Chick I’ve been seeing for several months. Loves Me. Buys me gifts. Wants to spend all hours with me. Wants to get married etc etc. I’m 24 she’s 25. She moved to my city for about a year now with her family after she finished her degree in another city. I have multiple plates on the side and chicks I’ve been seeing which she doesn’t know about. but I made it clear to her that she cannot see or talk to any other guys.
She Doesnt necessarily seek attention but is receptive sometimes especially online. In the time we’ve been together she’s posted a picture of her on her story twice and guys thirst over her and she either ignores or says thanks. On one occasion she did get into a lengthy conversation with someone that she did show me and I punished swiftly.
Now recently me and her got into a lengthy argument over text about something trivial and I made the mistake of engaging with her and constantly pressing her and insulting her for not answering my intial question and changing the topic. I end up calling her and when she became dismiss I called her a dumb hoe and hung up.
She texts me that she’s shocked and later calls me me back and I tried deescalating and told her I was joking. I tell her I have to go and hang up. she texts me later on something to the effect of “you constantly disrespect me and call me insults and I can’t tolerate that and if this who you’re going to be then I don’t want to talk to you, take care”
I ignore the message for the whole day and plan a date with another chick that day. She texts me later that night that she wants me to call her. I ignored for a few hrs and when I tried to call her back she was out with friends. Later on that night we arrange to meet up.
We talk it out and I de escalate and that she says she knows I lost my temper and that I’m not that kind of person blah blah and she doesn’t want me to continue being disrespectful. She does admit that earlier that night she was out with her sister and her female coworker with some old childhood guy friends that came to visit from out of town. I do remember a few weeks ago that she did tell me that some childhood friends would be coming to visit.
She then continues to tell me that they might be going for brunch later that saturday morning with those guys but “she doesn’t think she can go and she has work” I tell her that I don’t think it’s a good idea to be hanging out with guy friends even as a group setting (I didn’t want to sound insecure especially if her sister and female friends would be going there)
I leave it at that and by now it’s 7am in the morning on a Saturday where we both haven’t slept yet. later on that afternoon I call her and text her which she doesn’t answer or reply to. I didn’t think much of it she calls me at 4:30pm on FaceTime saying she just woke up and that she even called in sick to work late. I do my own thing and she ends up sleeping in the whole day.
Next day that evening which is a Sunday We hang out. Talk some more. She cries about how much she loves me and she doesn’t like it when I call her names and insults and yell at her and that she wants a future for us. I remain stoic and let her let it all out without apologizingn for anything. And then later that evening we drop off some food for her mom. She leaves her phone with me and I see a text from an hour ago from presumably the childhood friend they had dinner with saying to her “are you working tmrw, we’re going to touch this hookah lounge before we head to the airport if u wanna come”
I confront her about it and she says that he was just asking and that she didn’t intend on going. I then ask her about that night we were technically broken up if she actually went to a restaurant as she claimed and it wasn’t this hookah place. She says no and that she doesn’t even smoke.
We head to pick up her sister from work. while we’re waiting I see her texting and deleting messages with her sister and she’s says it’s because she texted her personal messages about her coworker who she’s about to enter the car with (apparently abuse from father) and she wanted to keep it confidential. Once her sister got in the car with her coworker I subtly tried corroborating her story if they actually went to a restaurant together during that night (beta impulse on my part) but she doesn’t end up saying much.
Later on that night after we drop her sister off, LTR and I are alone together and she lets me go through her phone. What I find is that on Saturday several hours after I left her at 7am she texted this guy at 10:30 am if “they” were up and wanted to go to brunch. She then tells him she called in sick. I go through the rest of the texts for that day and there seems to be some confusion on whose picking who up or if they should just meet at the restaurant but other than that no other messages for another 24hrs (which is when I was going through the phone) but it’s clear that she was going to meet them with her sister and not alone.
I tell her I don’t believe in guy friends and that they all have the intention of wanting to fuck or waiting for their turn. She says she never thought of it like that and they were just people she grew up with and used to tutor. And that she’ll delete her childhood friends from her old town in front of me.
What I also found is that during the time that I was calling her that Saturday afternoon she had some outbound calls to her mom and uncle.
