My Cousin

My cousin is the opposite of everything I've ever tried to achieve. He has little to no education, has never held a decent job, has been in jail on several occasions, and supplements his income by selling drugs. He looks like a thug. He dresses like a thug. He talks like a thug... and women can't get enough of his cock.

I'll admit, he's had very few good role models in his life - his dad was a cheating, lying drunkard who divorced his wife for his mistress, and then cheated on his mistress. His social group consists of no-goodniks, shiftless bums and petty criminals. Still, he seems to relish wallowing in the gutters of society so I find little point in pitying him, and oddly enough we get along reasonably well. So, what does all this have to do with the premise of this book?

A Christmas Story

Back when I was 22, my aunt and cousin visited my parents, my sister and I for Christmas. They lived in a town about an hour away from my mom and dad's house, so they didn't come over very often. My mother, who loves to host these kinds of events, went around busily preparing her house, making it all squeaky-clean and orderly for when the guests arrived.

I spotted a wrapped present labeled "Kara" under the Christmas tree and asked who it was for.

"Oh," my mother smiled. "Your cousin is bringing his girlfriend."

I sighed. I hadn't managed to meet anybody special that year. I was in my first semester of grad school at one of the world's best universities, and this had apparently conferred upon me the romantic allure of a wet dog. My cousin didn't even have a regular job, but this seemed to be no obstacle to his dating success. Boy, that made me feel pathetic. I didn't really feel like meeting Kara.

So a few hours later, my aunt, my cousin and Kara showed up. My mouth dropped open at the sight of her. She was... radiant. She had a pretty face, the exact kind of curly brown hair that I like, and was barely over 5 foot 2 inches tall. She was a gorgeous, petite little goddess, and she had the body of a porn star. Now I was jealous.

My cousin is noticeably taller than me. In fact, he's a bit intimidating at first, and boy was I feeling inadequate. Mentally, I started reviewing all the possible flaws I might have. I became depressed as I silently listed them off.

We started socializing. Kara hit it off with my sister straight away. Since my sister is very willing to say none-too-flattering things about men, this provides an automatic route for women to bond with her. She started talking to Kara about what impolite pigs guys were and got a laugh. With my sister making her feel more and more comfortable, she eventually started to talk about herself and came across as a really sweet girl. My cousin, however, was totally unimpressed, and rolled his eyes as he grumbled, "Don't you ever shut up? Geez, you talk so much."

I was aghast. In that moment I wished society would bring back dueling so that I could slap my cousin across the face with a glove and say "Sir! You have insulted the dignity of this young lady! I challenge you to sabers at dawn!" Well, I would need a saber for that, but you know what I mean.

"Oh, very nice. Very classy," my sister chastised my cousin. "Kara, why are you even with him?" I'd silently asked myself the same question the instant I saw her. Kara just shrugged and giggled as if his behavior was perfectly acceptable. She really seemed to like him.

The Ghost of Christmas Present

It was time for gifts. I knew what I wanted for Christmas: I wanted a girlfriend. I got a clock radio. I don't remember what my mom got for Kara, but it was exactly the kind of sensible, useful present she was always good at picking. What present did my cousin bring for his girlfriend? Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

It gets better. My mother had a little basket of small presents to hand around; this was her favorite Christmas game. They were random, unlabeled gifts. Each of us was allowed to take one present and examine it. We could try to try to guess what it was, and if we wanted it, we could unwrap it. If we didn't, we could put it back and try again. Each of us picked one box. I got dental floss.

My cousin opened his random gift and looked inside. It was a set of decorative scented soaps in the shape of seashells - very feminine. "Screw this," he groaned, dropping the obviously girlie soaps. He sat back in the couch with his arms crossed to make it clear that he didn't care for the present.

"Moron! Give the soap to your girl! Women like things like that!" I screamed at him in my head.

"You know, if you don't like the soap, you could always give it to Kara," my sister said pointedly. She picked up the discarded present and did just that.

I wanted to drag Kara aside and shake some sense into her. "How can you stand being with him?!" I wanted to yell. "He has no future! No education! He's broke! He'll cheat on you! He's an idiot! He's one of those little monkeys at the zoo that masturbates in full view of the public! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!"

My cousin never did give Kara so much as a second thought, much less a Christmas present. Not long after that, in a shocking turn of events, he cheated on her. She forgave him, and then he cheated on her again. By the end of it all, I was starting to wonder if she enjoyed degrading herself or if she had a serious self-esteem problem. Regardless, I'll bet you anything you like that to this day she goes around complaining to all of her friends about what a bunch of cheating assholes men are.

The Big Point

Here's my point: my cousin sucks, which reflects poorly on him - but Kara kept going out with him, and that reflects poorly on her. Kara sucks by extension. She's guilty by association. She encourages and rewards his behavior by staying with him. A guy might want to be the best boyfriend in the world, but that's just not exciting enough for a lot of young women.

Ladies, if you screw guys like my cousin, you're encouraging more of the same. You're implicitly telling them, "Feel free to treat me like garbage; I'll absorb whatever crappy behavior you dish out." Kara was undoubtedly hurt by my cousin's actions, but it wouldn't have happened if she'd stepped back and taken the time to realize she was pairing herself with a self-destructive schmuck.

If you enjoyed this story, I hope you'll consider getting a copy of my novel Land of the Losers. It's available in both hard-cover and e-book and contains many more stories and essays.