I feel like I’m on the constant verge of a total mental meltdown. I feel like shit, but I never know why or what to do about it.

I feel like shit, why? Did I not sleep well, am I dehydrated, is my testosterone low, hungry? Who the fuck knows. So I sleep, eat drink and lift, yet still feel like shit.

So I sit down in a dark quiet room and just shut up, I just close my eyes and sit in silence. The girl I fucked a few days ago pops in my head. Then I realize, I’ve actually not been able to stop thinking about her. Craving to see her again. I’ve been thinking about her all this time. How bad I want her.

So I realize why I feel like shit. I’m anxious. There is something I want that I ultimately have no control over. I don’t know if she will want me back, and I can’t force her. So I have to think, and think hard. How do I solve this…..

So I think if I can’t force my outcome to what I want, I should develop outcome dependancy. So here I am outloud telling myself its ok. I’m happy without her. I have other girls I’m fucking anyway so why does it make sense I want her so bad. On and on for 30 minutes. Now I feel happy, calm, good, energetic and ready to attack the world.

Then other shit bugging me comes up…. I realize I’m anxious because I’m waiting for STD results. So I tell myself I have nothing to fear because likely I have nothing. And if I do its cureable. Now I feel even better, amazing.

But what the fuck is all this shit. Who am I talking to. Why do I have to sit in silence and out loud tell myself for 30 minutes that I’m ok in order to feel ok. Why do I have to coddle myself like a child. What the fuck is going on.

I already know my life is great as is, I already know there is no real danger or threat. Yet I live in mental hell until I sit down and rationalize it all out to myself. Why doesn’t my brain just automatically do that, like fucking breathing for example.

My brain won’t let me stop breathing and die, so why does it let me mentally torture myself until I manually step in and tell it to shut the fuck up.

But now I get even more overwhelming anxiety, because I realize just how fucked all this is. That I have no control. I realize my brain can trick itself into a hell, into psychological drowning. What if I was too stupid to realize I should sit down and meditate. What if I was too stupid to realize I needed outcome independence, what if I was too stupid to know that I shouldn’t be worried of an STD. Then I’d keep drowning because the daddy me wouldn’t be strong enough to save the retarded emotional child me.

So I keep going in mental mindfuckery. Someone help my ass. I’m mentally exhausted, emotionallt fucking fried