She treats me so well in person, best sex, makes me dinner, breakfast. Submissive almost to the degree of a doormat, however I do not ever abuse that privilege. She has never gave me attitude or nasty tone, we have been together for 9 months.
Its just that she absolutely never texts me first. It makes me feel like I am investing or LTR'd the wrong chick. I know its irrational, because if she wasnt high interest then she wouldnt be available 24/7, submit etc.
But It creates this dynamic where I feel like I always have to "chase" her when its an established relationship. The thing is when I do text her, she text back within 1-5 minutes, matches my enthusiasm and is very affectionate always available to meetup. There are no signs of a dying relationship here: no shit tests, no lost spark, no dead bedroom, i feel like the chemistry is actually increasing ironically.
*At the end of the day, because of this, I feel like she isnt a real girlfriend***. A real girlfriend to me will text me to hang out, meet up, send sweet texts, let me know theyre thinking about me. This just feels like a really reliable plate, but we are officially exclusive technically. This is great for the sex, but i dont LTR girls for sex only, otherwise they stay at plate status.
I have tried talking to her about it, her excuse was that she doesnt want to suffocate me and seem needy. I thought that was bullshit. Never texting first is not needy, it just makes me feel like youre not the one for me. Because of this, this isnt fulfilling my emotional needs, and i have this urge to dump a good relationship with no stress, in order to find a real girlfriend, or build a rotation again.
*Her way of texting me first is weird. She will post a status on Whatsapp about me; A song about our love, memes about us, statuses that are clearly aimed to get my attention to get me to write her. For example we talked about her cat earlier in the day, she will post a status with her cat, i went to buy a cake with her last week, she posted a status later that day showing the cake, we went on a roadtrip to the beach, she post a love song with lyrics involving road trrips, beach etc.** But will refuse to text me first, how immature is that? Is this a sign of a damaged girl
It just makes me feel like shes taking me for granted. Making me always chase her like shes the prize. Its a fucking LTR not a girl im trying to get on a first date. She also never drunk texts me, i think this is a red flag too. She never texts me that she wants to see me right now, small things like that is what you expect from an exclusive relationship.
She had the audacity to complain that i dont text her enough!! I told her that she never texted me first etc. She said ok i will work on it. She proceeded to text me once or twice first, giving me scraps. Then back to normal behavior.
Recently I have soft nexted her, she has not reached out to me in 9 days now. I feel like shes not scared to lose me, a real girlfriend would reach out after 9 days of no contact. I am thinking of just breaking up within a week or two from now. If I were to break the soft next and text her now, she would write back in 5 minutes however.
It gives me this impression that if we broke up she would never text me to get back together, she treats me like a plate basically but we are exclusive.
Am I crazy to dump a HB8 LTR with no shit-tests, over this?
Tldr; Good behavior submissive HB8 LTR isnt fulfilling my emotional needs, never texts first. Am I being needy for making this a big deal?
mattyanon Admin 2y ago
Yes
Yes
haha
Of course. Women do not respond to logic.
Right
Ok..... can really identify with this.
As a man you do EVERYTHING to get women into a relationship, laying it all out for her, making it easy as all hell, taking all the risks and enduring all the rejections. And then when you're in that relationship, you STILL have to do everything.
There are those that will tell you to lead, and they are right..... up to a point.
Most girls will generally meet you halfway on keeping in contact. But the ones that don't are playing it super safe: they assume "he'll text me if he wants me" and if you don't she will assume "doesn't want me, ok I'll move on", all without ever taking any risks of rejection or showing any interest herself.
Some men are ok with this.
I am not: I ditch women for this...... actually I ditch women super early for this behaviour by not engaging in it..... I soft next them super early and if they get back in contact great, but I establish EARLY that if they don't get in contact they won't be getting any contact.
Women are absolutely 100% completely capable of reaching out first. If they don't, there's a reason for it, and that reason is definitely not in your best interests.
As I say, some men are fine with this shit. You're not, so find a girl who can put a bit of effort into keeping you and showing you that she likes you.
desbryant 2y ago
I have never dealt with a girl like this, it is so bizarre but everything else is great. The thing is that Ill come across as needy for demanding this, at least maybe in a girls eyes, even though its very logical and common sense.
It makes me feel like shes settling for me, when its the opposite, im the higher value one, is this a gaslighting technique or is she just extremely insecure trying to avoid rejection from her boyfriend? I just dont believe that if she was dating a 10/10 Chad she would be playing this same game? But i dont like to think this way.
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Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Okay, so I read your whole post,
1) does she text OTHER people first?
2) does that also mean she never make plans with you first as well either?
Honestly this would bother the fuck out me too, not out of neediness, but always feeling like a reciprocal component of a relationship is missing
It genuinely sounds like it sucks harry dick to have to end an LTR like you described over this, but the 9 days of no contact is also really, really shitty man. I would not feel good if an LTR didn't respond in 9 days or even wonder what's going on during a soft next like that
It sounds like this is going to continue bothering you for a good while if this continues. I wouldn't suggest making an ultimatum that she reach out first in the future, but at the same time I don't know that staying in this is going to be good
Edit:
I don't think you are crazy, I just think you crave reciprocation and she is not giving that to you. I think this situation sucks hard given that nothing else seems wrong with her
desbryant 2y ago
She did reach out in the form of posting statuses aimed towards me to get my attention. But doesnt even have the basic respect to text me. This is her form of reaching out, sadly.
Our means of contact has evolved like this:
I text her logistics to meet up, we meet up.
Rinse repeat.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
I don't know what her hang up is. she is being retarded.
This would definitely bother me, as it probably would other guys as well
desbryant 2y ago
Is this a matter of attraction? As we know as redpillers, when a girl is not attracted come the sex withdraw, shit test, bad attitude, unavilability. I dont get any of that from her.
