So long story

I grew up a little different. Very fat with what is known as a varicocele (look it up) and resulting gyno etc. Had crippling social anxiety. Luckily I was smart enough to get a great degree and eventually a very good respectable job at 23. By then I was literally still a kiss virgin and huge, and the job was very stressful and destroyed me.

The good part is I joined a gym at 25, lost about 80 pounds, got nearly shredded and very strong. Female interest grew tremendously but I was too much of a bitch to act on it. It did not help that I now had lots of loose skin (which you really couldnt see with a shirt on) and still the varicocele. I tried to do gyno/loose skin surgery and it got absolutely botched.

These issues still really bothered me, and I started using alcohol as a clutch - not only for depression but also social anxiety. I would be in parties getting drunk and meeting girls. I was 28 and ripped and known to have a highly respectable well paying job, and yet most would not know I was still a damn kiss virgin. Now I ended meeting a girl who I really clicked with and we got together and did it all. The problem? She was 19, didnt finish high school and from the ghetto lol.

I kept it as a FWB situation until I met a girl on my social status level who I got in a LTR with. That new girl ended treating me like SHIT and that is when I got red pilled (sort of). When I broke up with the new chick, I slept around like crazy and treated all those girls like shit honestly. It didnt really feel fulfilling and took up too much time and energy so I stopped.

Eventually in the pandemic and lockdowns, I ended up back with chick #1 who I never lost contact with. We spoke every day the entire time. She had come up a bit in life, starting college etc. and moving out the ghetto. Unfortunately, that was with the help of a married guy she was having an affair with. I imagined getting back with her would be a FWB situation but my insecurities and lockdown loneliness/boredom totally changed that and it became a very long term ordeal. She moved super fast to sleep over, move her stuff in etc. I didnt even know what hit me but like 9 months later I am there with my friend saying I dont really want this girl like that. I could not commit.

We were absolute best friends for YEARS and very close and great chemistry, but the whole social status difference, affair, she also slept with a rapper etc issues plagued my mind. Not to mention the fact that I always felt like if I just gave myself 2-3 more years of self improvement I could get the girl I really wanted. However, this chick was SUPER submissive. Anything I wanted in bed or otherwise.

I would find that even tho she doesnt look bad, I just wasnt that attracted. I had to do all these things to get myself into the sex. I didnt realize how much of an issue that was until I met this girl that was so much the perfect type for me that I could literally bust from just dancing with her. Eventually I cheated and she read my phone and found out. It was all down hill from there.

It is unfortunate that I fell off totally in my self improvement in that time. I mean I could have just pushed my career, money, gym and health improvements to the next level but females, parties and alcohol totally distracted me. I would spend like 40-60% of my free time just driving this girl around and helping her with errands and shit. It was pathetic. I was so attached to her at that stage that i chased after her and begged her to come back.

Ever since then it has been 2 years of rollercoaster on and off arguing and breaking up and getting back. Her behavior and submission to me completely deteriorated, but sometimes you just get so comfortable you just keep going back. Its sad but I just got stuck in that place. She was very demanding with my time too, it was bad. I know this sounds beta as shit, but lockdowns were very bad where i am from and that was those 2 years. We ended up going hotels during lockdown etc when I didnt even see other females for the most part (other than a group of like 4 other female friends, of which at least 2 I would have some drunk messing around with but not actual sex).

Fast forward, I left the country for a work opportunity a month ago. Down to the night I left we had a huge fight. She has serious anger issues now, that only became apparent in the last 6 months. Those anger issues have embarrassed me quite a bit. As soon as I arrived in my new place it forced to re-evaluate everything. I cannot drink anymore because work is much more serious. I have to focus on my career. I also see so many new beautiful women here, and now that IM not physically there it has me wondering. Its funny because when I left she started contacting me far more, and becoming submissive again.

I dont know how to proceed. It is clear that relationship will not reach much further, but she is holding on to it for dear life. Im not really attracted anymore, theres ZERO passion, shes very demanding and has serious anger issues. The social status thing is kind of a big deal. At times, she doesnt talk properly and she dresses like someone with no class. She has never met anyone in my family after all these years for obvious reasons. I have my problems too but being here makes me realize if I just set out two years what I can achieve. It would have to involve surgery to fix the varicocele and scars, and lots of biohacking, lots of hustling and so on - but it can be done.

However, we are still incredibly attached. I have to return to my country in 1 year.

What I want to achieve is ending things passively, while maintaining some form of friendship.

Any thoughts? Yes its beta as shit, but still an important friendship. And she is trying very hard to improve herself and carry herself better.