When I got into my first relationship, I was severely depressed. I didn’t do all the “good morning” texts, I sent one word replies, would cut her off at night time to go to the gym, and if she hit me up to do something I’d tell her I had something else planned even if I didn’t.
This all changed when she asked me to open up. I thought I was in the free, I finally had a woman that would trust me and wanted to hear my past life. I told her about my problem being jealous of people that have sex, about starting to bald in high school, about my history with porn addiction and paying for porn, about my dad dying, basically everything that’s ever bothered me since I was born.
Second I did that, I started double texting, sending good mornings’s, asking for her opinion. The disconnect happened instantly. She never had time for me, took hours to reply back, told all her friends about my insecurities, started telling her guy friends about how much of a loser I am.
I am starting to realize distance is the best motivator. Every TRP post I read here states women should be secondary. I’m in college. Whenever I hear a girl obsessing about a guy, it’s the same thing:
“I want to hang out with him but I know he’s probably busy” “it’s been two or three weeks since we’ve seen each other, I miss him so much” “I texted him three times this morning to see what he’s doing and he still hasn’t replied”
My ex’s best friend was the same way too. Her man, according to her, worked from 6am to 5pm. She told me he barely has time to text her and when he’s off work he’s usually doing a side hustle or hanging out with friends. Every day she’d go on rants about how much she misses him and how great he is and how she’s worried he could find someone else because she’s seen other people looking at him when they finally do get to hang out.
I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO CREATE DISTANCE. I CANNOT STOP INSTANTLY RESPONDING TO TEXTS, I CANNOT STOP LOVE BOMBING. Every single fucking time I’m in a relationship or talking to someone I get into the cute nicknames and pay for everything and tell them “I’m an actual man, I know how to treat a woman” and talk about how I’m not just there for sex and how I’m looking for a real partner to build shit with me.
I do not know how to focus on myself. I am a dumbass. I tell myself every day the only way to move forward is to have a partner. A woman to support me. And I realize that EVERY single time I start spewing that beta nonsense, I go from a woman triple texting me to find out what I’m doing to telling me she’s talking to other men and we can be friends until we “get far enough along to put a title on it”
I keep trying to be better than and change women. I keep thinking to myself “the second they see that I’m an actual man and I pay for shit and I’m sweet and respect boundaries, they’ll realize they’ve been fucking around with losers and bums”
MY PROBLEM IS I’M TRYING TO MAKE HOES HOUSEWIVES WHILE THEY’RE STILL IN THEIR HOE PERIOD AND I SHOULD JUST BE TAKING PART OF THE HOE PERIOD.
I feel so fucking embarrassed guys. I buy flowers on first dates, go to expensive restaurants, pay for chick’s gas, give women rides for free. Sometimes I’ll be trying to plan a date with a chick for weeks and giving them days when I’m off work and they’ll text me mid day and tell me to pick them up for food and I’ll come instantly.
My mind is stuck on this idea of a partner and building shit with a woman and having one of those celebrity stories where a dude had a chick who was with him while he was living in a shelter and now she’s still with him when he’s a millionaire. My mother always told me women date low-value men and that I need to show that I can actually pay for dates and treat women with respect to find a real partner. She always told me I’d be stealing these dude’s hoes once I make money and they get actual respect from a man.
This is so engrained in me I have no clue how to get rid of it. Even when I start off good and space out texts and contact for logistics and go on dates thinking “I’ll just take them to mcdonald’s and get them a cheap ass coffee and walk through walmart or something”, I always feel like a sicko in my mind.
All my life I’ve been trying to prove I’m better than the next guy. I get more money, I can actually talk to people, I have self-control, I have a better car, I have a better house. I cannot disassociate from the fact that that’s not what women want. I have to run high tier male game during the day while I work on goals and pretend I’m amoral while I’m on dates or talking to women.
I don’t know how I keep seeing that distant men that space out dates and don’t follow-up text after dates and don’t spend DURING dates are getting pussy and I still think I’m being a better man by treating hoes like princesses while I get no pussy and find out every dude on the block has fucked for free.
I do not know how to change up. I just want to be honest.
