city but don't go to the park downtown after 9pm." "Why not?" Boom, story time and now you're getting real about life experiences with someone. Maybe they went to that park and saw a drug deal go down, culminating in a crazy dance-off between rival gangs like the music video from "Bad"! Now you're talking about how a cool music video can make a song amazing, and how the music video for "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" is super weird until you realize that's the point because the guy in the song feels awkward and left out of the nightlife scene he's trying to fit into to.
This is all just me randomly spitballing here, but the point is this: everyone feels awkward making friends as an adult. Especially men. You've got to ride that discomfort out and get past the initial interactions. Watch how kids interact. They'll be sitting there, not really paying attention to each other much but not being rude or anything. Then one boy breaks out his HotWheels, and the other one is like "woah that's a really cool car collection!" Suddenly they are pushing cars all over the nearby bench and pretending the sticks on the ground are the borders of a race track. As adults we feel awkward about the first part, we worry that we are being judged, and our ego protects itself by saying "I bet these people suck anyways". Push through that and you'll get to the part where you actually form relationships with people.
RedPilledAF 2y ago
I'm starting to get it now. I guess I'm nervous and end up not getting into the conversation so then I make excuses like they're not really interested in me or something.
I'm gonna start practicing small talk more then. Thanks bro.
RedPirate751 2y ago
You're welcome!
User4566 2y ago
What you're doing now is great because the next time you get into a conversation with someone new, they'll want to be your friend since you're a guy who actually does shit.
I was just out last night getting wasted with a friend I made because I told him "Yeah, I go out to bars and clubs etc." and I did this alone too. I started to notice that more people wanted to join me because I took the lead of doing what I want with or without other people.
Who would you rather be friends with: the guy who waits to be invited everywhere or the guy who relies on himself and does fun stuff regardless.
AnteriorEmotiff 2y ago
@RedPilledAF
this, most people doesn't do anything, if you do something then it will be matter to dress it up nicely, disregarding was it exciting or dull. Search for good sides
Besides Finding friends is as hard as finding gf that doesn't work on your nerves in first 3 months. Remove this expectations, there is unpaved road ahead. Organize little shit activity and see what others say about joining, you will hear plenty of excuses and plenty of flakes. This is how it goes for everyone.
I don't support running. It is high joint impact activity and you will suffer later in life if you'll keep doing it.
Go to things that do not interest you. YOu might find that, this stuff challenges you and you didn't want to put yourself in awkward situation. At the very worst you'll have new story.
RedPilledAF 2y ago
That's interesting bro. Are you saying you went out by yourself and made a friend there?
User4566 2y ago
Yes, but not this guy. I met this guy when I was cashiering at my job. He was buying booze and I said "these fake IDs are getting better and better" and he laughed and we shot the shit about drinking and all that.
Bulba 2y ago
Maybe your city sucks. If you’re in a good city, “how to make friends” is not even a question, it simply happens.
Some cities are meant for retired people, and some cities do not welcome outsiders. You have to figure out if your location is the problem, or if your attitude is the problem. ( it’s probably both ).
TRPDuryodhana 2y ago
Join a toastmasters club near you.
It's a great place to practice your comms and public skills along with a large no. of people who are also looking to improve. Don't go looking for 'friends.' You're coming from a place of desperation here. Just thinking about it makes me feel like it's some taker that I need to avoid. Instead, try to have your best time and you'll make friends on your own overtime (provided you're following basic etiquette).
I suggested Toastmasters because learning and practising formal rhetoric will help you in all areas of life. You can try other types of clubs as well, as someone mentioned below.
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RedPilledAF 2y ago
Bro this is so true. I'm failing at social interactions because I'm always scared that I might be bothering the other person, so I end up not talking.
I'm gonna get myself out there more often and practice that shit.
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RedPilledAF 2y ago
That's an interesting perspective. When I was a fat fuck, I said that I was gonna cut weight and then I'll have enough confidence to talk to people.
When I lost 40lbs and looked lean as fuck, I was still shy, so I blamed it on money. Then when I made enough money to be comfortable, I still couldn't interact with others.
So I guess it's all in my head and I just need some fucking exposure right now.
bluerock_sailor66 2y ago
Like the others have said, join a club. Find a hobby you want to get into, go into those spaces. I had very few friends last summer and now I have people trying to hangout with me so much I have to turn them down. Just like it takes time to land a girl, it'll take time to make friends.
Also, I totally get feeling depressed when you see happy couples. Sounds like on some level, you're probably not entirely over your last relationship, or it's left a void in your life. While nothing will fill that void like a relationship will, you can find things to place in there to make it feel better. Stay strong, keep lifting, and work on self improvement. It'll come with time. Lame cliche, but Rome wasn't built in a day. I'd also suggest a bit of therapy if you can, because oftentimes those depressed feelings are coming from a deeper issue that happened in your past and having a professional help you explore that can be game changing.
haventcopedinseconds 2y ago
Read: how to make friends and influence people by Dave Carnegie. Then go out and join a boxing gym ( or judo or whatever you like that involves other people).
RedPilledAF 2y ago
Definitely gonna do that. I got my eye on a jiu jitsu gym that I'm planning on joining next week.
AbusiveFather1 2y ago
why not judo or boxing, like the gentleman proposed?
RedPilledAF 2y ago
Not many clubs in my area so I'm gonna join a popular one. I might do boxing instead though because I'm not a fan of wearing kimonos.
sad_farm 2y ago
Good on you to drop your friends I might honestly be in the same process soon. But I’ve always been good at making friends. #1 tip say yes to everything this might come a little later since you’re starting from scratch but if someone invites you out you go no matter what, you can say no latter on. Join every group club event that you have a slight interest in, especially sports if you play any, use the meetup app. Host your own events, invite people out for a drink to a bar or sports game at your house, or at a restaurant. In terms of forming connections best advice I can give is theyre probably going through the exact problems you are and have a lot of the same thoughts, as different as people are they’re also very similar. Literally talk about anything or tell a story about bailing out one of your friends and someone will relate. Results will be equal to the amount of effort you put in.