Long story short in the beginning, LTR and I had a bit of a rocky start. I was telling her what to Do And what not to do. Setting boundaries. Clarifying things I’m not okay with etc.
One issue that came up was that There were a few guys that texted her random mundane things and conversations that had no direction and weren’t going anywhere ( hey, hi what’s new with you, etc). I confronted her and asked who are these guys and she said that they were guys that she went to school with or her brothers friend, neighbour etc. basically people she grew up with.
Although she wasn’t the one to ever start a conversation. I told her I don’t want her messaging other guys or even replying to them. She said that I was being controlling and taking things out of context. So I told her, I don’t want you talking or giving these dudes the time of day and that the choice is hers. She blocks and removes them all.
Anyways fast forward to now. Shes never replied or messaged a dude. Is loving and affectionate. Does whatever I tell her to do and is constantly chasing my validation and affection.
Now the problem is every once in a while my brain will go into overthinking mode and I’ll randomly remember this incident or similar incidents from several months ago and I’ll get really annoyed that she could ever think that was okay to do or say once upon a time.
Im not sure if this stems from me thinking that a girl should know what’s disrespectful and that I shouldn’t have to “correct her behaviour” because that implies I negotiated with her. Or maybe it’s me convincing myself that there was a point in time that she defended the right to talk to male acquaintances and basically chose them over me, even though ultimately it’s been done with long ago.
What should I do. How do I get out of this mindset. Why does it annoy me so much that even though she’s corrected her behaviour that she once did something I really disliked. She even acknowledges that back then she was dumb and that she regrets ever doing anything to compromise our relationship or do something that I’m not pleased with. But regardless it just annoys me. Is this ocd
Bagpipes about a week ago
I have this same mindset too. Dont get too caught up in being overly alpha and shit, its only gonna backfire, and in a way makes you look insecure to overreact to arguably small battles.
Youre basically getting triggered by "microaggressions" which is beta by nature. When you are in a quality LTR, there is no such thing as 100% smooth sailing. A shitty LTR will be full of disrespect and shit tests. A good one will be smooth with some microaggressions and occasional shit tests. Consider it just a sign of reality of dealing with a girl. When youre in a LTR its not about finding a unicorn who will never irritate you, its about finding a girl who you think is worth dealing with their bullshit.
And frankly, there is no major disrespect here. Its a "microaggression" (I hate this word btw its very social justice warrior lingo), but its not a big deal. Some girls are monsters and conniving, this is not the case.
I learned this the hard way, I had a relatively good LTR and I kind of overreacted over some microaggressions, i kind of held it in bc they were very minor infractions, but over a course of a few months I bottled it up and punished her for it (overreacted), and i broke up with her out the blue and it really confused her, because she didnt really understand what she did wrong. We got back together again but It was hard to fix from there and it eventually broke the LTR for good.
After the dust settled, I realized that I overreacted and she was actually a good LTR who did bring value to my life. But I chose to get offended at things that other guys would generally not even notice. I think when one is too sensitive to disrespect, it can be mistaken as standing up for yourself, but if its micro-disrespect i think it makes you look sensitive (beta).
TLDR; Dont punish her for microaggressions. Only true disrespect.
Comment Stickied by Moderator
Lone_Ranger about a week ago
this is a good reply by Bagpipes.
if she was willing to cease texting with other men for your LTR, its a good sign. My question would be - how do you know that she was texting with other guys? Are you going through her phone? I only ask because that is probably a line a guy should never cross - once you are controlling their phones you've crossed over into a coercive control type of relationship. It may well be that is what she wants, but its still not a good idea because you're now living in her frame.
Not gonna lie - even telling an LTR that they can't text other men is sort of falling into their frame. It clearly signals to the woman that a simple thing like texting a friend upsets you, and this gives her immense power. If she's got you searching through her phone, she's got you by the balls.
A simpler better approach might be "Hey, you can do what you want. But if I get the feeling that you're not 100% focused on me, and only me, I'll be gone. I won't explain, I won't negotiate, I'll just leave and go elsewhere. It doesn't matter if nothings going on, it matters how it feels to the other person. So think carefully about your relationships with other men while you're in an LTR."
lurkerhasarisen about a week ago
It doesn't make @DastardlyCade "look insecure"... it reveals that he is insecure.
When my wife and I got married we had our version of the "Graham Rule": don't be alone with a member of the opposite sex. It's a pretty good rule for avoiding both temptation and the appearance of impropriety, but as time went by we realized that we were exercising more caution than was necessary. Now?... when I was going to Hawaii for work and I found out that a former (attractive) female co-worker was stationed there, my wife suggested that I take her out to dinner.
Being bothered by innocuous texting... months after she stopped?
DastardlyCade about a week ago
Good insight. In your opinion do you consider texting other men a micro aggression or a disrespect. I guess there is bigger things to worry about especially if the LTR has corrected that behaviour and doesn’t do it anymore. But the overthinking part comes in when your brain try’s to tell you that should’ve never happened in the first place.
Also can you elaborate on what your previous LTRs micro aggression was that you overreacted to.
Intrepid_Place53900 about a week ago
ya, like the guys have said, overthinking.
who knows what those guys were, it was the beginning of your relationship, they could have been FWB's or whatever.
the point is, she seems to have blocked them, and you have access to her phone.
bagpipes comments are good. what he did was overreact, broke up, they got back together but it didn't work. probably because she didn't trust him anymore, wouldn't allow herself to open up and submit to him. I don't think it was beta,etc, it was a matter of her not trusting him anymore, not willing to submit.
If you set expectations and she breaks them it's one thing. You can't punish for things before you set those expectations. I mean if she has red flags (today), that's different than what you described.
Vermillion-Rx about a week ago
Might as well be
I envy that this is the worst behavior your girl gives you. This stuff sounds incredibly mild compared to most women out there
Texting some other dudes unenthusiastically and doing just about everything you want outside of that?
Seriously, I think you need to re-evaluate your giga Chad approach to this LTR, it's doing you no favors. Been following your LTR updates on the forums for a good while now
Lionsmane8 about a week ago
Focus on being the "dick-in-her-lifeTM".
MidgetSpinner about a week ago
Would you have been willing to walk away if she didn't capitulate and block those dudes? That's the difference between being controlling and setting healthy boundaries.
Vermillion-Rx about a week ago
Stickying comment and thread for quality contribution and good discussion of topic
@Lone_Ranger @lurkerhasarisen @Intrepid_Place53900 @Bagpipes
Edit: meant to reply thread not reply to post
whytehorse2021 about a week ago
You just have to be ready to walk away. My wife did some dumb shit before we met and then never again but if she does I'm gone.