What does it mean to be a good man? Is it having many good qualities that make you well rounded, accomplished, and fully actualized? That is one way to look at it. But it is important to know that being a good man is also about being without specific negative qualities. While having negative qualities as a whole does not mean one is a bad person, they are not what any man should desire to keep. One of which that plagues many a young man is the term known as the oneitis.
I talk specifically about this term since it is a major problem that many men have had, especially in their younger years. I myself was not exempt from this fault, as I had thought that a girl I knew had to be the one for me. It was not a positive thing in my life, and it only made me feel worse the longer I let myself be consumed by it. For many men, a oneitis is a self imposed prison, and it only brings more and more misery the longer you allow your sentence to be carried out.
However it manifests, it is no good for a man to have. He pours his energy into a relationship that is not even there, and it only makes things worse the more he invests in the idea of the woman. He thinks there is an end goal where he will triumph and be ultimately happy. But he fails to realize that his oneitis is holding him back from other things in life. If he did not pour so much thoughts, energy, and time into the one-sided infatuation, what could he have done instead? Not realizing the time spent was simply wasted on what was unrequited, he shows a real lack of respect for himself. For his time, his efforts, and his self worth.
He sees the woman in question as deserving of all the love he can give, but he does not realize that he is spending his energy on an undeserving woman. And when I say "undeserving," I mean that she has not given him the same love in return that he wants to give her. This is regardless of whether or not she is aware of his feelings. Of course, if she is aware but does not have the same feelings, then he is a fool to continue holding onto that goal. And if she is indeed unaware, he should simply confront the fear of rejection and get a yes or no answer from her regarding her interest. Approaching romantic prospects in this way demonstrates far better being a complete, good man. For one, you are not sinking investment into a woman who does not care for you in the same way back. It is the male equivalent of the woman who sleeps with a man very early on in hopes of getting a commitment from him. Both that type of woman and the man who has a oneitis is approaching relationships in highly ineffective manner. The man showing that he is easily willing to commit to a woman who does not return his feelings shows that he takes very little to extract commitment from, just as a woman who sleeps with men on the first date shows that it is very easy for a man to sleep with her.
For women, it is understandable why this type of man would not be desirable. Is his devotion so special if he is so ready to give it without much in return? Just as men want sex from women, women want commitment from men. But they don't want commitment that is so carelessly given. While success in women is not the only goal for men to have, it is important to understand the reasons that the type of man who holds onto the idea of a oneitis fails. Men need to teach other men that it is not good to have a oneitis. Regardless of the end goals of any man, there is no positive outcome to be had with having a oneitis. Young men are those who especially need to learn this, and it is harder for them to have this knowledge as more of them grow up without their fathers in the home.
Not having a oneitis makes practical sense, and is a far more efficient means for young men to go through life. If his aim is to find a long term partner, it is far better to not attach himself to a woman who does not care for him back. Not having a major attachment before there is even a confirmed relationship helps him understand that nothing should simply be expected to happen. It also helps him deal with failure to be straightforward with women about his intentions, rather than keep them secret in hopes that "the perfect time" will come for him to either tell her his feelings or have her realize that she cares the same way for him (the perfect time never happens, and the strategy of having the woman tell you her feelings first is a poor plan). If he focuses so much on the idea of a particular woman being "the one," he loses focus on other areas in his life. He also may be losing out on approaching other women who would be receptive to him. In summation, living life without having a oneitis is one that is more efficient, practical, and happy.
To be a good man, you cannot have a oneitis. This does not mean that you cannot have ever had one before, but you must understand that it is an obstacle to being fulfilled. Hinging your happiness on the idea that a particular woman is your greatest goal causes you to lose sight of everything else in life. So therefore, it is best for men to abandon the idea of holding onto hope for the oneitis or to never even have a oneitis in the first place.
loneliness-inc Mod 5y ago
The details of your post are (mostly) correct. However, the overarching idea is flawed.
Combine all these together and the conclusion is that she's incapable of loving you the way you love her. It just isn't within her.
Men throughout history knew this and we're fine with it. As long as they received respect, admiration and a steady supply of sex - they got what they bargained for in exchange for their love, provision and protection. Only recently, with ideas of gender equality, did we decide that women can love us the same way we love them.
To conclude - male love for women will always be much greater than female love for men. Greater quantitatively and qualitatively. Men are okay with this when we receive respect, admiration, sex, sexual desire and a general sense of receptivity and reciprocity in return.
In other words - male love is designed to be one sided! The problem is when there's no receptivity and reciprocity, respect, admiration and sex in return.
