I get that the alpha must "hold frame" and have the dominant frame, but how can you make sure your frame is right.
For instance, my mother believes that I have to bow down and kiss her feet. She thinks regardless if she is right or wrong, I have to be polite and bow like a dog. Yes ma'am, no ma'am anything for you ma'am. She thinks because she "sacrificed" her life to feed me, clothe me, and x,y,z she deserves a forever servant and a yes man. She demands that I do things like, ask her how she is doing, tell her where I am without her asking, show her affection without being asked.
My frame is that I don't owe her shit because I didn't choose to be born. I didn't agree to any covert contracts, I didn't agree that her feeding me makes her entitled to a life of coming home angry from working and using me as an emotional punching bag that I must submit and bow to. I didn't agree that her "sacrifices" means she is entitled to someone caring after her even though all she does is emotionally manipulate me, control me, act entitled, and generally assholian.
So this is kind of where I come to a dilemma. I'm still dependent on her, so as much as I hate it I submit. Technically she has the dominant frame. But it gets me thinking.
What if I hold dominant frame over my woman in the future but I'm not reasonable or wrong in my worldview. What if I believe she ought to be acting a certain way, and I demand it and apply dread and walk away if she doesn't comply and all that bullshit, but I'm just wrong and an asshole.
I understand being a leader, being the dominant boss. I understand being the "authority", but that isn't enough. I feel like I have to be a good, fair authority with women. How can I trust my own self.
I've been through the same situation before with my ex as I am with my mother, except the roles were reversed. I was constantly helping her, looking after her, basically serving her needs. This blew up into arguments where I demanded shit from her like taking care of me too because it was only fair and I wanted the same love back that I'm putting in. She said the same thing to me that I'm saying about my mom about her not agreeing to covert contracts and that she doesn't want to because she doesn't feel good with me. I continued to hold frame and ended up leaving the relationship because "she wasn't good enough for me".
So I guess my question boils down to is how can I make sure my side of the "coin" is the right one, and how can I make the other person HAPPILY submit to my frame. Not like how I must submit to my mothers because she bashes it down my throat.
Or here is another example, my grandparents treat me like shit but "love me". My mother believes I should call my grandparents every day because they "love me", she thinks I'm a heartless piece of shit because I don't want to. She thinks I ought to sacrifice my 10 minutes to make their day because they "love me and can barely wait for me to call", she thinks regardless if I hate talking to them I'm a monster for not feeling guilty and empathetic and bowing down and letting them shit talk me for 10 minutes every day to make their day. Am I really an asshole for not calling them and being "charitable". How can I know I'm right with my frame. Maybe I am an asshole, maybe my grandparents are assholes but they're old and don't know better, should I really not let them live their asshole lives peacefully and just sacrifice my own ass for 10 minutes of pain and annoyance.