Summary:
There comes a point in your life where you realize "what am I doing? This can't be all that there is". I am at that point where I hate everything about myself, simply because I see the truth and I chose weakness.
Body:
I have been following the pill for sometime, so that makes this all the more disappointing. A little background, I used to be(Still am?) the biggest beta fuck a kissless virgin faggot and the programming must still because despite reading educating myself, and identifying my problem; being addicted to dopamine (see /u/FCBLegacy's post "What's Killing your game?"), despite knowing what is right and wrong I choose what is wrong time and time again. So I spent the first semester of college setting and pursuing my goals, Gym 5 days a week, Talk to one stranger a day, No fap, Take supplements, and for one whole month, I followed it religiously.
However, this past week because of my own excuses, I chose to skip out on all my goals and just went on a week long porn binge. I feel like total shit, but what's even worse is that I feel comfortable with this, I feel glad that I snapped back to a pathetic sack of shit. It terrifies me that that I might never be able to kill the beta.
And these thoughts started racing through my head:
Am I doomed to be a beta for life?
Can I become half the man my ancestors were?
Will I die a virgin?
Do I even deserve sex?
Do I even deserve to live?
God fuck I hate myself so much right now!
Right after I finished my 3ed fap of the day, moments after those thoughts ran through my head, I had an idea. What if the thing keeping me a beta is this life of complacency? If I'm comfortable with jerking off and watching porn and being a loser in my current environment, what would happen if I changed my environment?
Inspired by"Do Something December", instead of jerking off, and being a waste of fucking existence, I decided to say "fuck it" I don't like where this road leads, take it up a notch.
So I did the only logical thing, I booked a ticket to Austin Texas, bringing no money just a backpack a tent and a sleeping bag. The plan is that I will leave here a boy, and return a man, someone who is not a pussy, someone who is not the current me, after all, anything is better than what I am right now.
Conclusion:
I have spent my 18 years alive living in mediocrity, no more, I'm taking a complete 180 on my life I just really hate the man in the mirror, flying to a different country, will cultivate my true masculine self, and this is the change that I need.
Ps. Anyone in Austin, PM me I would like some friends before I land.
Proof: Ticket!
Senderious 7y ago
You're overreacting. All your failures and triumphs are part of the proces. Trust the proces.
[deleted] 7y ago
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clavabot 7y ago
That was a thought of mine, I figured with the winter break in less than a week, what reason do I have to stay here, what is stopping me from living my life, I have always wanted to see the world, now I have the time and the resources to do so, so do it, and I did.
When it's time to leave I'll book a cheap flight back to Toronto.
bobjoe177 7y ago
you can run from your problems, but you'll never escape from how you feel about them.
clavabot 7y ago
I think it's the other way, you can not run from your problems you have to change how you view them, see them as challenges or opportunities, and tackle them head on.
bobjoe177 7y ago
I see personal problems as having seperate phyical and abstract components. For example, OP mentions having problems w/ not exercising enough and jerkin it too much. These are physical things, not feelings. How OP feels about these actions is a separate thing. I think that you've conflated two things that I see as separate. I also don't think we're disagreeing all that much.
clavabot 7y ago
I understand where you are coming from now, we do agree semantics lol.
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[deleted] 7y ago
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clavabot 7y ago
I was considering that but in order to join the US navy I need to be a permanent resident, but I will be looking for "organization with structures". Like the Red cross and the like.
[deleted] 7y ago
Technology has made modern living comfortable, because of this society (men) have become weak.
Implement some Intentional Discomfort in your life.
You may have this idealized version of what your Rite of Passage will look like, just be aware that without money, connections, or appearing to have any physical presence you are likely to get robbed, beaten, raped, or killed.
Go into this fully prepared, you may come out a better man than I or you may die.
Before going full hobo mode in Texas, re-evaluate the end goal.
clavabot 7y ago
The no money idea will need to be changed, Not full hobo, just homeless? I will bring enough money to stay in a hostel for a week, and enough to eat. But after that week, It's out camping for the remainder of my winter break before school starts back up again.
orange_octopus 7y ago
Get a good sleeping bag. It's the middle of winter even in Texas and can go below freezing overnight.
dapowa 7y ago
we need an asian lady to scream dont be dumb at you
lodro 7y ago
At some point in the next month you will be a bum in Austin, jerking off to the memory of porn in a public toilet.
