Long story short, LTR and I got into some heated arguments where I lost my cool and said some things to her that she didn’t like. We’ve been having a period for the past 2 days where she’s seemingly dwelling on it and that “she doesnt want to be with someone that is disrespectful towards her in the heat of the moment” and she says this has happened on numerous occasions.
Normally I’d go cold if she threatened a break up or if she gave me the silent treatment and within 6hours to half a day she’d come back and act like nothing happened.
Currently she’s being a bit colder than I’m used to. I call her every once in a while and play it cool while she’s saying things like “im processing things and deciding wether i want to continue or not” which is obvious beta bait and I doubt she means what she’s saying
Is it better to reach out intermittently and play it cool and act like I’m unphased and just enjoying myself. Or should I go cold and wait till she reaches out and snaps out of this phase.
As my friend has described to me. I’ve caused her hurt and pain with my consistent disrespect and trying to distance myself is only going to soldiy to her that I don’t care so she’s going to try to detach and move on.
What should I be doing right now?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
See my newest comment on other thread
But this sounds like a relationshit, not a relationship.
I'm looking at this as someone with zero investment in the relationship and it just looks awful
DastardlyCade 1y ago
I wouldn’t mind keeping her around as a STR rather than a LTR. I spin plates and talking to multiple woman and have potential replacements lined up.
But at the same time this is like a side project that im trying to revive on the side. My “disrespect” towards her might just be abundance mentality and a low tolerance for bullshit. But obviously if pushed too far that’s a plate tactic and causes Ltrs to break as you mentioned in your previous replies
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
I don't think you're thinking about this ltr very rationally. Your entire LTR has essentially been treated like an STR. This whole thing has been your short term relationship from the get go.
As you are literally saying you're gonna own your disrespect towards her you while you say you're spinning plates. This isn't how an LTR works unless you're up front about that tidbit and something tells me she doesn't know.
This ain't a relationship. Doesn't sound like it ever really was from these descriptions of it. I think you need to take a step back and figure out what you want from girls and stick with it. You're having your cake and eating it too all over the place
pfeilmacher 1y ago
Dump her, bro. Jesus. It sounds awful. Have some self respect.
Never argue with a woman.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
What sounds awful. Can you explain
Initial-Glove 1y ago
The whole thing. From start to finish.
Arguing isnt an LTR thing. LTRs dont argue. They dont get emotional and they dont get their feelings hurt and they dont feel disrespected.
You crawl back now, and she'll know she has you by the ballsack and you've 100% completely lost the frame. Its a wrap.
Block and delete. Dont call explaining that it wont work. Just go.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
Well I can’t really do that now. I’ve pulled back and ignored her for a few days and she’s blocked me everywhere.
Initial-Glove 1y ago
Then theres your answer.
Shes done.
Time to move on.
No-Stress-Cat 1y ago
Why are you arguing with a woman, especially to the point in which it becomes a heated argument? If a woman ever told me she was going to break up with me, it would have ended right there. Consistent disrespect? Is your "friend" a woman by chance? If it's a guy, is it his observation, or is it something she confided in him? So many questions here. It doesn't sound like you're the one in control of this relationship.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
She didn’t say she Was going to break up with me. She said that she was reminiscing the things I said and that she knows that’s not the type of behaviour she tolerates blah blah and that she was thinking she’d rather be signle or with someone else than tolerate it.
Normally I would’ve reacted and told her to fuck off but I didn’t want to continue the same cycle I just ignored what she was saying while taking responsibility for what I said . And now we haven’t really talked apart from the few times that I called her
Initial-Glove 1y ago
Stop calling her.
She wants to be single, let her.
Axlerod9999 1y ago
This is classic beta bait. You got to hold strong. Any weakness and youll forever become a beta bitch. You have to understand, the only way a relationship works in your favour is when its on your terms. Any other way and its a shit show for you and eventually she loses all respect for you. Here, shes going all in because she cant seem to tame you. She doesnt like you being unfazed in case she is threatening to break up. Shell potray it as "you dont care about the relationship". But if she did care she wouldnt be threatening to break up.
Wait. Let her "process". If she detaches, she was never LTR material and it would have happened eventually. Just dont try to "fix" it. Wont work and youll become a bitch.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
In the past whenever I acted unphased AND not contacted her she would come crawling back within the same day or next day. This this time around I’ve been the one to reach out first while acting unphased during conversation she is conflicted in terms of how much control and power she has. I’m guessing if I haven’t reached out so far I would’ve been in a much better position.
coolsocks00 1 1y ago
Key word of yours is "acting". Stop acting and start being.
Axlerod9999 1y ago
You have accidentally or willingly walked into her frame. She bitched and bitched about you not caring about the relationship and you gave in. What you should have done is what always worked. No matter what. You should have walked away. If she came back you had the power, if she didn't she didn't love you etc and who even wants her if she's willing to leave. You are trying to act cool. Don't. You should have immediately started hitting the gym, planning solo trips, hanging with friends and family and kept your phone away. What you did was wait for her and now you are fucked up.
Pro tip: get a dumb phone and give it's number only to your close friend and parents. Never to your gf or wife. In case of emotional shitshow, keep the phone away and take a break for a day or two.
DastardlyCade 1y ago
You are correct that in past arguments and “fake breakups” I would just ignore and she would come back. But it seems that me reaching out has emboldened her. She has gotten a bit closer with her cousin so now she also has someone to lean on and kill time with in my absence it seems.
In terms of the present I shouldn’t have reached out first and said we gotta talk or whatever. That has worked once before but I’ve said the same thing in terms of “disrespect” so I should’ve just ignored and rode the wave. Even me calling her afterwards to discuss Was probably a mistake
Axlerod9999 1y ago
Don't worry about it now. Even I have made this mistake with an ex. That's how we learn. Your ex is behaving exactly like my ex. In my case she wanted to get married to me. I kept postponing it since I wasn't too sure about her as a long-term partner. She nuked the relationship over something trivial. The she would call me and act all hurt and distraught. She would call me at 3 am in the night to accuse me of causing her pain by not proposing. She would swear her undying love and that she will forever be alone.
I fell for this beta bait. Told her let's work it out. She said no. Then as soon as I would drift away she would lay a bait for me. Let's meet/let's talk/let's grab brunch. Now i was the bitch. Walking, living, breathing on her terms. She could use me as an emotional tampon. When I finally got fed up and asked her to let me know how she felt, she completely ended things. But wait, she still kept calling me and kept acting all hurt. So i finally went back to my roots and ghosted her. No reply to msgs or calls. She even sent her friend to my house. I didn't let him in.
Kept calling me 3-4 times every month.
This is the same girl who threatened to kill herself if i didn't take her back a year ago. Created huge drama after i blocked her for 2 weeks.
Actions not words. When i ghost her she calls me many times. When i grovel she doesn't even receive my phone call or answer msgs.
Go with what works even if it ends things. The other way will certainly end it.