Gf flaked 3 times in a row.
Yesterday I dumped her, told her i wanted to be single again. Wish her the best.
She wrote me back: What? Are you serious?
I chose to ignore that response, refusing to give closure, although im sure its fairly obvious why. I didnt want to pull the trigger on such a Good LTR otherwise, but some others in my old thread were saying that maybe she needed some space and there was miscommunication.
I am not taking back my decision, but i am wondering if i can just tell her its a 1-2 month break, we should see other people. Or is it too late for that? Technically I can write her back still, it hasnt been 24 hours. I just need to be careful to not give closure. I notice she hasnt blocked me, she is a bit of a drama queen and blocked me last time we broke up very briefly a long time ago.
I am starting to think, based off replies off the other thread, that maybe she was genuinely mourning the loss of her grandma and cat, and I just blew up the situation because of miscommunication.
I could have asked if she just needed space to mourn or if she was blowing me off (in other words ofc). And maybe the "ill let you know" was not a rejection but because she genuinely didnt know at that moment due to her feeling super depressed.
She used to post things every other day on Instagram and snapchat, but she has been a ghost on it since her grandma died. Literally no activity in 3 weeks. She even deleted her profile photo when it happened, she is a bit of an attention seeker with that, but i know when she does that she is really sad and apparently wants people to know (just usual girl behavior).
I cant stop thinking about how she hasnt been cold to me, no fighting, no sex withdrawal, maybe i got offended from the flaking when i shouldve dug deeper into asking if she needed space to mourn.
I figure since i havent responded back yet, i can still twist the situation into a break. I dont care if she fucks other guys, im not jealous or insecure and im expecting it, but i will be fucking other women too, and i do want to see this relationship play out more in the future, but just not now.
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bymxco 2y ago
I started the break though, im fucking other girls. Im not jealous. The "break" is basically no different than being with a plate. Theyre fucking others. Also, its different when a girl recommends the break, thats a biig red flag.
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Skev77 2y ago
Yea I remember your last post. I think your feelings are in this, especially because you just broke up with her; your all over the place. To the point you lowkey sounds like a chick. (This is normal after an emotional brake up, I’m not poking fun at you).
All I can offer is If I break up w a chick it’s over, no breaks, no time outs etc.
bymxco 2y ago
Yeah only because she was a Good LTR otherwise, and maybe i overreacted to the flaking. And i wasnt technically disrespected, just having second thoughts is all.
Its very easy to dump a girl after extreme disrespect / cheating. Thats not the case here. Ive spun plates my whole life, been with 60+ n-count (thats not super high) but its enough to know shes better than most of those women, not in a oneitis way but just some women are better in attitude/sex/personality, its a fact.
Its basically just the thought of me abandoning a Good LTR if she was depressed and in mourning, is all.
Skev77 2y ago
Your a man and made your decision, now you gotta deal with it. Maybe find some mistakes if any and move on bro. This would be a great time to focus on your purpose (school, work, hobbies etc)
bymxco 2y ago
Thanks I already am. And I can quickly build a rotation, but i hate spinning plates, i like intimacy that comes from LTR's.
Its like wasting time courting pretty women and then finding out their pussy is trash after you fuck. Despite them looking amazing with clothes. Its like digging thru the trash and hoping you find a gem.
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coolsocks00 1 2y ago
If she knows you blocked her and you're gonna unblock her that's pretty much an instant loss of frame. You should have been more clear with her and laid out your expectations. That would have given you better info on her state. But she was, and still is, taking up much more space in your head than she should. So the break up is probably good for you either way.
Not giving closure, blocking and deleting, is fine if you just want to stick it to a chick or simply get her out of your life. But if you're suffering just as much from not having closure then fucking do something about it. You're not a robot, and obviously are over-invested. Just unblock and tell her that yes, you are serious. You expect more from your girlfriend. No explanations, just a communication of desires and expectations. Have understanding of her situation but dont let a girl start negotiating your expectations.
bymxco 2y ago
I did prod one last time, she re-iterated that she was very sad. Im not sure if that means "Im depressed and need space to grief" in girl talk. It just sounded like an excuse at the time and like i was being blown off. Girls are never direct about rejecting men, right?
She should have been more clear, i should have asked if that meant she needed space. There is def some miscommunication, but maybe in her eyes she thinks i should have understood what that meant.
