So, another one of those posts in askTRP, but I try to make it as good as possible.
I don't really know where to start, so I try to make this as readable as possible.
I am still living with my mother. She is sick and needs some care but since both me and her currently manage to loose weight, it's improving somewhat. I am 31 years old. No fatherfigure growing up, bluepilled beta as it could be all that.
I was fat all my life. Never had a serious relationship and until a year ago not even sex. I bought my first time and frankly every time since then. I was close to becoming a wizard in internet terms, a 30yo virgin.
But I managed to change a lot in the last year. I lost over 50kg so far, I work out every other day or more often.
I went from morbidly obese to "just" obese bordering merely overweight (BMI over 50 to now 31).
I work hard on my social skills (to even have some) and on the outside I do well. People recieve me in a positive manner, customers like working with me.
But behind the veil there's a lot of things gnawing at me and right now I feel like it's becoming a bit much.
I'm still in university and a friend offered me a job at his company some time ago. I did the odd job every now and then for him and he needed someone so it came together. I realize that friendship and business rarely if ever go well but he needed someone and I needed the job as well that I wanted to help.
Now, one problem is, I do not live up to the expectations. I see this myself and I try to change, but the job just isn't that much my thing to begin with. However, I realize that by now. Back when I started I was more motivated.
The best route would be to quit my job and move to a field I genuinly enjoy, but at the moment now I am bound.
My mother needs money for an expensive surgery and we just don't have any savings to speak of. The surgery will eat up everything but a small leftover, if not more.
I started a website a few weeks back that I put in time trying to start a side business with that while simultaneously doing something in the field I want to but this barely qualifies as more than a hobbies with low double digit visitor numbers. (although that isn't too bad).
I just don't get it. I have the possibility to work, yet I fail to perform.
I have the motivation to earn the money, yet I fail to follow through.
I want to do something, being at home I am filled with anxiety even after completly exhausting myself in a workout, but I don't see how or what.
Writing this made me think if I should post it at all.
I realized a few things myself while writing this. However, I will still post it.
You guys on here are brutally honest and that is probably just the right thing right now.
oytrp 7y ago
You've just been a lump of shit floating through life.
Not taking care of yourself, Still haven't finished school, Still at home, Not gaming women.
Changing jobs won't fix anything. If you got your dream job tomorrow, you'll still collapse into the fetal position because you're a bitch.
Work on what you have right now. Prove that you can do SOMETHING before you change ships yet again.
Start small. Accomplish easy tasks and build up to greater ones. Take the same mentality that got you to lose 50kg and apply it to your professional, educational, and social life.
fam76129 7y ago
This is literally what I realized typing this myself. You're damn right.
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jagdecat 7y ago
I'm the same. Cruised through life. Now am qualified for nothing. Isn't that a joke.
Today I made more F ups in a day then I did all month. All people oriented F ups. I don't have a real job. People call me genius on tech but damn I suck at even basic relationships and it seems life is 80 percent relationships and 20 percent skillset.
I'm lifting. Been learning life for 6 months. Trying to steel myself. Trying not to give a fuck. It's not easy. Sometimes I feel like ending it all but even then I'm a coward.
All I can say is hang in there. TRP is a great community. Maybe one day you and I both will be laughing at our posts.
fam76129 7y ago
Crazy, right?
But I feel better now. It helped just typing all this down, like getting the preasure of my chest.
I never felt like "ending it" but surely running away once it gets hard. In a way, this would be no different and I decided I do not want that. We'll get this.
ShotgunTRP 7y ago
Bro, there’s no quick simple fix. There’s no cheat code. There’s no fast tracking. No expediting the process.
You need to read the sidebar. As much of it as possible and digest it
Consider that you’re entering a 3 year degree with some work placement. You have no prior experience.
Read the sidebar and practice practice practice ice. Lift lift lift
_Ulan_ 7y ago
How much time do you spend for yourself ? I don't mean in front of a computer or sleeping in a bed, but I mean : you seem like you need to take yourself on a date to reward those efforts you've done.
You brain is a lazy ass, like all of us. I you don't reward the efforts with a treat it will refuse to keep trying. So take yourself out on a sunny afternoon, drive out of town to the next national park and go picnic there. Or take yourself to the seaside. Do anything to cut yourself from all that noise that is your life right now for a few hours at least. You mind will feel much better.
Peter_B_Long 7y ago
I believe that you are just moving too fast in life. You are getting anxiety and burning out because you are not moving at a healthy pace. You've heard this before but just take it day by day. What can you do today to put you in a better position than you were yesterday?
You're too caught up in the big picture. You have the big numbers of the bills in your head and you're making your mind think that you need to figure it out now.
Do this more. Write more. I started writing things down (actual pen on paper, not typing) a few months ago and it's helped me so much. If you are feeling down, write down why you are feeling down. Act as if it's your diary, who gives a fuck? Write down your thoughts, your emotions, your ideas. Write down your most important goals (lose weight, save up money, figure out career). Then, every morning when you wake up, write down what you are going to do that day that will help you get one step closer to your goal. Like I said, take it day by day and do your best not to burn out.
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R3v4mp3d 7y ago
You mind also needs some tuning. Read some self development books, meditate and force yourself to do a habit that you normally dislike for a week and don't yield no matter what (this will build discipline). Don't overthink things, have faith and confidence that you will find a way to get what you want. Learn nihilism first: 95% of everything is pointless and, in a way you also; then learn the release from it: if mostly everything is pointless then life is just a game that can be played in any way you want since the only thing that has meaning is what you define as having meaning.