Should I talk to her about this, in plain terms? It just seems so fucking needy and like im trying to negotiate attraction. Its quite literally stirring up an otherwise functional non-stressful relationship. She gives me my space for sure, which I like.
I am not jealous but it makes me think there is another guy she is texting first or texting when drunk, right?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
I literally think she is just a retarded texter
My first FWB would also disrespect my texting wishes. Except in my case, she would always text me for fun and I didn't like it. I tried giving fun responses and she would respond with stupid two-word shit like "that's funny" or dumb shit that made it impossible to text "for fun"
I hated it and kept calling her out on it and she got extremely upset. I hated texting for fun anyway but she made it so stupid (this was 10 years ago by the way)
Like your LTR, this chick "tried" to improve and then she just went back to texting like a retard.
I don't think it's a reflection of you, retarded texters gonna retard with their texts
If this is fundamentally a deal-breaker for you then yeah. I would phrase it as wanting reciprocation in a relationship, not paranoia or butt hurt.
If this is end of LTR worthy for you and you can't tolerate it anymore but don't want to throw her away completely then it's your call to tell her, but given her behavior thus far, your hopes should be low for change
desbryant 2y ago
Right, it is about reciprocation, in the big picture.
To be fair, when we talked about it, she complained I never text her enough. I told her how strange that is to say because if i were to never text first then we would never talk. She said she didnt want to be needy and suffocate me. I told her thoughtful effort is good, and always appreciated. That was the extent of that convo. Technically I wasnt very clear with what I needed, although it was pretty obvious.
She actually put more effort into the relationship from this convo, just not in texting. She did more thoughtful things, her statuses became more thoughtful, when we did text it was more thoughtful, she started cooking more for me, etc.
I never told her: "You need to text me first. I need reciprocation" yet (in other words).. I havent necessarily made it the focal point of a serious talk or anything, it was more of a response to her previous comfort test.
I understand girls are retarded and unless you are clear like this, they dont understand. Once I lay it out like that, and give her a fair chance to change her behavior, I believe then we can consider terminating the relationship, meanwhile i will begin to explore other options and entertain some of my potential plates who i have been in contact with.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Okay, so perhaps that was unclear to her
Not necessarily, some are just absolutely fixated in their ways and are inflexible
That sounds like a solid plan, you shouldn't have to carry the weight of all the meetups etc. She should understand that, after all you are in a relationship, not a one-way street
desbryant 2y ago
She is extremely submissive, feminine, passive, so I always wrote it off to that. But I dont want that to be an excuse for her behavior. From the beginning, I set the tone of the "Be ready at 9 Im going to pick you up were going to X" and i know she loves this. I think shes grown comfortable to me taking the lead this way for all meetups. To the degree that Ive babied her I even tell her what to wear, but thats sort of a kink thing too. But its our dynamic
What is the best way to word this, without sounding needy. Apparently I wasnt too clear either. But i also want to make it clear that im not asking her to lead, just participate more in the process:
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Definitely not number 2.
Let me think about it, I haven't been in an LTR in 9 years. Mine never did that to me, so I really have to give it thought.
It shouldn't be something complicated, and probably not over text. Scratch that, absolutely not over text
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
So, I would just hit these three points in person, briefly, without dragging it out
1) you do like the relationship and care about her 2) everything else is going well 3) just need it to feel like it's a two-way street, at least just for making plans
If she complains about 1-3 just say reciprocation is "important" to you. Not butthurt or paranoid or like an ultimatum. Just that it's important.
If the pattern persists even after that, then you'd be warranted saying hinting that things may be ending. But see how it plays out first
desbryant 2y ago
Thanks for this, im definitely going to talk to her about this later when appropriate. Currently I am soft next'ing her for something else, so its not good timing. She can say I have been ignoring her for 9 days, or whatever excuse women will use.
I will use this on her in the next few weeks and give her a few weeks after to see if she changes. She wont complain, in the past she just says "Ok" which initially i thought was dismissive but she did follow thru on it and its just her way of not fighting it.
I have a tendency of ignoring or leaving her on read as im so busy, so I feel that will be her new excuse. I eventually make time to write her back though, considering there is no soft next in action.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 2y ago
Sounds like a plan. Just resist the temptation to talk about it over text. Texting vs talking in person about certain matters can be the difference between a burnt bridge and a good resolution sadly
This sounds salvageable if she has the will to put in the mild effort you want. If she doesn't then that blows hard
SeasonedRP 1 2y ago
I'd be fine with a girl like that.
desbryant 2y ago
Would you be exclusive with a girl like this? Sure, shes the perfect plate. But dont you want more from a LTR?
SeasonedRP 1 2y ago
It wouldn't bother me. I'm older and don't like to text much and some women like to be led. Maybe she was raised in a traditional manner and thinks the man is supposed to initiate contact and plan things, or for whatever reason thinks that way. I dated a woman like that for a year and a half and it was great. She rarely initiated contact. The only time I can remember offhand is when she wanted to go to a walking trail on a Sunday.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
My wife has been like this for 18 years. It's just how some women are. Just be glad she leaves you alone when you want to be left alone. If you want your emotional needs fulfilled, get a dog.
marduhhhy 2y ago
I bet that you really dont want to lose this girl but the more you invest in her and freak out about these relationship dynamics the more shell realize you are needy. Which might not be the case however . if ur already stressing over this . i would demote her. show her that your time is valuable and you dont need validation . you are in a relationship . you should be getting what u need . dont be the one to always just get walked on. Also if ur expecting a txt from her you are too emotionally invested in what shes doing . maybe ignore her txts for 9 days and see what happens