I met this girl on saturday (november third) at a paintball game.
I had a great time with her. At the end of the paintball game one of her girl friends told me that they were both going to a party afterwards and I was welcomed to come. I took that as a sign of interest.
But I don't like parties so I didn't go.
I had a great time with her so I miss her. I've actually been going for 4 years without any contact with girls so I have as much of a scarcity mentality as it's humanly possible I believe.
So I stalked her. I asked 3 people for her number including the girl that told me about the party. None of them had it but the girl told me she is on facebook and gave me her name so I added her on facebook.
And now I feel like a clown who made a fool of himself publicly. I mean seriously. Adding her on facebook made me think "what the fuck am I doing"
I erased my friend request on facebook and I'm considering accepting the loss and moving the fuck on.
So yeah. She isn't even beautiful or anything. It's just that I've not had any kind of physical contact with a girl for 4 years. So yeah.
Kungfukenny1347 8y ago
You know how pathetic you're being, none of us need to tell you. ABSOFUCKINLUTLEY forget about this girl, and take a step back to ask yourself why a whiff of a girl's fart is enough to make you fall in love. You need to focus on the self improvement parts of this sub, including lifting to get your body right and some serious reading and contemplation to get your mind right.
And just go to a fucking party. trust me. you're young -- just fucking party sometimes. when I was a total fucking loser my first month of college I said shit like "I don't like parties"
Then I actually went to a couple parties, let go a bit and just had fun and made out with some ho's and wow what a surprise suddenly I liked parties
Redasshole 8y ago
Oh I'm almost 30, I did went to some parties and did hook up with hot hoes and yeah it was fun but now....i just think it's pointless. I would rather be in the gym or learning how to hunt, sharpen a knife, pick a lock or play guitar..
The only issue here is that I have no fucking idea how to answer your question "take a step back to ask yourself why a whiff of a girl's fart is enough to make you fall in love."
Kungfukenny1347 8y ago
It was a shitty metaphor to illustrate how ridiculous your situation is --- you played paintball with her, her friend talked to you after, and you already caught a case of oneitis? How the fuck are you going to get girls to see you as a worthy dating option if you're ready to bend the knee and sacrifice your dignity for a girl you've briefly met once?
I assumed you were college age, totally get slowing down on partying around 30. But shit dude, for a 29 year old you're sure investing a lot of emotional capital into some ho you don't know.
Redasshole 8y ago
I know. That's a problem. I've been thinking about it a lot. It's always been like that. Here are the possibilities I could think of :
i was raised by abuse parents who abused me psychologically, physically and sexually. They were also feminists. Maybe that has something to do with that
it's been 4 years since any human interactions with girl
Kungfukenny1347 8y ago
So you can admit the issues are there, and even trace back why they're there. now what are you going to do about it?
If you were 20 I'd give different advice, but at 30 you need to do some serious reflecting. What do you really want out of life? (DON'T SAY WOMEN) how are you gonna get it?
Talk to a therapist, read books that expand your mind, accept that its NEVER too late to turn your life around. Confront your issues head on, as painful as it is to do so. You'll have good days and bad. keep pushing forward. your past doesn't have to determine your future
Redasshole 8y ago
That's it, I understood. I finally understood.
Allright bear with me.
1) I have some issues in my life, for instance
extreme loneliness and social isolation
lack of affection & physical contact
2) it creates symptoms of
depression
sadness
3) I use the following coping tools to deal with my issues
porn
I basically use them to dissociate myself from my reality and the feelings created by my problems
4) but those coping tools are unhealthy and cause additional problems like
low energy and motivation
social anxiety
erectile dysfunction
So to improve things I have to
1) get new coping tools that
doesn't generate additional problems
2) change my attitude and build resilience to be able to face reality and bad feelings a little bit more every day
3) solve the underlying problems
My problem with women is that they can fullfil some of those underlying problems which consists of fundamental needs not being met :
no affection
loneliness
So when I meet a woman and she finally help me meets my need, I NEED her because she is such a great "tool" to help me fullfil my needs.