I confront her about all this and she says that she changed her mind and never went to brunch and that she just dropped off her sister and went back home and went to sleep and hence she called me when she woke up at 4:30pm (potential lie #1) And that the reason why she didn’t pick up my call when she was dropping her off or allegedly driving back home was that she was tired (lie #2) she tells me later on that she might’ve been on FaceTime or listening to music (extension of lie #2).
She also says that when she came home and while she was sleeping her mom had her phone and that her brother had her moms phone (hence all the outbound calls to her mom and uncle).
Despite all that I’m not convinced about her story and At this point I get up ready to leave the car and call her every name in the book and that she’s a lying hoe, an attention seeker, insecure, directionless etc etc. she breaks down and pulls me back and says she isn’t lying and that she is telling the truth and that she never went to brunch. She apologizes for lying about her being on FaceTime and says the reason she didn’t pick up my phone was that she’s been feeling a heavy feeling regarding me lately (about me being disrespectful and calling her insults and pushing her away for the past few weeks) And that she isn’t lying about driving back home.
Tldr: Now the question is I’m not sure how to feel about her having dinner with some childhood(allegedly) guy friends while we were broken up for the 24hrs especially if she’s lying about her sister and coworker also being present. Keep in mind I was on a date earlier that night and went to meet up with a few more chicks later that night with my friends. I also don’t know if she’s lying about not having went to brunch with her childhood friends and siste that day we made up and I told her I didn’t think it Would be a good idea to go. I also don’t know what to think about her not initially picking up my calls.
I’m guessing she went to brunch and didn’t want to pick up my calls and just called me back later when she got home. I’m not sure what she did between the hours of 1pm-4pm Should i demote to plate and just use for sex and smv in public. I’ve been talking to and seeing other girls while we were together but something about being lied to is hurting my ego as it hasn’t happened in previous ltrs and even rarely with plates. Because she’s stayed with me despite my bad treatment and angry outbursts I think she truly does want something serious and that she does love me but maybe I might have slightly pushed her away to the point of seeking beta attention.
chadchaddington 3y ago
I read a paragraph, read another one, even read a 3rd one and boy you don't stop writing non-sense. So I skipped to the end and see you wrote a whole essay, so I ain't reading all that.
You're insecure and don't have a frame. You didn't lose it, you just never had it. How are you gonna be spinning plates, at the same time claim to be in a LTR while getting butthurt that your "girlfriend" is seeing who knows what chumps and then call her names and get mad, starting a whole argument. Then, you start another one in the car because some guy texted her. If she isn't fucking anyone else, she will be now.
Stick your head out of your ass.
DastardlyCade 3y ago
By spinning plates I meant I have backup chicks and chicks I used to see before. My ltr also sees them messaging me and trying to contact me but I don’t respond or escalate(dread) implying that if we weren’t together I have options. Also I’m more concerned about her need to feel like she needs to lie to me about wether she went to brunch with them or not when I told her I wouldn’t like her to go. Also when I checked her social media activity and her call logs when I was trying to contact her she was actively placing calls and responding to people on social media.
My main question is she acting this way because she feels guilty about something she did or if she feels distant towards me because of my treatment of her before and including our breakup episode. I even saw that she added someone new on Snapchat who she told me was from that group of friends. (Timeline indicates she added him around the time I suspected her of going to brunch) she claims that she didn’t go to brunch and that she only got his Snapchat because the other guy texted to him and that he’s his brother. But when I was looking at the texts between them that was nowhere to be found. Indicating that she did meet him and that he did add her in person.
whytehorse2021 3y ago
You lied, she lied. Sounds like you don't really have a relationship.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3y ago
I think you lost substantial frame. You wrote a significant amount of text to describe some yellow flags. I don't believe you said if the "lengthy conversation" with that one guy was even sexual or not.
I have a childhood female friend I would never consider fucking. For girl #1, her aunt married my uncle. We called each other cousins my whole childhood but have absolutely no relation bloodwise. But even if she hypothetically called me begging for dick, I could be never do it, and she's objectively cute.
I also had a neighbor growing up and we inadvertently became friends. She definitely had some nice tits but even so, I just couldn't fucking do it if it came down to it hypothetically.
And I'm saying this from the dude's perspective. On a visceral level, I just could not fuck either of them if they hypothetically hit me up out of the blue and asked for it. Even if it was a bad dry spell, hypothetically.
