Long story short she cancelled because of work 2 weeks ago. Apologized profusely, didnt offer a reschedule. I gave her some space to reach back out (soft next), she messaged me about 5 days later sad and sulking that I "ignored" her apology. I messaged a few days later, she told me she loves me, loves being with me, etc.
I reciprocated because she has been a solid LTR (besides the flakes) and I thought we were making up from the soft next. To be clear I soft next'd this time because this was the second flake in the past 5 times ive seen her. I was willing to forgive her after this. So We were texting per normal, the convo was a very good exchange of flirting, emojies, high interest instant texting and enthusiasm.
The next day I set up a date, her response was not a Yes or No, but that she told me her cat got lost, she is super sad etc. I offered to help her out, and she didnt reply at all to my offer to help. At that moment I realized this was one of those BIZARRE excuses that women blurt out.
The next day came around, and we were quickly approaching on flake #2 back to back. At this point i havent seen her in almost 3 weeks. She updated her profile to a photo of her cat. I gave the benefit of the doubt, that maybe the cat was actually lost, but thats no excuse to leave her boyfriend on read after not seeing him. A lot of people were telling me to break up with her here, and i knew i had to, but i decided to give her a last chance as her grandma passed away 2 weeks ago, and apparently lost her cat yesterday. I wanted to feel out the situation to prod for more information before dumping her, for my own conscience.
I told her that "It doesnt feel like were in a relationship." She instantly apologized and told me her family was in town (I think bc her grandma passed) , shes so sad from the cat. ---- for some context I believe her family was really in town this past weekend, she used trickle truth. Why? It was a holiday weekend and i think she was using this as an excuse.
I replied she needs to make it up to me, she said "Of course. You are my love" bunch of lovey emojies
I told her "Tell me when you're free"
She replied with "Yes of course. Ill let you know. I cannot stand the urge to kiss you all over and xxxxx"
She started toying with me. So I told her that "We are over. I want to be single again. I wish you the best."
She replied "What? Are you serious?"
And I didnt reply then deleted her number. Didnt wanna give closure. Even though im sure its quite obvious why
Guys my LTR literally pulled the 3 flake "Ill let you know" card on me, the disrespect and the cherry of disrespect with the sext which was obviously beta bait to make me chase. She was never big on sexting, so i saw it as incongruent.
Did I overreact? We have never fought before, she never disrespected me in person, she was submissive, never withdrew sex. But she flaked 3 times in a row and hit me with the "Ill let you know" to make it sting.
I had to dig deep to give her a fair last chance to give a good excuse and reschedule, and she decided to shit on it and use that last opportunity to toy with me like a simp. (Ill let you know + cant wait to ffuck you babe in other words)
Does "Ill let you know" have a different meaning in a LTR compared to the casual dater where its obviously blowing you off.
I feel pretty good now, but maybe the high will wear off and ill feel shit tomorrow. But I do feel a little bad she lost her grandma, cat, and boyfriend in a 2 week span.
There is the very slim chance the "Ill let you know" was genuine but i know 99% of the time its not. Its my LTR, she basically has a fairly flexible schedule, she makes it, and occasionally she does get called in. So i knew it was bs.
Edit: She changed her profile photo to a pic of her cat (to convince me hes really lost) and posted a photo of her and her mom at the restaurant eating dinner (to convince me shes really in town) within 1 minute of my break-up text. She hasnt posted for weeks. Sounds like she doesnt think i believed her and it was an excuse, trying to convince me to not break up, but still blew me off....?
Hanscheezburger 1y ago
You did the right thing. It's very cunty to ignore someone who's offered you help, especially when it's your bf.
If she wanted to be alone, she could have told you.
You will find someone better. On to the next and dont jump into LTRs
[deleted]
bymxco 1y ago
She kept emphasizing she was sad two or three times when i pushed to meetup since the cat story. Do you think that could mean depressed?
Maybe that was her way of asking to be alone? Shes never told me she was sad before as an excuse, so maybe im just reading too much into it.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
A 10 month LTR is a high priority. She knows when she's free. I'm a bit on the fence about her behavior with all the stuff that has happened in the past week or two, but it's highly unusual that she didn't want her BF to console her or anything through that.
A lot of girls would want their LTR by their side through all of that. It's very odd that she didn't.
She's knows when she's free. That's the bottom line. She could have looked up when she's free if she actually didn't know (which I doubt) and instead of saying "I'll let you know" actually told you when.
Like come on. When a girl I like wants to do something with me, I know exactly when I'm free. I don't think you had to block her. I think you could have just broken up and fucked the other chicks. But I'm also personally not a blocker so I'm biased
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Sounds like poor communication on both your parts. Grow up.
bymxco 1y ago
"Ill let you know" is almost 100% of the time a 'no'. For a girlfriend to not see you for 3 weeks, and give anything but a Yes to meetup in 3 attemps, is no longer a relationship.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
"I need solid dates and times otherwise I'm going to make plans with someone else" is how to communicate.
bymxco 1y ago
Right, at that point I felt like I was not getting the "hint". Do you genuinely think she was depressed and needed space? She couldve used those words instead of "Im sad" with crying emojis, however its too late for that and unlikely she was so depressed she didnt want to see her own boyfriend.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
You could just ask her. This whole problem is you two not communicating. She has an excuse, you don't.
bymxco 1y ago
Before I go into next convo, let me say that I didnt want to give closure, so i tried to prod for more info while still standing firm on the break up while not giving closure (maybe i did).
I responded to her "Are you serious?" in response to my break up
Me: Yes, you wouldnt let me be there for you. You pushed me away.