And for the rest of your life, you'll have to live with the knowledge that that was the deciding moment when you became a man.
Or a beta fag, I guess, if you fail.
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DaBaulz 7y ago
Good luck on your trip, hope you enjoy it and it helps.
But I wouldn't expect to return a man, you are setting too high of a bar for yourself and you are judging yourself too harshly. I am a dedicated red piller, but I am beginning to doubt it's positive effects on young people because i see too many guys like you bemoaning their beta status at such a young age. You are young, you have not failed at anything yet, their is time. I have written what I think you need to do below, it will not be solved in a week or in a trip. It will take years. But here it is:
stop any addiction to drugs. You mention dopamine so I put this first, work on stopping. 4 or so drinks now and then is OK, but that's the max. I have never experienced this level of addiction so I'll let other provide more specific advice on drugs.
Don't be hard on yourself for being an 18yo virgin. I know it LOOKS like everyone is out being an alpha, but half of it is lies and the other half is meaningless people pretending to be alpha. It is incredibly hard and rare to be an RP alpha at your age. Trust me. I was an 24 yo virgin kinda sorta. My journey didn't begin till around 24. Now, 13 or so years later I have multiple plates at my beck and call, a dedicated ltr that makes me question why I need plates at all. A career a stable life. I am the master of my domain and if you met me at 18 you would never be able to predict that.
Take a deep breath, take care of yourself, and stop being so harsh on yourself. Follow the advice above, btw I fap all the time, it makes my plates angry when I tell them because they wanted to be there.
DaBaulz 7y ago
How did you just take off if you're in school? Did you just undermine your goals?
clavabot 7y ago
I have one month off of University for the winter break/ transition from Semester 1 to Semester 2. Approx the duration of my trip
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SeemedGood 7y ago
Applaud the courage to just make change, and even the "jump right in mentality," but if there's anyplace in Texas where the beta can not only continue to live on but may even actually thrive, it's Austin.
clavabot 7y ago
I don't plan on staying in Austin that is just where my flight is going to land, People have been telling me about the natural wonders of texas in general, Hotsprings, lakes, etc. After I land, if I can get a bike I will be biking out to those locations or hitching, worst case walking but I will soldier through.
What makes you say that Austin is a breeding ground for betas?
TheArgentineMachine 7y ago
Have to check out Hamilton Pool.
SeemedGood 7y ago
Austin is the crazy SJW-minded liberal bastion in an otherwise sensibly liberty-minded conservative state.
SetConsumes 7y ago
Austin is the most liberal and PC part of Texas. The Silicon Valley of Texas makes sure we have plenty of white collar betas and supernerds.
But it's also one of the greatest cities on earth.
If you want a rougher time, go to Houston or San Antonio.
That said, there are several forests you can camp in in Austin and get lost and find yourself in. You can also stay here for life as a professional hobo, they do quite well, lol.
clavabot 7y ago
The camping is what I'm looking forward to the most, then I plan on spending the remaining time hitching to other cities, like Dallas, Houston, and other natural landmarks.
A professional Hobo lol, how do I become one.
SetConsumes 7y ago
Don't freeze to death! You'd probably enjoy San Antonio more than Dallas, Dallas has little culture or nature. Ft Worth has more but is pretty boring unless art museums or The Stockyards are your thing.
Move to Austin. Start begging. Austin allows panhandlers whereas the rest of Texas doesn't, so we get all the pros.
clavabot 7y ago
Nice, I can become a professional Hobo, to help pay for my trip.
Alright San Antonio is city 1 on My hitching destinations.
bainbridge_island 7y ago
Wherever you go, there you are.
Drunks in recovery call it "pulling a geographic".
clavabot 7y ago
I see my issues are still going to be there when I get back, but my issue is my mindset. The insights and empowerment that I will gained from this trip, and the l people I will meet along the way will add immensely to my growth in recovery. It will be a part of my personal journey of self-discovery. I don't see my moving as running I see it as laying something aside.
