But no reschedule. The apology was very long and it seemed she was open to meeting up again. But there was no reschedule. Im aware that there is ALWAYS a "sincere" excuse/apology when girls flake.
How am i supposed to differentiate between that and being blown off by my gf? She didnt give me a reschedule. I havent spoken to her in a week now, on Saturday midnight she texted me that I forgot about her, with a sad sulken emoji face. I ignored that one too.
Wtf?
All she had to do was offer a reschedule, show some action not some fluff. She gave me a seemingly genuine sob story apology with a sad face. Am I being a dick or am I righteous in ignoring her for a week for this?
For context, this is the 3rd flake in the past 4 months, but we normally hang out 3-4 times a week.
Am I punishing her for not doing anything wrong? I have thought about it this week, and technically she was really sorry, and now im thinking she cant really apologize again because she already did, leaving us at a stalemate? Theres really not much she can say on text after an apology, generally.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
You hang out 48-64 times per 4 months and 3 out of 48-64 times is this distressing? Are her flakes legitimate?
Your post entirely leaves out what the plans were, what her excuse was, and without that info, it's a bit hard to assess how much, if at all, of a transgression this was
We need more info. It sounds like she flakes on you 5% of the time statically. Besides that, do you two routinely communicate well or are you usually trying to guess what each other is thinking. Being in an LTR requires reasonable communication
bymxco 1y ago
Its been like 2 flakes out of 6, recently.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Still, you're leaving out what the plans were and the reasons she gave. Which also makes me think you're leaving out other important details
bymxco 1y ago
The plans were her coming over for movie night 10pm. 5 hours before she told me the old classic "Work called me in im so sorry its last minute baby, I wasnt planning on it I swear. I have to go because Im the shift manager and they called me an hour ago. Please dont get mad"
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Do you have a history of losing frame and getting mad? I don't want to make assumptions but that response leads me to think she had to avoid a bad response from you. I can't imagine a girl sending that to a guy with high frame
bymxco 1y ago
The very first time she flaked was when we were casually dating before any type of feelings/exclusiveness was involved. I literally next'ed her for a few weeks on accident, due to me spinning other plates. Didnt reply and just did my thing after, no butthurt reply or anything.
Second time she offered a reschedule. I was fair about it. This was when we were starting to get more serious.
Now is the third time. Theres no past history of me losing frame over a flake. Because its the second time in a few weeks time, and no reschedule, is my issue here.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Okay, well in this case I do think you are justified in being ticked off, but if it was work-related then you probably are overreacting.
I think based on her wording you failed a partial comfort test by ignoring it. It's shitty but do you think women are smart enough to understand that it's the lack of reschedule and not flake that you're mad about?
She seemed actually concerned you'd be upset and then you confirmed it by nexting her.
I think as far as LTR game goes, this was the wrong call, but that if she kept doing it you'd be perfectly justified demoting her. I think the nexting in this case probably helped you far less than a reply that would have conveyed displeasure in the lack of reschedule
bymxco 1y ago
I agree. I didnt want to let her off too easily though. Not this time. The first two times sure.
I cant just say "Dont worry about it. See you next Tuesday" again. Ive already exhausted that one last time. Then she will think she can just apologize every time in the future and ill say "Ok no problem :)" (not literally)
How do you read into her sulking that I forgot about her? She is not entitled to my time this week, she flaked twice in the past month basically. Thats my frame at least. A girlfriend on good behavior is entitled to my time, respectfully.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
Well yeah, obviously you wouldn't do that. You already know that
She's retarded. As are most women. Women get bombarded by offers to hang out their whole lives. They fundamentally do not understand the male experience of having to put in an effort to make plans and get cancelled on by women. It's foreign to them. Only Chad cancels on women without rescheduling. They don't understand it at all.
I'm 90% sure she's too dense to know it's the lack of reschedule, otherwise she would have sent a reschedule instead of sad pity bullshit. Most women are this dumb or non-introspective
I think a firm "you cancelled, you reschedule with me" as short as that is would have done you better at the time than having said nothing.
Now that a week is past it's too obvious how much of an impact.