When you grow up with with chicks in your orbit, whose families you grew up bonding with, whose own parents were friends with each other, it's a boner deflating barrier.
What indication was there that she or even the childhood dudes were trying to fuck her? I sure as fuck couldn't bone either of the chicks I just mentioned and they are objectively and part-subjectivley cute.
Normally lying is shit behavior for a girl, but if these guys were genuinely childhood friends, is it possible she felt the need to lie to see dudes she literally grew up around? I don't condone female lying in relationships but your boundary about them (they also knew her sister) seems ridiculous to the point that it's a rare justified lie for an unjustified request
Also, are you teasing her or outright demeaning her? There's a difference in game. It's hard to tell if her reaction to your humor was a legitimate criticism or not
Normally I do not take the girl's side in this forum, but I'm seeing a lot of disproportionate reaction from your end regarding her actions.
Also what's up with you seeing chicks she doesn't know about but it's clear she can't see any guys?No problem with this at all if you've laid this out as a rule with her to start with but is she under a full impression you two are exclusive when you're actually not? If she thinks she's exclusive and you weren't honest about it, fuck do you have room to be upset with who she talks to?
Why did you even bother upgrading her to relationship status if you don't want to treat this as one? Could have just left her as a FWB this whole tim and kept the same arrangement without all this bullshit in the background causing issues for you. I don't get the mentality, this is male hamstering
I rarely ever take the chicks side, but the bottom line is, it sounds like you entered an LTR (your decision, doesn't sound like it had to be made), were not upfront about the rules, and lost a lot of frame and are overthinking so many aspect of her interactions
She otherwise seems like she has a ton of green flags which makes your post more confusing. You put as much thought into this post as a girl who's abused a guy for two years, I don't get it
DastardlyCade 3y ago
By spinning plates I meant I have backup chicks and chicks I used to see before. My ltr also sees them messaging me and trying to contact me but I don’t respond or escalate(dread) implying that if we weren’t together I have options. Also I’m more concerned about her need to feel like she needs to lie to me about whether she went to brunch with them or not when I told her I wouldn’t like her to go. Also when I checked her social media activity and her call logs I found out that when I was trying to contact her she was actively placing calls and responding to people on social media.
My main question is she acting this way because she feels guilty about something she did or if she feels distant towards me because of my treatment of her before and including our breakup episode. I even saw that she added someone new on Snapchat who she told me was from that group of friends. (Timeline indicates she added him around the time I suspected her of going to brunch) she claims that she didn’t go to brunch and that she only got his Snapchat because the other guy texted to him and that he’s his brother. But when I was looking at the texts between them that was nowhere to be found. Indicating that she did meet him and that he did add her in person.
So my main issue is a snowball effect of potential lies that she tried to pass by me. But then again she’s not ina good position to tell the truth because that would indicate that she went to brunch and that she purposefully ignored my calls and messages and pretended to me that she was sleeping the whole time. Also what is she referring to when she talks about this “heavy” feeing she feels towards me that was preventing her from messaging me back or calling me
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3y ago
It's still unclear to me, does she think these are former plates that you are not fucking, but ACTUALLY are, or just girls that you keep on the burner for social proof only? Are you fucking any of these girls?
I still think that if these guys are genuinely like childhood family to her, her lie to be able to see platonic childhood friends was not necessarily justified, but completely understandable. You wedged yourself into a corner on that where lies were needed to begin with. They also knew her sister, nothing to me says these guys are trying to smash. I have these platonic connections too.
It sucks that she's lying to you but this was an unforced error. Some times it pays off more to be socially savvy and with good frame with your boundaries than to be alpha about them. You could have tried to meet the guys or some other workable variation that didn't involve cutting off her childhood bonds, which will understandably lead to covert behaviors as a form of reactance
Probably felt like actual shit.
Probably did not have the emotional energy to contact you. People max out of that at some point. From your descriptions of your interactions with her, she is not knowing the status of if you two are even cool for a week+ in time.
