Got a knot in my head fellas, trying to find the best way to deal with it.
Quick context, I'm M23, been RP aware and practicing for 3 years now. I spin plates, but have never attempted an LTR.
I grew up with a mother who didn't love me.
Psychological issues aside, I've slowly come to terms with the fact that receiving that kind of maternal love is simply something I missed out on in life. Oh well, what can ya do about it?
Despite this, I find myself most drawn to those real nurturing type of girls who make it their mission to completely pamper and baby you whenever they see you. That shit is just as good to me as folding them in half while I stretch out that butthole.
Problem is, these types of girls, at least in my experience, tend to be pushier for commitment. Then later down the road when they realise they're not gonna get it, they move on. No issues with them doing that, it's part of the game.
Plate spinning is easy when it's super simple fuck-buddy stuff. But I always find myself screening my plates for these extra nurturing types I like, then training the shit out of those desired behaviours over weeks/months.
Sometimes it feels like more effort than it's worth, but it's the only thing I can do to sate those monkey brain desires of mine to be nurtured.
I've spent a lot of time being introspective about this, I went real deep and found the root of it all. I thought I could rewire myself and get rid of these expectations I have of women, with a new perspective or discipline, something like that. But, those instincts are still deeply embedded in my system.
I'm trying to make an honest assessment of what I see as one of my biggest weaknesses, and figure out a way to adapt my approach to women to make that part of myself easier to deal with, and to not fall into any traps.
I find that if I have fewer than 2-3 of these 'mommy plates' going at any time, I get a little oneitis-y about them. No way am I committing to a monogamous LTR with that in mind. I have considered making open LTRs with these girls before, under the hypocritical stipulation that I get to sleep around and she doesn't, I've even had some of them suggest that to me, but I've never taken that route yet as I'm not sure how to play it, or if it comes with its own set of problems.
Is the solution more introspection, more psychological knot untangling, in an effort to get rid of these need-to-be-babied desires altogether?
Or, should I focus on ways I can shift my strategy to more effectively get these kinds of girls in my sphere?
Have any of you older guys had a similarly unfortunate upbringing, and got left with this same problem in your 20s? If so, how did you solve it?
BigBoiBahmani 4y ago
Just try to get in your head that you can never get the love you missed out on in your childhood from these women as it is not in their nature. Each time you expect that, you are fucking up and doing injustice to yourself and them.
Define your goals, needs and wants and dont deviate from them.
Vermillion-Rx Admin 4y ago
I had the opposite problem growing up but somehow still ended up with the same end result as you, so I can give my perspective.
I grew up too sheltered and my mom helicoptered me. Always babying the shit out of me when I was sick, trying to do everything for me when I was kid, always wanting to cook and take care of me even after I learned how to do that shit on my own and would rather do it on my own
So now those traits in girls/women are like cocaine to me as well. Like you, a girl can lovingly or assuringly rub me on the back/hair and it'll give me more of a psychological kick than a great blowjob.
If I go too long without that kind of touch /care, I can start obsessing over it. So my two cents is a bit different on what I think the problem could be, because I did grow up with maternal love.
You didn't mention this, but for me, I think my biggest problem isn't that I desire their assuring/affectionate per se, it's because I don't love myself yet. Every time I feel what you say you crave that lack of self-love gets overriden with someone else's, even if I barely know them
I don't know if you love yourself or not, but it could be a factor if you don't love yourself
Edit, I'm late 20's
Magic 4y ago
I think there's some truth to what you said there regarding self-esteem. I was very insecure in my early days, and when I was gaming girls I would always lose interest in them the second I knew I had them wrapped around my finger.
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whytehorse2021 4y ago
I don't really see that as mommy issues. Nurturing women are a good thing. I think you have some blue pill programming that is making you think there is some kind of love that your mom could have given you. In reality, as a boy, you would've been taken from your mother around age 7 and raised by men. So maybe you didn't get the male experience and instead got the "boys raised to be shitty girls" experience. I can tell you from experience you won't fix it via women. You need men.
Anyway, my wife pampers the shit out of me and my mother is a pathological narcissist that abandoned her family to go "find herself". I hate exclusive sex but prefer social monogamy so I have my wife and fuck everyone on the planet. She hates non-exclusive sex so she only sleeps with me and we have a don't ask/don't tell policy. Everyone is happy. No mommy issues.
Magic 4y ago
I think you might be right, maybe my expectations of what receiving love should feel like are all out of whack. In truth, I'm perfectly content with the pampering I get from these girls, I just find training them up to that point to be a chore. Like you, and a lot of guys, I've always liked the idea of social monogamy without sexual exclusivity on my part. Perhaps I'll give something like that a try, thanks for the insight.
whytehorse2021 4y ago
Yeah it turns out we're wired for social monogamy after mating to ensure offspring survival. This why when you get your first woman you "fall in love" and you're "heart broken" long after she dumps you. In reality it's oxytocin and vasopressin changing your brain.