Hey guys,
In a situation with my girlfriend. Been together a year and a half and currently live together (I know some will think not ideal, which is true, but it saves me lots of cash). She is lazy, has slight lazy attitude about being asked to do small things, and the kicker is started denying oral for lazy reasons.
Any lazy excuse in the book may come out; Tired, headache, just ate, about to eat, not enough time before work, etc.
So when she denied me yesterday based on being tired, I was like ah whatever and spent the evening setting my new laptop, cooking, playing games, and reading. At some point she asks me "when are you gonna be done I've been waiting to spend time with you".
I tell her I'm not sure and that I'm having a good time doing my thing, but will let her know. She doesn't like that response, and is very very intuitive. She practically points out that I'm withdrawing emotional attention because she denied me sexual attention.
I say "Well no I'm just doing my thing, I don't know what would have been different if you gave me that"
She hates that answer but knows she can't be mad, and we split for the night. Now she is clearly in a shitty mood this morning, and I can tell intuitively understands what is going on.
So now I am a little lost on how to handle this situation. She believes her emotional needs > my sexual needs, and thinks her denying me 15 minute oral is okay, but me not giving her my time and attention isn't okay. She is clearly trying to set up a dynamic where she HAS to get what she wants, but I do not.
This is the tough, because if this ever happened with a girl I wasn't dating, I just wouldn't hit her up and she would have no right to demand my time. My girlfriend doesn't either, but she has the ability to create a moral high horse by placing emotions above sex.
How the hell to navigate?
TL;DR - Girlfriend can tell that I'm not going to give her the attention she wants if she doesn't give me what I want, even if I do not make it explicit and obvious. Seems she wants to believe that her emotional needs are needs and my sexual needs are just wants. What do?
Edit: I should say she does give me head, at least a few times a week. But I hate the attitude she can get, and I want more, and not to be denied 15 minutes of effort bc she is sleepy.
LaskerV 5y ago
First off, I don't see a shit test anywhere in any of this.
She gives you head often except when she has a legitimate reason not to.
This all comes across as you getting butthurt because you equate her giving you head no matter the circumstance to getting validation.
strata15 5y ago
Basically, you need to be inflexible on all issues with her no matter how trivial. She craves a man who dominates her, be gentle but relentless with your asking, dont take no for an answer.
Listen to the first segment https://youtu.be/aHOXAmtghow
mattyanon Admin 5y ago
This is a correct analysis.
The problem is that you are NEGOTIATING. You are happy to exchange A for B....... or rather: your time for her sucking. And now things are transactional, and that's not sexy.
Sadly this dynamic is easy to slip into, and women will very easily drive you into this: "let's live together" => "I don't feel like sex tonight" => "I am not your whore!" / "You only want me for sex".
You're right to do the cold shoulder / withdraw attention. But this is zero threat to her because she can still see you, and still has access to you (to complain).
Basically you need to do dread game, but you need to do it better. Be out of the house more (I know this is challenging right now, but sadly your lack of options is killing attraction). Hit the gym more if possible. Really work on yourself, be as attractive as possible.
Next seek out ways to not live with her any more. You don't have to go through with them, but be open to other options. Work out "how would I leave". Come up with a plan. This will make you more attractive.
Next next do the same with girls: work out ways to meet more girls. THEN GO DO IT. You don't have to cheat (yet), but having more options makes you more attractive.
Ultimately you might have to move out / get another girl / cheat in order to have things work out. She has the option to not have sex with you, and you have the option to do anything else in life that you want.
absolutelylivid 5y ago
I want to say "Listen how much of trouble you're making for me isn't sitting right with me, we have to fix that or move on"
However, as per what I've read on TRP, it says "don't be explicit with ultimatums". So should I definitely not say that and instead go for what you described?
The thing is, I have options. I have 2 old plates just recently hit me up trying to get spun again, but I can't just point that out and expect it to go well.
I realize that I can do whatever I want. The thing is I KNOW that if I leave, she will immediately realize she should have shaped up, but will be too prideful to come back.
I need to make her realize she has to shape up without an ultimatum, right?
mattyanon Admin 5y ago
Yep, don't be explicit with ultimatums.
Weirdly, you sound like you want her to buckle down and perform a sex act out of duty to you. And when she doesn't, you want to threaten her by withholding your attention until she complies.
Are you going to be happy if she says "I don't want to do this, but I want the attention so I'll do it for you"? Is that what you really want? I doubt it. And she'll hate you for it.
You're totally right that she has no right to demand you to supply your side of a relationship when she doesn't supply hers. But negotiation does not equal attraction. You want to amp up ATTRACTION. You have to get her to WANT you. And that means the very serious possibility of losing you to someone else. Sexual competition is more erotic than any amount of negotiation.
In short: you cannot negotiate attraction.
No, but there are subtle ways to imply that you're thinking about it. Emotional distance, going out, not saying where you're going, working on yourself, being unavailable to her ..... are all ways to do it.
Basically no.
She's female, she doesn't work like that. MEN work like that. Women do not.
What you need to do is make her FEEL SEXUAL ATTRACTION.
absolutelylivid 5y ago
Man fuck. I realize I need to make her feel sexual attraction to the point that she will do it but her childish complaining is such a turn off that I don't feel like it. I don't feel like doing anything for her when she complains.
Thats why I want to merely withhold. Because I don't feel like putting in extra just because she is putting up difficulty.
Either way, thanks for the thorough advice.
mattyanon Admin 5y ago
Right. Her complaining should be ignored or avoided. Definitely not with you putting in extra.
Lack of sex should be tackled with doing what it takes to increase attraction: invoking competition anxiety, missing you more, you being more distant, more dominant, more attractive.
No problem, hope it helps. She might not be the girl for you though.
kingofthecastle 5y ago
She either got comfortable or you haven't checked her behavior, most of the time it's both. In this post you did but she still didn't correct herself.
Personally I would become distant with her until her behavior improves if she doesn't then I would cut her off (But I'm sure it's harder to do since you live with her and finances are involved.)
TheRedPike Senior Endorsed 5y ago
You draw her a map to the door.
She's in control and she knows it.