TL:DR: I’m a beta love bomber betabuxxer and despite how many times I see that men who can actually be distant fuck better, I still think that my high horse will let me change a hoe into a house wife.
whytehorse2021 1mo ago
I was like that in my teens. I suppose the next stage for you is to go through your anger phase. I found WhereAreAllTheGoodMen to be very useful for that. It's also a training ground for learning how to identify red flags. Plus you get to vent your anger in a safe, positive, constructive manner.
First-light 1mo ago
It sounds like you are going all in straight away with things emotionally. You want to love and be loved but you end up loving and being seen as emotionally weak and needy.
I would start by saying "you can love them or you can understand them, you can't do both" This is a very useful way of looking at things. If you understand what women want you for, you will realise that the western 20th century ideal of love is out of reach for most of us, maybe all of us. You can't find someone special who completes you and whom you complete and then go ahead in life as a mutually supporting couple. Women want men for their strength -emotional, financial, mental. They might fall in love with you and go a bit ditzy over you for a year or two but they almost never love you like you can love them -in a nurturing, supporting way. They will never be your rock. You are alone in life and then you die.
Over many years with a woman, they can come to see you and your strength as important to their lives and start to care for you a little but never as much as they did when they first fell for you and were in love with the way you made them feel and never as much as they do for their children.
When she falls for you, she falls for the idea of a lovely strong man and if you then show her the weak boy (who is somewhere inside us all) she will feel to an extent repulsed as this is not what she loves and needs (females are needy emotionally).
If you create rules of engagement for dating women, it will probably lead to as many problems as it solves, what is better is to understand the creature, what she can be to you and what she cannot and accept you are alone. Good male friends will be there for you but they can't nurture you. You mother may have nurtured you if she was good but she is the only woman who ever will. You are alone. That is the real red pill.
All the PUA stuff is just a way of responding to the fact that you are alone and will never be loved the way you want to be loved. -so go maximise the surface signs of value to women and go bang hoes because that is a way to get something you want from women because you won't get loved like you want to be loved. Its one response. There are others. You can still have LTRs but you must see their limits.
The limiting factor in LTRs is the strength of the weaker vessel. In the old days she was hard to get but yours, so you could protect the weaker vessel. Now she is is all independent and "strong" (full of entitlement) All the weaknesses of the weaker vessel are fully exposed by this and she is not yours, its just your turn till it breaks.
idontdesireusername 1mo ago
great answer man! this is REDPILL -> you won't find your soulmate but you can fck some really hot bodies and have fun after faking/being strong man who doesn't need women.
idontdesireusername 1mo ago
no, you are not. you are running a program in your head right now, which is obsessive beta. change program -> fake it till you make it
liftheavystuff 1mo ago
I think many men have been in your headspace before.
A few thoughts:
1) before you got to the paragraph about your mom I knew you had parents who told you to treat girls "nice". I know because I do too. This worked in the boomer / gen X times because women's options were limited to neighborhood, school, church, work. Now the options are limitless, and easy. They can get 100 guys to give them attention over OLD while sitting on the toilet.
2) you need to be nice and interesting, but mysterious and aloof. A good rule is to give her 100% of yourself when you're together (cook for her, flirt, engage in activities, joke, etc) but 2% when not (text for logistics or to respond to her texts ONLY...avoid lengthy text convos and always redirect to a meet up). You need to be Bruce Wayne. You need to essentially disappear like a fart in the wind when you're not physically together.
This is hard because it runs against the programming you've had since childhood. I've made the same mistakes, and have confusingly been phased out by low value women despite have a great job, lots of money and a decent physique. Why? Because the "nice guy" traits are more beta. They're needed to pass the comfort tests that the female frontal lobe will eventually throw out, but do nothing for the hindbrain that feeds on dopamine and tingles.
3) you need to project the idea that you have options, even if you don't. Obviously it's better to actually have these options, but if you don't, your indifference and aloofness will suggest that you do. She wants you to have tons of options for a) social proofing and b) the feeling of winning she gets when she "chooses" you
Final thought: you are in the throws of red pill rage and I think some period of "monk mode" is necessary. Maybe 3 to 6 months. No women, no alcohol, no weed (you shouldn't be doing this anyway, if you are). Only gym, broccoli, chicken and sleep hygiene.
mattyanon Admin 1mo ago
Talk to 8 women are once.
I hope this is a troll post.
Ok, troll post.
Typo-MAGAshiv 1 1mo ago
Rambling victim puke.