Therefore, the current state of oneitis as a societal ill, is not a flaw in the modern man! it is a major flaw in the character of the modern woman who was taught to disrespect, not admire, withhold sex and do away with receptivity and reciprocity!
Overall - good writing!
[deleted] 5y ago
You know for all the problems we discuss women having, men have this antithesis problem in their own back yards. We want to latch onto a woman because we enjoy the fact that we only have her to protect and care for. We like that she is there, she is ours, and we will defend her above all else, including our own lives if need be.
Biologically, this makes a lot of sense. Women will find the resources they need to raise children and men will continue providing for them. The more 'attached' he is to her, the more equipped his offspring will be to repeating the human reproductive cycle.
I think in our personal views, we just want a stable relationship with lots of sex. In that sense, being comfortable with your partner is key to enjoying that relationship and ensuring its' success over the years of raising children. You make compromises for what you want because this 'one' person is your entire world. She is the most compatible person sharing your most deepest secrets where the love you share is exclusive to you and nobody else. The problems come over time as she attempts to gain more from that relationship than the man is receiving, much much more. The lesser effort realized on her part turns into the man compensating her with less effort on his end, thus creating a turbulent cycle of dwindling love.
The 'one' is a great way for a newly pregnant woman to secure herself with resources, while providing the male with the frame of mind necessary to work hard for her. Once the children are born and the responsibilities and burdens shifts from each other to the children, the concept is largely useless as he isn't necessarily providing for her as much as he is for the propagation of his genetics and family lineage. The 'one' becomes the 'children' and the woman just happens to benefit from this arrangement. I think that is why you are correct in stating that it must be an obstacle to overcome early, because eventually it will be, but better to do so on your own terms.
Thanks for posting. Very insightful.
[deleted] 5y ago
I totally relate to this. As a man that has fallen behind in dating, I never related to these guys complaining about being in the "friendzone" or the fact they have unrequited love for someone and then get creepy or act entitled when they don't have success with that person. I was always willing to move on and try to find someone else and that's why it disturbs me that subs like r/niceguys promote this narrative where guys who fall behind in dating must fit this cariacature because we are not all like that.
[deleted] 5y ago
Preach, brother, preach. I'm all for men's rights, but we need more talk about men's responsibilities - particularly the responsibility not to contribute to their own suffering.
houseoftolstoy Mod 5y ago
Agreed. Being upset at your bad outcomes and asking why you are not successful despite following the advice from those who gave you bad information is not the same thing as being entitled. There certainly are guys who feel entitled to their oneitis's love, but that line is quite clearly defined. Those that cross it generally have gone quite far from the border, and vice versa for those who did not cross that line.
The entitled guys certainly need the advice to face and accept rejection, rather than let their emotions rule them. A man is defined by much more than whether or not he wins the affections of a woman (or more than one), and letting that be the sole focus is the exact thing that led them to their status.
[deleted] 5y ago
Right. But a Good Man does not need that advice. A Good Man typically accepts rejection already. It's just that a significant demograph of men are simply having trouble with dating now and it's not because there is something "wrong" with them (looks, money, status) - that's just the way things are with the current climate but feminists don't want to face up to that. They want to keep living in lala land where women never did anything wrong and they were just looking for Mr Right but all of the Good Men that approached them were fakers or something or they lacked xyz characteristic (even though that was not always the case).
Their decision to reject these men was put down to "razor sharp female intuition" but when women make toxic dating choices that they later come to regret, that's because they were trapped and manipulated and blah blah blah. Pointing out that "razor sharp female intuition" was no longer working for them here makes us "misogynists" and "this is why you can't get women: women can sense these things intuitively - they are razor sharp".
pollonutria 5y ago
Well, sometimes you need to learn to control your emotions and you will need to pass by this experience to learn how to avoid it in the future.
houseoftolstoy Mod 5y ago
I understand where you are coming from, but I do not agree that everyone should make the exact same mistakes in order to learn. You can learn from others mistakes and their wisdom. Young men who are not told about avoiding the trappings of having a oneitis are more likely to learn the wrong way rather than learn the right way from the start. That is, being upfront with a woman and facing rejection rather than playing the waiting game.
Having a oneitis is having your emotions control you, while facing rejection before being too attached is a far better lesson at controlling emotions.
I would rather be told by a recovering compulsive gambler that gambling is a bad idea rather than have to learn that same lesson by also being addicted to gambling. I can observe from the compulsive gambler's mistakes that his choices were wrong without having to make those choices myself. What good is wisdom and knowledge if you are not going to share it to guide others?