I have been seeing her for a few months. She asked the what are we question and I said I have to get to know her more. Fast forward a few weeks she texted me saying there are some guys wanting to date her and asked me : "what are we again so I can give them the proper response?"
What would be the best course of action here guys?
whytehorse2021 2y ago
I would just tell her that you're dating non-exclusively and then treat her as a plate, knowing she's fucking other guys and will jump ship at any time. Get some more plates. If she's even entertaining seeing other guys she's not LTR material.
benzino 2y ago
Thanks man. But I feel like hitting her in the face that we're non exclusive is like telling her : go fuck other guys.
I know she's not seeing anybody now but want some sort of beta confirmation from me. It's just that I dont feel like Im ready to LTR her.
Going by what you said, probably something like "I do like you but I feel like we still need to find out more about each other. If you can't wait for that then I still wish you be happy". Do you think that will work?
PS: you do have a point about LTR material. I hate this ultimatum shit
whytehorse2021 2y ago
If a woman is into you, she'll be into you 100%. Otherwise she's just plating you. How is she getting other men to ask her out? She's got a marketing funnel called Instagram with thirst traps, probably. Several dating apps. How long before Chad slips into her DM and she bounces?
I think this will be a good learning experience for you about female nature. They are opportunistic. If they think you're their best hypergamous opportunity they choose you. Another thing that will blow your mind is how women negotiate desire differently than men. Her asking "what are we? If it's not exclusive then I'm dating other men" is the equivalent of you saying "Are we fucking tonight? If not then I'm not paying for dinner".
Here's a better response: "We are dating non-exclusively. I am carefully vetting women to be a wife and mother of my children. I don't LTR women who date other men."
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2y ago
so, I assume you have sex regularly?
She wants to know , is she just a pump n dump or what.
What would I do?
If I thought the girl had potential to be a LTR, I'd tell her, that I want a LTR, I'm looking for it, but I"m in no rush, I want more time. Now, you say several months, have you spent most of that free time together or not? If yes, then that's a decent amount of time, I don't think she's being unreasonable, but, the point is , is she worth it? Does she have potential as a LTR, if not, I'd probably say, no, or tell her we are not committed,etc. I don't lie to them or lead them on, because I expect the same level of respect from them.
If you do think she has potential, I'd make known your expectations in the relationship, she may not go along with what you want, better to find out now.
If you give her a no, or not willing to commit, expect her to move on, she's pretty much spelling it out for you, ((other guys want to date me), etc. So, don't feel bad if she moves on, remember if you don't want to commit, it was because you didn't want to , she wasn't worth it. Nothing wrong with that.
benzino 2y ago
Yeah man. We do have sex very regularly and she says she's crazy about me. She has some red flags though so I'm being cautious. Perhaps waiting for a chance to peek through her messages and see what's up. I'm not ready to play the non-exclusive part yet because I'm quite possessive and it'd make me quite upset if I say no and she decides to go fuck someone else and be their gf
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2y ago
If you say no, and she goes and hits another guy that weekend, why would that bother you? It just proves you made a good choice.
If she has red flags, take your time. Let her know, you enjoy her, you want to get to know her better. Start explaining some of your expectations if you were to get into a LTR, do they have to do with her red flags for example? May as well start talking about it.
don't peek through her phone, you aren't committed. Whatever she's doing is not your business (yet).
whats your ages? Are you mid 20's or later? If yes, what are each of you looking for in a LTR? Are you both compatible.
but again, you mention red flags, how bad are they to you.
benzino 2y ago
You're right buddy. But it's still going to upset me. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't control it. Like I'm still blue pilled in some ways, or selfishly want this state of the relationship to last forever.
She has nose piercing and some daddy issues traits. I also suspect she lied to me about some stuff because some things she said were inconsistent but Im not sure about it. Hence I want to peek at her messages and make up my mind whether she's plate material or not. She's a student living away from home so some weeks she basically stays at my place. Im 30+ years old though and she's pretty and surrounded by young guys, hence I'm a bit insecure
Intrepid_Place53900 1 2y ago
lying and inconsistencies. About what topic? Remember, they all lie about past sexual history.
This is a prime example though, you consider lying disrespectful, as all should. This you have to set as an expectation. You don't get upset about it etc, you discuss with her at a neutral time, that , here are some expectations I have with a girl that I'd get into a LTR with.
No lying No gaslighting How you expect to be treated and so on.
You are a lot older than her (for your ages). Are you her sugar daddy? You spending anything on her?
Don't
Keep expenses separate, don't buy her things, don't pay for vacations, don't buy things (together). This way it's fully clear, you aren't a provider.
Also, hide your money, don't let her know what you make, what you have,etc. Same line of reasoning.
Back to the lying, if about sex. They all do, let her know lying is unacceptable, but don't ask her about it either. She's in college so she's had fun most likely, nothing you can do about that.
If you think you have to look at her phone , that's on you. But you have to realize, you aren't committed. Of course she has a few guys in the wings, they all do. She's looking for (your) commitment.
Is she worth it? Remember, you can always take it back. Sometimes girls attitudes shift real fast after the commitment, "I landed him, I don't have to try as hard now, phew". Yup, it was an act.
Once committed, sure, you have access to her phone is an expectation. She may not like that, so , there you go again. Got to set your expectations with her.
Good luck man