Hi all. I will try to keep this intro summary short. But I am very much seeking advice from red pill guys as this question is to do with LTR dynamics and moving forwards in a LTR. I know LTR's aren't everyone's cup of tea but yeah I'm in one and it has worked for me well so far.
Me and my girlfriend have been in a LTR for 2 years and 6 months. We are both 30. We do not live together. No kids. The relationship as a whole has been great.
We broke up at 2 years and 5 months and spent 4 weeks apart. We had been often arguing about petty shit and not letting each other speak or explain themselves. At times we said some pretty mean shit and neither of us wanted to apologize. I was jealous and she was too. Our intimacy dwindled and we became distant from each other. I can honestly say we pushed each other away. We are both very stubborn and like to 'win' in that sense. I told her we need time apart to breathe and she agreed. I know it might sound ridiculous but we truly did push each other away. It was surprising to look back and realize that. It was nasty and I think we both truly felt that this was possibly over at this point. Emotions were high.
She reached out to me and told me "I've been miserable without you. I'm sorry for being so dismissive. I don't know how but we need to talk and address the things that pushed us apart. I'm sorry. You really hurt me with some things you said (I did say some fucked up things tbh) and I was considering just walking away. But ultimately I know I fucked up too and I want to be with you."
I just told her I'd visit her and we could have a open chat about this shit and we did. I went to her house and we both aired out a lot. It was hard to hear of shit I did or said because it was all true. I also put a lot on her to remind her of what she had been saying and doing and acting at times. We agreed that we want to be with each other and that we need to communicate better and not just try to 'win' or shut down completely and not speak.
Fast forward 3 days and we have slept together a few times and seen each other twice and I can immediately tell that things are better. We are communicating so much better. She's excited and I feel good. I think to myself ok dude this is a good thing, life is short, let's see where it goes?
She tells me that 6 days after we separated she purchased 2 tickets to attend this professional male strip show (they don't get nude, but down to a g string) to go with her mother (who is single) because she told me "At that time to be honest I was just wanting to switch off and forget everything, I was not in a good way at all". I told her that I'm generally uncomfortable with her going to it as we are together but that the choice is hers.
The show is planned for 10 days from now.
So it turns out that, and she showed me this proof from a receipt, that the tickets she purchased were $130 ($260 for both) and that she had already booked accommodation for this night as well and paid a deposit for that as well. And that her mother took planned time off work to go with her. I pretty much told her that I'm not wanting her to go cause it's disrespectful to me.
Truth be told I was NOT in a good way either so this is where I understand her desire to just get out of her head. Like I went out with a buddy twice and got drunk and hit the dance floor and grinded on some chicks and then a few nights later (2 weeks after we split) I visited an escort for 2hrs and it was great. I feel like shit myself but she doesn't have to know these things obviously.
My mental situation is this. I can understand logically that she bought her $130 ticket 6 days after we had somewhat broken up (we didn't know what it was I guess) and that she was (as was I) wanting to just get out of her head. The ticket IS non refundable as I looked this up. She also booked a hotel and had to pay a modest deposit that is also non refundable. And on top of this her mother bought a ticket as well and planned to take time off work to go with her. - In this scenario I think ok fair enough, go ahead and enjoy your show. And that I would just say to her "Don't do anything I wouldn't approve of, enjoy" and leave it at that.
However,
That part of me that feels like what she is wanting to do is trashy and that I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who does this? But then I do feel that I do trust her and considering the above logistics how could they not go? I'd be seen as a possessive needy boyfriend if I try to explain why my feelings would not agree with her going?
I told her that if she had asked me if she could go or told me she was going to a show like this WHILE we were definitely together that I would have said NO and that if she didn't respect that I'd leave and walk away.
She said "I understand that I do. Please know I do. But this situation is fucked all round like what should I do? I didn't know what we were doing and I know you didn't either. I never slept with anyone when we were apart and I wish you would just trust me to go to this show and not think I am being slutty. I'm loyal to you only. I wanted to have a fun night out with my mom. That's all. Like, it's all booked now so idk what to tell you. I understand your frustration but yeah you need to see it from my view as well.."
I have left her on read to the above message and now I'm just in this mental state of FUCK. Like I get her perspective but I don't know how to proceed. Am I cucking myself if I let her go? Like, she WILL be going regardless because it's not like I can stop her or even want to try stop her like it's her choice.
Does this all boil down to trust?
What questions should I be asking myself about this?
I'm seeing her in 7 hours and wanted to get advice if possible.
HardTruth 3y ago
I think I vomited a little in my mouth from reading all this
mattyanon Admin 3y ago
Read up about "sunk cost fallacy".
Tell her that if she wanted to be with you, she wouldn't even want to go to this show. Say it three times. Tell her "it's your choice".
delesseyM 3y ago
Fuck her roughly and then tell her you don't want your gf going to a strip club. She's free to go but if she goes it's over, you're out. If she yells you go no contact. That's why you fuck her roughly first lol. Don't care about the money is her problem, her mom can give the ticket to a friend.
[deleted] 3y ago
[--removed--]
seekingsmart29 3y ago
I left a long reply lower to horse2021. But yeah look I have researched the venue and it is actually an upmarket joint. It's not a strip club with men it's a "live male stage performance venue". It seems that the only time women get up on stage and get grinded on (like in a magic mike scenario) is if the people in question have paid a modest amount more to partake in this as an 'extra'. The only other close interactions the crowd of women have with these male performers are from topless male waiters who bring around finger food and bottles of water.