I dont need closure, i just want to make sure i didnt misread the situation entirely. The only excuse i would take her back would be if she was legitimately grieving. Anything other than that, i feel that it was the right move because there is no relationship without seeing each other. I will never be faded into an exclusive orbiter that texts her validation and comfort and doesnt meet up lmao. I had to dump her out of self respect at the time with the information i had. But maybe it was premature.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
I said this as an alternative solution to breaking up with her and the community down-voted me. I'm pretty sure my comment is in the negatives
You were pretty dead set on fucking other chicks and didn't seem like you had the headspace or LTR mindset to be in a LTR so it didn't seem like you should have been in that one to be honest.
There's no coming back from this. You were adamant about plowing through her grief period with taking it personally and ending things
There's no break etc. Any semblance of LTR comfort there was is gone. You wanted to fuck other chicks and next your girl. I do think part of her flakiness was because of the plate game instead of sympathy
I'm gonna get down-voted again but oh well. LTR game is not the same as what most of what is talked about on here. You need to have the social intelligence necessary to navigate LTR obstacles
Edit: to answer the title of your question, if you want closer sure. I don't think she deserved the block and ghost. Might as well get closure for yourself, this obviously bugged you for about 5 posts of updates so it might be worth it for you to close this one out
bymxco 2y ago
To be fair I didnt want to end things, she just wasnt available to me. I had almost no choice but to end things, because then i would become a validation orbiter who not only is giving her attention but exclusivity. It was only after that other people here in the community were playing devils advocate that she most likely is grieving and its not personal. That was not advice i was receiving before, everyone was saying break up.
I should have dug deeper, gathered more info. I did try but not enough. The "Ill let you know" hurt though, and most likely pushed me to end it there. After 3-4 flakes, anything but a "Yes" is a No in girl speak. Even bluepillers know thats a rejection line. She should also have some blame in the situation for not clarifying she needed space (if she does), although as a leader of the relationship you have to take all the blame.
And i read your other comment, you are most likely right, that she wasnt love bombing me but did feel some attraction from the soft next and it wasnt beta bait.
Im going to shoot one more shot (maybe) and its going to be: "You wouldnt let me be there for you. You pushed me away. If you needed space to grieve thats all you needed to tell me"
I know generally saying "You, You, You" is bad for conflicts and especially breakups but it is technically true and i think it cuts through any confusion on both sides to the meat of the issue.
Its not really blaming her but just her reaction to the situation and why i had to do what i did. Im not 100% sure if i will reach out yet, i will maybe wait for her to reach back out to me.
I want to clarify that im not having second thoughts on breaking up in general. The only exception would be that I misread the situation and she was grieving, then i made a mistake and thats the only condition i would take her back. But if she flaked from a rejection or spite or anything but grieving, then i stand on my decision.
I know it makes me look weak to backpedal, but it is what it is. Everyone here was telling me to break up, and I felt the same at the time. No one really shed light on grieving until after. Except you, I believe before.
Theres the chance that shes not grieving and im being played, too. In which case the break up is 100% the right move.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
I still think you overreacted initially. My money is that things would not have been like this if you hadn't nexted her a week into her grandma dying. I think that's a reach and her chronic flaking was both grief and you bailing for a week when she didn't want you to get upset
Maybe I was wrong but I'm a trauma psych researcher and death etc can really impact people in different ways. She ONLY started flaking after grandmother died.
Kinda sounds like 2 and 2 = 4 to me and that there really wasn't anything else to it.
Also, from your texts she speaks Spanish correct? Is family not a HUGE aspect culturally in Spanish speaking cultures? I'd imagine her grandmother's death had far greater impact than in more Western cultures
So you think she waited 9/10 months for something shitty like her grandma dying as an excuse to start getting distant? Seems like you weren't getting played and I still think nexting her for a week when she took up a shift at work hurt you and started a domino effect. I think you played yourself if I'm being honest.
Grief can kill libido and everything. I don't know why you're expecting to be a horny slut that's available to you when she's grieving. If she only started flaking after the death, I'm kinda just putting 2 and 2 together.