And that's where the problem lies! I can't rely this much on women to fullfil my needs because I'm not in control of her behavior (not even 1%) so her leaving or breaking up would mean not having my needs met anymore. And that's why I go one-itis mode, or desperation mode and I lose my dignity and agree to do anything to keep her. Not because I love her, but because I NEED her to fullfil some of my deepest needs.
So now I just have to find new coping tools and how to fullfil the needs that are not being met (in a healthy way and in a way that I'm in control - if my way of meeting those needs implies another person, or even if the meeting of those needs doesn't rely on me 100%, then it's not a good way to fullfil those needs because somebody else can decide whether or not some of my deepest needs are met).
Until that point I will never be able to be attractive (because I will NEED women) and any relationship will bring me pain and suffering.
Kungfukenny1347 8y ago
You're on the right path, bro. Use this awareness as a launch point -- you see the problems, you now know they're fixable, but now comes the hardest part -- maintaining this brutal honesty with yourself that's necessary to push to the next level.
By just folding and trying to "cope" with your depression, you only make it stronger. You feel pathetic, which makes you do pathetic things, which only re-affirms how pathetic you are. The way to break out of this cycle, is to force yourself to do productive/fun things, even when you don't want to. ESPECIALLY when you don't want to.
Where you're a little off is in suggesting that women are helping you meet your needs -- this is wrong. They only SEEM to be meeting your needs, but just like a drug they're only helping you mask and run away from your problems -- they're not doing a damn thing to solve them.
You listed your unmet needs as no affection, loneliness, and lack of physical touch. Ask yourself -- are those true needs? You may not like the lack of them in your life, but are they NEEDS on the level that food, shelter and sleep are? Or are they just things that you keep seeking out because you didn't get enough of them in your unfortunate childhood? If these were truly NEEDS, how the fuck are you still alive and kicking having gone without them for so long?
You said earlier that what you want most is your freedom. From today forward, EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE needs to be focused on that goal. Put together a blueprint, be brutally honest about what you need to change in your life to get there, then GO DO IT -- NO EXCUSES. If you live your life through this lens every day, then all your distractions will start to melt away.
Friday nights where you jerk off to ten different gonewild subs until your dick is raw? Gone -- you're too busy working on your passive income projects. Half a paycheck wasted on taking a Tinder ho to a fancy restaurant? Fuck that -- you're saving up to quit your shit job, some dime-a-dozen pussy isn't going to get in the way of that.
The funny thing is that once you set upon this path, your "need" to feel a woman's affection is replaced by your "need" to transform your sorry fucking life into something awesome, and eventually that awesome life attracts women you wouldn't even dream of interacting with at this point in your life.
You will fuck up sometimes, but don't get down on yourself and give up. Take your lumps, get back up, and keep pushing forward.
Redasshole 8y ago
I tend to think they are actual needs. It's true that I'm still alive but whenever they are not met I end up trying to kill myself, basically.
I also thought a lot about human needs (using maslow pyramid for instance) and I couldn't find a lot of other needs that were unmet.
But anyway it's important to me to have a minimum of social interactions, because I love people.
And yes of course, you are completely right saying one man's mission must be placed above everything else.
Thank you for the kind words !
Redasshole 8y ago
You are completely right. I'm actively working on it
got a job away from my parents house so I can escape the abuse
make an effort to go out and socialize every damn week even though I don't feel like it
try to make sense out of this shit
And I don't want women out of life. What I want out of life is to be free, which means having passive income which frees all my time to do what the fuck I want.
Thanks for the kind words of encouragement.
AwakenedSovereign 8y ago
"I'm busy that day but I'll take your number"
Done. Don't have to go to the party you won't enjoy. Don't have to chase her down either. It is better to act and be wrong than to think and not act.
Lift. Approach. Your brain will be forever fucked regarding women until you take control of your life and establish abundance mentality.
Redasshole 8y ago
I got a gym membership and already lost half my fat (I used to be overweight). Lifting is actually the only thing that keeps me sane. It's my guess that I have 5 months to go before hitting 15% BF then I will begin putting on muscles.
You are right, I made a mistake. I won't make it anymore in the future.
BestSC86 8y ago
You don't like parties because you likely are a wallflower at these events where you don't actually you know.....like PARTY.
