TL;DR: I'm 25, discovered redpill when I was 21 after a failed LTR of 4 years, and have been focusing on myself ever since. The only part I lacked was in getting laid, even though I went in some dates, my overthinking got the better of me and I couldn't close. Then, the pandemic happened and it became even harder to get some leads and dates. In early 2021, I started dating a 21 year old HB9. As things were great and the pandemic was still happening, I kept her around as she seems to be LTR material. Everything is great and she's devoted to me, however she's been with 2 other guys before me and that's been bothering me recently. My n-count is low and I'm wondering if I'm missing out on other girls and sexual experiences and "wasting my time" by being in an LTR, or if I should just try to enjoy what I have now, until it eventually ends. If so, how do I stop letting those thoughts of her sexual past interfere? How do I deal with the fear of missing out on other girls and sexual experiences? Regardless, I will keep on working on myself and my future, lifting and trying to keep having other options.

There's a lot to unwrap here, but I'll do my best to keep it short. I've been a long time reader of the red pill and I'm finally posting here as I'd like to hear your thoughts.

To give you some background: I'm 25 and I found the red pill when I was around 21 (in early 2018), after a 4 year LTR that went sour. The story is as you would expect, we were high school sweethearts and each others firsts. During the relationship I got comfortable and became softer, she then started disrespecting me and resenting me for it. On top of that, when things were already shaky between us, I developed a drinking problem as I was dealing with other complications in my life. This made me lose my frame, eventually leading me to cry around her. As we both went on to university (to different ones), she started meeting new people and saw her opportunity to branch swing. I saw this introverted and shy girl transform into a partying college girl right before my eyes.

When the breakup happened, I spiraled into a state I had never been in before, and the drinking, anxiety, etc. just got worse. I was starting my second year of computer engineering and I thought about just quitting, along with music (which is one of my passions in life), as during those times, nothing was doing it for me and I couldn't find the motivation. It got to a point where I was prescribed antidepressants, but I never took them, as I didn't want to go down that path. Fortunately, in my search for answers I found r/theredpill. A lot of things made sense to me and I was amazed at how accurately the events in my life regarding women, were being described. I proceeded to read the sidebar and The Rational Male. I quit drinking, started doing jiu-jitsu and working out. I went monk mode for some months and focused on building a better future for myself.

This all happened during 2018 and 2019, and even though I was focused on myself, I still had lingering feelings towards my ex, so I eventually went on a couple of dates just to try to get over her, to develop some game and to get out there again. The thing is, the computer engineering degree always took a really large chunk of my time, and the little free time I had, I would rather spend it at the gym/jiu-jitsu or playing music with my band, than to be chasing girls. I never closed on these dates, and when I had the opportunity to get laid, logistics aside (since I still live with my parents), I would just think that I would regret it afterwards or be left feeling worse than before, as I didn't find these girls very attractive, or I would have self doubts like: "what if my dick is small?", "what if I end up being disappointing?" or "what if she'll spread that info around?", etc. I should note that I live in Portugal and even though I'm next to Lisbon (the capital city), the dating pool is not huge, so there's always a great chance of a girl knowing people that I also know, so that risk was always in my mind, basically.

The closest I got to closing was at the end of 2019, I went out with this 19 year old girl with a great body, as she had been a dancer all her life, even starting her bachelor's degree in that area. The date was something that happened in the spur of the moment late in a Monday night (after her being flaky for some days), a lot of places were already closed, so I took her to this open abandoned field, near a residential area. At first she was a bit weirded out, giving me shit tests like "so, is this where you bring every girl?", and I just laughed and played it off, saying "nah, only the ones I intend to kidnap" and we laughed. I brought a speaker and put on some tunes and the vibe was cool. Eventually I escalated things and we started kissing. After a while I pulled her to my lap and continued touching her, eventually leading to me fingering her. She grabbed my dick afterwards, but didn't finish. I think I could have escalated further and we could've fucked in the car, but my overthinking got the best of me in that moment. As it was getting late and we both had classes early in the morning, I drove her home. Things between us went cold afterwards, I later found out she had a boyfriend and and we didn't talk again. Either way, I felt things were starting to change. I was taking baby steps, but I was progressing and girls of higher SMV were starting to give me attention. Then, the pandemic hit and everything closed.

During the pandemic everything came to a halt, I was feeling anguished as I didn't have sex since my ex, back in early 2018. I couldn't even try to keep improving at cold approaching. However, I kept working on myself, as that was the only thing I was able to do. Some friends and I bought some equipment to build a home gym in order to keep training. In college I was falling behind in some subjects but I stepped up and was able to pass at every one. This lead me to not having much free time, but when I did, I texted some girls and got to go on 2 more dates during summer break, but nothing really happened. During this time, I also tried tinder for a couple of weeks, but aside from it being full of older women with lower SMV, most girls with whom I matched, just wanted attention.

Then in early 2021, I met this 21 year old girl that I found really attractive (I'd say she's an 8.5 in looks, and a 9 when she gets all dolled up). Feminine, green eyed, chestnut hair and a great body. We started talking through instagram and hit it off. The chemistry was great as well, which led me to not overthink it much. In the first date I thought that I had nothing to lose and the vibe seemed great, so I kissed her and everything went great. After a couple of dates, I was finally able to get laid again. It was like everything fell into place. At first I thought about having her become a plate, as I wasn't looking for something more than that and wanted to explore my options, even if they weren't that many. However, she quickly became infatuated with me, and I noticed it in the small details. For example, when I told her I was available to be with her, she always found ways to change her days off at work just to be with me; wanting to surprise me in different ways; paying for everything when we went out, and even putting a picture of us on her cell phone background shortly after we started dating. Obviously I wasn't indifferent to these gestures, and seeing that the pandemic was still happening, I decided to keep her around. However, I always kept my guard up, and was always watchful of red flags and kept vetting her past, as seeing that she had some tattoos made me hesitant as well. Don't get me wrong, I really like tattoos, but the girls I met before who had them, tended to be impulsive, reckless, and usually didn't have very good relationships with their fathers.

