Personally not my thing anymore. How should this be handled? Been together for a couple years.
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Growing 2y ago
If you don't go with her, she'll go alone.
If you go with her, you'll see her for how she is.
Then you can decide whether to keep her as an ltr or demote
Drainstink 2y ago
I’d rather skip that and just see if she tries to go alone, then end it. Why even bother going with in that case? Im fine with going to bars together etc but Clubs i know are just places for hooking up and getting attention. Its literally one of the few places i think people in LTRs have no need to be ever.
Im thinking of just saying not up for it, but if its your thing feel free or something like that. Gets to the point much easier imo .
While i know guys can go “just to dance and meet people” i think women fundamentally can never. They are always open to something else and putting themselves in the environment is enough. If brad pitt hit on them they wouldnt be just dancing anymore.
YourOwnDisaster 2y ago
If you're leaning towards going with her, Answer these honestly for yourself.
If you can answer positively to all of these, go with her and talk up a few attractives. Watch how fast her mateguarding comes into play.
Conversely, if you're slacking in the above, you'll most likely do the mateguarding. Not a good look.
Drainstink 2y ago
Yes to all, but its as i said, i just dont feel like its an environment for a relationship. Not interested in going. Its of no benefit at all. Maybe for plates.
YourOwnDisaster 2y ago
Then don't go. This becomes a boundary.
"I don't date girls who go clubbing". Obviously enforce to the extent you decide is appropriate.
Drainstink 2y ago
Telling her that and mentioning she is free to go if she wants fine?(but breaking off if she does) Dont want to sound like im mate guarding with the boundary either. Need a way to express that
YourOwnDisaster 2y ago
No. It's a statement and leave it at that. "I don't date girls who go clubbing". You don't need to give her permission to do so of her own accord. It Should be as understandable as "I don't date girls who hang out with their exes".
You are choosing not to give your commitment, time and affection to girls who go clubbing. If you've done a good job at enforcing boundaries and hold a good frame, she'll understand it as a hard boundary that she may or may not test.
If she asks why, you can give her your simple reason of "I'm not into dating those types of girls" and leave it at that. You don't have to further explain.
There's a thin line between mateguarding and boundaries. In a sense, with strong enough frame and if you're her hypergamous best option, boundaries are mateguarding done right.
Growing 2y ago
I'm not sure but I think it's her circle. Do her girl friends club? If they do, she is most likely to. She can't stand missing out but she still wants you around. So she is looking for a compromise by inviting you. That's just my opinion
laclasse 2y ago
She is missing the excitement in the relationship in my opinion. And she is trying to give you a last wake up call before she checks out. Are you still giving her exciting dates without telling her what you will be doing? If clubbing is not for you, spark excitement threw activities what she would not excpect from you. Stir things up again. Question I got is are you the same guy she meet when you first started dating or have you got complacent.
Drainstink 2y ago
Its just reality though. LTRs dont stay the same. If she expected it too then fair enough i can let her go and she can start again somewhere else and end up the same. I constantly do things together, day trips, dinner etc, and long trips. I dont do surprises i’ll be honest because when i used to she never took it well and i dont wanna reward her with them in that case.
There is no fighting familiarity of a LTR. We dont live together or anything. Idk, i feel like you’re advice is correct but its so much more relevant to plates.
Something to think about anyway thanks
laclasse 2y ago
That my friend is the modern LTR. You have your turn and then she moves on. This will change when she gets older (do not know how old you are). She then will look for security and stay with the best option she has when she ages (options are not as good as when she was younger). She may then regret not have stayed with you. All you can do is improve your SMV and when you age you can keep dating prime women (18-23).
Intrepid_Place53900 2y ago
Clubbing or does she want to go dancing? Big difference.
IF she wants to go out dancing, take her out, doesn't have to be a club.
whytehorse2021 2y ago
Take her to the club and ditch her for a hotter woman. The bigger clubs usually have a model on payroll there to sucker chumps into staying and buying drinks. Go home with the model and make your ltr take an uber home. Basically, these are the possible outcomes of going clubbing together:
She gets drunk and uses you as her driver, chaperone, and she gets in a bunch of fights that you have to break up
So I say fuck it: use her for preselection instead.