Her: Dont walk away. I told you, i am the same as you. I am hard to love. I need a lot of attention, show me
i dont like this response, is she trying to turn me into a orbiter here, or is she telling me she needs attention from a distance as shes coping? One consistent trend of fights in our relationship has been that she needed more attention from me
Me: Are you grieving?
Her: Yes a lot :(
Me: If you needed space to grieve, you couldnt tell me that?
Her: Yes, I know. But its very hard for me to do.
I havent replied yet. I didnt like that response, and my words werent perfect but they were direct.
Weve had minor fights in the past that we are both hard to love and understand. so she brought that up. She also didnt technically bring up that shes grieving, i had framed it for her to say yes, but she wouldnt do it earlier. I dont like how she said "i need attention from you, show me"... I cannot tell if she is turning me into an orbiter/omega beta with that one. Or if she needs me to be there for her from a distance.
She also admitted that "its very hard for her to do that" as in tell me she needed space in those words. I think thats what it meant. Is that genuine in grief? I know its hard to admit, but it sounds like i gave her an easy out to rope me for more attention, i really am not sure.
I really cannot tell if im being played here , man. Is she slow fading me into an orbiter? I heard slow fading is what shes doing, they deny everything, even say they love you, but refuse to meet up and will tell you whatever it is to keep you on their curtail and hope you get a clue. Apparently "slow fading" is a term i wasnt aware of
whytehorse2021 1y ago
It's probably normal given her situation. My guess is she has been dealing with family funerals and what not. Probably not thinking much about anything or anyone else. Maybe just head over and talk about stuff. Get some intimacy. You'll have to just lead and drag her out of the dump.
bymxco 1y ago
I tried meeting up multiple times. At this point it looks like shell get back with me, but i risk never meeting up and her getting one last validation from me.
She hasnt met up before, how can i get her to "prove" shes serious, shes not giving me a timeline. Just said il llet you know.
whytehorse2021 1y ago
It's called a compliance test. I don't understand why you can't just go over to her house...
tenfour 1y ago
You did the hardest thing to do.
Being real if you didn't develop oneitis you could plate her but if you did or you feel attachment, you will move on faster and better without her.
bymxco 1y ago
How could I plate her if she wasnt meeting up? Its possible that she would have eventually if i pushed harder, but at this point i couldnt stand another week of disrespectful flaking from a LTR. Each week that goes by i would be losing self-respect, she would be losing respect the harder I tried. I had to dig very deep to give one more chance, just give her a longer leash than normal because she earned it as a good LTR prior. And the context of losing her grandma and cat, i gave the benefit of the doubt that maybe she needed space.
tenfour 1y ago
You have a point of course and managing this is not worth if you have other options and respect for yourself is dealbreaker.
You could stop the contact [no: we're finished speech] and wait for her to turn up, show her no respect, fuck and ask to go right away after letting her know to text you 1h before including slutty outfit for visit coming next time, giving no warranties you will reply or whatever.
You got to have right state of mind for that [probably dark triad] and if it wouldn't come naturally soon it would be a heavy cope.
Hanscheezburger 1y ago
By plating, you would just cease interaction. Stop meeting her and remove your attention. Just like you would a plate.
You should just consider if this behavior will continue in the future or whether it's better to stop being exclusive. Why be in a LTR if it gives more trouble in the long run and you could find better?
hannulv 1y ago
Women go through a cycle of valuing comfort more than dominance every month. Ultimately, she was feeling very comfortable with you to act this way which meant that she was no longer having anxiety about losing you. For a lot of LTR, its going to depend on factors like how serious you are and how well you know each other and shit, how much you value the relationship, how much value she adds, etc.. Girls get depressed too, and don't always feel horny and desperate to perform depraved sex acts. For us though, variety is king, and unless she's adding amazing value to your life it is much nicer to move on to someone new than to make a degrading relationship perform.
At the end of the day, an LTR situation means that you are giving her the key to your chastity girdle, which is the only bargaining chip a man has. If you can't trust her with that, it is best to not be exclusive to her. That said, it is possible to be too alpha. Being too alpha means providing zero comfort, especially when life events happen. Only you can really sus out whether grandma dying was giving her the mopes, and the cat set it off. It might of been more of an existential crisis set off by the cat (i.e. i can't even take care of a fucking cat). Any pure alpha approach will struggle to sustain any LTR. Pure alpha doesn't even want exclusivity to begin with, and the required comfort is never there.
Personally, if she provided value, and I enjoyed her company, I wouldn't have gone off a text. I'd have shown up with a half-bag of skittles and a wildflower to cheer her up and sus her out. The more important thing is to not tie your self-respect to a woman's actions. Girls are like teenagers, they will all disappoint you at some time. The question is whether she's crossing a hard boundary. If its a hard boundary, then drop the hammer. It sounds like you weren't sure. If she was going through shit, a gentle touch is sometimes more effective at setting expectations. I have sisters and daughters and wives and I can promise I've seen girls flake on shit they really wanted to do, sometimes multiple times because they were feeling low. Obviously your spidey-sense is the most important arbiter of the situation, but a flake from a serious LTR, going through something isn't the same thing as with a girl you just met.
[deleted]
bymxco 1y ago
Now that its over, i am starting to think that maybe she was depressed and needed space, just didnt use those words, instead used "Im sad". Depression and isolation can be hard to admit (but its unlikely this was her reality since its extreme)
Idk man, then the question is why wouldnt she want her boyfriend to be with her. Im just reflecting on the relationship and there were no bad fights or signs of a dying relationship, thats the only reason why i think maybe she was super depressed and didnt want to admit it.
The chances of this is 10% however. Most girlfriends who deal with death or dying dog, are able to function with their boyfriends despite the turmoil. So, that was a red flag.