This is not a sex question but a "build your tribe and social circle" question. Most people on self-improvement forums talk about how important it is to "build your tribe" and have some good, close friendships. My experience is slightly different.
I have had some really close friends in my life, people that I have let in on my private and professional affairs and they have more or less done the same. What I have found is that once they think they know you really well they want to change you or remake you in their image. If you do something that they are not personally interested in, they do not respect that and do not want to hear about it. If you differ even slightly from their opinion on how life should be, they will get angry. I was actually surprised by the latter as I am a fairly tolerant person and I am not quick to judge if opinions, tastes or lifestyles differ but oh man, people are intolerant.
Let me give a couple of concrete examples to illustrate what I mean:
Friend A has developed an interest in programming and wanted to "share" it with me. He became almost religious in trying to convert me so my life goal would be to become a programmer like him. I tried to tell him that I was bad in math in school and programming does not personally interest me and he took that very personally (even though his interest in programming was something fairly new for him too).
Friend B somehow became extremely religious as of late and started to attack me because I am not married or have children yet (I am in my late twenties). He said that is the only way to really live your life and that I have wasted my life.
Friend C likes to always tell me about his private and personal problems. The amount of talking is 90% him and 10% me. I do not think he actually knows a lot about me lol. If I mention something I have recently done he ignores it and proceeds to talk about his problems. If I do not say what he wants to hear he becomes extremely irritating and takes it very personally. So with him, I do not only have to make sure I respond quickly to his messages or, when we meet, listen to his 2 hour rants but also respond in a way that will not offend him.
Friend D always calls me although I told him a million times I do not like to be called, I really only allow my mom to call me. I just hate talking over the phone.
As a result I wonder if you can even have close friends that know you a bit better than your usual acquaintance. I feel like you can really only share this level of trust with your partner and your family.
Lately I have made better experiences by bonding with new friends over shared interests, mostly Martial Arts and Music. This is something that we can do together and talk about and we do not bother each other with our personal problems. With Friend C I like to keep the discussion focussed on the business stuff because occasionally we give each other good ideas (though I give a lot more useful advice, his ideas are often catastrophic) but then he would still rant about work problems and become upset with me. I also noted that it is harder to connect with people if we do not share interests or values. For example where I live there are a lot of hippies who listen to techno and take drugs every weekend and that is not really something that interests me, although I am not judging them.
whytehorse2021 3y ago
Sounds like you have autistic friends that like to talk about their special interests. Also sounds like you guys may be socializing like women. Rollo did a video on this: https://youtu.be/Y_KLe-q2Ivo
And yes, it can be irritating dealing with people. I used to become overly attached to friends when I was younger and it's basically a form of simping. The obvious solution is abundance but you can't force them to go out and make more friends. All you can do is set boundaries and encourage them to put themselves out there. With my son, I had to teach him that he shouldn't spend time with his friend more than 1x/wk or else they get sick of each other, run out of stuff to talk about, etc. Then resentment builds. You might just say you're busy during certain hours/days and that a good time to hang out is X or Y.
TheAurora 3y ago
Any timestamps on that vid since its 4h long?
whytehorse2021 3y ago
It's probably the only video I recommend watching the full 4hrs.
Lone_Ranger 3 3y ago
your friend who talks 90% and only allows you to talk 10% - have you mentioned it? mention it in a polite and friendly way. If he makes an effort to correct this, great. If not, move on.
But you also need to realise that you are being quite autistic as well - you say you have told your friend 'a million times' that he can't call you. You only allow your mother to call you. Do you realise how autistic that is? Friends call each other.
You need work on that. You cannot expect the world to bend to your will. Since we all have phones and friends call each other, you need to get used to it. You need to say to yourself 'ok - for some weird reason, I don't like phone calls, but here I am on planet earth, and phone calls are a part of life, so I will fix my thinking rather than trying to change the world'.
I also don't like stopping at red lights. Its annoying and waste of my time. You catch my drift?
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mattyanon Admin 3y ago
You have fairly shitty "basic-bitch" friends. It takes time and effort to find good people. Limit your time with people who aren't fantastic.
Yes you can
Right
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dongking 3y ago
Regardless of what your friends said or did, it all comes back to you. Your friends are in many ways a mirror of yourself and your life.
Solution: up your game and surround yourself with better people.
TheAurora 3y ago
"Better people" seems a bit subjective, doesn't it? As I said, I have had much more pleasant friendships with people that I share interests with, and we keep the discussions mostly around those interests. As soon as I let people more "into" my life, they lose their respectful distance.