I literally need advise of how to go on and set up my life, from strangers on the internet, but nothing was never normal in my life anyway
I was born in south Italy 3 years ago, was a happy kid, even if I didn't talk too much. My red pill journey started at middle school, I fell in love with this cute girl, she had that super cute girl next door face, and she's still cute even if she's post wall, I was in love with her for 4 years, wrote poems love songs for hers, bought her gifts like flours or small stuffed animals, I wrote her name on my books.
She didn't want me and didn't even know why, I thought that the way love works is just saying to a girl that you love her, and she should love you back. I started noticing that she dated and kissed many guys, those guys were all cute backstreet boys type. I started hating my face and my looks and telling everyone that love is based on looks and i will never find a girlfriend because I'm not good-looking.
Teachers, parents and doctors told me that love is based on personality, not looks, and that I'm crazy...and they were right. I started self medicating drinking wine to think less, i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and borderline personality disorder.I started seeing things through a redpill lens, there was this chad in my group as a teenager, he was fucking all the girls, girls ask about him but when a less attractive guy doesn't go out, they don't even notice. They salute chad with 2 kisses on the cheek, and they just say "HI" to the rest of us. Started reading Charles Darwin to find out how woman mate select based on genetics, i think i was 18 and went very deep on Darwin and studies about evolutionary psychology and the effect of looks.
Another redpill moment is when i went to my parents country (TUNISIA, north Africa) for vacation. I had a good-looking cousin there and in 2 months span he fucked 6 girls. He told he fucked this Tunisian girl that started crying after fucking, she said "we did the wrong thing, Allah doesn't want that". So girls can violate her own religious principles to fuck a handsome guy. The other girls he fucked were western tourists. He also had a date with a girl I liked, we went on a date me and him and the girl and her little sister. The only reason I was there is because he need it my company because the girl can't go out without her sister.
I liked this girl, she knew I had more money because I live in Italy, yet she never showed any interrest. When my handsome cousin approached her they set up a date in 3 minutes. He also dated a girl that was helping my mum cleaning our house, she waited for him, so he could approach her. She set things up after eye contact. Redpill was working inside me and I didn't know how to call it and felt so strange.On 2009 something very bad happened to my brother, and we had to move to north Italy to help him, this is me when they interviewed me in the news about my brother https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=31kR__qpsws
In north Italy I found better clinics to treat my disorders too, it was very bad, couldn't wake up before 3 pm, had fucked up sleep cycle, I slept during the day and was awake at night.
For years I din't knew what to eat and were to sleep, after taking care for my brother and getting a public house, my mother didn't want me and I din't want her too. I still hate her to this day.
Never lost hope completely, tried to kill myself but I was hoping to survive, I went looking for trains and high building but never did it. When I remember those years I can say I was very patient and resilient, never took drugs like other bipolar guys and stuff like that.
Start working as a pizza delivery guy in 2014, finished my diploma at night school, tried university, chemistry department but couldn't do it, after 6 exams i had to be hospitalized again for my bipolar.
In 2017 I was searching stuff like "why society denies that females choose based on looks forum”, found an incel forum and turned black pill, stayed like that 2 years doing tinder experiments, I only started lifting when I found redpill content that promotes self-improvement, built a home gym and started lifting like crazy. I went from superskinny fat with narrow shoulders and large hips to decent and lean https://imgur.com/a0EUVdO . Now I have an online coach to help, I think it's a matter of months and I will have full abs for the first time in my life.
To give you perspective, for most of these years I was a beta guy, trying to make woman laugh, simping, I gradually became less simp, I don't like to say alpha, there's nothing alpha about a guy who has to deliver pizza at 33 to survive, but I unplugged from the simping era, specially after finding a book called The Rational Male.
I also started to hate woman, even if I crave sex, intimacy and good times with girls i don't love them and don't want to marry.Fast forward to this day, I still deliver pizza for a living, from 2014, it's been 8 years! This part-time job allowed me to survive, I have my own house now, I bought this very old and cheap apartment but it only needs 10k to become a cool apartment. I think my bipolar is 90% under control, but I feel emotional sometimes, the other day I was delivering, it was very cold and rainy and started asking myself what I'm doing, what type of life is this. I need this part-time job because it allows me to do my things during the day, workout, build my online business and work on my music to become a singer.
With a 9to5 job I would have more money to buy a car and make my apartment look cool, but i would have way less time for those things. I look at my old friends on Facebook, they all have beer belly, a post wall wife and two kids, and I don't want that, I want to have time to build myself but I'm not as productive as I can be, I spend hours looking at girls on Instagram.
I thought about therapy, but I'm scared it doesn't work, when redpill becomes second nature we forget that we are very very different and rare, 99.9% of people are not like us. the therapist is most likely to be a female who lost her virginity with chad at 15, I'm scared I might end up punching her in the face after hearing some bluepill cringe. Also, I think therapy is not really scientific, it's something that's part of bluepill system, it's most likely to work if you're left liberal and believe in it. I doubt it can change brain chemistry.
I also thought about having an agenda, something like 9 am workout 11 am online business 3pm stretch. This way i do what's in the agenda without allowing my brain to overthink and waste time looking for girls on ig. Maybe medication might help because my mood disorder is not 100% recovered, who knows, they don't even have blood tests for mood disorder so I will never know.
I watched this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0iyKP4viEc i'm fed up with beign a loser, I want to start to live life, date girls, make friends and heal, but I don't know how to do it. Sometimes i start thinking during day and waste time with no action, sometimes I wake up early, but I spend another hour in bed fantasizing about fucking a girl and cuddle.
I would like to be 100% focused like the guy described in the video, I'm too different now to go back to a normal bluepill life.
Maybe no one will read because it's too long but I needed to talk about my life, i feel lonely even when i'm surrounded with bluepill people, you just can't talk with them about this stuff. I need a better way to set up my life and get results before my face becomes too old or start losing hair and end up with a 35 years old woman that weights more than me with 2 kids.
Any advice? thanks