This line may not be the best, I haven't been in an LTR in 9 years and never had a flake problem with her, but here's one:
"Don't send me a [insert sad emoji she used], you could have just rescheduled with me or made it up to me for cancelling"
I'm not used to the nuance of LTR anymore, but that more or less covers the fact that you haven't forgotten about her, without making it sound like you've forgiven her, while also still blaming her covertly for your lack of contact and letting know it was an issue
Sadly she sounds like she needs to be educated on the matter without being lectured about it
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bymxco 1y ago
I used your line and modified it to"dont tell me that, you couldve rescheduled with me" line she responded with "I love you so much. I love being with you. I want you to understand that." with a bunch of watery eye emojies
Is this another shit test, where she can see if she can love bomb me out of a position of trouble?
By reciprocating now I am giving her all the validation without her actually fixing future behavior, just using words. She didnt even acknowledge or bring up the rescheduling thing in my reply.
Or maybe she just gets tingles and feels loved when I call her out on bullshit?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
I haven't been in an LTR in 9 years, so I'll try to answer as best as I can. I'm not the best authority on this matter
This is a comfort test. You REALLY need to learn the difference between the two. You failed.thw first one a week ago.
Her cancelling for work wasn't a big deal to begin with. My LTR rescheduled with me a few times because her dad needed her at work. I didn't take it all that personal and neither should you.
Well, she responded with blurting her feelings out instead of blaming you. So, your response wasn't bad.
You need to not treat her like a plate. You treated her like a plate. Nexting an LTR needs to be for actual poor behavior. Nexting an LTR requires substantial disrespect, and usually disrespect that bad requires a break up, not nexting for a week
You can't be doing that. Honestly, you made this a far bigger deal than it needed to be and made her feel so much more worse than her cancelling a movie (and probably fucking that night). TRP has almost no resources on LTR game and I see so many guys break their LTRs with plate game
Possibly because you reacted more severely than need be and she probably does feel bad about it.
The nexting her dug you a hole, you're probably going to have to repair this by being slightly comforting. Your chance to be more firm passed when you nexted her instead of not passing her first comfort test assertively
It's a bit late to be Chad now in your reply, you pushed her pretty hard
Edit: she sounds like she's about to break as an LTR, I wouldn't be firm at this point. Telling her she needs to reschedule next time is just going to make it sound like a punishment in the waiting for next time she does it. It's just going to sound like a ultimatum.
If she cancels again on you without rescheduling then you can say "tell me when next time works". Don't overreact to it, she's not a plate splitting her attention with 5 guys, she's missing one day with you. It's not a big deal
bymxco 1y ago
It seems like your frame changed on the question. I thought we were both in agreement that she is retarded and needed a bit of an education. I agree, my next move should be comfort.
https://www.trp.red/p/mattyanon/1053
"""Another subtle point: she flakes on a date. You don't do anything AT THE TIME, because she clearly didn't want to show up. The time to make your complaint is when she next WANTS something, eg to meet you again. She flakes, you ignore, she tries to meet up again and you say "No.... you didn't show up last time, I'm not going to waste my time again". If she drops it, you drop her. If she persists you agree a date that is favourable to you: near your place, somewhere you are anyway, she picks you up, etc. There have to be consequences to her bad behaviour, and your absence is the best way to express your displeasure.
You inexperienced young bucks out there: do not accept offers of crazy monkey sex in exchange for forgiveness. Your high status behaviour will usually trigger a spike in attraction and need in her and she will usually try to use sex to talk you out of it. The sex will wait and it will be better once respect for you has increased. Don't accept sex as an apology or as a bargaining point. Just say "your bad behaviour is such a turn off" and walk out.""""
My situation is almost textbook TRP sidebar material. Slightly tailored to my situation thanks to you. I dont see how make a boundary clear here is the wrong move. Its harsh, but a high value move. She has shit-tested me for being even a little bit beta recently, I had to swing alpha for a bit.
That being said I am open minded and will keep an eye on signs of her breaking as a LTR in the coming weeks. I will also expect the 'crossing your reschedule boundary' shit-test that all women do. It will be met with a longer next. Its not that harsh, by the time I would consider dumping her for it, it would take 5 flakes in a small sample size (we are currently at 3) , and thats not anyone i would want to be exclusive with to begin with. Im quite good and experienced at spinning plates so it would be an easy transition, my weakness is LTR's because ive been spinning plates almost my whole dating life
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
I saw your deleted comment. I think you're fully misunderstanding what I wrote. Had you said nothing you'd been fucked.