[deleted] 7y ago
Recovery from what?! No 18 year olds are anything but confused punk ass kids.
Go get drunk and talk to girls at a party for Christ sake.
orange_octopus 7y ago
jesus dude. take a deep breath. take some money with you and try to find a place to stay. a hostel, anything. the streets of American cities are not friendly to homeless young men. you'll end up addicted to drugs and selling your ass to survive.
I've got some uncomfortable news for you too bud. When you land in Austin, and you look in the mirror, that same asshole will still be staring back at you. The same weakness in you will still be there until you, instead of running from yourself, CONFRONT yourself head on. Probe your emotions, probe the source of your weakness, make peace with your inner pain, and cultivate your masculinity. Keyword CULTIVATE. As in, grow carefully and patiently. All this takes time and you don't need to change cities to do it.
Normally I would applaud bold and ballsy moves but this just strikes me as reckless. You sound like you need structure and positive male role models in your life more than anything. Cancel your ticket and join the fucking army, dude. Or the red cross, or something. Put yourself in a position where other people are depending on your weak ass and you'll come to terms with yourself in a hurry.
thebrandedman 7y ago
I admire his drive, but he needs a fucking plan. He's leaping out of a proverbial plane without making sure he has a parachute. He needs to cancel, research, do some fucking networking and make a fucking plan on how he's gonna hit.
[deleted] 7y ago
But he must kill the beta! Im sorry I cant stop laughing at this.
Good god bro, you stopped working out for a week and jerked off. Thats called a vacation.
Go to college and join a fucking fraternity. You're 18.
Daxxipro1804 7y ago
Fucking, do it for the love of god. You'll meet people, get laid and your confidence will build. This, on top of meeting some of the best (and worst) people of your life.
silverpilled 7y ago
Reading through this post, I find myself thinking a few things. I hope the best out of your journey, if not I hope you learn from it.
It takes time and effort. Not many want to put themselves through the fire in the hopes the charred remains show a hardened steel frame. You also can't go from the hot fire only once without being shocked by the cold water. The process is continual and ongoing.
Neo was asked by the Oracle if he was the one. He looked puzzled and unsure. He knew he wasn't the one as you would see at the end of the movie. He was shown the plaque translating to Know Thyself. You mention you hate the man in the mirror. Do you? Do you hate your appearance? Do you hate your mannerisms? Do you hate the internal turmoil inside?
As you go from the red hot flame to a cool hardened man you'll find the internal turmoil will solidify. You'll know your place. You'll find what matters to you and what you need to do to improve. Knowing yourself internally, knowing yourself is the best way you can break old habits and when to stop when beta tendencies come up. Beta will happen, continue to happen but knowing why and how will teach you to kill the beta completely.
Don't let the fire cool too soon. It's not a weekend getaway. Seek the lifestyle that makes you better than every previous day.
SoulRedemption 7y ago
I will try not to repeat what most here have said. Not everyone jumping into the deep end without prior knowledge will be able to swim. Which means, do it when someone is around so you don't drown. Which translates to, have a back up plan and have something always ready to get you back to the place where you came from. If you are fragile you will either come out strong or get beat the fuck up. You need to be ready mentally. That being said, you have other options to get away from this beta mindset of yours without running away from the problem, which is you. But if you do go ahead with moving to Austin, log your journey so you can reflect and learn. I have has the opportunity to move and live in different countries. Every time I promise myself not to be the previous beta self in the new place/country (which is actually ideal cuz no one knows you), guess what happens? I fuck up and go back to my beta ways. Yes of course I learn new things etc, but getting out of this beta mindset has to come from yourself.
clavabot 7y ago
To be honest I am not worried at all about a backup plan as my uncle and dad have both expressed support for my decision. My dad traveled from Sri Lanka to Canada alone on a boat when he was younger than me, and my uncle backpacked all of Europe when he was my age, they have said that it is difficult but it is do able so long as I keep my wits about me.
And I understand what you're saying I should have some way of contacting help if anything goes sideways.
How do you fuck up?
SoulRedemption 7y ago
Fuck up: Many different ways. Mainly sliding back to the old habits and taking eye off the goals. It's easy to go back to your comfort zone when you leave it.
Are you Sri Lankan?