KirthWGersen 2y ago
I've been dozens of times with "friends", lovers, a wife.
You go together, you dance together, have fun together and leave together. It's easy.
What are you worried about? If you are worried she is going to dance and flirt with other guys, you have far bigger issues to worry about. If you don't trust her with something as basic as that, how can she be your LTR?
Drainstink 2y ago
Plenty of places to go dancing. Night clubs imo, and you are free to disagree, are sexual hunting grounds especially for women. They go to feel sexy, be open to a brad pitt encounter and bathe in eyes and attention and use it as a chance to shit test you.
Why would i have any business going to a club to dance when there are better places to do that? I see the value as a plate, and i did it with her before making her my LTR as it is a good attraction builder. But shes my LTR now. It makes no sense. Im obviously happy to let the LTR die if it came to it but imo it’s basically like shoving it towards it needlessly by bringing her to one of my own accord. Its potentially a place to pass shit tests and increase attraction sure(which is why I said its good for plates) but i dont need to go there to do either of those. They happen in our LTR life already, and by going you are just normalising an environment which isnt really suitable for a LTR. Its needless IMO.
coolsocks00 1 2y ago
You've already made up your mind.
Never done it in a LTR but i think clubs can be fine if you actually enjoy it, know how to dance, have good frame, etc. Sure it's all the things you describe but it's not like it's doomed. It's just risky if your attraction and game is not on point. At the same time it could spice up a relationship, just like any exciting variety of fun can.
Drainstink 2y ago
Its great for a plate. Honestly. It sure can “spice up” a relationship but its like cutting off the boats anchor because you are bored. It created excitement, everyone is panicking now, no longer bored but its created a problem. You could have just done something else.
Like you said, be “on point”. I’ve matured enough to know im not always gonna be “on point” and its way smarter to pick your battles. Why bring yourself to a situation inviting a fuck up unless the reward is huge. Thats cutting your nose to spite your face.
The risk reward is heavily skewed to doing it with plates imo. Idk, i just find it really hard to justify nightclubs as LTR, i have always wondered why people do it even before Rp, i always assumed the women forced the guy to allow it and ye comes out of mate guarding. There just isnt a compelling reason to do this
Jester 2y ago
100% agree with you drainstink. you aren't always going to be on point. the guys who say "just pick up a model the same night" or "if you have strong frame she won't want to get attention from other guys" are being disingenuous... like it's that easy to just 'pick up and smash a model' that same night, or have such strong frame she won't test your boundaries by partially entertaining guys who approach her at the night club. at the end of the day you have to save her from herself. yes clubs are for having fun, but more importabtly for getting attention and misbehaving (flirting, kissing, exchanging numbers, one night stands)... your LTR wants to put herself into a 'single's enviroment'. trust me she ain't trying to go to the club wearing modest clothes, she's gonna want to dress sexy, she'll say it's for you if you ask, but at the end of the day it's for attention from males as a whole. I like how Donovan Sharpe handles these things (keep in mind he sets these boundaries PRIOR to getting into a ltr). but he says if his girl wants to go the the club he tells her she's absolutely allowed to do that and he won't stop her, but she will no longer be in a relationship with you when she get back. "I don't date girls who go to night clubs (which is a singles eviroment filled with; alcohol, dressing sexy to get attention from guys, single guys approaching you and gaming you, all which comes with the increased possibility of "he was cute, i was drunk, and one thing led to another. I'm sorry :/"
so at the end of the day I would let her know that you don't date girls who participate in activities or exhibit behaviors that single people do. if she still wants to go that is totally fine. but you won't be her boyfriend when she returns. (don't say it in a butt hurt way either, just matter of factly). if she violated the boundary you either leave her and hard next... or you can demote her to a plate as long as your resolve is strong enough to never get back into a ltr with her (because if you do she will know you don't enforce your boundaries and she will continue with this poor behavior)