Early on, I learned that she didn't come from a broken home (which is rare these days), her parents were together for more than 40 years, but unfortunately her father passed away half a year before I met her. However, she talks about him with great respect and affection, and now and then tells me about the moments the two of them shared, and I can see that they had a great bond. He was okay with her getting tattoos, as he also had some.

Her life wasn't exactly easy as her parents had some financial problems. She also lived with her older sister (12 years older than her) and her sister's husband, who have two young kids. When she was younger, she was the one who took care of the kids, as everyone else had to work. I think all of these situations made her more down to earth and responsible, even with her money. For example, her whole family smokes, but she told me that she never tried tobacco nor any drugs, and that she was proud to say that she didn't have any bad habits or addictions.

So yeah, all seemed great but I still kept my guard up and kept looking for holes or red flags. Regarding her sexual past, I briefly touched the subject in different occasions and here's what I've pieced together: she told me she had been with two other guys before me. The first one was her first "serious" boyfriend, who was a tattoo artist, when she was 19, and the guy was 28. This relationship lasted for 4 months and she told me that they broke it off mutually, as they weren't getting along and the guy had childish behaviors like throwing a tantrum when he didn't have things his way. The other, was when she was 20, with a guy who she wanted something serious. The guy was 22 and they had been talking for some months and went out a couple of times. She told me that the guy seemed to really care for her and that he also seemed to want something serious with her, going out of his way to text her everyday, etc. Eventually he invited her to his house, and it happened. After that, he basically changed his attitude towards her, he didn't text her back, started talking in a different manner, and she felt used, breaking it off with him. A couple of weeks later the guy texted her back, telling that he missed her. By then she didn't want anything to do with him and told me she never even replied to him. This happened during the time her father was fighting cancer, so she told me that she was more vulnerable and that she felt the guy took advantage of her.

I know that you can't believe everything a girl says, as they'll probably tell you the things you want to hear, but I think she's telling the truth as her actions don't contradict her words. She also knows how much I value honesty and I've given her hints at how I would just cut things off with her if I knew she was lying to me (about anything in general, not necessarily about her sexual past). She tells me that I was her first in many things. For example, telling me that I was the first guy she ever gave a blowjob to; that before meeting me she had never bought or worn any lingerie; or that I was the first guy she ever spent the night with. Before me, she says she had never had an orgasm while having sex, even admitting to me that her first boyfriend (the tattoo artist) had some issues and suffered from premature ejaculation. At least her reactions seem genuine and (lack of) experience in some things lead me to believe that she is telling the truth.

At first, these things didn't really bother me, however, lately they have been on my mind, and it's even affected the way I interact with her at times. It seems to me like I'm more concerned with these issues in my mind than I am focusing on the present and the good things I have. I'm just minding my own business and all of a sudden, I start imagining those scenarios on my mind, that probably don't even correspond to reality. In part it seems like I have a bit of resentment towards her, as if during all those years, I had been struggling and fighting to make something out of myself, and she was just having fun, and now she gets to have the "prize". I also think that I resent those dudes because to me, it's like they didn't have to put in any effort in order to close. Also, I don't know if I should consider the age difference to her first boyfriend a red flag, but it's something that leaves me apprehensive. I think maybe the reason this has been bothering me so much, is the fact that my n-count is low (only had sex with 2 different girls, even though I have fingered and/or had blowjobs from 4, I don't think that really counts) and is lower than hers. I think I'm more experienced in bed than she is and the sex is great, she's always enthusiastic about the idea of me fucking her, and after I'm done with her she's left shaking in bed. Still, the fact that other 2 dudes have put their dicks in her and have been intimate with her, no matter how bad the experience was for her, leaves me uneasy.

I've been with her for almost a year and she's still head over heels for me, maybe even more so than when we started going out. Things between us are great and she's devoted to me right now. We've had some disagreements, but even then, those are nothing special, I tell her to course-correct when I don't think something is right, she understands my point of view, and the problem is dealt with. She never gave me any attitude and is always very submissive and grateful for my attention. I'm always watchful of red flags and waiting for her to step out of line, but she's been really chill and reasonable so far. She's always excited to be around me and wants to cook for me(her mom's a chef, so she's also a great cooker), basically trying to qualify herself for me.

During those years that I went in dates, even though I didn't close, I got to know very different types of girls. Because of that, I think I can see what I like or don't like in a more informed manner. I don't think she's a unicorn by any means, but I do believe she has her qualities and seems like good LTR material. However, I ultimately wonder if I shouldn't be out there increasing my n-count and developing game instead of choosing to remain with this girl. I just think that maybe I'm too young and inexperienced to stick to an LTR, especially after having already been in a 4 year one that didn't end well. I'm afraid of missing out on other sexual experiences I didn't get to have before and that maybe I'll regret it later down the road or that it all blows on my face, making me revert to my old ways and stop me from chasing excellence.

Should I end things or just let the relationship run its natural course, trying to enjoy the ride while it lasts, seeing that I have a good thing going? If so, how do I stop letting those thoughts of her sexual past interfere? How do I deal with the fear of missing out on other girls and sexual experiences? Regardless, I will keep on working on myself and my future, lifting and trying to keep having other options.

Maybe this all sounds immature or stupid, but I want to grow and learn how to become better and to not let thoughts get the best of me. As many of you have much more life experience than I do, I would like to know your thoughts and opinions. Thank you for reading this.