My LTR admitted to hanging out with her ex-FWB in the last few months (guy she hooked up with before me). She says she hates the guy, but because they are a part of the same social circle, they sometimes hang out in groups. This all came out because she was going on a road trip with her friends, including this FWB.
Is it unreasonable for me to feel this is disrespectful to me? Am I being butthurt or too insecure about her remaining in contact with an ex in group settings? I understand she isn’t seeing him one on one (he lives across the country), but I still feel hanging out with him in any setting isn’t respectful. Part of me feels like I’m a hypocrite - I am still friendly with most of my exes, but I know from experience, they are never just friends.
I failed to establish a clear boundary. Is it too late to do so?
tierteen 1y ago
In the 'old' world order it should never happen. In 'new' world order any expectations likely will fail.
You can't put boundaries on everything [predict all imaginable things and derivations], so in my opinion it is never too late if you want to. But what you really want is girl policing herself and have SOME values at least. If she doesn't understand that hanging with a guy that she did ass to mouth couple of months prior then what other standards can she have that will please you?
man and woman are not the same when in romantic relationship
there's no friendship man-woman. Even gay friends fuck female-friends.
redswed 1y ago
Agreed on the policing bit.
She comes from a religious background and appears to value my time and compassion. Regularly buys me meals/cooks, sexually open, great career and top 5% salary, etc.
However, I don’t think she feels she needs to police herself on hanging out with the ex. She says she hates the guy (hamster) and can’t avoid hanging out with him in larger social settings. When I told her my LTR should not remain in close contact with exes, she said that she doesn’t want to hang out with him but also does not want to stop being friends with everyone in the group.
At this point - I’m not sure if I’m being insecure about her social circle or if allowing the status quo would be a blue pill decision.
I’ve had multiple exes reach out to hook up years after we ended, so I’m skeptical of keeping any contact. Period.
SheLarror1234 1y ago
Just listen to tierteens comment. It pretty much explains the gist of your situation
""""She comes from a religious background and appears to value my time and compassion. Regularly buys me meals/cooks, sexually open, great career and top 5% salary, etc."""" 1.A religious background means jack shit and night actally be a red flag considering that most religious women sort of adapt a "caged" mentality, where there tired of it and like a horse waiting to be released in green pasture. Everything else is non important because females act like chameleons and just because she does the basics a human should do does not make her virtuitious. Also, having a top career and top salary is a red flag for a woman. Id argue that women do not even care for jobs as such, but only to attract and settle with a top tier mate. Thats another topic though.
Female friends are not the same as male friends. And no your not overreacting or anything.
redswed 1y ago
Appreciate the perspective.
I plan on telling her that I do not date women that maintain contacts with exes, and seeing how she reacts. If she can’t accept this, then I feel like I’m being disrespected and only more boundaries will be crossed down the line.
tierteen 1y ago
if you have access to her mobile this is realistically only thing you can do, but no detailed advice should be given as not to instruct bad crowd what to avoid.
https://therationalmale.com/2019/10/31/an-essay-for-women/comment-page-2/
redswed 1y ago
Are you suggesting I try to read her texts to see how honest she’s being?
tierteen 1y ago
I suggest knowing what you do before attempting [replicating it first on your phone], but it all depends which out of 50 ways of communication routes she uses and there are various options for some.
Some tell you to ask for phone and be straightforward.
But this way she'll be diligent about deleting messages. Finding & Scanning all possible chats will take at least 1h.
redswed 1y ago
I don’t really wanna do this, seems like a pussy move
tierteen 1y ago
Society made you believe that.
Think what would you do if you'd expect the employee is stealing. But you wouldn't know which one. Would you roll, ask which one is stealing or install CCTV?
You employ the girl for position. If you believe that in your lifetime you have a chance to employ any girl for LLTR then you want to invest in actions that will protect your asset: your mental health / your time / your money.
You will never be able to talk about your findings though. Never. Ever. Use it for learning, don't even break up just drag it for more and experiment. Ask questions about things she is trying to hide and see how she can lie right into your face. See does she even show verbal or non verbal cues when lying. Video record and analyse [if you like this kind of psychological shit].
Use silence after she blatantly lied, ie driving/dining with her for 1h and not saying anything. Her reaction.
Compose yourself if you're invested, not to burst out.
mattyanon Admin 1y ago
Hanging out in a bar where he turns up is one thing......
But a road trip? Overnights?
The problem is that this is something she wants to do.
Tell her not to do it anymore and see what happens....... but she might find it hard to do as it means ditching a load of her friends.
redswed 1y ago
Agreed - frustrating especially because she had a chance to avoid this scenario, so in my mind, she chose to put herself in this scenario.
We’ll see what happens
No-Stress-Cat 1y ago
You answered your own question.
She's lying to your face, even if she doesn't realize it. When a woman genuinely hates a guy, she cuts ALL contact. She would also cut all contact with any "friends" who would "take his side" and not cut contact with him either. She's using the excuse "same social circle" specifically so she can hang on to the hope this guy will take her back.
Is it disrespectful? Hell yes! She knows damn well she should know better, and you need to open your eyes and see what's really going on here. She asking for your permission to cheat.
Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
At the end of the day, she's going to do what she wants to do, with or without your permission, even if it's behind your back. You need to make it crystal clear that she is free to make whatever decision she wants, however, she also should understand that she can either live the single life, and go on road trips with her friends and hang out with her ex, or she can live the long-term relationship life and be home with you where she belongs. She can't have it both ways, and it is your responsibility as the leader in your relationship to set that boundary and make it clear what the consequences are for crossing that boundary.
redswed 1y ago
Thank you for the detailed response, seriously.
To quickly answer your questions: 1) she did invite me but failed to mention he’d join 2) occasional (once every few months) get togethers as a friend group from what I gather 3) No answer, you’re right
Your points about her “hating” him and her friends is spot on and something I didn’t consider. Clearly I have more work to do. Thanks.
redswed 1y ago
Follow up:
Told her that my LTR does not maintain contact with any exes, and that this is a strict boundary of mine. She understands and said that it will never happen again.
However, at one point she cried, stating that she can’t always control the invite list/him showing up, and that she feared she would be ostracized from the group for doing so (guess she joined this friend group far after the ex did).
I get that the scenario might arise where in a group setting they are together. I know it’s unreasonable for her to always prevent this guy from showing up, but it’s well in her control to know when it is completely wrong to do so (like a road trip). So I guess I will just have to monitor her self policing going forward.
How’d I handle this?
Vermillion-Rx Admin 1y ago
It's fully understandable if there are mutual places they end up with mutual friends, situation sucks in that regard for everyone involved.
The fact that on the road trip, everyone will be in close quarters for extended periods of time and most likely with copious amounts of alcohol involved is going to always leave doubts in your mind
If you're going to stay together, it is probably a good idea to have a firm discussion of where she sits in the car etc and where she sleeps on that trip. I don't know what boundaries you could establish with this still, but she should know that you will not tolerate her ending up sleeping next to him etc on the trip
Obviously handle it in a way that doesn't make you sound paranoid and butthurt, but there needs to be clear expectations in my opinion
whytehorse2021 1y ago
Yeah she's a hoe. Listen to your gut. It exists for a reason and was developed over millions of years to prevent you from being cucked into raising another man's child.
SeasonedRP 1y ago
Going on a trip with mixed company that includes a former FWB is disrespectful to you. Discussing it will be a waste of time. Just make a note that girls with FWB backgrounds aren't good LTR material. Don't say anything, but treat the relationship as nonexclusive. Withdraw a bit from her and spend time with other girls and see where things lead. You just might find a replacement who knows how to act properly in an LTR.