I always laugh at people who claim not to like parties but digging deeper, it comes down to having social anxiety or some other social disorder that keeps them from joining in the fun.
You have to get that corrected....not being able to socialize is a surefire way to loads of psychological problems throughout your life.
FIX THAT NOW>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Redasshole 8y ago
I guess you are right.
youcantdenythat 8y ago
Yeah you're over thinking it. nobody gives a fuck about who you add on facebook.
But yeah. You are obsessed over someone. That's a problem. Get your life together man. If you need some sex, go practice on some escorts or something but don't get stuck here, it would just be a stepping stone to get some abundance mentality.
Redasshole 8y ago
I actually live in africa (one year left to go) so prostitutes here isn't a solution lol
RPTA3498 8y ago
That's kind of weird. You missed your chance. Then acted like you're on the spectrum. DYEL?
Redasshole 8y ago
I don't understand. I'm not a native speaker.
Actually I thought she was so into me that I didn't care. Until I realized her interest level wasn't as high as I thought it was and she wouldn't be pursuing me so because I wanted to be with her I began pursuing her.
RPTA3498 8y ago
Autistic.
Do you even lift?
Redasshole 8y ago
Yes I do. 5 times a week, and cardio on the 6th day.
RPTA3498 8y ago
Ok well, work on your DNGAF mentality more. Delete FB too, it does wonders for your life.
Redasshole 8y ago
What do you suggest?
Redasshole 8y ago
You know, I know it's stupid but I really like the gym. It's like a second home and when I'm in there I escape from anything bad that happened. I blast some heavy metal while I do my warm up cardio and it helps improving my performance as well as letting out the emotions.
I also love strength training. I did cardio for a long time but strength training feels so different. And I love that feeling. I'm also very proud of the gainz I've made, although they are still smalls. And my new diet gives me more pleasure than the former one and it is healthier. All this was made possible by the gym. It's the gym that kick started everything. It is working out that gave me the discipline to change my diet. I go every night, even if I'm tired like I am today, even if I just ate right before, like yesterday. I just go and enjoy. I stay as much as I can, around an hour and if I can stay more I do some stretching which I enjoy a lot too.
I know It's weird but....I feel like I'm changing. I'm calmer in my way of speaking, moving. I react less when things go south. Eye contact is easier. I actually stand up tall now ! And when I look in the mirror I feel pride instead of disgust.
I also met one cool guy at the gym, though we don't speak much. I feel like I'm part of a big family of muscular guys and some of them even kindly gave me advices. One of them took half an hour out of his work out to help me improve my form on some back exercizes!
It's great. And for the first time of my life I may even be confortable taking my shirt off during next summer.
Fuck I'm half an hour away from going to the gym !
RPTA3498 8y ago
Keep at it!! That's awesome man. The stronger you become the less fucks you will give. And it's not stupid, do you and give NO FUCKS. OWN IT. I like going to the gym and it's fucking awesome!!!! Make other people see things your way...AKA build your frame.
As for an actionable item, just stop caring about the past and over analyzing. Like you fucked up big deal, find something to learn from it and move on. Don't give it any further mind/time.
Still recommend deleting facebook.
[deleted] 8y ago
[deleted]
RPTA3498 8y ago
Unless you are using it for your business, self-promotion (fighter, internet celeb, artist, etc) or other means it doesn't do you any good except to waste your valuable time.
DadOnDabs 8y ago
Here is your new life motto, "yes". Say yes to everything. Idgaf if it's an organic jello tasting party say fucking yes to any invite you get.
LavaPipe 8y ago
Yes, you are acting like a thirsty freak. This was completely autistic of you. You should’ve went to the party like a fucking man and not added her on Facebook. Cut your losses, she will not give a shit about you if she catches wind of your thirst. Go to the gym and read that sidebar man.
Redasshole 8y ago
I go to the gym but I sure may need to read the sidebar again.
Thanks.
but what does "cut your losses" means? I'm not a native speaker
LavaPipe 8y ago
It means forget what has happened and move on
Redasshole 8y ago
Thank you. i came to realize the best way to forget what happened and move on is to do more things