Been a lurker for about 2 months. Jumping right into TRP methods, but I'm new, so still some questions I'd like to bounce around.
I (42M) have been married for 23 years (wife - 41F). 2 kids, 19 and 11 yo. We started very young which was a huge mistake. She came from a very religious background and marrying young was ok. Through the years I've been the beta poster child for a husband. Outside of marriage, I feel I do alpha things. My wife is constantly shit testing me and before TRP, I was a beta chump and didn't know it, or maybe I did subconsciously. Anyway, our marriage through the years has been turbulent. She has cheated on my 5 or 6 times through the years (about 1 every 3 years or so), with the last one in 2012. Each time, she somehow managed to put part of the blame on me and want did I do, accepted it and took her back. How pathetic! I don't want to be a beta chump anymore. Our relationship lately is rocky, and she told me last week that she resented me, because I make more money than she does, but work fewer hours. She wants to be a stay at home mom, but can't. She insists I work 2-3 jobs so she can stay home. Honestly, I'm not sure I love her anymore after swallowing TRP. I now see through the crap she's pulled and won't put up with it anymore. Last night we talked and she said she wanted to work things out or just split, because she would rather be alone than in a lonely marriage. I feel stuck, because I have no where to go. Her father owns the house we live in, and I would be out on the street. I absolutely hate to leave my kids and the thought of a future step dad drives me crazy. I'm at a crossroads of what to do, but after all the years, I don't think I can give her the affection she wants. My desire for her is nil.
bicepsblastingstud 11y ago
How could your life possibly get worse? Your wife has cheated on you six times that you know of (so the real number is probably like twenty), she insists you work 2-3 jobs (what?) and you sound fucking miserable.
Your kids are old enough that any new dude coming into their lives won't be "dad."
You've got half of your life left, if you're lucky. Time to go reclaim it.
[deleted] 11y ago
Rarely is there a case as clear-cut as this one from the description.
OP, are you fit? Can you spin a few 30ish girls, or did you let it all go to hell during your marriage?
Start making slow, hidden moves towards divorce. Talk to a lawyer quietly - ensure she doesn't find out - and make the financial changes you need to establish some independence. Better to just argue your way through it now. When she cottons on that you're serious, you'll need to be ready to move.
If you're employed and have no criminal record there's no reason why you can't have 50/50 custody if you actually want to raise your kids yourself.
bicepsblastingstud 11y ago
Do you really need to ask if this dude can spin plates?
[deleted] 11y ago
The word "can" is interesting. Anyone "can" with some work, but the question is whether it would take ten years of work leaving him at 50 before he's able to start successfully hitting on 40 year olds, or whether a single (single) year would do it.
I wanna know what OP thinks of himself.
Justholdingon 11y ago
I consider myself fit. I'm not muscle bound, but do run 5 miles minimum daily. 5'11 185#. I do feel good about myself physically. Love outdoor activities, hiking, biking, backpacking, all of which I end up doing by myself as she doesn't do those things.
[deleted] 11y ago
Well, that's a good sign!
Look, life is what you make it. At this point you've managed to procreate, you deserve to feel the happiness that your hard work should have created, and yet you don't, because you have a cheating wife that doesn't respect you.
What's it gonna be? TRP would suggest that she'll eventually leave you for one of those cheating partners if she finds one that will take her... why sit there and fund her efforts?
That was kind of a poor move. You guys should have bought it off of him a long time ago on some interest-free family loan or even a normal mortgage. Are you paying rent, or are you living rent-free with bills taking up the rest for a lifestyle that isn't sustainable?
Either way, though, you're right, you'll be out on the street. That's not so bad if you plan things right and find somewhere cheap to rent for a few months while you get yourself sorted.
lonGterMgoalS 11y ago
Hard truth: Your wife has absolutely no respect for you and that's your fault. You have allowed her to treat you like shit because you don't respect yourself.
What the fuck?? Does her father own every damn property in the town? You would get your own place if you leave her.
You're thinking like a victim. Stop that shit.
Good news: You're young, you make more $ than her and you have one kid over 18 and another who is old enough that you can have your own relationship without having her try and control it.
What happens next is up to you. Don't let more time pass you by. Don't let your kids have a miserable dad be an example of a what a man should be. Be better than this.
Justholdingon 11y ago
Thanks for the Hard Truth.
BluepillProfessor 11y ago
I wonder if this is a High Drive Female with a Low Drive Male?
You wife doesn't want "affection" she wants her Betafied husband to man up and take control. She probably just wants you to fuck her harder. That is all the Shit Tests. That could be the (ultimate) cheating and take me back Shit Tests.
There is a reason I don't have flair after thousands of posts. Sometimes I just go off the reservation. So I say give it some time and don't make rash decisions while you are unplugging. Right now you resent your wife. The sidebar has an article on the stages of unplugging. It does not happen overnight. You hate yourself because you are finally seeing how pathetic you have been. It is OK, many of us have been there- and not long ago.
The cheating you describe is an amazing story but you letting her gaslight you into accepting part of the blame is revealing.
I always say before you check out emotionally and get divorced, why don't you TELL your spouse the way it is going to be from now on and then do it. I said TELL, not ask, not negotiate, not gaslight, TELL. This is what you require to remain in the relationship. Do you even know what that is? Reduce it to a paragraph and spit it back in bullet point when she challenges you. A calm, stoic frame will stop the Shit Tests. You are almost there but I suspect it is too late for this cheating housewife.
Justholdingon 11y ago
It's been a couple of days since I read this cause it's had me thinking. I'm not sure I want to fix things with her. I don't see myself being as happy as I once was or can be. I see myself doing all the things in life that I enjoy without all the bitching and moaning. I just wonder if I'm in a 'grass is always greener' state of mind and will regret it later. Either way, it's not gonna be easy. I have a rough road ahead.
BluepillProfessor 11y ago
You will make it through and prosper but it will take time. Good luck.
jakospades 11y ago
My advice on any matter pertaining to a breaking down in a marriage for any reason is to just never sign divorce papers till the laws change. Lie to the world about loving that woman and her being the only reason why you have had sex with every school teacher and babysitter is because you just want to really know the kind of woman who is influencing your child...drink till this makes sense and execute.