Hi my brothers from another mother. Hope everyone enjoyed the first onslaught of the holidays. With that said lets jump into it
Background: I've been in the original TRP community for some time now before it was quarantined in Reddit, good looking guy, tren enthusiast, successful in business/work, and have experienced lots of different women prior and after LTR.
Issue at Hand: The title says most of it and will elaborate on context of the situation below. Main Question to keep in mind: Why the fuck is this happening and how do I get past this?
Context: Had a strong 2+ year LTR. We were instant matches personality wise and the obsession with one another became instantly insane (good and bad). Partying together, trips, various fun events, shit-testing each other on the reg, had various ups and downs (as any relationship), tons of good and bad memories, etc. Arguably the strongest add-on to the organic connection was the sex, both had insane drives, fucking all the time, it was our vice which (sometimes) distracted us from our goals. Romantic fantasy, blah, blah, type of shit. Then life started to do its thing, COVID bs, changing environments, differences in life/career direction started to spawn.
Down in the city where we both were some administrative changes occurred which altered my objectives in life, as well as new opportunities erupting elsewhere, and the city we were in was extremely cucked regarding covid. Likewise, she was still finishing her undergrad at the time and I throughly disliked the city and was hit with the choice of taking this relationship to long distance (Which obviously I did not want to do and confirmed it doesn't work but I figured I would test the waters anyway.) Long distance in this case was just a few driving hours away so thats why I rationalized it at the time because the relationship prior was relatively bulletproof and we had invested so much time together (Mistake #1).
This period is where lots of different topics converged at one time, monetary constraint due to our shitbag politicians rules on the coof (shutting down jobs and biz), health problem arising which other city had better resources for, her mental state deteriorating due to shit going on around (environmental), me not being in the same area, me focusing on building out the biz in the uncucked city, her pressuring me into marriage relatively soon down the road, etc. Everything hit at once and frame obviously suffered where issues within the relationship started to show.
After dealing with some of these cracks/issues starting to manifest themselves: Her deteriorating mental state, me not being there daily, her friends turning on me, etc I had a difficult choice but decided to end it because I saw the trajectory in which the relationship was headed and wanted to end it amicably with limited fallout and move on the next chapter. However, this completely blew up in my face.
I initially had her over and initiated the "break" but remained in contact because I wanted to be amicable and genuinely cared about her (Mistake #2) but this started to fester jealousy and confusion as it was a quasi-realtionship still (It still had't hit her she was in a disbelief stage and we were too emotional connected as well). A week later I easily realized this was a terrible mistake and had to make the shitty executive decision to block her and reiterate what was discussed in person. (Sent respectful text then immediate block on everything because if I didn't she would try to weasel her way back in). This is where everything blew up and I basically alpha widowed her to a degree, somewhat blindsided her a week later before we were supposed to "meet again" with the conversation/texts. Complete cluster fuck, emails and texts with her upset and crying, her friends hitting me up bitching me out, the whole nine yards. Felt like dogshit and honestly still do, she currently hates my guts as indicated with the texts, and found some other info out later on actually how much she loved me which even surprised me which twisted the knife more.
After this debacle, I jumped right into post breakup detox: Smashing business/work, various life goals working toward and accomplishing, dialing in health, getting huge, immediately fucking more women, etc. But honestly I grew bored and unfulfilled with the grind: pushing paper (Biz/work) for paper (Fiat Money) lost my interest after having a decent amount and getting what I want, unfulfilling numerous hookup sex - lack of dialed in passion (Thinking each time would be different, but same feeling), superficial low quality women trying to fuck me for my money, partying lost interest due to my parallel lack of interest in alcohol (don't really enjoy being hungover since I'm now older), etc. Also not interested in an LTR for quite some time for various professional, personal reason, and recent experience.
TLDR: So long story short, I genuinely regret my decision as she was solid and dedicated to me even during turbulent times and for some reason I still crave/miss that prior relationship. I do a relatively good job keeping all of it out of my mind but it still haunts me and will occasionally hit me like a truck. I've been unmotivated recently and somewhat lost while doing some reflecting before the new year. Reiterating the Main Question: Why and what the fuck is this happening and how do I get past this?
Thanks ahead of time for the insight and perspectives this is a weird one tbh, I've been baffled with it. (If some of the older guys could chime in that would be appreciated too)