My LTR of 2 yrs had her birthday on 11th oct. I asked her if i can come visit her (since I am living away from the city she resides in currently due to work). She said no she didn't feel like celebrating it this year since she was having a mental breakdown due to some career issues (she's seeking therapy and has been diagnosed with moderate depression). 2days before her birthday she told me her friends are planning something and i should also come. I said no since it was too last minute to book tickets etc. I called her up to wish her birthday on 11th at 12:15 (3 times) she didn't pick up and texted me that she was in the midst of cutting the cake (just before i called her she was on the phone with someone as it was busy). I didnt make a big deal about it and just texted her happy birthday. She texted I love you etc. Even the day before i called her 2 times but she replied with a text. So now it was a total of 5 calls with no call back. I didnt bother to call her at all after that. on 13th she tells me she is going to a trip with her friends (all girls). I acted cool and told her to have fun. I didnt call or text her at all after that. She kept sending me pictures from the trip and kept texting me about how she missed me and wanted to video call. I didnt get angry and kept my cool and told her the same thing but didnt initiate calls or text. She called me a couple of times and i called her back but didnt linger on the phone for more than 2 mins. But i want bitchy. She would call me after 12 am in the night but i saw no point talking to her that late like a plate. So i would call back the next day. She came back a couple of days ago and apologised for being distant and cold etc. She said she was depressed and just wanted some time to herself (but she kept calling me and texting me all through the trip; sometimes multiple calls). I was completely cool but during the end of our conversation she blew up when she started demanding why i didnt write her a letter this year. You see, i wrote her a love letter on her birthday every year since we have been together. She has asked me to write it frequently but i ignore that. Its like an event for her. This year too i wrote it but since she blew me off by not calling back i didn't send it to her. No she kept being aggressive with me about how it was my fault that her birthday was ruined because i didnt send her a letter and i could have sent her on text or kept calling her until she picked up her phone. And that since she was drunk she might have missed the calls (doubtful) I just told her i tried 3times and i dont want to fight over it she asked me to talk to her later. Its been 3 days since then. The next day i sent her a scanned copy of the letter but she said she'll read it later when we would have a video call. Since then i have called her 2 times on the video but she said she was sleeping or busy so we should talk later. I didn't push it and hung up. She was at her friends yesterday so i dint push it. Even today there has been no msg or call from her. Though she did tell me she was going to therapy yesterday and taking medicines for depression. Now i don't want to be an asshole or anything but i have an exam in 20 days and she is just creating unnecessary drama. She was being all sweet the day she came back and even apologized for being distant and kept asking me if things are alright between us although she wasn't distant since i was the one who never picked up her calls after she avoided me on her birthday. Whats my move here? Should i just let it be or msg her again or just call her?
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whytehorse2021 4y ago
First of all, she's depressed and on meds. She is not ready for an LTR. Can you imagine having kids with a depressed woman on meds? Coming home to that shit every night? Even though she has an LTR for 2 years she's depressed. Then she goes out on a trip with the girls and gets drunk? Fucked? In the ass?
Honestly, I would tell her she better get her shit together right away or it's over. In the meantime move on. You don't need that crap in your life. I've had all kinds of horrible shit happen to me and I never put it on my wife. We're talking illness, low T, deaths in the family, etc.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
I am just slowly withdrawing from the relationship right now. When she calls i dont feel the warmth or love like i used to feel maybe a week or 2 ago. Maybe i am experiencing the light switch effect. there are no i love yous or i miss yous. It feels forced. Maybe its in my head or maybe shes just depressed or maybe shes giving me space to study for my exam but this shit is weird as f. It didnt used to feel like that before when she withdrew but now it does and i cant put my finger on it. Ill just keep on my purpose and hit the gym. Ill leave the calling and texting to her completely. I am also scared that maybe shes waiting for my exam to end it. Although since i dont really love her or wanted to get married to her 100%, the hurt will probably be manageable.
whytehorse2021 4y ago
Yeah, put yourself first. She obviously isn't.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
I spoke to her on the phone today and had an honest conversation. No blame game. We laid out our problems with each other. She has been diagnosed with moderate depression and is on meds. Eventually i told her the way things are don't work for me and we need to make some changes and communicate if we are to stay together and she needs to visit. We were both sad and couldn't come to terms with it so i told her it wont work and things that i want are non negotiable but i am willing to improve my behavior too. We said I love you multiple times and ended the relationship. She asked me not to block her.
master-of-losers 4y ago
You're trying to please her too much. Why did you send her a scanned copy of the letter if she didn't even bother to answer your calls the day before? Take a step back and look at her actions and yours. Does she deserve your treatment? You must go on maximum attention withdrawal, which won't be hard as you have an exam coming up that you should study for.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
She video called me yesterday. She was all depressed as fuck. Said she was on meds so her head was spinning. I asked her to read the letter. She said she didnt want to do it since she feels she forced me into writing her the letter. I told her thats not the case she should read it. She cried her eyes out while reading it and kept asking me why i love her. She said she has abandonment issues. she said we wont work since i have moved to a different city for the time being and i will probably never come back and i was always undecided about marriage. Thats not entirely true though. I told her to leave breaking up aside just focus on positives. (i said it since she blames me that i leave as soon as she talks about breaking up and never stop her and she felt unwanted) She didnt push it. We had a cordial chat afterwards. We have texted each other today normally. But i called her up today too but she didnt call me back
master-of-losers 4y ago
Dude, I'm terrible sorry for your situation. She is probably thinking about upgrading to someone else and looking for a way to break up without it being her fault. Asking a lot why you love her is a huge red flag.