This works on plates, not LTRs. A plate will get insecure and desperate to fuck after a week of non-clarity about you and her, because plates instinctively know their existence is sexual validation, but LTRs break down emotionally
I mean no offense, but it's like you're using plate game in your LTR
DastardlyCade 3y ago
I tried to be socially savvy and called them from my phone while she was with me to verify her story. I was like hey I heard from x you guys were in town and we’re looking at some places to visit. Welcome to teh city and perhaps we could show you guys around. They were pretty receptive. I tried to throw a curveball and asked them what places they went and if they went to brunch together to which he replied. “Did she say she was there” and I was like she said “she wasn’t there” and he’s like “there you got your answer”
Also I’m not sure what it is but my ego feels like it took a hit with being potentially lied to and that she purposefully ignored my texts and calls at one point. And posters on here always say that if she thinks she’ll get away with lying she’ll always lie. I pressed her and confronted her about every potential Lie and how disgusting I thought it was and she begged me to not leave her blah blah etc.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3y ago
That wasn't savvy, it just came across as mate guarding childhood friends that she probably had a strong friendly bond with and then asked him to verify for you where they went. Not savvy
You could have told you were interested in who she grew up with and she very well may have invited you thinking you were interested. On the off-chance he or the two dudes were not platonically inclined, you would have at least been involved in a socially intelligent manner.
Her lying is your fault. You made this more than it had to be. If it was Joe from high school on a one-on-one lunch I would have been skeptical but it was two dudes that new her AND her sister. They know each other on a familial level, probably not fucking
I do think you pushed her to lie. I don't think you have anyone but yourself to blame, I stand by my assessment that they're childhood friends in all likelihood
This was a girl who has the decency to show her phone etc and otherwise has some good green flags and you overreacted to yellow flags
You don't need to score Chad points at every turn in an LTR, you're definitely using a lot of plate game with having chicks texting you around her etc. There are better ways to convey you options. You need to tone it down with the disparaging remarks, complete comfort breaks etc.
You can apply TRP without eroding the foundational aspects of a relationship. It's a different ballpark in LTR. LTR s that are treated like plates break like them
Your ego didn't have to get bruised, I think this was all unforced errors
tierteen 3y ago
Given. The best game for a guy is social circle game.
Separately from above: I had FWB that claimed she had exclusively been doing social circle and later wanting to retain her best-friend-only that was also a male.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3y ago
Not every guy can or wants to fuck a cute girl that grew up with them as if they were family. Not a given
tierteen 3y ago
can agree, yet, social circle is many males and what she says about connection is what she says. In my previous example description of the best friend was: I only meet him when his mother is around, we know each other from childhood, you can meet him if you want. Reality is even gay guys fuck girl-only-friends in social circle and they are not technically even interested in girls, also this was mindblowing how cute this girl was otherwise.
I can't disagree with notion. It is the best to have unbelievably big abundance and just plate girls till you die. But if to take other possibilities for what they are - women are hamstering their way around to retain men in their lives as viable options, then we're hamstering the way around it, because we want to believe, even little bit, it is OK. I'm guilty. But I'm trying to find my way around it by thinking to go on holidays and knocking some cute girl and letting my genes into the pool and hopefully my hindbrain giving me a break.
Fight seems to be the one of Don Quixote.
Yet to resolve the game quick and on own terms, man can apply strict rules to woman and see what happens. BTW this relates to the other thread we had discussion in.
BTW I also practice BDSM to tackle problems, remind me in 20y to comment did it work.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 3y ago
It would feel like incest to me, as would a lot of guys, especially if they treated them like little sisters they looked out for
I disagree that most dudes in that situation would be looking to smash their close childhood female friends in which even their families knew each other.
What does social circle game have to do with wanting to fuck childhood friends? Yes they are in your social circle but how does that in of itself override the repulsion for how platonically close you are to the chicks?
Also, how do they have to hamster retaining men they do not view sexually?
tierteen 3y ago
all this narrows down to in what one wants to believe as in regards to girl passing on info, belief level can only be derived from various stats and they are generally not flattering. I can't talk on specific case, noone can - even OP can't, not enough info.
tierteen 3y ago
1.
vs
2.
broken or in argument? she can do it again in future all she needs is 24h and also reason argument is broken anyway
that would mean she didn't care to answer as most likely she seen the call or missed call
3.
vs
and
what was the punishment
DastardlyCade 3y ago
Also I’m not sure what it is but my ego feels like it took a hit with being potentially lied to and that she purposefully ignored my texts and calls at one point. And posters on here always say that if she thinks she’ll get away with lying she’ll always lie. I pressed her and confronted her about every potential Lie and how disgusting I thought it was and she begged me to not leave her blah blah etc