I'm not saying it's tame but my girlfriend didn't buy any vip extra shit so she's just going to be a crowd observer.
Suppose it boils down to trust. I do trust her but yeah as a guy you have doubt / uncomfortableness..
As I replied below I will see what happens lol. YOLO. If it doesn't work out then on to the next.
NeoSpartan 3y ago
Damn, no idea. That sucks bro. Probably not a girl youre gonna wanna waste 2 more years or more of your life with if her idea of fun is grinding on male prostitutes tho... But idk, just going off what I skimmed from your very long post.
Impressive-Cricket-8 3y ago
Can't she offer her place to one of her mom's friends? Can't she sell the tickets and instead go for a tour around the city with her mom? Or couldn't she offer you to get another hotel room and tour the city with her while her mom goes with a friend to the show? Or sell the tickets and the stay on craigslist and take a spa day with mom (thus spending time together doing chick stuff)?
It looks like she hasn't put any thought on alternatives; she want's to go and is doing her best to plead her case in a way that makes you ok with that. Kinda manipulative, if you ask me. But you shouldn't say you can't go; it'll draw the responsibility of the decision to you. Instead, tell her that you're quite uncomfortable with her going to that place while in a relationship, and watch her. If she goes, you've got your answer.
Terra 3y ago
On top of that
It is really easy to ask a guy: "honey Bunny" what should I do? And apply.
I.don't think many men experienced this kind of behaviour. I barely remember myself, but well this shit is real. Woouldnt man wanted to be asked in that sweet little voice?
Nah, I'm empowered, I know what to do.
Another sad story.
Terra 3y ago
Dont go into feels
You're not frustrated, you have requirements for ltr and standards.
Its not fucked situation. Its simple, money vs you.
You cant reasonably Believe her did she sleep around or not, but she values your comm8tment at less than $260 now. Conver to plate if you can if she goes, or give it a trial and risk your time and selfesteem if you wont apply any consequences.
whytehorse2021 3y ago
I don't know if I'm too late but this is what makes LTRs hard and why most don't last. My wife and I have had our differences but we learned to compromise and work things out. She has stupid things she's adamant about(like not eating pork) so we work out a way to make it work for both of us. If your woman can't or won't make it work for both of you, then what happens in the future when something else comes up? Perhaps you should explain to her that men are evolved to be repulsed by promiscuous women and that by her going she is making you repulsed.
seekingsmart29 3y ago
Hmm. Yeah I hear you and I agree. As others have pointed out it is a tough dilemma. I told her this morning in person after staying at her house that "I want you to know that I understand that you have already bought non-refundable tickets, paid a deposit on accommodation, and taken planned time off work to go as has your mum, so go, go and enjoy the show, but don't do anything you know I wouldn't be comfortable with. And, in the future, there will be no more shows, I am not comfortable with you going to any more of these sorts of things and that's all I want to say about that".
She just stared at me for a few moments and I said "Do we understand each other?" and she just said "Yes" and I said "Sure?" and she said "Yes, I understand".
Then I said to her "Ok good. I won't bring this up again and that's now sorted" and she agreed.
If her behavior changes in time after this event and I feel shit happened then what can I do? accuse her? then I will look like a needy beta. If I tell her YOU CANT GO then it's the same and issues will arise as a result.
I think I'm just going to back off a bit mentally from this whole situation and focus on myself more. I already did but yeah I feel my focus has mentally been on this situation since she told me.
The bottom line is if she tries twisting my arm in the future about going to this event or a similar event again I will just calmly remind her of our conversation and that's that.
If she is intent on crossing this boundary then that is when I will highly likely leave this LTR and take it as a big learning experience.
whytehorse2021 3y ago
Up to you. I'd be disgusted by that behaviour.
nodaysoff 3y ago
You posted this about a week ago. You post this again here because you didn't like the responses. Well, those are truths.
You are a feminine guy and you are pushed really deep into your emotions. If you are new to redpill, read the sidebar, pdf format, search it on duckduckgo redpill sidebar asktrp.
You are hamstering around avoiding the truth and reality. How can you accept, as a man, that your woman has gone to see, WITH HER MOTHER, degenerate hoe, naked ultra chads swinging their dicks in their face?
The Western males are pathetic and do not have any chance. You are too demoralized to even consider MENTAL POINT OF ORIGIN and disconsider scarcity mindset.
You do not have a purpose or a plan in your life. Your purpose and plan revolved around her.
The truth is you will never be unplugged in regards to the reality of the world, because you simply cannot accept simple facts.
Men love to complicate their lives and justify why they do it.
Until you will become CHAD, you will never accept the reality, because you will be blinded by the matrix that is a woman. You do not know what their nature is and what they actually do, because you never experienced it. You were never the guy that "just got it". Genuine Desire is the word.
This applies to all the guys that come here and shit post, not even reading 5 pages of the sidebar, but somehow expect to be fucking coached like a 5yr old. Bitch ass men.
You should WATCH a woman's ACTIONS, NOT always LISTEN to what she SAYS. In this case, she did the exact opposite. She said oh babbby I'm sorry blablalbalbalbal but it's already booked. MOTHERFUCKER a booked venue is more important than you. Can't you fucking see that? She went there anyway, disregarding your word and the consequences that you told her.
You didn't act on what you said, and she saw that. This LTR will never work.