Admittedly, I got complacent. Two years ago, I moved in with my LTR. LTR was a plate for a year but had some seriously good qualities that I would want in a mother to my children (I do want children one day), so I promoted her to LTR about a year and a half before we moved in together. We moved in together, both moving to a new city and wanting to save money on rent (we both have the goal of Financial Independence/Retire Early).

However, over the last two years... things have gotten worse. Some of those qualities have outright disappeared - namely 1) she'd always ask questions rather than pick a fight, and 2) her focus on the long-term future. She wasn't always this way - I had her trained well over the year of being a plate. Whenever she'd act out, I had no problem issuing a soft next. For the long-term future part, when I promoted her to an LTR I'd go no contact for a day or two if I thought she was being reckless with money or hedonistic in her pursuits. Eventually, all this negative behavior stopped.

However, I got complacent. Whenever she'd spend extended amounts of time with her toxic, druggie family (her father is the only one who isn't, so she was raised conservatively), she'd come back and pick arguments about things like money and lifestyle. One time it was "we have enough money to travel the world for a few years, let's go!," and another was, "I think I want to stop lifting." In retrospect, these were obvious shit tests that I failed by arguing logically and explaining. Sex also started to dry up from 6-10 times a week to 3-4 times. Over time, this has gotten worse to the point we argue multiple times a week. Before I realized how far I'd fallen, I had told her it was a problem and we shouldn't be arguing this much, and that she needs to sort herself out.

She's been good about this and has been rewatching Jim Rohn, Jordan Peterson, and other intellectuals to "reestablish her long-term goals to herself." Because she took personal responsibility here, I know this is salvageable, but I need to do the same.

In my head, I see these arguments as character attacks on me, but I know that's silly. In the past, shit tests weren't about my values and goals, so it seemed as simple as A&A or just ignore. Now, I feel like I'm brought into the debate. Disengaging and punishing with no contact is also next to impossible since moving in together, and that was, I think, the most important part of training her when she was a plate/early LTR.

So my questions are 1) how would you respond to those shits tests that are picking arguments over underlying values and philosophies? 2) How could I use ignoring and refuse to give attention to those activities when I live with her without looking butthurt? Sometimes, if I'm on the computer and trying to ignore her after bad behavior, she will literally stand over me and try and continue an argument.