Anyways. Seeing that your mind has been made up and confident about what you are doing, I wish you good luck and hope you find what you are searching for. I like your determination and something comes to my mind "Don't pay attention to the naysayers". Some of our comments are probably shit testing you. As mentioned previously, log your journey so you can reflect. Write up a post once you move there on how it goes (good or bad. Doesn't matter. What's there is to learn). Safe journey.
clavabot 7y ago
Ah, I understand what you mean now by fuck up, thanks for the heads up, ill take care not to backslide.
Yes sir, I am Sri Lankan.
I will be doing that, keeping a log of daily events, tasks, high points lows etc.
SoulRedemption 7y ago
Nice, good luck with your journey. I'm a fellow islander as well.
NightwingTRP 7y ago
Take some money with you. You don't want to become a beggar.
One thing you need to appreciate is that our psychology is self-reinforcing. It's why depression is a such a dangerous mental health trap (real depression, not just feeling a bit gloomy) because it gives us a negative outlook, which causes a greater chance of more negative things, which we also expected and believed in. This shapes our negative view which reinforces the negative things happening and it all just gets worse and worse.
Similarly, positive thinking begets positive results which begets more positive thinking. The hard bit to do is breaking the cycle and forcing the positive outlook when things are so bad and genuinely look negative. In a way you're trying to deny reality in order to change it. This is why it will be tough. Understanding this will make that tough challenge no less difficult... but it might improve your resilience. That will be the key. How tough are you to push through? This is why we recommend exercise as a first step because regular exercise releases the various positive hormones to your brain which help to start turning your mood around. I'd strongly recommend starting there.
All that said, it's your life. You make your decisions, live deliberately and own the good and the bad, then press on. And you've got my support and best wishes with it, mate. Very best of luck on your adventure... but seriously, take some money with you and do a bit of research around camp sites and see if you can find some guides from guys who've done travelling with the bare essentials.
SetConsumes 7y ago
What do you think the positive sides of life and existence are?
Spongejong 7y ago
I commend your acknowledgement of your own state of life, and your effort to change it. But I think you are a perfect example of someone who has not swallowed the pill. Sure, you read lurked here for a bit, tested yourself for a month to see if you could. But all you did was mimic the words and actions you saw.
Its great to see anyone getting off their butt and being active and exploring the world. But you are fooling yourself. You have just made a huge leap, and a risk to your life and safety just for the sake of becoming "someone who is not a pussy, someone who is not the current me." Sorry to say, being pussy is not the problem. Being someone who is some weak sauce fuck and not overcoming that problem, fear, challenge is the problem. And if you think mindlessly putting yourself at risk like that is what makes one a man, you won't be satisfied with your results. You can't expect these big life events, or actions to change your life. You have to change yourself, through habits, meditation, education, blah blah blah.
Like I said, its great that you are doing that to try to "fix" yourself. But it shows nothing about what you learned of TRP, and everything following it
[deleted] 7y ago
Super logical decision.
/S
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[deleted] 7y ago
Checkout a book called Change your habits change your life . https://www.amazon.com/Change-Your-Habits-Life-Millionaires/dp/1635050049
This features alot of good strategies to help you take control of your life, and keep it that way.
clavabot 7y ago
Thanks for introducing me to this book!
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Nagicman1 7y ago
Just lol at this cope, you're ugly, nofap is not legit, also your standards are too high
clavabot 7y ago
“The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark.” ― Michelangelo Buonarroti
Nagicman1 7y ago
That's blue pill thinking, you're blissfully ignorant. Which is not a bad thing.
clavabot 7y ago
I understand, setting unrealistic expectations is "blue pill", but setting difficult goals failing and trying again to achieve them is also "blue pill"?
[deleted] 7y ago
Try again and you will fail, try a different approach and you will succeed.
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mlgwarrior420 7y ago
Ayy my older brother is gonna be your pilot!
RickyShade 7y ago
Austin is America's Canada, so, technically...
[deleted] 7y ago
sounds like you need girlfriend bro. to be quite honest.
[deleted] 7y ago
Seeking validation from a woman is a always a terrible idea, besides it only gives a temporary boost to a mans confidence anyway.