I think this could have been handled drastically different from the start. You can't expect a girl to stay the exact same after something like that, especially when you're throwing fuel onto the fire yourself
It REALLY sounds like this should have ended though, I do not think you have the right mindset for an LTR and are trying to score too many Chad points to be in one successfully. You're very preoccupied with not being an orbiter etc to not see the forest for the trees. There is a lot of ego and self-protection in the way you handled this from start to finish and I think you engaged in self-fulfilling prophecy
You tried so hard not to be a beta orbiter that now you're going to unblock a former LTR in hopes of possibly maintaining something. It's quite ironic how the pendulum swung back at you. I'm not trying to be funny, that's my objective interpretation of this scenario
bymxco 2y ago
Before I go into next convo, let me say that I didnt want to give closure, so i tried to prod for more info while still standing firm on the break up while not giving closure (maybe i did).
I responded to her "Are you serious?"
Me: Yes, you wouldnt let me be there for you. You pushed me away.
Her: Dont walk away. I told you, i am the same as you. I am hard to love. I need a lot of attention, show me
i dont like this response, is she trying to turn me into a orbiter here, or is she telling me she needs attention from a distance as shes coping? One consistent trend of fights in our relationship has been that she needed more attention from me
Me: Are you grieving?
Her: Yes a lot :(
Me: If you needed space to grieve, you couldnt tell me that?
Her: Yes, I know. But its very hard for me to do.
I havent replied yet. I didnt like that response, and my words werent perfect but they were direct.
Weve had minor fights in the past that we are both hard to love and understand. so she brought that up. She also didnt technically bring up that shes grieving, i had framed it for her to say yes, but she wouldnt do it earlier. I dont like how she said "i need attention from you, show me"... I cannot tell if she is turning me into an orbiter/omega beta with that one. Or if she needs me to be there for her from a distance.
She also admitted that "its very hard for her to do that" as in tell me she needed space in those words. I think thats what it meant. Is that genuine in grief? I know its hard to admit, but it sounds like i gave her an easy out to rope me for more attention, i really am not sure.
I really cannot tell if im being played here , man. Is she slow fading me into an orbiter? I heard slow fading is what shes doing, they deny everything, even say they love you, but refuse to meet up and will tell you whatever it is to keep you on their curtail and hope you get a clue. Apparently "slow fading" is a term i wasnt aware of
It sounds like i can get back with her but were back at base 1, i dont want to wait for her to play me (potentially) and string me along again. If she is indeed, using me for validation without meeting up and not legitimately grieving.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
You could probably take her back since it's been 3 days ish and not necessarily long enough to be "officially broken up".
But then again man, it's never gonna be the same.
She sounds high maintenance from the "tough to love" remark. I don't know you two's dynamic or what went into your initial early relationship conversations about being "tough to love".
Once you or a girl breaks up with you it's fundamentally a different relationship man. This is always going to be a sticking point if you get back together. She will ALWAYS remember that you broke up with her while her grandma died
I think you need to be single honestly and re-evaluate how you approach future LTRs. I do not see this LTR working out for you.
You seem to have a very black and white view of how to respond to women and that won't fly in an LTR. I think you should just let it be
bymxco 2y ago
Yeah I dont know what to even write back now. Im going to let that one sit for a bit.
The "tough to love" isnt literal, its a spanish phrase for "I dont know how to love you" or "You are complicated to understand" "I dont understand how to love you". Maybe my soft nexts and breakup made me seem super cold and inconsistent with the comfort test after and then sudden break up, made me seem hard to read and unpredictable/cold. Or it could just be bullshit.
I didnt really like her response fully, Im scared that if I were to take her back in the future, she will use that "I need more attention" line to turn me into a validation orbiter that is giving her attention and receiving no sex, while she is piping Chad if she is indeed flaking on me for any mischevious reasons other than what i believe to be as grandma/cat related. I understand i would have to trust her one last time, and if/when i realize ive been played, i can leave with a clean conscience. But i think as you said, people in grief can react strangely, and i have to give the benefit of the doubt here, you can only take people at their word until proven otherwise, especially if they have deserved that right.
How can I word my response so that if I were to consider even getting back with her, she would need to show me shes serious about meeting up soon, and that i wont wait forever and be strung along for weeks/months. Without giving an ultimatum either "Im giving you 2 weeks to X" or whatever, as thats a weak move and not how you deal with someone grieving. Also Without sounding too "plate game", more LTR polished.
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
What do you want to happen, within the bound of possibility?
I don't think so..... she was being unreasonably distant, and the cat thing didn't quite make sense either.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Yeah just don't communicate with her. It's not like communication is important in an LTR.