Admittedly, I got complacent. Two years ago, I moved in with my LTR. LTR was a plate for a year but had some seriously good qualities that I would want in a mother to my children (I do want children one day), so I promoted her to LTR about a year and a half before we moved in together. We moved in together, both moving to a new city and wanting to save money on rent (we both have the goal of Financial Independence/Retire Early).
However, over the last two years... things have gotten worse. Some of those qualities have outright disappeared - namely 1) she'd always ask questions rather than pick a fight, and 2) her focus on the long-term future. She wasn't always this way - I had her trained well over the year of being a plate. Whenever she'd act out, I had no problem issuing a soft next. For the long-term future part, when I promoted her to an LTR I'd go no contact for a day or two if I thought she was being reckless with money or hedonistic in her pursuits. Eventually, all this negative behavior stopped.
However, I got complacent. Whenever she'd spend extended amounts of time with her toxic, druggie family (her father is the only one who isn't, so she was raised conservatively), she'd come back and pick arguments about things like money and lifestyle. One time it was "we have enough money to travel the world for a few years, let's go!," and another was, "I think I want to stop lifting." In retrospect, these were obvious shit tests that I failed by arguing logically and explaining. Sex also started to dry up from 6-10 times a week to 3-4 times. Over time, this has gotten worse to the point we argue multiple times a week. Before I realized how far I'd fallen, I had told her it was a problem and we shouldn't be arguing this much, and that she needs to sort herself out.
She's been good about this and has been rewatching Jim Rohn, Jordan Peterson, and other intellectuals to "reestablish her long-term goals to herself." Because she took personal responsibility here, I know this is salvageable, but I need to do the same.
In my head, I see these arguments as character attacks on me, but I know that's silly. In the past, shit tests weren't about my values and goals, so it seemed as simple as A&A or just ignore. Now, I feel like I'm brought into the debate. Disengaging and punishing with no contact is also next to impossible since moving in together, and that was, I think, the most important part of training her when she was a plate/early LTR.
So my questions are 1) how would you respond to those shits tests that are picking arguments over underlying values and philosophies? 2) How could I use ignoring and refuse to give attention to those activities when I live with her without looking butthurt? Sometimes, if I'm on the computer and trying to ignore her after bad behavior, she will literally stand over me and try and continue an argument.
lmann817 1y ago
What kind of things are we talking about here. It honestly sounds like you ignored some red flags you were incompatible and she adjusted her behavior long enough to get you on the hook and now the real her is coming out.
If you really want something, you don’t need to watch YouTube gurus to remind yourself you want it. You want it.
BehindNeckPresses 1y ago
Thanks for the reply!
When I say reckless with money, I mean like she'd eat out a couple of times a week and occasionally buy new clothes she didn't need. She mellowed out, and started cooking every day that she isn't fasting. In regards to hedonism, she used to drink on weekends, but now she hasn't had a drink in years. I met her early in college through friends - she never partied or brought guys home or anything like that either.
I get what you're saying about genuine desire - no amount of making her do anything can make her want to do it, but I don't think her needing to watch youtube gurus for motivation is a problem. I wanted to be ripped, so I watched fitness youtubers, and that helped me remember that when I was cutting it was okay to be hungry because the payoff was worth it (& it was). I want to be rich, so I watch youtubers who remind me it's okay to give up short-term pleasures for long-term investments, as much as I might like going to concerts and out to eat. Please let me know if this sounds like I'm rationalizing it to myself.
anonc 1y ago
That matters more than whatever personal qualities she may have. You will be connected to these people forever. These people will become your son's family.
You are wasting your time with this bitch, and it's a big deal. You should probably move on.
Remember that it is totally possible to find a healthy women whose family and friends are wonderful people that you vibe with.
BehindNeckPresses 1y ago
Thanks for the reply. You have a point: her family will always be there, and will always be a negative influence. I have actually admired her for overcoming her circumstances, and she claims that she doesn't trust her parents alone with (possibly) our children one day. I know that doesn't mean much because you need to add the caveat "right now" to the end of all their sentences.
I have also, in my disgust, probably overstated by using the word "druggie." It's all prescription medications (SSRIs, Benzos, Etc.), but I don't see much difference in my mind.
Thank you for the reminder that there are plenty of other girls out there who are healthy, never eat out, don't drink, have an over 100k in their early net worth in their early 20s, with the goal of FI, lift, have an n count of less than 10 (this is applying the X3 rule), and don't have toxic families. If this situation does not improve, I will be spinning plates until I find another.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
When you move in she has "got you". She knows where you live, and she has the keys.
You don't argue with women. It's pointless and they LIKE IT. You arguing means you are suffering while trying to make it work. They ENJOY THIS because it shows beta commitment.
Don't feed that beast: walk away. Silent treatment and separate bedroom for a few days.
But you live together. There's only so much you can do.
Yeah. If she treats you worse when you give her more, is she really LTR material?
move out
By ignoring / silent treatment / sleeping elsewhere / being elsehwere and being happy as fuck about it.
This is unacceptable and threatening behaviour. You can't live with this person. Stop TRYING TO MAKE IT WORK, and look at moving out.
BehindNeckPresses 1y ago
You're right. Thanks for the reply - I needed to hear that. Ignoring and silent treatment just over the past few days has shown a noticeable improvement in how she acts, but still not where it needs to be. Ignoring her while she pulled the standing over me trying to continue the argument was awkward, but I just continued to ignore her. Shortly after, she calmed down and apologized with seemingly no ulterior motive. If things are not where they need to be in a few months, I'll be moving out.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Good thinking.
Silent treatment/ignoring is the best form of punishment for women, and the only one they positively respond to.
coolsocks00 1 1y ago
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Your ship has no captain. Be the captain of the ship. LEAD!!!
SeasonedRP 1y ago
Doesn't sound salageable to me. She doesn't respect you. Regardless of what led to this, the best thing to do is not live with her. And women never take personal responsibility for anything, thought they are good at successfully leading men to believe that they do.