You did the right thing responding. And it was nonchalant.
All I'm saying is that you created a shit-sandwhich for yourself. Using the line I gave was probably only one of the few good options you had.
All I'm saying is that you COULD have told her she's gonna have to reschedule or something AT THE TIME she flaked.
But you didn't. You hurt your LTR for a week. The line I gave you was fine. But she responded with still hurt feelings. So I'm saying, is that you should WAIT to address it.
You did this to yourself, line or no line you fucked yourself over by overreacting and using plate game.
I don't think the line I gave hurt you, your idea to continue saying nothing would have been an added shit storm.
You DID call out her lack of reschedule, and the line I gave you was better than nothing. The line has nothing to do with her hurt feelings, it has everything to do with your actions
All I'm saying is wait to further address it. My line put the foot in the door for that and probably sounded way less butthurt and punishing than anything you would have said. You're fine as long as you stop using plate game on your LTR
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
My frame of mind didn't change AT ALL. It's just not a good time to give firmer boundaries without making it worse. You're going to have to wait because you blew the initial comfort test. My advice for timing on it is different given her response.
You blew a great chance to tell her before she was in emotional freefall, now you have to deal with an even harder comfort test than when she first said "don't get mad"
As for the rest of your comment, I think you are misunderstanding LTR game. If she keeps cancelling and rescheduling on repeat then demote her, but if you go with the attitude you typed, she's gonna break
She knows the rescheduling is an issue. Wait to see how it plays out and reinforce those boundaries as they come naturally.
You're just going to look butthurt if you reeducate her right now. My advice isn't any different from before, you just need to use social intelligence on when to talk about it. She sounds like an emotional wreck right now so if you want to pull the trigger now, that's not smart but that's your call
Edit: the response I suggested you send her seems to have gotten the point across to her whether or not she directly responded to it. Just wait to reinforce it, you're going to fail a comfort test and come across as giving an ultimatum if you go into it now. It's just gonna piggy back on the previous overaction if it's right now
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gosuckyourself 1y ago
She's prioritizing her job over you. If she was genuinely sorry she would offer to do something to make it up to you (make you dinner, sexual favors etc.). Sounds like a shit test to me. How long have you been dating? How hard was it to secure commitment?
bymxco 1y ago
I mean, its literally the first time she did this. If it happens again, I can call that out.
As far as sexual favors go, there isnt any favors here. She already gives me full consent on anything, and she doesnt withdraw sex. She also already cooks me meals by default.
If she didnt do any of the above, AND was flaking on me, I would most likely just break up or heavily consider it.
Impressive-Cricket-8 1y ago
By her making up to you. For example, rescheduling. Or offering something else - I'll grab beer and food after I'm out of the job and go meet you, let's say.
She can... reschedule. Or she can at least confirm previous plans you've already made - today was a bummer, but I'm glad we're still up for the movie tuesday; I really want to see you.
Since it's already passed, there's not much to do now. But keep this event in mind - if it was a one time thing, maybe she was being sicere, after all; if she starts slipping here and there, on the other hand...
bymxco 1y ago
Exactly. Thats my issue, the lack of reschedule. Thats why I havent talked to her in a week, and she had the nerve to say i forgot about her. Maybe she was guilt tripping me, or maybe she felt like shit idk.
How do you read into that? She obviously implies that she wants to see me soon, so Im starting to think the lack of reschedule wasn't a big deal, maybe taken out of context?
Impressive-Cricket-8 1y ago
If she's usually a nice companionship, do the rescheduling yourself and keep this event in mind. See how long it takes for her to screw up again. If it's too soon and there's no plausible reason, gotta do something.
Durek_The_Bald 1y ago
Sounds like a covert contract to me. Have you ever told her it's on her to reschedule when she "flakes"? Have you ever just replied with something along the lines of: "Ok. Make it up to me, wink wink".
Or are you now in a stalemate because you've made up this "rule" in your head, that she doesn't know about, and now you take it as "symbolic" of a lack of desire if she won't fullfil your covert contract?
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Yeah it's either a covert contract or lack of leading. Next comes loss of frame.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Tell her "To be clear: it is your job to reschedule, and you better make it up to me".
Girls are stupid.
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