You're also failing shit tests:
Let's rephrase what she said: "I forced you into taking time and writing me a letter and now I won't even read it." Very disrespectful, right? You could've answered something like: "Well, now that I've been forced into writing this letter, you'd might as well read it."
She talks about breakup and says she feels unwanted because you don't stop her. What?? SHE talks about breaking up and supposedly YOU are the one that doesn't want her. Shouldn't it be the other way around?? Say something like: "I'd like a girl that wants to be with me and isn't considering breaking up. If you're considering breaking up, then I don't really want you."
Don't get distracted by all her "depression". I was once fucking a girl who had a boyfriend. With me she'd be super happy, but with him she'd act all depressed, ask him why he loves her, find excuses why they won't work etc. I'm really sorry this might be happening to you. Stop investing in her, start seeing other girls and stop letting her turn you into a beta (you are already pretty beta from what I've read and you have oneitis).
Axlerod9999 4y ago
Feels like shes branch swinging. The warmth and love in her voice is gone. She just appears caring and supportive like some chick friend. Maybe shes waiting it out until my exam. I have decieded to slowly withdraw from the relationship. Will only reply to calls and text. She is also trying to get accustomed to living without me i guess because the calls & msgs have declined and the baby etc is gone.
master-of-losers 4y ago
Good! Don't give her much attention. You don't have to reply to her calls and texts. She wasn't replying to yours either. I don't want to give you a false sense of hope, but if you go hardcore on attention withdrawal and start seeing other girls such that she's aware of it, there may be a chance of winning her back.
Stay strong!
Axlerod9999 4y ago
I spoke to her on the phone today and had an honest conversation. No blame game. We laid out our problems with each other. She has been diagnosed with moderate depression and is on meds. Eventually i told her the way things are don't work for me and we need to make some changes and communicate if we are to stay together and she needs to visit. We were both sad and couldn't come to terms with it so i told her it wont work and things that i want are non negotiable but i am willing to improve my behavior too. We said I love you multiple times and ended the relationship. She asked me not to block her.
master-of-losers 4y ago
Breakups are never easy with a person you love. You'll have to stay strong and move on. Good luck!
PaidThaCost 4y ago
She is trying to upgrade but keeping you around just in case. If I called my girlfriend and she replied with a text that would be a huge red flag to me, especially if she does it more than once.
Start planning for the end and reducing your emotional ties. Every time she disrespects you and you accept it, she loses a little more respect for you. Why don't you just tell her what you expect in a girlfriend? You are playing her game and trying to win it. Make her play yours or walk away.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
Should i tell her what i expect? Would that not be highly BP move. I am asking her to do things. Would that not break the frame ?
PaidThaCost 4y ago
If you don't tell her how will she know? I had a previous girlfriend who I texted on her birthday and sent gifts too. She was quite upset all day. Later she told me she expected me to call her, no big deal so on her next birthday I called her. What is beta is telling her more than once or begging her to do it.
You are not telling her what to do - you say something like, I like my girlfriends to worship me every morning - she doesn't have to do it, it's up to her. I don't like it when I call a girl and she texts me back, if she respects/values you then she will not do it again. If she does, you have your answer.
Bottom line, what you are doing now is not working and making things worse. Are you ready to walk away?
Axlerod9999 4y ago
I am ready to walk if things get worse. The problem is they are not. Its in a limbo. I dont feel the love and warmth of a girlfriend in her voice but that of a simple friend. It has only been a week since she changed so maybe iam over reacting. I just dont know. Should i give it more time? I told her to text me back when i call her and she cant call back for some reason and to not ignore and go on texting me like a moron. She agreed to it instantly.
[deleted] 4y ago
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Axlerod9999 4y ago
I am already not fucking her. She lives somewhere else currenty
Semenbaptism 4y ago
I'd cut her some slack, career issues are a reason to be stressed out, a good reason. As for the giving her space, it's a test and you passed with flying colors.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
Shes being a bit of a bitch though. I have called her numerous times since she came back. She always seems depressed and wants to hang up. She didnt call me back today although shes texting normally
master-of-losers 4y ago
Stop calling. She'll reach out herself once she misses you enough.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
Yup i have decided to slowly withdraw and see what happens. The point is i dont like playing these games. But if i say something it would look way too beta and needy
master-of-losers 4y ago
You can either: Play games OR get busy enough to truly not have much time and attention for chicks.
Axlerod9999 4y ago
I spoke to her on the phone today and had an honest conversation. No blame game. We laid out our problems with each other. She has been diagnosed with moderate depression and is on meds. Eventually i told her the way things are don't work for me and we need to make some changes and communicate if we are to stay together and she needs to visit. We were both sad and couldn't come to terms with it so i told her it wont work and things that i want are non negotiable but i am willing to improve my behavior too. We said I love you multiple times and ended the relationship. She asked me not to block her.